Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Awww, Isn't That Kind Of You, General Scammer?

Back in October, opening my email one day, there were a few notices in my junk mail folder. With such nuisances, I'll go on in, click sweep on all of them to block them, but inevitably a new email addy will send them back to me sure enough. Most of the time it's some of the same stuff. Online gambling seems to be big. Pharmacy companies trying to sell all sorts of chemical concoctions. Internet porn sites. Frequently I've received the same rambling error filled letter from one Adrianna, who claims we used to hang out, that she really liked me, and oh, by the way, she's working in a cybersex site and is willing to let me have a link. This despite the fact that I've never met an Adrianna.

For another take on this, check out Norma's recent blog on blog hijacking spammers. And every once in awhile, the always disreputable Nigerian Scammer email turns up. Often cluttered with words capitalized that don't need capitalizing, grammatical errors, syntax screw-ups, and reassurances that this is all strictly above board. I present to you the email sent in its entirety.....


Attention: Our Honorable Beneficiary

I am General David Ejoor (Ltd) the national security adviser to the New President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan Federal Republic of Nigeria, I am delighted to inform you that the contract panel which just concluded it seating in Abuja has just released your name among contractors to benefit from the Diplomatic Immunity Payment.

This Panel was primarily delegated to investigate manipulated contract and inheritance claims, contracts and over-invoiced payment as the negative effects has eaten deep into the Economy of our dear country. Please disregard any replication of this message without the presidential allocation code as stated above.

However, we wish to bring to your notice that your contract/inheritance profile is still reflecting in our central computeronic presidential system as an unpaid contract/inheritance during auditing excise. Your payment file was forwarded to my office by the auditors as unclaimed fund and we wish to use this medium to inform you that for the time being, Federal Government of Nigeria have stopped further payment through bank to bank transfer, payment by draft except on some special instructions, due to foreign beneficiary numerous petitions to United Nations, FBI, CIA and international police against Nigeria on wrong payment and diversion of foreign funds to different accounts. In view of this therefore, we are going to send your contract or inheritance part payment of US$4.5 Million to you via special diplomatic means through our accredited shipping company.

This office have secured every needed documents to cover the money. Please Note: The money is coming on 1 security proof box. The box is sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine. Please you don't have to worry for anything as the transaction is 100% secure. The box is also coming with a Diplomatic agent who will accompany the box to your given house address.

We have verified your payment file as directed to us and your name is next on the list of our outstanding contract/inheritance fund beneficiaries to receive their payment at this plenary section of the year 2012 and because of many funds beneficiaries due for payment at this quarter of the year, you are entitled to receive the sum of Four Million five Hundred United States Dollars (US$4,500,000) only as part payment so as to enable us pay other beneficiaries.
To facilitate with the process of this transaction, please kindly re-confirm

the following information below:
1) Your full Name and Address; 2) Phones, Fax and Mobile No; 3) Profession, Age and Marital Status material handler; 4) Copy of any valid form of your Identification;
Please Note: The diplomat does not know the original contents of the box,for security reasons we declared that the box contains Sensitive Photographic Film Materials meant for you, kindly ensure that you do not disclose the real content of the box to the diplomat regardless of pressure or anything.

If they call you and ask you the contents please tell them the same thing Ok,call me on my direct phone +234-8052641350. confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me immediately you receive this message.

Kindly note that this is urgent so you get back to us because the boxes are schedule to live as soon as we hear from you.

Call me immediately.


Best Regards,

Okay, me again. You didn't believe any of it either. As we can see in the works of Homo Sapiens Nigerianus Scammeritis, errors abound (seriously, computeronic is not a word), and the usual fake-formal tone is throughout the scam letter. I had a look at a couple of names out of curiousity... and yes, there was a General Ejoor in Nigeria, but... the dude's retired, and he's not a National Security Advisor.

Nice try, Nigerian Scammers. Like I'm going to believe you're so generous to be sending four and a half million my way.

What we really need is to give the Nobel Prize to a scientist who develops a virus that deliberately and only targets scammers.


  1. I that central computermoronic or computeronic? What will you serve when the Diplomatic agent shows up at your door? LOL

  2. A quick peek shows that the word computeronic does show up at sites... usually reporting Nigerian scammers.

    What would I serve? Hmmm, something as light and flaky as the scam itself.

  3. At least our email software has gotten better at filtering these messages into the junk folder. I feel sorry for the people who actually believe these types of things (does that actually happen?).

  4. ummmmm... computeronic, sounds like a Hamish word.

    Be sure to take photos when the Diplomatic shows up.

    cheers, parsnip

  5. Hey! Computeromoronics is a real word. Shoot, I've got a degree in it. Really! I do, honestly. And if you pay me 5K I'll make sure you can get that degree too.That way you'll not miss out on the next shipment of real free money.

