A Mystery Of The Missing Senator

Veteran Senator Remains AWOL; Staff Insist Nothing Wrong

Washington (AP). The Old Tortoise of the Senate has not been seen since mid-June when he was rushed to the hospital. Senator Mitch McConnell, poster grandpa for term limits in politics, has spent several weeks incommunicado with colleagues, constituents, and damned near everyone else. The Kentucky Senator, who has made a career out of being a hyper partisan control freak turned sycophant to the current president, has loomed large in recent years, all while a number of health scares have called into question his effectiveness to represent his constituents.

The silence from the McConnell camp has become sufficient that Kentucky's governor has been demanding proof of life from McConnell. His wife was on an extended trip to China, which seems odd under the circumstances. Republican colleagues have claimed they have spoken with him at length. McConnell's staff have insisted that he is in recovery but working closely with them to get his work done. President Trump shrugged, blamed Joe Biden, and spent four hours on rant tweets when asked about the Senator. "Mitch who?" he muttered. 

While rumours spread that McConnell was dead, or at least brain dead, for a brief time, another senator died and upstaged him. Senator Lindsay Graham, who once referred to President Trump in disparaging ways before having his spine surgically removed and becoming a bootlicker to the president, died after a cardiac episode. The President slept through the funeral and had to be prodded awake. Social media was abuzz with posts such as "no, not that Republican, the other guy" and "all good things happen in threes." And while the President looks like death warmed over, he hasn't died yet.

Effectively speaking, McConnell's constituents have no representation. There have been a few claims at proof of life- a photo with photo shop work done, or a brief statement- but nothing definitive. Governor Beshear, a Democrat, may have a chance to appoint an interim senator, though state laws appear to push towards a special election to fill out the term. McConnell had previously pledged that he would not run again in November. But for every half hearted proof of life, there are doubts. No one from across the aisle has claimed to speak with him. Instead, there are memes and misgivings, and continued silence from the Old Tortoise.

It's been suggested that the Republicans wish to avoid the risk of a special election, and have been gaslighting to make it appear that McConnell was alive and not incapacitated and unable to carry out his duties. The party is said to be terrified of being trounced in the upcoming mid-terms nationally in November, and just as terrified of the MAGA base that has become their party's voting bloc. Drinking games have been created, with the rule of taking a swallow of Kentucky bourbon every time the McConnell staff put out another vague statement. 

Is Mitch McConnell dead? Or brain dead? Can he form a coherent thought? Can he communicate that thought? Inquiring minds want to know. Especially if McConnell's colleagues are lying about his status quo to stave off another loss, which has the hint of illegal about it.

Or has he met a different fate, perhaps at the hands of someone unexpected?

Is he frozen in carbonite?