The Pain Of A Deluded Fandom

NHL Gears Up For Hockey Playoffs; One Team's Fans Ask What They Are Being Punished For

Toronto (CP) The Stanley Cup playoffs are starting in a few days. Some teams have clinched their spots. Others are still fighting for a wild card spot. And others have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, much to the chagrin of their fandom. Nowhere is this more true than in Toronto, where the Maple Leafs are finishing off what turned out to be an awful year, out of the playoffs and feeling disappointed.

The general manager has already been fired. More firings are expected, along with more trades from the team during the off season. Pundits are predicting another ten year rebuild, expected to go nowhere like all the others. The Leafs last won the Cup in 1967, and true as clockwork, whether it's in the regular season or early on in the playoffs, they keep breaking the hearts of their fans, Leafs Nation, with disturbing regularity.

Blame is being thrown around in the bars of Leafs Nation. They point to players who have been traded off to other teams, and are finding some measure of success. They look to conspiracy theories about why things keep going wrong for their team. They are somewhere in the five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance- with most of them in the first two stages. Bartenders are busy with their springtime routine of consoling the masses while doing a brisk business of selling alcohol.

It is part of a tried and true pattern. When the season starts, Leafs fans are in a buoyant mood, claiming that this year is going to be the year, the same as they do for every year for nearly sixty years now. And then at some point, things go horribly wrong. It might be during the season, or it might be in the playoffs, when their team crushes their hopes by self-destructing on the ice. Psychologists have explained the phenomena as a hopeless and incurable delusion passed down through generations.

Some break the cycle. "I was a Leafs fan growing up," Bob Parson told this reporter. "My dad was too. But all those years, feeling heartbreak and sorrow and despair..." He shook his head. "Five years ago, my wife gave birth to our first child. And that made the decision for me. We decided enough is enough, and that our kids shouldn't be raised in an environment where their hearts get stomped on every year and nothing ever changes. So the wife and I burned our Leafs memorabilia and jerseys and stopped getting season tickets. It was hard. But with time, you realize how much you gave of yourself to this team, and that you got nothing back."

Other fans will never learn. This reporter ran into one of Leafs Nation's most ardent fans at a downtown bar. He was still in the denial stage. "It just isn't ****ing right, y'know? They're our boys! And the Cup belongs here, now and ****ing forever! But this keeps happenin'! And it keeps hurtin' and hurtin' and hurtin' some more! Me and Harry and Jack, we're the biggest fans ever of this ****in' team, believe me! And we keep gettin' screwed over!"

The fan sighed, shook his head, and continued. "Yeah, it hurts. But you know, that's what booze is for. To numb the pain and make it all feel better. And Leafs Nation... we're gonna get through this. We're gonna keep with our boys, because we bleed Maple Leaf blue forever. And sure, it's gonna be a long hard summer, and it'll be even harder if Montreal or Edmonton win the Cup. But we'll get past it. Because sooner or later, trust me... that Cup is comin' home!!!! And it's gonna be a party the likes of which no one has ever seen!!"

After the fan had gone off to join his friends and drown their sorrows some more, this reporter spoke with his bartender, who said, "He's taking it really hard. Depending on how drunk he gets, he might say Gary Bettman is making the refs screw the team over. Other times he's going on about how the team just doesn't want to win games. He'll be on this roller coaster into July, if you ask me."

Hockey pundits have also been asking how the team might fare in the off-season with draft picks. "They didn't finish at the bottom of the basement," Hockey Now writer Cal Thornton told this reporter. "And there's that bad habit of the team to squander draft picks in favour of a guy who's on the downslope of his career. Have I mentioned that's a bad habit? It's been suggested that the last part of the season, they were tanking just to get themselves in a good position for the draft. And they couldn't even get that right. Go figure."

