Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Sunday, April 22, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:45 AM. Awake for first time in morning. Will have to catch up on sleep later.

8:15 AM. Staff has not prepared breakfast to my satisfaction. Continues to give me mere field rations rather then the gourmet meal I desire. Must address this matter post haste.

8:35 AM. Staff placates me by spreading catnip all over scratching post. Wind up going crazy for twenty minutes attacking scratching post. Staff takes pictures of me and speaks of posting online. Will demand rights of first refusal regarding public images. Have reputation to uphold. Can't be seen as addicted to catnip.

10:15 AM. Wake up from nap. Patrol of home. Saw neighbour cat outside on my property. Cannot allow this incursion onto my territory. Demanded staff open door.

10:16 AM. Epic battle of hissing and claws between myself and enemy cat in back yard. Achieved total victory by driving off enemy cat.

10: 30 AM. Back inside. Staff leaving house to go to place she calls "work" for day. Wondering why staff must leave. Aren't I more important? Should my needs not come first?

10:35 AM. Staff gone. Will take nap.

12:45 PM. Wake up from nap. Eating more of the field rations. Grumbling about being subjected to such treatment. Must have words with staff about improvements to my meals. Otherwise will shred her boyfriend's coat the next time he comes over. Don't like him anyway. He's a dog person.

1:15 PM. Turned on television. Soap opera on. Don't like such shows. Nothing ever gets resolved, stories go on forever, common sense completely absent, no proper devotion to cats. Switch channel.

1:20 PM. Strange man named Wolf on television talking about budget and campaign financing scandal before segue into talking about obnoxious humans called Kardashians. Wonder why such talentless hacks deserve any attention. Will have to have word with CNN to stop using holograms and cheesy technology in place of in-depth reporting. And where are the stories about monuments being raised in honor of cats?

1:30 PM. Sports channel broadcasting golf championship from place called Georgia. Am dismayed by the words Tiger Woods, expecting one of the larger felines, only to find out it refers to a tired-looking human being who looks like he hasn't slept in years. That's not a tiger!

2:10 PM. Found documentary on cats playing on Discovery. Will settle in and watch.

2:15 PM. Slightly dismayed. Documentary is not on cats in general as object of devotion, but about ocelots.  Will send off letter of complaint to Discovery. Turn off television. Time for nap.

3:25 PM. Wake up from nap. Look outside. Birds in feeder across street. So near, and yet so far away....

3:35 PM. Speculating on how to figure out a way to open doors myself. Lack of opposable thumbs remains an issue to prevent such conveniences. 

3:45 PM. Phone message left for staff by dog-person boyfriend. Something about cancelling date and going out for night on the town with the boys. Heard dog barking in background.

4:05 PM. Found ball of yarn in study. Pulling string.

4:15 PM. Ball of yarn becoming more unspooled. Fun, fun, fun.

4:35 PM. Have wound string through each slot of staircase banister, around furniture on first floor. Taking second half of yarn ball upstairs to continue to carry out exercise in mischief.

5 PM. Yarn completely unwound. Tired. Time for nap.

6: 20 PM. Wake up. Feeling hungry. Wondering when staff getting home.

7:15 PM. Staff walks into house. Sees string wound about all over house. Staff sighs in dismay.

7:20 PM. Defuse staff exasperation over ball of yarn by rubbing head against her leg and purring. Makes her go all soft and melty. Works every time.

7:30 PM. Staff serves dinner. Still not the gourmet meal I deserve. And she wonders why I do things like unspool yarn.

8:10 PM. Staff has managed to undo all the yarn from the house. She wags a finger at me as if annoyed, then melts as I pull the whole purring and rubbing my head against her leg routine.

8:30 PM. Staff hears message from annoying dog person boyfriend. Calls him back. Gets into argument.

8:45 PM. Staff has broken up with annoying dog person boyfriend. So much the better. He was dragging down her standards, being a dog person. We can't have that in my home, can we?

9:15 PM. Staff swears off men.

9:45 PM. Staff and I settle down to watch movie. Romantic comedy. Staff gives me bowl of milk. Much better then field rations.

11:30 PM. Staff getting tired. Cuddles with me. I put up with it, given that staff is probably annoyed with breaking up with annoying dog person boyfriend. Purr a lot for reassurance.

11:50 PM. Staff off to bed. Take my customary place on the bed beside her. Will enjoy not having annoying dog person boyfriend staying over on occasion. Regret not getting the chance to shred his coat. Must confer with staff about choosing better dating material in future. We cannot have dog people in my home.

Will dream of chasing rabbits. In fields of catnip.


  1. Oh, this is so clever! And it does sound totally cat!

    Did the kittens ever find the computer's mouse?

  2. I think they get distracted by the wires!

  3. Do I get extra credit for holding off the writing of ending of my short story, and now it's getting way past my bath hour... Damn you William for being so clever and hilarious! I'm sure someone has put you upt to this. I'll get to the bottom of it soon!

  4. Love how the owner is referred to as "staff", speaks to the cat's superiority, for sure.

    The cat in the "Go... save yourself from the zombies" comic is too cute. How could you ever leave that cat to the zombies?

  5. I purred! Yep, I'm a cat person. Our Chester ate three mice he found near our computer (but at different times).

  6. OMG, that was sooooo cute!!! I love the liquid cat...

    This whole blog just screams my cats....they do this, I swear!!!

    Great blog, William, as always.

  7. Staff seems to have a lot of pictures for blackmail purposes. Be careful! LOL

  8. My cat demanded that I read this post. I reminded it of which life it is on and that we could quickly make that #9. It went back to sleep on my papers.

  9. OMG, love the annoying drunk! lol

  10. Ha! This dog lover's logic must be broken! I'm darn glad, too!!

  11. Hamish told me to tell you
    "kazs bad dug gud"

    I have always said Scotties are the cats of the dog world. They do what they want when they want if they want to.

    Love the Army of Darkness photo. Just the best.

    cheers, parsnip

  12. William - you weren't kidding.. Alex and I LOVED this post.. this was hysterical (and so true). As we read, alex kept nodding his head in agreement... he feels the same way!

  13. Alex wanted me to say something = wake up at 7:45? he questioned. why so late? he suggested waking up at 3:30 that way by 7:45 you get your second breakfast...

  14. Ah, those are great! Who ever thought the world would have such fun with cat pics??

  15. Hehe! That first photo cracks me up.

  16. Right now, I feel like the black cat with the crazy eye that's in need of coffee.


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