The Heartache Of Leafs Nation

Leafs Nation Shattered Once Again After Team Lets Them Down

Toronto (CP) It is a universally acknowledged truth that the Maple Leafs will rip the hearts out of their fans each and every year. Some years it's in not even making the playoffs at all. Others, it's getting a round or two in, only to have the other team stomp on them and send them off to the golf courses. The drought now extends back to 1967, with generations of the fandom otherwise known as Leafs Nation getting their hearts broken. Again, and again. And again. And again some more.

The fortunes of the Maple Leafs took a wrong turn in round two of the Stanley Cup playoffs, after the team won the first two games against the Florida Panthers, only to have everything go horribly wrong, losing three games straight, winning Game 6, and getting humiliated in Game 7, getting eliminated from the playoffs. Leafs Nation have been drowning their sorrows ever since in bars and wondering why things looked so promising, only to collapse in on them. Bartenders have reported a brisk business, all while also reporting acting as unofficial therapists and sources of comfort in the wake of yet another screw up and team collapse.

"This is always a busy time of year for us," one downtown bartender reported. "We bring in a lot of business, but the flip side to it, the fans are deep in that despair stage of grief right now. They're crying, they're hurting, and they all lean on us for some kind of reassurance that it'll get better."

Not all of them are at the despair stage. Some are still angry, blaming the refs, looking for conspiracy theories as to what went wrong. "This was supposed to be our year," Darryl Aldeborough, a long time fan told this reporter. "But we got screwed. Big time. The refs, man, the refs. They got paid off by somebody. I don't know who, but when I find out, I'm gonna..."

This reporter stopped Aldeborough there, reminding him he was venturing into making threats territory.

It's not just the bartenders who are consoling people in the wake of the train wreck that was Round Two. Ministers, priests, and other religious leaders have reported an overwhelming amount of hurt, anger, despair, and heartache from those who have come for consolation. The Reverend Angus Carlyle, a Presbyterian pastor in Edmonton, had an unusual take on the matter. "There is a school of thought, informal, you understand, among some of the faithful in Leafs Nation that they are being punished by God. That God hates the Leafs. That His wrath is being repeatedly vented upon them. And when you look at going on sixty years of failed hopes and dreams... well, you can understand where they're coming from. Doesn't affect me all that much. I'm an Oilers fan."

Psychologists are also reporting heightened levels of anxiety, grief, and depression in Leafs Nation. "It's astonishing, this level of commitment," Doctor Alexandra Seward noted from her Kingston offices. "Generations of people who live and die as Maple Leafs fans, proclaiming each and every year that this is going to be their year, and then seeing their hopes dashed to pieces. We in this profession are starting to muse on the possibility that it might be some sort of mental illness, this devotion to a team that consistently breaks hearts, followed by a summer of forgetting that broken heart. It's been said that insanity is repeating the same mistakes, and well... Leafs Nation keeps making the same mistake."

Game 7 might well have been the most painful game in recent history for fans, a 6 to 1 thrashing in which the Leafs barely registered at all, while the Florida Panthers stomped all over them. Hometown fans were leaving the arena well before the game ended, sensing the worst. The crowd out in Maple Leaf Square were seen howling and crying. In a city of rational hockey fans, this would be enough to kill the fandom. But this is Leafs Nation, and rational doesn't qualify when describing them.

They were spotted burning their Maple Leaf flags, their jerseys. And yet it was inevitable that the same people doing that were just twenty four hours later reassuring themselves that no, this was all a bad memory, and that next year would be better. It is a vicious cycle without end, of bargaining and acceptance, of living in the rut of cheering for a team that will, when it really counts, screw up really badly and blow their chances. 

One season ticket holder this reporter spoke to seemed to take it all in stride, though he declined to give a name. "I know, they're my team. But I also know that they're going to come apart when it really matters. I saw it last year, and told the guys, 'this is when it all starts falling apart.' And I saw it this year in Game 5 when they got smacked around. Hey, at least I made some money on it this time. I bet Florida would win the round, and that's what happened."

