Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Goodbye, Mittens, Don't Forget To Write


"If a politician murders his mother, the first response of the press or of his opponents will likely be not that it was a terrible thing to do, but rather that in a statement made six years before he had gone on record as being opposed to matricide." ~ Meg Greenfield

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it." ~ Mark Twain

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." ~ Ambrose Bierce

"Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods." ~ H.L. Mencken

"Popularity should be no scale for the election of politicians. If it would depend on popularity, Donald Duck and the Muppets would take seats in senate." ~ Orson Welles

"Hmmm... Kermit For President, Muppet Party 2016... has a nice ring to it." Kermit the Frog


At long, long last, it's over. The endless ordeal that was the 2012 US election campaign actually did reach an end last night, with President Obama scoring a narrow victory over Governor Mittens. The long road has reached its end, with crushing disappointment for one side, the jubilation of victory for the other, and already political minds and pundits talking about what's going to happen in 2016 (Yes, I know, just like you, I'd like to grab them all by the throat and yell "What's wrong with you?????").

This is, fortunately, the last in the line of election campaign blogs for me (at least until 2016!). If by chance you haven't seen it, check out our joint blog, where we had a Without A Word blog having fun of things yesterday.


Aside from the big campaign coming to an end, there were of course some other notable results. In Missouri, Claire McCaskill handed a defeat to Republican Todd Akin, the Senate hopeful who put his foot in his mouth some weeks ago by his complete ignorance of basic female anatomy and going on and on about "legitimate rape." And the states of Washington and Colorado made recreational users of marijuana very, very happy. Denver and Seattle are preparing for a massive influx of newcomers, who are going to put a lot of money into the local economies, particularly in the purchase of cheesies and chips.

As you can imagine, the pundits and comedians were already having a field day with the subject last night, and will for some time to come. For the rest of us, we're feeling something of a hangover.

Well, aside from Governor Mittens, who's not allowed to drink, though I'm sure right about now he'd like to... 


Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and Glenn Beck all spontaneously combusted last night as the evening went on, though Darth Rupert does have their personalities on file to be downloaded into new clone bodies. Apparently spontaneous combustion happens quite often to these three; this is, by all reports, the two hundred ninety seventh time this has happened to Limbaugh.

The editorial cartoonists of the world have a lot to work with now...


Governor Mittens, however, has reached the end of the road. There are few second chances in America for presidential candidates, so he'll have to pack up and go home. Might be hard going back to Massachusetts, since they voted strongly against him... and so did his home state of Michigan.

Maybe it's time to go visit his money in overseas tax havens for the next few years. And look into changing his name. And growing a beard. Either that, or tell anyone who asks, "Oh, no, no relation at all, I just look like that guy."


For the President, on the other hand, well, he has a bit of time to bask in the victory. Sure, he has a Republican opposition in Congress still foaming at the mouth to undermine him at every step, and a fragile economy to treat with the greatest care....

President Obama, you might want to bask in the victory for no more than five hours. Six, at absolute most.

And whatever you do, make sure Biden doesn't say anything.


For the rest of us, we can breathe a sigh of relief. No more endless speeches, rhetoric, attack ads, and wall to wall coverage. It's been settled all in one night. Congratulations, America. We weren't sure if you had it in you to get it done that quickly. None of us wanted to watch a repeat of the debacle in 2000, after all...



Granted, of course... the pundits were already talking on a couple of the channels I checked out about possible contenders in 2016.  I know. I feel like unleashing the zombie plot bunnies on anyone who's already talking about next time.

Though rumor has it the Republicans are going to field country singer Toby Keith and motormouth Ann Coulter for the ticket next time out. With Ted Nugent becoming Secretary of State.


And so I leave you for the last time (barring any chance that last night was a dream and we're just all waking up right now to a massive dispute over what really happened that'll drag out for months to come) with the two candidates you should have voted for.




22 comments:

  1. I'm SO glad it's over! I'm saying a prayer of thanks that Romney, Ryan and Akin were sent packing.

    I did get a kick out of those warm fuzzy speeches they all made, in acceptance or concession. Just once, I'd like to hear what they're really thinking!

