Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, December 1, 2012

M Is For Megalomania

And so we come to it. When I last did one of these, it was back in October, and a certain blue furred Muppet with an odd way of talking had been kidnapped by his archenemy, an angry Muppet who managed to cheat death. Confused yet? You will be....

Anyway, time to get this finished up, so here is the first of three blogs we might think of as the final chapter. Or the end. Or the end of the beginning. Or the beginning of the end.

At least until I figure out a way to go even deeper down the proverbial rabbit hole....

The secret lair of Muppet archvillain Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue. Grover the Muppet is tied up, sitting in a chair, kept awake by bright light over his head, dazzling him. He looks around the large room, wondering what time it is, where he is... how long he’s been here. He’s disoriented, hungry, and not quite sure if he’s getting out of this one alive.
“What have I done, sir? To offend Mr. Johnson so? Why would he resort to such drastic measures against me, sir?” Grover asks himself.
A door opens up, and the dark fiend walks into the room. “You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity,” Johnson tells Grover, stopping before him, glaring at him with a look of seething hatred.
“On the contrary, sir! It is most certainly not! Everyone occasionally will talk to themselves, sir. Some days you might ask yourself if you are forgetting anything, sir, or where your keys have been misplaced.”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?” Johnson asks in a tone of contempt.
“Very often, sir, but I do not hold that against them, sir.”
“You also refrain from using contractions. It’s quite annoying.
“Do you not mean it is quite annoying?”
Shut up!!!” Johnson hits Grover square in the face.

“That is not polite, sir! And really, neither is the fact that you have kidnapped me, sir. You need help, sir. You have a lot of anger deep down, sir,” Grover pleads.
“I don’t need advice from you,” Johnson declares.
“But you do, sir. You really do. You are at a crossroad, sir. You have done terrible things, and for the sake of your own soul, sir, you must do penance for them. You must make things right, sir,” Grover reasons.
“What part of shut up did you not understand?” Johnson declares with a sneer.
“Well, I do have one question, sir.”
“Make it snappy.”
“Well, I know that good Inspector Ulrich managed to kill you, sir. You were dead, sir. How is it possible that you are alive, sir?”
“Ah, yes, well, it seems that I had help. An evil genius who managed to raise me from the dead using a combination of arcane magics and scientific mayhem. It’s all rather technical, but you’ll meet him soon enough. In a way, you’ll meet him again.” Johnson smiles in a cold, calculating way.
“Do you not mean it is all rather technical, but you will meet him? And you will meet him again. That is the proper way to say it, sir."
“Shut up!!!” Johnson hits him again.

“If you insist, sir. I will shut up, sir. But I believe I will get out from this place, sir. You cannot win, sir,” Grover tells Johnson with confidence.
“Oh, and why not?” Johnson sounds condescending.
“Because you have crossed Lars Ulrich, sir. He is a Mountie, sir, and Mounties never stop. He will know you are alive, sir, and he will come after you.”
Johnson shrugs. “Let him. I’ve got a score to settle with him myself.”
“Sir, be honest with me. When you were a young baby Muppet, did you not get enough hugs? Is that the reason why you have turned out so evil, sir? Did you not have a teddy to call your own, sir?”
“Well, I did have a stuffed Smokey the Bear, but I lost him on a trip to... wait a minute! I am not falling for this whole bonding with the kidnapper trick you’re pulling!” Johnson sneers at Grover. “Count down the hours, Grover. You’re going to die soon,” he predicts, walking back towards the door.
“First, sir, how can I count down the hours, sir? You have left me no clock. Second, do you not mean you are going to die soon, sir?”
Johnson stares at Grover, rolls his eyes, and opens the door. “Shut up!!!”
He slams it shut as he leaves. Grover sighs. “Was it something I said, sir?”


  1. That is brilliant! I love the muppets done like this!
    Keep 'm coming!

  2. It's been a while since I've seen Sam the Eagle, love it! I think Jim Henson might've gotten a nice chuckle out of these. (There's something magic about winter indeed & skating Rideau Canal ranks up there with the most magical!)

  3. Where's a Mountie when you need him? Maybe he's on tour with Metallica.

  4. @Lucy: thank you!

    @LondonLulu: of course, there's also the possibility that Jim would want my head on a pike...

    @Eve: Who'd have thought Grover would understand using psychological tricks?

    @Karla: one of these days, I have to write Inspector Lars meeting Metalhead Lars...

  5. Oh, wow. Which one do I want to root for? I'm not quite certain...
    Good job. I'm not familiar with these Muppets, I guess.

  6. Oh no, Cookie Monster?! My favorite.

    If it weren't for Writer's Digest shutting down, I would not have discovered I wasn't already following you!!!! lol

    I am now.

  7. Ah, this is the one you read at the last meeting. Excellent, as always!

    Lars meeting Lars? Lars One would probably arrest Lars Two....

  8. Got the settings for the next Muppet movie right here. THose pics are too funny!

  9. Wacky! I'm intrigued about what craziness the next instalments will bring. Keep up the good work!

  10. Well I don't know who Mr Johnson is but I hope Mr Snufflelafagus will hunt him down and sit on him! Yay! Take care

  11. @Lorelei: I'll have to put up a pic of Mr. Johnson and Grover for the next blog...

    @Diane: there's no shortage of twisted Cookie Monster pics out there. I'll have to figure out a way to fit him into the third part...

    @Norma: Inspector Lars might feel compelled to hit Metalhead Lars...

    @PK: thank you!

    @Helen: thanks!

    @Old Kitty: way back when I started all of this, Mr. Johnson actually hired Snuffy as his hit-elephant to kill Elmo. Yes, it's even more complicated than I said...

  12. These pictures are funny! Love the muppets!

    What's next?

  13. Poor Grover. So where's the Mounties when we need 'em?

  14. Love the Shinning picture and Lars!

  15. So fun to see the Muppets in a different light;)!

  16. We're wondering which is the captor and which is the hostage...

  17. @Nas: I do have an idea or two...

    @Cheryl: coming just in the nick of time, of course...

    @Deb: Lars is, after all, the hero.

    @Maria: it's fun to write them this way..

    @Scarlett and James: Mr. Johnson is the real hostage, of course...


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.