For now, the pain is fresh. The tears are real. The broken hearts in Leafs Nation feel the weight of the world. Perhaps time will mend the wounds. Perhaps some will wake up and end their fandom. Perhaps the performance of the Blue Jays in baseball might give Toronto fans something to root for. As the summer goes along, the bad memories will fade for Leafs Nation, no doubt, as it does each year. And come October, the cycle will start all over again, with Leafs Nation claiming that this will be their year. All while their team gets ready to screw it up all over again.

Time To Crush Their Dreams Again

NHL Prepares For New Season; Die Hard Fans Can't Take A Hint

Toronto (CP) It is that time of year again. Frosty nights are settling in. Leaves are changing. Apple cider is widely available. And the NHL is in pre-season games mode, with the regular season starting in days. Fans who have been hockey deprived since the playoffs (or even earlier, assuming their team even made the playoffs) are eager to once again see their teams in the home rinks play old rivals, while paying outrageous amounts of money for undercooked concession food without a second thought.

And for one team, hope springs eternal, even if that hope leads nowhere. It's been since 1967 since the sad sack Toronto Maple Leafs last won the Stanley Cup, not that you'd expect their fan base to remember. They spend this time of year rationalizing that surely, this year is going to be the year when all of that is erased, when the Cup comes home. They have high hopes, determined to see their boys win the Cup and hockey glory. And each year, in the spring, their hopes are shredded to pieces. Like clockwork, if you think about it.

"It's a mass delusion," sports psychologist Dr. Andrew Eddings remarked. "Leafs Nation wants desperately to believe that this year will be different, that all pieces will fall into place and their team will come home with the Cup. But if you look at team history, you can see that all of the pieces do not fall into place. They stumble and trip and blunder and collapse. Each time shattering the hopes and dreams of their fans, each time devastating them beyond belief. And then after a weekend of grief, bargaining, denial, and excessive drinking, they're right back to the 'next year' stage of insanity. It really is disturbing how people can't see the truth about them."

Bars in Toronto are doing brisk business, even while having to choose between pre-season games and the Blue Jays, who are heading into the baseball playoffs on a high note. But the bars always do brisk business, particularly on those nights when the Leafs blunder into disaster. "Don't tell anyone my name," an unnamed bartender told this reporter. "But the truth is, we're their therapists, the ones telling them it'll all get better someday. All while they put more booze on their tabs. The Leafs losing is great for business. Leafs Nations needs to drink to survive their screw ups."

"This year, baby!" a loud voice rang out as this reporter circulated in the downtown bars. It was the voice of a man who's been banned from being near the Stanley Cup, along with two of his friends, after they tried to hold the Cup hostage several years ago. They claim to be the biggest fans of all of Leafs Nation, which is saying something. "This is our year! Our boys are winning it all!" The man noticed this reporter, and stumbled over. "Hey, I know you, don't I? Yeah, we've talked about the start of the season before, haven't we? Yeah, think so, though last time I might've been more drunk. Anyway, buddy, you can feel it in the air. Leafs are going all the way this year, baby!"

When asked what he would do if certain patterns repeated themselves, he waved it off. "That's all in the past. And we're looking forward. Me and Harry and Jack, we just know that this year is the year. The Leafs bring the Cup home, and the dynasty begins. Cup after Cup after Cup, because that's what Leafs Nation deserves. We live and breathe Leafs adoration, baby! Go Leafs go!"

This reporter broke off, lest his IQ level be lowered just being in proximity to a die hard Leafs fan.

And so it begins. The 2025-2026 NHL season is about to be unleashed, and there is one certainty.

It will end ugly. For the Leafs.

The Heartache Of Leafs Nation

Leafs Nation Shattered Once Again After Team Lets Them Down

Toronto (CP) It is a universally acknowledged truth that the Maple Leafs will rip the hearts out of their fans each and every year. Some years it's in not even making the playoffs at all. Others, it's getting a round or two in, only to have the other team stomp on them and send them off to the golf courses. The drought now extends back to 1967, with generations of the fandom otherwise known as Leafs Nation getting their hearts broken. Again, and again. And again. And again some more.

