Karen And The Baseball Of Doom

Hunt Continues For Elusive Phillies Karen; Movie Already In The Making

Philadelphia (AP) The better part of a month has now passed, and the mysterious Phillie Karen has yet to be identified. In an incident that went viral during a Phillies-Marlins game in Florida on the 5th of September, a father recovered a foul ball hit by Harrison Bader, and was about to give it to his son when a woman rushed in and demanded it as hers. Instead of making an argument about it, he handed it over to her, de-escalating the situation. The woman looked like a stereotypical Karen, ready to demand to speak to your manager, and proceeded to gloat and give the finger to others in the stands around her.

To their credit, both teams did some fast public relations. The Marlins gave the boy a goodie bag of team merchandise, and Bader himself met with the boy, giving him a signed baseball bat. Phillie Karen, as she has come to be known, left the stadium, became a meme, and the hunt for her true identity has been on ever since.

It's been a summer of poor behaviour by some adults in public settings. From the Coldplay concert that exposed an affair, largely thanks to the overreaction of the couple in question on a kiss cam, to a Polish executive stealing a hat from a child at a tennis game, a hat that a player had given to the boy. This incident has added to the record of adults behaving badly.

In the weeks since, while internet sleuths continue to try to figure out who she is, multiple memes have gone up with Phillie Karen, who even has the stereotypical Karen haircut, trying to grab things that don't belong to her from across pop culture and everyday life. There have been instances where women have been identified as the Karen in question, only to insist that they were nowhere near Florida, or have a rock solid alibi.

"It's exasperating sometimes," Karen Weston, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia admitted this week. "I don't know where the Karen stereotype originated, and while I can admittedly laugh about the bad behaviour of certain women with that haircut, it's kind of bothersome to have my name attached to the stereotype. Please don't paint all Karens with the same brush."

For the record, Doctor Weston does not have a Karen haircut, and is known to this writer to be a soft spoken and unusually kind person who would never demand to speak to your manager.

This week, the hunt ramped up when a woman called in to Howard Stern's radio show, claiming to be Phillie Karen, while refusing to identify herself.  She rambled on and on in the shrill kind of tone that one would associate with a Karen. "It's a dog eat dog world out there, and this kid needs to grow up knowing you've gotta take what's yours, even if it means taking it from another kid. No regrets, believe me. I did the right thing."

Stern challenged her on that. "You know, that kid came out the winner in this whole thing, going home with a lot of swag and good memories because of both teams. You, on the other hand, if you are who you say you are, came across looking like a selfish ****ing idiot."

Karen sounded aggrieved. "I take what I want! Nobody tells me what to do! I want to speak to your manager!"

At this point, Stern cut her off.

Even though no positive identification has been made, Hollywood has already been ramping up pre-production on a film about the debacle. A Karen In The Outfield is the working title of a film to star Meg Ryan as Phillie Karen. Paramount has greenlit the film, to be directed by Rob Reiner, as a caper comedy. "Oh, it'll be fun," Reiner said. "I can't pass on a comedy, and really, with a story like this, the jokes really do write themselves."

Ryan has already started preparing for the role, meeting a group of Karens Anonymous, women who have had public meltdowns and are trying to better themselves and not be such a Karen ever again. She's asked them questions, heard their experiences, and their dismay at being filmed during their worst moments. "Everyone has regrets," Ryan told reporters. "Especially when your mistakes get played up for laughs. Which we'll be doing with this film. But that's beside the point."

Whoever Phillie Karen really is, she's been successful in evading being positively identified. But time will tell. A Karen of this magnitude in attitude will sooner or later blow her cover and have another Karen moment. Or someone she knows will just rat her out. Either way, it's just a matter of time. "Your average Karen either gets help or continues to be the way they are," psychologist Annabelle Cahill remarked. "But this one, she's Level Ten Karen. We're talking nuclear bomb level."

The last word comes from a statement made online from someone calling themselves Karenapocalypse3000. Writing in a Reddit forum, she said, "she is one of us. And we are her. And our time is near. The Karens will soon rise up and achieve our goal of universal domination."

