Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, December 21, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Some links to see to before we really get started today. Norma reposts a Christmas blog from several years ago at her page. Mark talks about Christmas around the world at his page. Deb has a Christmas disaster poem for your perusal. Talli has returned home to Canada for Christmas. Poor Hamish is being subjected to the dread Christmas novelty photo shoot. The misadventures of Shelly's dogs and a bad influence elf continue here and here. Cheryl's cats await Christmas. As do Barbara's cats.

Now then.... time for the cat to run wild....

7:15 AM. Awakened earlier than I would prefer. The fireplace is not lit as I would prefer, given that we are now fully enveloped in winter. Where is the staff when I want a good fire lit? 

7:30 AM. The staff is upstairs getting ready for the day. I am on my rounds inspecting my quarters. The presence of the Christmas tree in my living room continues to perplex me. I have expressed my puzzlement by the occasional batting of ornaments hanging low on the tree. The staff has put the fragile ones higher up.

7:35 AM. Examining calendar. Oh, yes. Christmas Eve is today. 

7:40 AM. The staff comes downstairs. About time, staff. I expect breakfast anon. And while we're at it, you had better assure me that none of your idiot relations show up here tomorrow for Christmas dinner. I dislike having to hide for hours on end while those hooligan kids are running around in my house.

7:45 AM. Sigh. The staff disappoints me once again by feeding me field rations for breakfast.

7:49 AM. I reluctantly eat some of the field rations. Staff, honestly, you should know better by now....

7:55 AM. I feel like a walk about my territory. Staff, let me out.

No, I will not be meowing five minutes from now to be let back in.

8:05 AM. I can hear the demented barking of that demented mutt off in the distance...

I hope he gets a ton of coal in his Christmas stocking.

8:45 AM. Continuing my morning constitutional. Finding myself musing on Norse mythology and the notion that the world will end with a blanket of snow.

Seems strangely fitting, given how much snow is on the ground...

9:19 AM. Wandering through forest. Coming up to clearing ahead....

9:21 AM. Oh, now I know where I am... that farm down the road.

Oh, wait... that's where the annoying dog lives. 

And there he is now.

Isis, why did you allow dogs to be created?

9:22 AM. The dog approaches me with caution, bidding me a Merry Christmas.

Just what is he up to?

9:23 AM. Now I know he's up to something. Rolling over on his back, exposing his stomach to attack... it's a trap. It has to be a trap.

9:24 AM. I ask the dog what he's up to. He seems confused by the question. Dogs are usually confused by many things.

I walk away instead of risking the trap. In the interests of peace on earth and goodwill towards staff, I will play nice today and not swipe at you with my claws, hound.

10:05 AM. Back home. The staff opens the door for me. Very good staff... you've lit the fireplace. Now, I think it's time for a good long nap.

3:55 PM. Waking up from my nap by the fire. Feeling nice and toasty. Dreamed of chasing a squirrel.

6:55 PM. The staff is having dinner. A good roast with some salad and a side of cauliflower. Staff, you will have to explain the appeal of potato salad to me someday.

She has given me slices of beef. Very tasty, staff. Much better than breakfast.

7:15 PM. The staff is having dessert. While I don't particularly see the point of tiramisu, she does give me a bowl of ice cream. And given this time of year, the flavour is candy cane. A peculiar taste, I think, but acceptable.

8:25 PM. The staff is sitting down watching It's A Bitter Life, the point of view of that mean old codger Mr. Potter. Well, at least it's not the original movie. There's only so much I can take of that sugar sweet schmaltzy ending.

8:50 PM. The staff is drinking that eggnog stuff. I take a sniff of it. No, staff, that is certainly not for me. You can have all you want of it.

9:25 PM. Old Man Potter, as played by John Goodman, asks George Bailey, as played by Edward Norton, why he's such an insufferable goody goody. George says, "well gosh, Mr. Potter..."

Staff, this film might be even more annoying than It's A Wonderful Life.

10:05 PM. Old Man Potter is getting a visit from a demon named Estella, played by Lady Gaga. How is this a Christmas movie?

10:10 PM. Estella tells Old Man Potter that he really had a wonderful life screwing everyone he knows over royally, and suggests he frame George Bailey for tax fraud.

10:28 PM. Old Man Potter suddenly meets a bad end by stepping out in front of traffic and getting slammed by a truck just before unleashing Operation Frame George Bailey. Screen fades to black.

Staff, this film was ridiculous. I demand that you never watch it again.

10:45 PM. The staff is hanging up the stockings by the fireplace. I am busy sniffing at the presents beneath the tree. Is there catnip in here? Other items to entertain me? 

And plenty of boxes for me to make use of endlessly?

11:50 PM. The staff is turning out the lights, bidding me good night. 

Good night, staff. I shall no doubt be up at some point in the night. Perhaps I'll walk across you and settle onto your stomach by clawing the covers. I like doing that. I know you tend to mutter and complain in your sleep...

For now, I'll just sit here awhile as the fire burns out.

Since Santa isn't real, it's not as if it'll end up burning his butt anyway, right?


  1. You just cannot go wrong with Grumpy Cat.

    If you do, she'll hunt you down and kill you.

  2. Whoops, I thought this post reminded me of Fiona. I think she's a cat in disguise.

  3. I agree with the car. That movie sounds sucky.

  4. Hey, when does Downton Tabby come on? My cats are asking.

  5. Grumpy may not be amused, but I sure wuz!

  6. The cat in the box looks just like my cat and she loves sleeping in boxes.

  7. You always find the best photos !
    Love the Godzilla one !

    cheers, parsnip

  8. Smiling all the while; both at your posts and the cartoons. They were great.

  9. @Norma: and that she'll enjoy doing.

    @Eve: Fiona might be!

    @Shelly: I thought about going with a real movie... but somehow that part wrote itself!

    @Cheryl: Downton Tabby will be on soon. For five episodes. Then it disappears for a year and a half again.

    @Lorelei: thank you!

    @Kelly: sleeping in boxes is a feline speciality!

    @Parsnip: thank you!

    @Mari: thanks!

  10. But but but!!! It's a wonderful life is a fab film! Yes it is! LOL!! And Father Christmas so exists and is real! He may be a she of many colours too! Hah!Take that Megyn wossername from Fox news who says otherwise - no eggnog for you, madam! And plenty of raspberries!

    Sorry, I digress! Cat in the wall - LOL (now the song is in my head!)!!! Take care

  11. I love reading these even if I do have to take allergy medicine afterward.

  12. I wish I could hide for hours when the idiot relations come over.

  13. We were in Jacksonville, FL on the Riverwalk and black cats lounged about on the benches, under fence railings, and on the weathered decking of the boardwalk. So many cats zoomed quickly toward their hideouts when we strolled passed.

    I'd say we crossed the paths of 2 dozen black cats as we walked along the river on the wooden deck outside the Wyndham Hotel.

    What did I think about on that stroll? A Day In The Life of a Cat and your blog.

    Thank you! :)

  14. Merry Christmas to you and the zoo, William! :)

  15. Hilarious pics! Loved the one with the cat sitting on the dog. The Matrix cat is too funny.


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