  6. They're branching out. Remember the one I got recently from the Royal Bank of Canada?

    They're not only criminals, they're insulting criminals. They actually think we'll fall for such garbage....

  7. Someone told me recently that those scams are deliberately transparent. The theory is that only people too stupid to do anything about it later would fall for it. Which is even slimier...

  8. What's really sad is that people will still fall for it. I get a dozen messages every week from banks I've never heard of telling me that this is my final warning to input my details before my account is permanently closed with the forfeiture or several thousand pounds I never knew I possessed.

  9. I would be so screwed. I'm sure I'd blurt out the contents of the padded sealed box to the courier. Gummy bears! Weeee!

  10. Hey -- I thought that Nigerian person just wanted *my* help!

  11. At least this e-mail is something that you can laugh off. The scary thing is some scam e-mails can be pretty convincing. I know of a few people who have fallen foul of the "UPS package" scam. They didn't lose any money out of it, just contracted a computer virus, but annoying all the same.
    And we can only assume that as our spam filters get better, scammers' ploys will become more sophisticated..

  12. I know that scam well... years ago they got a hold of a check that I sent from work to a canadian company (PO box) from the US. They copied the check information & my signature and used our bank account info for the prize. was a nightmare!

  13. Most of the spammers I get want to sell me real estate. Maybe the land is in Nigeria?!

  14. Love this post! I get a lot from the FBI....must be on their most wanted list!

    As always thanks for stopping by my blog.

  15. @Carla: if it happens one time out of a hundred, that's a good day for the scammers...

    @Parsnip: it does sound like a Hamish word!

    @Lucy: just five k?

    @Norma: calling it garbage is an understatement!

    @UnderCover: that makes sense...

    @Roger: this kind of nonsense never ceases to amaze me...

    @Karla: gummy bears, huh?

    @Mark: just you and ten thousand other people.

    @Helen: the scammers will never give up...

    @Hilary: I can see that being a huge nightmare!

    @Lynn: Why would anyone want real estate there to begin with?

    @Debra: I remember one of these that was supposedly done at the behest of a distant member of the Royal Family...

  16. LOL! "The box is sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine." Oh dear oh dear oh dear!

    LOL!! But they are funny though! Take care

  17. I never even read these in my inbox. They go to my junk folder and from there I delete without opening.

  18. Ugh, this is quickly becoming a one-a-day phenomenon. I would *love* some smarty mc-smart smart scientist to solve the problem forever!:)

  19. Oh, I wish someone develops a program targetting spammers! Thanks for this post, why don't these people try selling their story to filmmakers? But then would anyone be interested?

  20. Hey, I got this one! Oh, sigh, spammers. I'd love if someone could screen them out!

  21. I get emails like this too but I'm way to afraid to open them- thinking they're loaded with a nasty virus. I like your idea of a virus that targets scammers. I even get spammers commenting on my blog. Seriously?!

  22. I like the last part, about "the boxes are schedule to live"...

    Never seen a living box. Wonder if it dances or just sits there and breathes.

    Thank goodness for good English! Gives it away from the start.

  23. My in-laws have a close friend who lives in Kenya and is named Joseph. One day when we were on Skype, my mom-in-law said, "Joseph must be giving our name out to some of his friends because we keep getting emails from people in Nigeria!"
    ...thank heavens she never replied!

  24. It's worth noting that naive young Nigerians and other Africans are targeted by European and American scam artists offering football (soccer) scholarships to training camps in Europe or the USA where it is promised that they will be scouted by the big league teams. All one has to do is pay a registration fee.... (I lived in West Africa for 5 years and still correspond with people over there - I've heard of poor kids who've sunk years of savings into these scams run by creeps fully as venal and unscrupulous as the 419 scammers and much slicker. We should be proud.) Then there are the scammers who target the poor and naive in many parts of the world offering to facilitate emigration to Canada or the USA, again for a small registration fee.

    The 419 scam is laughable to most of us because it is so transparently fraudulent but it's really focused on people who have more money and more greed than sense. Scams operated by our more sophisticated compatriots that are aimed at poor kids in poor countries - now those are scams that are worth exposing.

  25. @Old Kitty: they're ludicrous!

    @Kelly: they do belong there...

    @LondonLulu: we'd all be ever so happy!

    @Nas: I think they'd try to scam the filmmakers!

    @Talli: we'll have to send Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds...

    @Auden: occasionally I get emails without any subject from people I know... and with only a gibberish link in them. Those I'll never click on. Spammers somehow piggy back viruses into those...

    @Cheryl: who knows?

    @Padded Cell: it never ends!

    @Benjamin: scam artists of any type are the scum of the earth...


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.