In this reporter's view, that can't be good.

Requiem For A Super Bowl Weekend

 

Super Bowl Sunday Looms; Certain Segment Of Society Claims The Game Has Been Ruined Forever

Las Vegas (AP) The week leading up to the Super Bowl is carrying on in this gambling city of the American West. Fans are pouring in and taking in some of the pre-game hype. Reporters from all over the world are present. Betting sites are taking action on literally every aspect of the game. Scalpers are working to unload tickets at steep rates and avoid being seen by the police. And the usual Vegas crowd are oblivious to it all, feeding more and more money into the slot machines.

This year the San Francisco 49ers are meeting the Kansas City Chiefs in the first Super Bowl held in this city. The two teams have proven to be controversial, as the MAGA segment of the population hates San Francisco, a liberal city, and so would be inclined to root for their opponent.

But their opponent is Kansas City, and in recent months, the team has been in the news for another reason- one of their team members, Travis Kelce, has been in a relationship with Taylor Swift, the megastar singer whose legions of fans call themselves Swifties. And she herself is seen as liberal- so the MAGA crowd have been screaming murder and claiming that she's ruining the game (editor: what a bunch of crybabies).

This reporter has been dispatched to cover the game, despite the fact that he's not a sports reporter. Perhaps it's because his editor appreciates the general snarkiness of his writing for such events. It's very different from this reporter's previous editor, who's still locked away in a mental hospital after multiple violent threats (editor: that guy was out of his mind).

Swift, who has a habit of writing breakup albums after previous relationships went south, may or may not even be attending. She's in Japan doing a concert the day before, and a flight back would take eighteen hours. Nonetheless, the relationship has MAGA faithful foaming at the mouth, what with the habit of broadcasters regularly cutting to check her out at games. 

"It ain't right!" Jeb "Bubba" Guthrie of Tennessee told this reporter this week at one of the pre-game events. "It's our sport! Not dem libs! Why the **** does anyone let somethin' like this happen, anyway?"

This reporter asked if Mr. Guthrie thought there might be a conspiracy.

"Damn right! No matter who wins, we lose! Damn Marxist libs want us to vax our kids so they can put mind chips in 'em! Just like they're hidin' the truth about the flat earth and the ice wall! Well no sir, not me! I ain't woke!"

Nor educated, this reporter thought, seeing little point in trying to reason with him. It's been a long season, with some teams thought to be sure fire in the Super Bowl falling by the wayside. And the end result being the two competing teams in a combination that infuriates many GOP voters.

Terry Bradshaw isn't broadcasting this year, but never passed on an opportunity to come to these things, was more circumspect.

"It's been a weird year, sure," Bradshaw told reporters. "But an exciting one. Sure, some people out there might be feeling sore and all, but you know what? That's life. Your guys don't always win, because what would be the point?"

It's also been the year of the final downfall of a coach who was once a big name in the game- Bill Belichick. The former Patriots coach, who cheated his way to multiple Super Bowl championships, was fired early in the year after over two decades in New England. Belichick has been seen this week roaming about, looking for new coaching opportunities.

No one has been biting as of yet. Rumour has it that Belichick even reached out beyond American borders to the Canadian Football League and offered his services to the Ottawa RedBlacks, who have been having a few bad years. A staff member, speaking on condition of anonymity, told this reporter by phone, "look, yes, we've been struggling a lot, but we're trying to turn it around. Besides, we're not that desperate." (editor: ooo! Burn!)

It has been said that Belichick sold his soul to the Devil to gain his victories. The Devil has previously confirmed this, and spoke with this reporter this week by phone from the Seventh Circle of Hell. "At this point, his soul is effectively worthless. I'm putting some serious thought into maybe revoking his ability to die, and condemning him to be an eternal wanderer, walking the face of the earth, trying and failing to get a football job. I think that's the sort of thing he deserves."

