Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A Night In The Life Of A Cat

Today I am concluding this set of cat and dog blogs with the point of view of our resident feline, but before I get into it, for another animal point of view, have a look at Norma's blog, where she is writing today about one of the pets she has had, her potbellied pig Iggy.



6:22 PM. Very well, then. It appears that the staff has decided to desert me for the evening. Apparently in her deluded mind, attending social functions such as weddings are more important than catering to the every whim of her rightful mistress. By which, of course, I mean myself.

I shall have to devise a means to show my displeasure at that choice.


6:45 PM. Starting thorough patrol of house. Must determine if there is any trace of a yarn ball. The urge to unwind the yarn ball cannot be resisted, after all. It's in our nature.


7:10 PM. No trace of yarn balls. More's the pity. Will have to amuse myself in other ways.


7:35 PM. Have logged onto the staff's computer in the study. She really needs to change her password. SCARY SPICE is so ten years ago. And it shows an appallingly bad taste in music.

Unfortunately I don't know the staff's credit card numbers. If I did, I'd have a shipment of tuna dispatched to my location post haste.


7:45 PM. Why do they call this thing a mouse? It doesn't smell like a mouse. It doesn't move on its own. It doesn't squeak when you pounce on it. It's just a piece of plastic and wires.

I can't even play with it before eating it.


8:10 PM. I really should stop playing Tetris. Those falling lines and blocks are starting to make my head spin.


8:15 PM. Have found cat porn on obscure site. Who films cats mating and then posts it on the internet?


8:25 PM. She's faking it.


8:52 PM. Is it just me, or is it getting really hot in here?

I think I'd better stop watching this. It could become a habit.


8:55 PM. Have settled down in living room. Turning on television. Documentary on cats on Discovery. Kittens attacking scratching post, as all cats are prone to do. Dismayed to realize it's almost over. Not quite the same as watching cat porn, obviously.


9:01 PM. Changed channels to HBO. Large cage set up in dark warehouse place. Announcer mentions something about Thunderdome, and introduces two fighters. Doctor Phil and Anderson Cooper.

Oh, come on. Those guys can't fight. If you want to entertain me, put two dogs into that cage.

Oh, wait. That's illegal.


9:04 PM. Cooper protests that this wasn't in his contract, as he gets tossed into the cage. Doctor Phil looks like he has a berzerker rage going on.


9:06 PM. Anderson Cooper tries gouging out Doctor Phil's eyes. Doctor Phil manages to get free and clobbers Cooper with a lead pipe.

Oh, come now, if they're going to revert back to the gladiator pits of Rome, at least make it someone who deserves to be in there. Like the Jersey Shore cast. Those people are pretty useless.


9:18 PM. Doctor Phil picks up chainsaw. Oh, this can't end well.


9:20 PM. Well, what do you know? Just like a chicken, a CNN anchor runs around for a few seconds after his head has been cut off.


9:35 PM. Have inadvertantly switched over to FOX. Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter are talking about how they would have lasted a lot longer than Anderson Cooper against Doctor Phil.

Must turn off FOX. Even for humans, those people are nutty.


10:35 PM. The staff has exactly twenty five minutes to walk back in the front door. Otherwise I shall be displeased.


11:02 PM. I am displeased.


11:05 PM. Watching news. Nothing at all of interest to the concerns of cats everywhere. All economy, crime, and anti-Thunderdome legislation. No word on the supply of catnip and milk.


11:30 PM. Still no sign of the staff. Wondering if she's off getting lucky. This will not do. I must personally approve of any matings she undertakes.


12:10 AM. Over an hour late. She and I will have words...


12:55 AM. I have no idea where you are at present, staff, but you have heard of getting home on time, right?


2:15 AM. Finally. The car turns into the driveway. The staff gets home.

Merely over three hours later than I told her to get home....


2:17 AM. Staff walks in through front door. Must stare at her in my most disapproving way.


2:20 AM. Staff goes on and on about how lovely a wedding it was. Meanwhile, I spend my time discreetly sniffing at her. Must know for certain if she has been copulating.

Especially with someone who likes dogs. That would be entirely unacceptable.


2:30 AM. Staff heads upstairs for bed. Following her up. Can pick up no trace of scent of other person on her. Must impress upon her the need to respect my curfews in the future.

Maybe in the morning. I'm getting rather sleepy myself. I haven't had a nap in over ten hours, after all...



26 comments:

  1. I love all the pics...but Smartass is my favorite! (That one little guy looks like he may be working with Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds....)

    You could do a book of these....

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  2. Anderson Cooper will not be amused...