The fortunes of the Maple Leafs took a wrong turn in round two of the Stanley Cup playoffs, after the team won the first two games against the Florida Panthers, only to have everything go horribly wrong, losing three games straight, winning Game 6, and getting humiliated in Game 7, getting eliminated from the playoffs. Leafs Nation have been drowning their sorrows ever since in bars and wondering why things looked so promising, only to collapse in on them. Bartenders have reported a brisk business, all while also reporting acting as unofficial therapists and sources of comfort in the wake of yet another screw up and team collapse.

"This is always a busy time of year for us," one downtown bartender reported. "We bring in a lot of business, but the flip side to it, the fans are deep in that despair stage of grief right now. They're crying, they're hurting, and they all lean on us for some kind of reassurance that it'll get better."

Not all of them are at the despair stage. Some are still angry, blaming the refs, looking for conspiracy theories as to what went wrong. "This was supposed to be our year," Darryl Aldeborough, a long time fan told this reporter. "But we got screwed. Big time. The refs, man, the refs. They got paid off by somebody. I don't know who, but when I find out, I'm gonna..."

This reporter stopped Aldeborough there, reminding him he was venturing into making threats territory.

It's not just the bartenders who are consoling people in the wake of the train wreck that was Round Two. Ministers, priests, and other religious leaders have reported an overwhelming amount of hurt, anger, despair, and heartache from those who have come for consolation. The Reverend Angus Carlyle, a Presbyterian pastor in Edmonton, had an unusual take on the matter. "There is a school of thought, informal, you understand, among some of the faithful in Leafs Nation that they are being punished by God. That God hates the Leafs. That His wrath is being repeatedly vented upon them. And when you look at going on sixty years of failed hopes and dreams... well, you can understand where they're coming from. Doesn't affect me all that much. I'm an Oilers fan."

Psychologists are also reporting heightened levels of anxiety, grief, and depression in Leafs Nation. "It's astonishing, this level of commitment," Doctor Alexandra Seward noted from her Kingston offices. "Generations of people who live and die as Maple Leafs fans, proclaiming each and every year that this is going to be their year, and then seeing their hopes dashed to pieces. We in this profession are starting to muse on the possibility that it might be some sort of mental illness, this devotion to a team that consistently breaks hearts, followed by a summer of forgetting that broken heart. It's been said that insanity is repeating the same mistakes, and well... Leafs Nation keeps making the same mistake."

Game 7 might well have been the most painful game in recent history for fans, a 6 to 1 thrashing in which the Leafs barely registered at all, while the Florida Panthers stomped all over them. Hometown fans were leaving the arena well before the game ended, sensing the worst. The crowd out in Maple Leaf Square were seen howling and crying. In a city of rational hockey fans, this would be enough to kill the fandom. But this is Leafs Nation, and rational doesn't qualify when describing them.

They were spotted burning their Maple Leaf flags, their jerseys. And yet it was inevitable that the same people doing that were just twenty four hours later reassuring themselves that no, this was all a bad memory, and that next year would be better. It is a vicious cycle without end, of bargaining and acceptance, of living in the rut of cheering for a team that will, when it really counts, screw up really badly and blow their chances. 

One season ticket holder this reporter spoke to seemed to take it all in stride, though he declined to give a name. "I know, they're my team. But I also know that they're going to come apart when it really matters. I saw it last year, and told the guys, 'this is when it all starts falling apart.' And I saw it this year in Game 5 when they got smacked around. Hey, at least I made some money on it this time. I bet Florida would win the round, and that's what happened."

Other fans are feeling the pain. At another of the city's bars, this reporter encountered a trio of rather infamous fans, men who once held the Stanley Cup hostage and demanded the Leafs be retroactively be named the champions. "It's ****in' simple," one of them told this reporter. "It's one big ****in' conspiracy against us. Against our boys. Yeah, sure, we might lose our minds after a bad loss and for a moment or two blame the team, but **** no! It's not their fault! We're Leafs Nation! Me and Jack and Harry, we're the biggest fans of the Leafs! Am I right, boys?"

