A Night In The Life Of A Dog

6:26 PM. Hop onto couch. Look out window. Where is human? Human? Come back, human!

6:27 PM. Spotting car pulling out of garage. Human turns on driveway and heads down to road.

What about my mooching opportunities?

Human?

6:30 PM. Must acknowledge possibility that human is not merely going to the general store for goodies.

Not dressed the way she was.

What was that she said? A wedding?

What is a wedding anyway?

6:45 PM. Have removed dictionary from shelf in living room. Must find definition for wedding. Rather difficult to do when you have to turn pages with your snout.

7:10 PM. Ah, here we are. Wedding, noun. The act or ceremony of marrying, marriage, or nuptials.

Just as long as the human isn't surprising me by being part of the equation and getting married herself. Haven't seen her dating anyone in awhile, so I doubt it.

I wonder if I should leave the book open like this, just so she wonders whether or not I know how to read English.

7:25 PM. Staring out front window. No sign of human. Where is she? How long does a wedding take?

7:35 PM. Still no sign of human. Not sure when I last asked myself where she was. I might be able to read  English, but my short attention span balances that out.

8:10 PM. Have gone down into basement in search of something to do. House feels awfully quiet without human inside.

8:15 PM. A discovery! Have found a tennis ball lying around a corner. Perfectly unchewed by yours truly.

I think dissecting the tennis ball is in order. Since my paws don't do a good job of holding a surgical knife, I'll have to use my teeth.

8:21 PM. The tennis ball has been shredded to pieces. The operation is a glorious success.

Faint taste of tennis ball on my breath.

8:35 PM. Back in living room. Have turned on television. Unfortunately it's Cat Week on Discovery.

Why are humans so fascinated by cats anyway? They're not all that cute.

8:45 PM. Watching more footage of cats. All I can figure is that it must have something to do with that purring thing they do. It must hypnotize the humans.

Come on, surely the wag of a dog's tail is much more appealing than a purr!

8:55 PM. Kittens on screen attacking scratching post. They seem demented.

9:00 PM. Changing channel to HBO. Had enough of kittens looking adorable and manipulating humans to their will.

9:10 PM. Anderson Cooper is fighting Doctor Phil in the Thunderdome.

9:20 PM. Doctor Phil just decapitated Anderson Cooper. Guess there won't be any more special reports from hurricanes for him...

This, inevitably, was where twenty four hour news channels and daytime talk shows were going to lead to...

9:25 PM. Doctor Phil ranting incoherently, spattered in Anderson Cooper's blood, dragged out of Thunderdome. Says something about Oprah and Geraldo being next.

What's a Geraldo?

9:55 PM. Turn to CNN, which is airing an Anderson In Memoriam Special. Wolf Blitzer is trying to hide his gleeful smile of opportunity now that his rival is out of the way in favour of crocodile tears. Okay, that's quite enough of this for one evening.

10:15 PM. Staring out window. No sign of human. Come on, human. How long does it take you to come home from... where did she go again?

Oh, yes. A wedding.

Come on, is it a marathon?

10:39 PM. My eyes have caught movement in yard. Small animal crossing. Must bark at it. It could be that squirrel.

Devious little bastard...

10:40 PM. No, it's bigger than a squirrel. It's black... and has a white stri... oh, crap. It's a skunk.

I've run into those before.

Now that I remember.

Mostly the repeated baths in tomato juice to get the stench out of my fur. 

10:42 PM. Is that skunk rolling her eyes at me? What, are you trying to tease me? Just move along, and don't even think about spraying around the property!

12:35 AM. Still no sign of the human. Will continue to stay on station at front window until she gets home.

1:55 AM. Finally! Spotting car pulling into driveway. It's the human!!!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!

1:57 AM. Human opens door. Run around in circles wagging my tail. Human pats me on head. You're home! You're home!!! Did you bring me anything, human? Did you?

2:05 AM. Human says she's tuckered out for night. Asks if I've had nap. Of course not, human, I was waiting up for you. I wasn't sure if you'd ever get back.

Human stops in living room. Stares at dictionary lying open on floor. Looks back at me. I'm not sure if she knows what to think. She heads upstairs to get ready for bed.

At least she didn't go down into the basement and find the remains of that tennis ball...