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  3. Your cat blogs pull me in every time, like cat nip. I loved the little Russian Blue in the box, just like our little Chena was, But, OMG, a cat turned on Fox News? Hmm, cats are supposed to be smart.

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  4. love the smart ass one. I will be putting that one up on my wall.

    And doesn't Dr. Phill ALWAYS look that way anyway?
    Has any of you seen the car commercial he's in? It's funny!

    I enjoy your cat/dog posts, William!

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  5. The cats will play. I don't know how you find the time to locate all those pictures. They are so good.

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  6. Love these day in the life stories. You always find the best photos. I love them all but the first one with the little vampire tooth showing is just the best.

    cheers, parsnip

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  7. You know, they say that if you want to have the best seat in the house, to move the cat...and yes, once you leave the chair, it's theirs...

    LOL

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  8. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, William, for sharing. It's all a hurt I didn't know existed. I've always felt for, sympathized with, offered help to those who had suffered such losses. I thought I understood, but I didn't, not really.

    When hub and I first married, we rented a pleasant home in a pleasant neighborhood. The widowed lady around the corner had a teenage son. Both were very nice, except that the lady was extremely homophobic, a situation that made me uncomfortable (as I come from a left of center family, for the most part) and I began to avoid her.

    Well, one afternoon she returned home, went upstairs and screamed so loudly neighbors ran over. Her son had committed suicide. A gun. Horrible scene.

    Kids at school had learned he was gay and were putting him. He didn't want his mother to know so he committed suicide.

    His mother had a complete nervous breakdown that required serious medical help. She recovered, as much as one could, then began speaking to groups about how wrong she had been and so on. I heard she died not long ago, mostly from a broken heart, my friend said.

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  9. Kittie, I can understand why he would have felt that way, and the overwhelming shock of it on his mother. It's something she could have never gotten over. If he had known the damage it would have done to those left behind, if he'd spoken to anyone beforehand...

    With my friend, he was schizophrenic, and had been treated for it for years, even institutionalized. They did everything they could for him, and there came a point for him when the condition was too much, he chose to give up. It's different when you factor in a mental illness like that, but the damage still is done. His parents at least have another son, but it's a heartbreaking loss regardless.

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  10. @Norma: my favourite of the lot is the cat and the horse...

    @Kittie: they are smart! She turned it off quickly!

    @Lorelei: Doctor Phil, undisputed champion of the Thunderdome, at least until next week, when he fights Carrot Top.

    @Mari: I gather them as I see them...

    @Parsnip: he may be cute, but deadly when provoked!

    @Beth: everything belongs to the cats!

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  11. I need to borrow that "negotiation" face for a few days at the office, haha! Also, I would *not* want to bump into those Reservoir Cats in a dark alley:)

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  12. Cat porn? Love the kitty float versus the root beer float pic.

    Hugs and chocolate,
    Shelly

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  13. Oh no, my favourite is definitely 'get me another pillow' that is too adorable!! Thanks for the enjoyable read William.

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  14. We swear, we have no idea how that cat porn got filmed.

    And cats can smell when humans have fornicated?

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  15. Too funny. All these cat posts sure make me wish I had a cat again!

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  16. Big chuckles over your story from the viewpoint of the cat. VERY FUNNY, William! The pics are good, too!

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  17. Thanks, William. People are really helping me out. Blogville is a wonderful place, even more so because of your cats. Think Yosemite Sam could be a Recon Marine!

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  18. I can't decide which is my favorite. They're all awesome!

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  19. And I almost missed another cat posting! Argh! But made it for some good chuckles!

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  20. And I'd have to say "Get Ready to Lose" is my fave. But darn if Yosemite Sam ain't freaky!

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  21. Hee hee, great dog and cat posts. I don't know how you manage to find all those funny photos!

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  22. Ooh, those Reservoir Cats are downright scary! My girl cat thinks they're real hunks. She has no sense.

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  23. @Lynn: my sister-in-law has horses, and cats. I wonder if they do that...

    @LondonLulu: much scarier than anything Tarentino can come up with...

    @Shelly: I'm sure somewhere out there in the dark corners of the internet, there's cat porn. Not that I want to verify it...

    @Grace: thank you!

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  24. @Scarlett and James: yes they can smell that...

    @Krisztina: they are entirely suitable lords and mistresses for us to have!

    @Cathy: thank you!

    @Kelly: aren't they?

    @PK: Yosemite's thinking, "Oooo, I hates rabbits..."

    @Helen: a few at a time!

    @Cheryl: I'm wondering which one of those kitties is the Steve Buscemi.

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  25. Too, too funny! Loved the post and the pics had me dying:)!

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