Other fans are feeling the pain. At another of the city's bars, this reporter encountered a trio of rather infamous fans, men who once held the Stanley Cup hostage and demanded the Leafs be retroactively be named the champions. "It's ****in' simple," one of them told this reporter. "It's one big ****in' conspiracy against us. Against our boys. Yeah, sure, we might lose our minds after a bad loss and for a moment or two blame the team, but **** no! It's not their fault! We're Leafs Nation! Me and Jack and Harry, we're the biggest fans of the Leafs! Am I right, boys?"

He guzzled down some Molsons before continuing. "Point is, these things ****in' happen. And we'll hurt for a little bit, but we'll get past it. Because they're our team, and we bleed Leafs blue. And next year is gonna be different. Am I right, boys? Go Leafs go!!!!"

This reporter left them to their drinking, seeing no point in trying to get them to accept a little thing called reality.

They came. They saw. They didn't conquer. So it can be said for the end of the Maple Leafs 2024-25 season, ending once again in a disaster of epic proportions. Heads will roll in the off season, but who? And how soon? Which trades will be made, and what rationalizations will be given? 

This reporter leaves off with a remark from someone living in the nation's capital. "There are three certainties. Death. Taxes. And the Maple Leafs screwing up when it really counts."

The Place Where Dreams Go To Die

Leafs Nation In Collective Mourning; Rest Of World Shrugs And Moves On

Toronto (CP) It's been a few days since the Boston Bruins beat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Round One of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, sending the Leafs packing early yet again. A game 7 finale which went to overtime saw the Cup drought in Toronto extend now to 57 years. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth, questions being asked, blame being laid in Leafs Nation. Bars are doing a brisk business soothing the pain of the fans. Leafs management and players are wondering who among them will take the fall this time.

The game in Boston saw the Bruins win in overtime and advance to the next round. Thousands of fans gathered in Maple Leaf Square in Toronto watched and had their hearts dashed to pieces yet again as their Leafs blew it. Again. Generations of fans saying, 'next year' will continue unabated, though perhaps a few might take the hint and realize that next year will never come. Their team is cursed, and the curse is not getting lifted anytime soon.

"For lack of a better term, it's a collective delusion," sports psychologist Warren Alliston told this reporter. "People conditioned for decades, by their parents and grandparents, into believing that this year could be their year. That the Leafs would rise to the occasion. Instead of dealing with reality, which is that the Leafs suck."

When asked if that was a professional opinion, Alliston shrugged. "Not at all. I'm an Edmonton fan."

Wreaths have been placed around Maple Leaf Square, along with hats, t-shirts, and even jerseys in a state of mourning. People in familiar blue and white attire have been seen crying and holding each other for support in the downtown streets near the arena. Some of the more bitter have been seen burning a  Leafs jersey and vowing that they've had enough- though in fact they did the same last year, and will be replacing that jersey over the summer and giving their boys one more chance.

Head coach Sheldon Keefe was fired in recent days, part of the fallout of yet another broken season. "These things happen," he told reporters with a dismayed shrug afterwards. "It's part of the game. Nobody lasts forever in one team. I'll move on, do other things.... say, is anyone hiring?"

Team president Brendan Shanahan, who's been part of the Leafs for a decade with little to show for it, is under pressure from Leafs Nation to do something. "I know it's hard for the fans to have hope, but things will get better," Shanahan told reporters after the Keefe firing. "We're going to get the guys out on the ice next year and they'll play better and everything will be just as you dreamed of all those years when this team was floundering. I promise."

The fact that he's been saying pretty much the same thing in post-season press conferences for years is another matter entirely.

"We're doing great business," bar owner Ted Davis said from his downtown watering hole, The Penalty Shot. "Yeah, folks are feeling down about the guys losing like that, but that's what alcohol is for. It soothes the pain you're feeling in your heart and tells you that everything is going to get better. It's the best thing for you."