    I'm going to miss your election blogs!

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  2. @Norma: I didn't look forward to going on and on with this like it would have been in 2000!

    @Eve: the Square Ones do have a way of making things just so... plus they are adorable.

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  3. As your only Conservative Democrat follower (I voted for Romney) I can't stop laughing over all your Governor Mittens post.
    I live in a state that has a very small electoral vote so my Presidential vote never counts ever. I despise the Electoral Vote... I would like one vote counted as one vote to elect my President. Alas that will never happen.

    It is blessedly quiet at my home this morning... no political phone calls ! The sun is shinning, blue sky and no rioting in the streets.
    woohoo !

    I would vote for those fuzzy Square Ones in a second ! Why wouldn't you ?
    Chkikin' strips for all.

    The House is voted on every two years so you might find some fodder for your blog but not as much as a Presidential Election Year.

    cheers, parsnip

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  4. I really enjoyed this post William. Thank you so much for a much needed chuckle tonight.

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  5. I am so glad it's not Romney. Sooooo glad. But unfortunately I still have a stream of obnoxious comments on FB from my old extremely conservative aquaintences who for some reason think Romney cares more about the poor...Romney!! Do these people watch his interviews or read about his policies at all? Oh no, all they care about is the fact that he appears to be more religious. I probably shouldn't run my mouth anymore...I really have to stop doing that. *Deep breath* Well, at least it wasn't Romney! Woohoooooo!!!!!!!!

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  6. Finally, I can turn the ringer on my phone back on! Those calls trying to convince me about the evils of gay marriage and abortion were tiresome. It was a harsh campaign. I'm glad of the results but a long road ahead, no doubt! On a lighter note, I absolutely love the Twain & Kermit quotes.

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  7. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...Is there EVER a good candidate in ANY election?

    But, I'm glad that Obama got in and not Romney...I don't think the world could survive if he did...It probably would have imploded just at the news of his winning.

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  8. I'm so tired of election talk. I want life to go back to normal.

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  9. Oh, thank goodness it's over. I must say we got off easily on this side of the ocean. I woke up at 6 am and turned on the radio just as Barack was giving his victory speech.

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  10. Ah, it's not over yet, is it? ;D William, you can start blogging about who will be in the race in 2016...

    Also, I am proud to be a Vermont resident. We gave Obama his first three electoral votes!

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  11. Thanks for another good laugh! I'm finally breathing a sigh of releif that it's over!

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  12. I was really hoping Mickey Mouse and DOnald Duck would be elected. Candy and Chocolate for everyone along with free tickets to Disney.

    Hugs and chocolate,
    Shelly

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  13. Your collection of cartoons was OUTSTANDING!! Laughing out loud here.

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  14. I'll vote for Scotties any time. In Minnesota they elected a dead man to the school board! I guess they couldn't take his name off the ballet. Good move.

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  15. @Parsnip: The Square Ones are the most adorable choices for the job!

    @CurlingUp: thanks!

    @Krisztina: I'm glad too!

    @LondonLulu: Kermit 2016. Just don't annoy his wife.

    @Beth: there would have been a lot of unhappy people!

    @Kelly: so do I!


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  16. @Talli: distance is a blessing!

    @UnderCover: not for at least three years!

    @Maria: so am I!

    @Shelly: Donald Duck would be more volatile than Dick Cheney ever was as VP...

    @North Bay: thank you!

    @Deb: a dead man???

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  17. Haha great cartoons. I'm so glad this election is behind us, although it's always great fodder for Saturday Night Live.

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  18. And you go out with a bang! Huzzah!

    I"m so glad it's over, as always. Even tho now we have to hear about all the mistakes and shoulda woulda couldas. AT least my mail wont be full of campaign flyers anymore. Phew!

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  19. Romney's storm tips almost did me it. So funny. I'm so glad he didn't win. I'm with you- I can't believe they're already talking about 2016.

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  20. @Jen: I'm glad it's done!

    @PK: at least until next time...

    @Auden: time to build an anti political ad bunker right now.

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