He guzzled down some Molsons before continuing. "Point is, these things ****in' happen. And we'll hurt for a little bit, but we'll get past it. Because they're our team, and we bleed Leafs blue. And next year is gonna be different. Am I right, boys? Go Leafs go!!!!"

This reporter left them to their drinking, seeing no point in trying to get them to accept a little thing called reality.

They came. They saw. They didn't conquer. So it can be said for the end of the Maple Leafs 2024-25 season, ending once again in a disaster of epic proportions. Heads will roll in the off season, but who? And how soon? Which trades will be made, and what rationalizations will be given? 

This reporter leaves off with a remark from someone living in the nation's capital. "There are three certainties. Death. Taxes. And the Maple Leafs screwing up when it really counts."

Cataclysms And Shattered Hearts

Narcissistic Director Announces Latest Disaster Movie; Real Reporters Roll Eyes In Dismay

Los Angeles (AP). It is a truth universally acknowledged that a two bit director, in search of an explosion, must be in want of attention. So Jane Austen might put it in this day and age. This past week, at the home of Digital Domain, reporters were gathered for an announcement by a film auteur- in his own mind, that is. Real reporters were outnumbered by entertainment reporters, who are bereft of brains and too given to applaud anything. 

This reporter was among them, primarily as his editor loves sending him to these things for the sarcastic value (editor: the readers love it too). And so it was that this reporter found himself in an auditorium, waiting on the latest announcement from the dreadful director, Michael Bay.

A spokeswoman came out on stage, where a podium had been set up with a full length mirror alongside it. "Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the greatest filmmaker of our generation, Michael Baaaaaaaaayyyyy!" 

The applause was rapturous from the entertainment reporters. Real reporters rolled their eyes, sighed in dismay and shook their heads, wondering when the nonsense would wrap up (editor: and it is nonsense). Bay came out on stage, waving and grinning like the idiot he is, looking as you'd expect- the days of stubble, the dishevelled hair, the casual clothing. He walked up to the podium, winked and smiled at his reflection, and began to speak.

"Hello! It's wonderful to see you. I love all of you, as much as you love me." (editor: he hates himself, huh?) Bay nodded. "You know, I'm a busy man. Always have projects on the go, things that I'm planning on making in my quest to win Oscars. I don't know why I haven't won one yet. But that's not important. What is important is I'm a busy man. You know me. I'm a guy who loves explosions. And Aerosmith songs and hot babes waxing cars. And explosions. So I've been thinking. What kind of movie do I want to make next? And how many explosions can I get away with in it?"

Bay smiled and nodded again. "I've been thinking about disaster movies. Disasters are always in the news. But what's one kind of disaster that I haven't covered in a film? Then it hit me. Like a puck to the head. The Toronto Maple Leafs."

This caused a stir. The Canadian hockey team is well known for choking when it counts and breaking the hearts of their devoted and deranged fan base every year. Yes, that qualifies as a disaster. But what would that have to do with the usual Bay style of explosions in a film (editor: good question).

Bay carried on. "I remembered some years ago some die hard Leafs fans decided to kidnap the Stanley Cup and hold it for ransom, wanting the Leafs to be designated the champions. Or something like that. Anyway, it gave me an idea for a Michael Bay blockbuster spectacular. Take that as a starting point, but instead of it being fans stealing the Cup, make it a mad bomber who's also a Maple Leafs fan threatening to blow up the city if his Leafs don't win the Cup. Is that an idea or is that an idea?"

The entertainment reporters broke out into applause. The real reporters sighed (editor: me too). Bay grinned like the jackass that he is, basking in the applause and oblivious to the contempt from reporters with a working brain. "You've got to be kidding," this reporter stated (editor: I wish).