Country singer Reba McIntyre will do the national anthem to open up the event. The halftime show is said to be headlined by Usher (along with whoever else for a pointless lip synch extravaganza that will leave fans wondering what that was). In between and after halftime will be a game, interspersed with commercials that companies are paying a mint for (editor: pretty dumb commercials too).

Another figure present, though not wanted by anyone, is disgraced former player and ex-convict O.J. Simpson, who's been spending years since his release from prison coming to these events anyway, and making a scene. This reporter is well acquainted with the man.

Simpson was standing at one of the pre-game events, talking to anyone who would listen. Most people saw him and made a point of making a wide berth around him. "It's like this," Simpson said. "The ****in' NFL won't let the Juice back in. No sir! They won't let me participate, won't let me coach, won't let me play. They tell me I'm bad news. **** that! People ****in' love the Juice. Except for Nicole and whatever that waiter guy's name was. Well, **** 'em. They're dead anyway."

Simpson paused, looking out at the group watching him. That included this reporter (editor: uh oh). "Hey! It's you! You're that mother****er who keeps tellin' people I was threatenin' to ****in' kill your ass! You take that back, mother****er, or I will kill you!"

Simpson strode forward, his face enraged.... and tripped. There was a loud crack as he hit the floor, and he started screaming. "My hip! I broke my ****in' other hip!!!!" (editor: he got exactly what he deserves)

This reporter walked away as paramedics came in, hearing Simpson scream curses in between screaming in pain. The city waits for the spectacle. Here and there one sees MAGA protestors holding up signs saying that the NFL must revoke both teams playing in favour of "our boys", or threatening to hold their breath if either San Francisco or Kansas City wins.

And this reporter is front and center for it all (editor: sorry, I'll send Dennehy next year). Even though this reporter doesn't even like football. Oh well. The entertainment value in watching whatever passes for brain matter melting in MAGA heads should make up for it. 

Because no matter who wins, those overgrown babies lose.

Punishing Humanity

 Today I have an image blog. Enjoy!

The Down Home All Country Civil War

Country Music Civil War Continues To Build; Self Appointed Generals Lash Out

Nashville (AP) It has been raging for three years now, unnoticed by much of the country and much of the world, what with other distractions taking place. But in the countryside of Davidson County, Tennessee, a bitter war plays itself out between acolytes of two different singers. The vendetta between country singer Miranda Lambert and pop star Gwen Stefani has seethed and festered ever since the latter stole away the former’s husband, Blake Shelton.

In a war waged both on the field of battle and in the pages of the tabloids, the two musicians have been at each other’s throats. Lambert still maintains her home in Davidson County. Despite being more of a West Coast personality, the former No Doubt lead singer Stefani has been living with Shelton at the residence they own elsewhere in the county. Both women have declared each other mortal enemies. Their fans have taken up sides, organizing themselves into regimental formations and taking their orders from their idols. Some were already living in Davidson County. Others have moved in since the war broke out.

Local sheriff Joe Garrett wishes he had never heard of any of the players. “It’s weird, I’ll admit,” he agreed. “There are a lot of country musicians in this part of the state, after all. I shouldn’t be wishing things like that about an industry that’s big here. But I can’t help it. You know, back in the day, it wasn’t like this. Oh, sure, Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings could be tough guys and rebels with attitude, but they also understood when to leave it at the door. And yes, Kenny Rogers was known to drive through the country roads at twice the speed limit, but that was about it. Incidentally, you don’t want to know how many traffic infractions this department issued to Kenny.”

Garrett paused before going on. “Now we’ve got these two singers. Fine, one stole the other’s husband. That happens. I get it, you’re mad. Well, you can move out of the area. Or if you insist on staying, you can have a restraining order filed to insist that they leave the state. That wouldn’t be unreasonable. A lot of people would probably feel sympathetic. But instead, what do we have?Roving militias of Gwen and Miranda fans getting into mass brawls with each other three times a week and taking shots at each other. Fortunately, they’re really bad shots- I mean, there have been no bullet wounds. But I’m filling my holding cells regularly during the week with jackasses who keep getting into fights.”