"Are you taking money from the liquor companies for saying that?" this reporter inquired.

"How did you know that?" Davis asked, heading back inside to feed the misery of a horde of Leafs fans.

"It's not fair!" one fan told this reporter afterwards, in the company of two friends. "That Cup belongs to us! It belongs to our boys! And we keep getting robbed of it. There's this great big ****in' conspiracy to keep the Stanley Cup out of the hands of the Leafs. And that ****er Bettman is right at the heart of it. He ****in' hates Toronto. Me and Harry and Jack, we're the biggest fans of the Leafs. Ever. And it breaks our hearts every year seein' this happen. Again and again and again. Our boys deserve this win. They deserve it! Am I right, boys?"

Harry and Jack nodded. This reporter inquired if they had considered that it might be time to give up on the team. "**** that! And what, root for the Jets?" 

It seems there is no reasoning with Leafs Nation. The grieving process continues. Some have channeled their pain in healthier ways and have moved on to root for the Blue Jays, since their season is just getting underway. But the pain for many continues to be drowned by alcohol, and punctuated by denial and bargaining. They continue to feed themselves the lie- that next year will be a better year, that all of this will be forgotten. And come October, they'll be back, crowding the Scotiabank Arena, earning their reputation as the most hated fans in the NHL all over again.

The last word goes to a man who seems to be the very definition of a Canadian. A legendary Mountie who's among the most formidable, dangerous, and grumpy people walking the earth today. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich was found by reporters at his detachment in the foothills of the Rockies in Alberta. The Inspector, whose low opinion of entertainment reporters is well known, was reassured that they were well aware that he was not the other Lars Ulrich. This seemed to lighten his mood. He was asked how he felt about the entire matter.

"I find it amusing. I'm an Oilers fan myself," Ulrich admitted. "And watching a bunch of Leafs fans tie themselves into knots of agony every year... well, it's hilarious."  

"Lars! Lars!" a voice called out from the back of the crowd. Reporters turned and saw a fresh faced entertainment reporter coming along, followed by a camera. "Lars, good to see you. Brad Bradley, Entertainment Tonight. What everyone wants to know, Lars, is why Metallica didn't attend the Met Gala. Any comment on that?"

The real reporters backed off to give the Inspector plenty of room. Ulrich glared at Bradley. "I am not that Lars Ulrich."

Bradley laughed. "Oh, such a kidder, Lars!"

What followed next was one left hook from the Inspector that sent Bradley flying forty meters. Ulrich was already pursuing him before Bradley even hit the ground. Bradley got up, with the Inspector hot on his heels in what became an epic chase all the way to Cemetery River. It ended with Bradley in a body cast in hospital, groaning incomprehensibly. 

This is what happens when you insult the world's grouchiest lawman.

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes... and the Toronto Maple Leafs screwing up when it really counts. The NHL playoffs are coming, and the Leafs are middle of the pack in their division. Despite over half a century of experience in failure, Leafs Nation continues to hope and dream, no matter how many times their hearts get stomped on. It's been awhile since I've featured the point of view of this rabid Leafs fan, but it was overdue.

10:38 AM. At work. Bidin' my time til I'm outta here for the day. Big game tonight. Florida is in town, and we gotta pick up some wins. Season's nearly done.

12:05 PM. Shootin' the breeze with the guys around the coffee maker about how great it's gonna be when our boys finally win the Cup and victory's in hand. It'll be great, boys. We been screwed over for way too ****in' long.

3:37 PM. Out of here for the day. It's about time, I hate havin' to rush on a game day, and the Leafs are what I live for. 

Leafs Nation, baby!

4:12 PM. Gettin' home. Okay, gotta get set. Get in the frame of mind to cheer for our boys as they demolish the Panthers tonight. 