"Why do people say that to me?" Bay asked with a shrug. "That doesn't matter. What matters is my cast. And they love attention just as much as me. Now I'm going to be enlisting NHL players to essentially be playing themselves in this thing, because it's too hard to get actors to look like professional hockey players. But that's okay, because the players aren't the main characters. And this way, it's as close as the real Maple Leafs are going to get to the Cup anytime soon. But they'll be there, on the ice and in the thick of the action. But the story is about the bomber. And the heroic cop who's coming to save the day. But can he? Ladies and gentlemen, without further do, playing the mad bomber in this film, one of my favourite actors and one of yours.... Mr. Shia LaBeouf!" 

LaBeouf came out on stage, smiling like an idiot as usual, and waved. "Hello there! It is nice to see you! Shia is pleased that you have come to see Shia!" This reporter sighed again (editor: he's still doing the talking in the third person thing?). LaBeouf came over to join Bay.

Bay carried on. "And playing the heroic veteran cop, member of the bomb squad about to retire, my guy, Nicolas Caaaaaagggge!"

At this point Nicolas Cage staggered out, carrying a bottle of half-empty Scotch, looking the worse for wear, which is saying something. He waved to the crowd, smiling and grinning (editor: how drunk was he?). "Hey there!"

Bay grinned. "And lastly, playing an unusual role for her, but one of my favourite actresses around. She's the hostage negotiator working for the police and racing against time. Give it up for Megan Fox!!!!"

Fox came out on stage, bowing and showing off her assets, so to speak. She joined Bay, Cage, and LaBeouf. "Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Sudden Death, a hockey action thriller coming soon to a theatre near you. Thanks for coming out!"

With that, the group left the stage to rapturous applause from the entertainment reporters, ignoring the eye rolls from the real reporters (editor: how dumb are they?). This reporter departed, wondering how long the film would take to make, given Bay's huge backlog of projects, and how many Leafs would be traded away in the duration.

The last word belongs to the beleaguered fans of the team itself. Leafs Nation, as they are sometimes known, continue to be devoted to their guys, no matter how many times their hearts are shattered. "You know what, it's an honour," one fan told reporters in Toronto. "I mean, I'm one of the guys who actually held the Cup for ransom back a few years ago, and ****, yeah, I'm still kind of on probation because of it. But me and Harry and Jack, we did it all for a good cause. And to find out now that they're kind of sort of honouring our plot, well, with some Hollywood extras, because we weren't threatening to bomb anyone.... anyway, it's ****in' great, eh? Anyway, all I want to say is... Go Leafs go!!!" (editor: god help us all) 

The Place Where Dreams Go To Die

Leafs Nation In Collective Mourning; Rest Of World Shrugs And Moves On

Toronto (CP) It's been a few days since the Boston Bruins beat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Round One of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, sending the Leafs packing early yet again. A game 7 finale which went to overtime saw the Cup drought in Toronto extend now to 57 years. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth, questions being asked, blame being laid in Leafs Nation. Bars are doing a brisk business soothing the pain of the fans. Leafs management and players are wondering who among them will take the fall this time.

The game in Boston saw the Bruins win in overtime and advance to the next round. Thousands of fans gathered in Maple Leaf Square in Toronto watched and had their hearts dashed to pieces yet again as their Leafs blew it. Again. Generations of fans saying, 'next year' will continue unabated, though perhaps a few might take the hint and realize that next year will never come. Their team is cursed, and the curse is not getting lifted anytime soon.

"For lack of a better term, it's a collective delusion," sports psychologist Warren Alliston told this reporter. "People conditioned for decades, by their parents and grandparents, into believing that this year could be their year. That the Leafs would rise to the occasion. Instead of dealing with reality, which is that the Leafs suck."

When asked if that was a professional opinion, Alliston shrugged. "Not at all. I'm an Edmonton fan."