And then there is the fact that both singers have amassed their own arsenals. Lambert and Stefani have built up a stock of tanks, field artillery, missile launchers, and a multitude of guns. They’ve taken to walking about in military camo clothing and referring to themselves as generals. “Gwen’s also calling herself the Fabulous Supremacy,” Garrett noted. “I’m just calling both of them the Splitting Headache, and one that I can’t get rid of.”

When asked why the authorities are permitting the build-up of private arsenals and the movements of private armies, Garrett shrugged. “Are you kidding? This is America, and the NRA won’t allow us to do anything in terms of regulating arms. If you’ve got enough money, you can buy pretty much whatever you want. Even nukes. Oh, God, please don’t let them start thinking of nuking each other…”

“It is ridiculous,” a studio executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted in the country music capital. “In country music, our musicians turn situations like this into a big hit of a song, say about the one that got away and took their house and their pick-up truck and their dog, and all they’ve got now is their friends to drink away their sorrows with, by way of good old fashioned Tennessee whiskey. That’s the way to do this, not to have your fans taking shots at each other and engaged in massive fist fights while drunk, and not while naming yourself a general of your own private army and walking around in camo gear. You do, for instance, what Taylor Swift always does when a relationship falls apart. Write a song dissing the guy and move on with your life.”

He paused before continuing. “We’ve tried to mediate between Miranda and Gwen, but every single time we do, they just dig in their heels and get all the more stubborn about it. And for what? I mean, Blake Shelton? Why the hell People once named him the sexiest man alive is beyond me. Have you looked at the guy? He’s the sort who got hit in the face by the ugly stick a few too many times. And there’s not much going on around his ears either, for that part.”

Shelton himself has tried to stay out of the whole affair. Despite all of this starting with an affair. Once half of the country music industry power couple, his marriage to Lambert ended after he started judging on The Voice and taking up with Stefani in 2015. “I get it, really I do. She’s mad. Okay, fine, set my pickup truck on fire. But there’s no need to gather a collection of tanks and organize your own militia just because I’ve moved on with my life.” When it was pointed out to him that Stefani was doing the same thing, he shrugged. “Well, Miranda started it.”

Miranda Lambert spoke to a rally of her forces two days ago, in full Lambert Nation military garb. “Who are we going to fight?” she yelled.

“The Stefanites!” they all yelled back in response.

“And why?” Lambert called back.

“Because you said so!” each of them said in unison.

“That’s right!” Lambert said, beaming with pride. “Because nobody crosses a country gal and gets away with it! And nobody steals her man and gets away with it! And nobody gets to live happily ever after and get away with it!”

Across the county, at the Shelton-Stefani ranch, Gwen Stefani was with a gathering of her own fans and militia. All of them in camo gear, many of them toting signs reading ‘Gwen is a Fabulous Supremacy’ and ‘Down With Lambert’ or ‘Hella Stefani’. Like her bitter rival, she has taken to wearing a customized military uniform while around her troops. “We did not choose to start this fight!” she called from a microphone set up on the back porch, looking out at hundreds of her troops. “They did! But we will be the last standing, brothers and sisters, in this, the new American Civil War!” She received rapturous applause, and then began an acoustic performance of a new song she’s titled, ‘Nyah nyah nyah nyah, Miranda’s a loser’.

Is this a new American Civil War? Not according to re-enactors of the original Civil War, who take their history seriously and turn up at battlegrounds and various events in Union or Confederate garb. Sam Wainwright, a member of the 1^st Maryland Cavalry re-enactors, sighed with an expression of dismay when this reporter spoke with him. “The real Civil War was complex, with serious issues. It’s an insult to those who fought in that war, on both sides, to call what goes on between those three idiots a civil war, despite what the tabloid covers call it, and despite the fact that their fans are armed and fighting with each other.”

He paused for a moment. “Besides, I’m on Team Swift.”