4:23 PM. Hockey jersey on, watchin' and listenin' to my guy Don Cherry talkin' on one of the Rock 'em Sock 'em videos. Biggest mistake they ever made was takin' him off the air. Man's a ****in' genius. 

No pain, boys, no pain! Let's tear 'em apart tonight, you hear me???

5:31 PM. Harry and Jack turn up at the door. Hey, boys! Excited for the big game or what?

5:45 PM. Me and Jack and Harry talk it over with some brewskis. Yeah, the season hasn't quite been goin' the way we want it, but that's okay. Because we're gonna come back big time in the playoffs and beat the livin' crap outta everyone, and we're gonna take the Cup. Because it belongs to us.

Go Leafs go!!!!

6:10 PM. Headin' out and grabbin' a cab to go down to see the game. Big night tonight, boys.

6:35 PM. Turnin' up at Maple Leaf Square. 'Cause it's an away game. But Leafs Nation... they're all here tonight, baby! They can feel that the boys are gonna win big time. 

7:02 PM. Talkin' it over with Harry and Jack and all the other Leafs fans while the game's bein' shown on the big screens around the square.

Go Leafs go!!!! Am I right, boys?

7:05 PM. Time for the anthem. O, Maple Leafs, the true north strong and Leaf!

7:07 PM. Puck's gettin' dropped, here we go.....

Go Leafs go!!!!!

7:10 PM. How the **** is Florida three goals ahead of us?

7:51 PM. Our boys are down seventeen to zero. This is ****in' humiliatin'. The only way it could be ****in' worse is if it was Montreal doin' this to us. Or Boston. Or Ottawa.

8:17 PM. C'mon, Woll! You've let twenty five goals in tonight! Are you ****in' blind????

Defense, boys, defense!!!!

8:45 PM. We're in the third. The boys haven't scored once tonight. Meanwhile the Panthers have kept putting the puck in our net over and over again.

Thirty two to zero. 

Boys? This is intolerable.

9:20 PM. Game over, we're done. Thirty five to zero for Florida. Our boys look dejected skatin' off the ice.

Boys? Let's get outta here.

9:35 PM. Me and Harry and Jack get to our favourite bar. Everyone looks as down as we do.

Lou! Let's get some beers here! Anything to make the pain go away, know what I mean?

10:05 PM. The boys and me are gettin' good and wasted, wonderin' where it all went wrong. Does God hate us? Is there a voodoo curse out there somewhere? Why can't we just be happy?

11:48 PM. Pretty much in the bag by now. But me and Harry and Jack are agreed. The boys are gonna come back big next game. And they're gonna make us all forget nights like this. Because they're the best. And nobody nowhere can say different.

Okay, boys, we gotta get outta here. Work again tomorrow.

12:02 AM. Me and Harry and Jack go our separate ways. Them off to their places, me to mine. Hey, cabbie, get me home fast. I might have to throw up.

12:35 AM. Collapsin' into bed. Gonna have a massive ****in' hangover tomorrow, lemme tell you.

But it's worth it. Because Leafs Nation will live and die true blue, baby....

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

 The NHL regular season gets underway this week. It's been awhile since we've last had the point of view of that sadly deluded nitwit who's part of the Leafs Nation cult. All of them earnestly believe that this year will be their year. Even though it never will be....

2:28 PM. At work. ****in' boss. Doesn't give me the ****in' day off. Oh well. Another hour and a half and I'm outta here. 

****er doesn't know how important today is. Regular season home opener for the Maple Leafs, baby! This is our year! The Cup is comin' home! Wooo!

Bet that ****er is a Montreal fan.

3:59 PM. Out the ****in' door. Freedom, baby! I'm excited. Big game tonight, we're hostin' Montreal, and we're gonna murder 'em! The Bay Street Massacre, they'll call it! 

4:02 PM. Hailin' a cab, puttin' on my Leafs jersey. Lookin' forward to gettin' some drinkin' in before the big game!