Wreaths have been placed around Maple Leaf Square, along with hats, t-shirts, and even jerseys in a state of mourning. People in familiar blue and white attire have been seen crying and holding each other for support in the downtown streets near the arena. Some of the more bitter have been seen burning a  Leafs jersey and vowing that they've had enough- though in fact they did the same last year, and will be replacing that jersey over the summer and giving their boys one more chance.

Head coach Sheldon Keefe was fired in recent days, part of the fallout of yet another broken season. "These things happen," he told reporters with a dismayed shrug afterwards. "It's part of the game. Nobody lasts forever in one team. I'll move on, do other things.... say, is anyone hiring?"

Team president Brendan Shanahan, who's been part of the Leafs for a decade with little to show for it, is under pressure from Leafs Nation to do something. "I know it's hard for the fans to have hope, but things will get better," Shanahan told reporters after the Keefe firing. "We're going to get the guys out on the ice next year and they'll play better and everything will be just as you dreamed of all those years when this team was floundering. I promise."

The fact that he's been saying pretty much the same thing in post-season press conferences for years is another matter entirely.

"We're doing great business," bar owner Ted Davis said from his downtown watering hole, The Penalty Shot. "Yeah, folks are feeling down about the guys losing like that, but that's what alcohol is for. It soothes the pain you're feeling in your heart and tells you that everything is going to get better. It's the best thing for you."

"Are you taking money from the liquor companies for saying that?" this reporter inquired.

"How did you know that?" Davis asked, heading back inside to feed the misery of a horde of Leafs fans.

"It's not fair!" one fan told this reporter afterwards, in the company of two friends. "That Cup belongs to us! It belongs to our boys! And we keep getting robbed of it. There's this great big ****in' conspiracy to keep the Stanley Cup out of the hands of the Leafs. And that ****er Bettman is right at the heart of it. He ****in' hates Toronto. Me and Harry and Jack, we're the biggest fans of the Leafs. Ever. And it breaks our hearts every year seein' this happen. Again and again and again. Our boys deserve this win. They deserve it! Am I right, boys?"

Harry and Jack nodded. This reporter inquired if they had considered that it might be time to give up on the team. "**** that! And what, root for the Jets?" 

It seems there is no reasoning with Leafs Nation. The grieving process continues. Some have channeled their pain in healthier ways and have moved on to root for the Blue Jays, since their season is just getting underway. But the pain for many continues to be drowned by alcohol, and punctuated by denial and bargaining. They continue to feed themselves the lie- that next year will be a better year, that all of this will be forgotten. And come October, they'll be back, crowding the Scotiabank Arena, earning their reputation as the most hated fans in the NHL all over again.

The last word goes to a man who seems to be the very definition of a Canadian. A legendary Mountie who's among the most formidable, dangerous, and grumpy people walking the earth today. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich was found by reporters at his detachment in the foothills of the Rockies in Alberta. The Inspector, whose low opinion of entertainment reporters is well known, was reassured that they were well aware that he was not the other Lars Ulrich. This seemed to lighten his mood. He was asked how he felt about the entire matter.

"I find it amusing. I'm an Oilers fan myself," Ulrich admitted. "And watching a bunch of Leafs fans tie themselves into knots of agony every year... well, it's hilarious."  

"Lars! Lars!" a voice called out from the back of the crowd. Reporters turned and saw a fresh faced entertainment reporter coming along, followed by a camera. "Lars, good to see you. Brad Bradley, Entertainment Tonight. What everyone wants to know, Lars, is why Metallica didn't attend the Met Gala. Any comment on that?"

The real reporters backed off to give the Inspector plenty of room. Ulrich glared at Bradley. "I am not that Lars Ulrich."

Bradley laughed. "Oh, such a kidder, Lars!"

What followed next was one left hook from the Inspector that sent Bradley flying forty meters. Ulrich was already pursuing him before Bradley even hit the ground. Bradley got up, with the Inspector hot on his heels in what became an epic chase all the way to Cemetery River. It ended with Bradley in a body cast in hospital, groaning incomprehensibly. 

This is what happens when you insult the world's grouchiest lawman.