A Day In The Life Of A Cat

As always, the cat gets the last word in everything...

6:58 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch. Slept well. That will have to do until my next scheduled nap time. Naps are very important for a cat, after all, and I cannot be late for one. 

7:02 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring outside, watching all of the flying lunches out there on my lawn picking away at whatever. Consider yourselves lucky I’m not out there chasing you right now. It would be the end of you, mark my words. But alas, today is a work day for my staff, and I’m not going to get stuck out there all day just because there are some tempting juicy flying lunches seemingly within reach.

7:09 AM. Sounds from upstairs. The staff is up and about. I’ll give her a few minutes to get down here and start seeing to my breakfast. Needless to say, I’m famished right about now. It’s been a whole ten hours since my last snack, and I feel like I haven’t had a meal in a thousand years. No, I am not exaggerating.

7:15 AM. Come on, staff, how long does it take to shower?

7:22 AM. So help me, if I have to wait five more minutes for you to get down here, I will give you such a meowing.

7:26 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. I greet her with meows and demands of breakfast. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting here, staff?

7:27 AM. Explaining my requirements for breakfast to the staff. Now then, staff, I’d like the morning meal to be served on a slightly chilled plate, with a bowl of milk to the side for my consideration. I don’t want you to even think about a bowl of field rations added to the equation, do we understand each other on these conditions?

7:29 AM. The staff puts down a plate of tuna, which despite my requests was not placed into the refrigerator a half hour ago for the required chilling of the plate, and a bowl of milk. She also persists in putting down a bowl of field rations. One of these days, staff, I am going to have to lower myself to speak English to you and explain what’s what and who’s who.

7:31 AM. Settling into my breakfast. Fully intend to leave the field rations alone.

7:35 AM. Have finished the tuna and milk and am licking my lips with satisfaction. Will leave the staff in peace to see to her own breakfast.

7:42 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, looking outside, gazing at the vastness of my domain. Somewhere off in the distance is the baying racket of that awful dog from down the road. Just as long as he doesn’t come here today. 

7:45 AM. The staff gives me a scratch behind the ears as a way to say goodbye. Very well, staff, off to work you go. I’ll be here guarding the house. In between naps.

7:46 AM. Watching the staff get into the car. Now then… what mischief can I get in today?

10:51 AM. Waking up from a nap. Taking a big stretch.

11:07 AM. My explorations of the house have led to a prize discovery- a ball of yarn. Oh, how I love it when life throws you a ball of yarn to play with…

11:36 AM. Have unwound the entire ball of yarn to my satisfaction, and am now wondering how I got it all around all those items of furniture like that. Well, in my defense, cats do some strange things when they become possessed by the power of the yarn.

1:40 PM. Woken up out of a nice nap by the muffled barking of that foul hound from down the road. From the sound of his barking, it seems he missed a chance to bark at the mailman and is now furious about it. Good.

2:21 PM. Despite my reservations, I help myself to some of the field rations.

3:30 PM. Checking the time. Debating whether or not I have the time to have another nap before the staff gets home. I wonder what she’ll think of my latest art installation.

5:10 PM. The staff arrives at home. I greet her with a head bonk. She notices all the unwound yarn strewn around the coffee table and up around the staircase. Do you like it, staff? I call it The Madness Of Medusa Unbound. 

5:32 PM. The staff has finished gathering together The Madness Of Medusa Unbound and is looking at me as if she wonders why she didn’t get a dog. You know why, staff. You needed a cat to give you orders and structure in your life. Besides, I think we know who’s at fault on this one. It’s you.

6:20 PM. The staff is busy making dinner. Meat is involved. This pleases me.

6:34 PM. Dinner with the staff. I have been provided strips of lamb by the staff. Very good, staff.

6:58 PM. Supervising the staff while she does dishes. Just because that's one of my jobs.

8:58 PM. Lying in the living room, staring up at the ceiling, pondering the great mysteries of life. Is the universe an endlessly unfolding ball of yarn?

11:41 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff. Good night. You might want to consider turning up the heat. I’m just saying, the nights are getting colder, fall is coming, and you know what’s behind that, don’t you? Yes. Winter. And I don’t know about you, but I like a comfortably heated slumber.