Hey, I can hold my liquor! Anyone who tells you I got a problem with boozin' is lyin' to you, mother****er!

4:26 PM. Droppin' in at my favourite pub, and there's Harry and Jack waitin' for me. Hey, boys! Good to see you! Lou! Beer here!

Boys? Tonight's the big night. The first stage of the greatest season of our lives. The year the Stanley Cup comes home where it belongs.

Toronto, baby! Go Leafs go! Yeaaaaahhhh!!!!!

4:45 PM. Me and Harry and Jack are talkin' over beer and rings. Off season trades. The line up this year. The new GM. What the coach is up to. It's the perfect formula, guys. Nothin' is gonna stop our boys. Nothin'!

5:32 PM. One more beer for the road, boys, and then we gotta get over to the arena. Big game tonight, boys. Big game!

Go Leafs go!

5:51 PM. On our way out. Hey Lou! Save us our regular seats! Lot of celebratin' to do after the game!

6:20 PM. In the line to get in. Lots of people happy to be here. Ready for the best season ever. An undefeated Leafs squad, all wins, no losses, and sweepin' every series in the playoffs. That's what's gonna happen, baby! And if I'm wrong, may lightnin' strike.... um... Wayne Gretsky! Yeah, that's it. **** Gretsky! Who the **** was he, not signin' with the Leafs back in the day?

7:02 PM. In our seats waitin' on the game to start. Anthem time. O Canada, our Maple Leafs land! True Maple Leaf love, in all of us command!  

7:05 PM. Puck drop about to happen.... here we go, here we go...

Go Leafs go!!!!!!!

7:07 PM. Boys? You wanna tell me how Montreal's up on us 3-0? 

7:21 PM. Yellin' and hollerin'. Hey, ref! Are you blind? You're supposed to help the Leafs win! Get in there and take out the kneecaps of that Montreal goalie! Whaddya doin', lettin' those Habs get ahead seventeen to nothin'?

7:45 PM. Intermission. Me and Harry and Jack, we're flummoxed. How the **** can our boys be down twenty one goals to zilch?

8:18 PM. Gettin' worse now. Those lousy Montreal bums have gotten ahead of our boys thirty two to nothin'.

Come on, ref! They're cheatin'! They're cheatin', and you're standin' there lettin' it happen, you useless ****in' mother****er!!!!

9:31 PM. End of the game. Toronto lost. Forty eight to nothin'. Records smashed. Sittler's old record of ten points in a single game? Gone. That Gallagher ****er scored seven goals and five assists all on his own. Hell, even their ****in' goaltender scored a goal on us. The humiliation.... the rest of the League will never let us live this one down.

Boys? I can't take it. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm done.

9:50 PM. Me and Harry and Jack stop in at the bar. Everybody's lookin' downcast. Grown men cryin' .

This is as bad as it's ever been. This is worse than when they blew those playoff series. 

Lou! Beer here!

10:02 PM. Talkin' it over with the boys. Listen, we gotta... we gotta just break this ****in' rut we're in. We gotta stop rootin' for these guys, boys. Because all we're gettin' outta this is our hearts gettin' stomped on every ****in' year. Over and over and over again. 

We gotta stop bein' part of Leafs Nation.

12:45 AM. Had a few more rounds with the boys. My momentary lapse of faith has been put in the past. Tonight was a hiccup. That's all it was. Things happen. That's it.

Our boys will come back big next time out, and we'll be there to see it all.

Am I right, boys?

1:13 AM. Partin' ways with Jack and Harry to catch a cab home.

Hey, boys!

Go Leafs go!

1:48 AM. Stumblin' in my front door at home. Gonna have a monster hangover in the mornin'. Collapsin' on the couch. Wonder if I can call in sick tomorrow.

Who the **** knows? What I do know is that I'm a fan of the greatest sports team ever, and this is our year, baby!!!!!

Go Leafs go!!!

Geez, I hope I don't choke to death on my vomit while I'm sleepin'.