Moses Versus The Sneering Edward G. Robinson

"Let the name of Moses be stricken from every book and tablet, stricken from all pylons and obelisks, stricken from every monument of Egypt. Let the name of Moses be unheard and unspoken, erased from the memory of men for all time." ~ Sethi

"You let Moses kill my son. No god can bring him back. What have you done to Moses? How did he die? Did he cry for mercy when you tortured him? Bring me to his body! I want to see it, Rameses! I want to see it!" ~ Nefretiri

"Here is your king's scepter, and here is your kingdom, with the scorpion, the cobra, and the lizard for subjects. Free them, if you will. Leave the Hebrews to me." ~~ Rameses

"Does your god live on this mountain?" ~~Moses

"Sinai is His high place, His temple."~ Sephora

"If this god is God, he would live on every mountain, in every valley. He would not be the god of Israel or Ishmael alone, but of all men." ~ Moses 

"Now see here, Moses, you dirty rat, you and I are going to take a road trip down to Thebes, see? And only one of us is coming back, and it ain't gonna be you, see?" ~ Edward G. Robinson, going off script

"Damn it, Edward, what was I thinking, hiring a guy who's spent his career playing gangsters?" Cecil B. DeMille

The Ten Commandments, aka Cecil B. DeMille's crowning achievement. The director made a career out of gigantic epics on film, using casts of thousands of people. He made a silent version of the familiar Biblical Exodus in the 1920s, and revisited the genre once again for the 1956 epic classic starring Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner. Aside from the proverbial cast of thousands, he also enlisted a primary cast of actors from a wide range of backgrounds, with the odd miscasting. His crew paid attention to a multitude of details in this film that evokes ancient Egypt in a grand spectacle. It was nominated for multiple Oscars, rightfully winning for special effects, along with other awards at the time, and has retained its classic status, aired yearly at the Easter and Passover season. At least it seems to make sense to air it this time of year, unlike, oh, the yearly airings of The Sound Of Music at Christmas. Memo to the networks: caterwauling nuns have nothing to do with Christmas!

DeMille introduces and narrates his story, drawing us back in time to the bondage of the Hebrews in Egypt and the salvation of one, an infant who ends up in the house of Pharoah, saved from the Nile by a daughter of Pharoah, Bithiah (Nina Foch, playing both the young and older versions of the character). Years later, her son is Prince Moses (Heston), a celebrated hero of the Egyptian people, treated like a son by his uncle, Sethi (Cedric Hardwicke), lusted after by Nefretiri (Anne Baxter), and resented by his cousin Rameses (Brynner). He has no idea of his true origins, simply going through life winning military victories, securing peace with those who opposed himself, and covering himself with glory, all in the service of his king. 

Meanwhile the Hebrew people are busy being worked to the grindstone by their overseers, such as Baka (Vincent Price, menacing his way through the film like he usually did), or Dathan (Edward G. Robinson), a weasel of weasels. And that's insulting weasels. Those under their heel include the young Joshua (John Derek), a fearless and restless stonecutter, who yearns for the day he can put down his chisel, pick up a sword, and kick some Egyptian butt.

Rameses being Rameses, he tries to thwart the seeming inevitable rise of Moses to the throne. Moses finds himself supremely lost in the company of the self absorbed Nefretiri when he has the time. Sethi worries about rumours of a deliverer who will lead the slaves out of Egypt. And the audience looks at their watches right about now wondering how long it'll take to get to the Red Sea. If you haven't by chance ever seen this one (which, I'll admit, is odd), I should tell you it's a really, really, really, really, really long film. You could bake Peking Duck in the time this film takes.

Moses learns the truth about himself, as of course he must (otherwise, what would be the point to the story?). Rameses drives him off into exile, Moses wanders through the desert, and eventually fate will take a hand and lead the two rivals back into a confrontation. All the while Edward G. Robinson lurks around, acting as if he's looking for a tommy gun (the man did play a lot of mobsters, you know).

DeMille was the gold standard of epic movie making. Take a look at just some of his resume: Cleopatra, Samson and Delilah, The Greatest Show On Earth, Union Pacific, Unconquered, and The Plainsman. He was skilled at managing huge casts and crews, though he had a reputation for perfectionism and something of a difficult nature. This was his last film, as it took a toll on his health (he suffered a heart attack during filming and was back within a week on set). He filmed on location in Egypt and the Sinai, and the sets constructed by his crews for the film were massive. The logistics alone in managing everything boggles the mind. His crew outdid themselves in the building of the sets, the lavish attention to detail of costuming, makeup, and props. As a filmmaker, DeMille had an innate understanding of how to film thousands in one scene, and in the next to use intimate lighting for a moment between two characters. And though the film is long, it doesn't drag (except when we have a really, really, really annoying child actor, but more on that in a bit). DeMille takes the story that comes to us from a committee of screenwriters, and runs with it in a way that does justice to the story, as if he knew this was his last go around behind the camera. The visual effects won the Oscar, and they do justice with the techniques available to them at the time, particularly in the Red Sea sequence, or the arrival of the last plague of Egypt, coming in the form of a mist in the night. One highlight among the crew: the music composed by Elmer Bernstein, who was early in his career at the time, and delivered one of his best, a majestic, soaring score filled with ethnic instruments and grand themes.

The cast is up and down as we go along. Let's start with some of the supporting characters. Vincent Price is somewhat miscast, but he's not around for long. Unfortunately he spent much of his career in horror films, so we the audience still associate him as such. At least his character's a sleazeball. His counterpart in all this, Edward G. Robinson, is an even bigger miscast. I like him a lot as an actor, but I've always found him a huge distraction as this character. I was so used to Robinson playing gangsters, and here he's playing a real creep, but I simply can't watch the film without expecting him to break out into the parlance of a New Jersey gun toting goon any moment. It's all the more distracting because the character sticks around through the whole film, constantly lurking about, sneering at everyone, throwing his weight around, scheming and plotting, and being a general prat willing to sell out his best friend if it'll get him an advantage. Come to think of it, Dathan would make a pretty good politician.

John Carradine and Olive Deering turn up as Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam. They play the roles as stoic and earnest, meant to support their brother. We even get ourselves more than one love story through this film in the form of Joshua and Lilia (played by Debra Paget). John Derek plays Joshua as fierce at times, and perhaps too reckless, too willing to charge in without thinking. Yet as time goes on in the film (the Peking Duck ought to stewing in its own juices about now), his recklessness is tempered, and we see elements of the leader in his performance. Paget's cast in something of a quandary; her Lilia is a beauty, which tends to attract the attention of lecherous overlords (Price and Robinson, who- when they aren't busy carving up the brain of a mental patient or dropping a debtor off the side of a boat, outfitted with cement shoes- are both lusting after her). She plays the character as seemingly resigned to her fate, sacrificing herself for the man she actually loves, the stonecutter with the abs. One minor character, but whom I must mention. Eugene Mazzolla (who, you ask?) plays the son of Rameses and Nefretiri. I stand by my firm belief that this is the worst casting of a child actor of all time. He's horribly wooden and awkward and brings the movie to a crashing halt every single time he opens his mouth to speak. My thought when the kid finally bites the dust?

Cedric Hardwicke plays Sethi in a dignified way. Sethi is charming with Nefretiri, who is meant to be the Queen of Egypt upon his death. He favours Moses early on, seems to roll his eyes at the ambitions of his own son Rameses, which makes it all the more painful for him when the truth comes out. Nina Foch is one of the bigger surprises of the film, utterly sympathetic as Sethi's sister Bithiah, adoptive mother of Moses. She spends years hiding secrets, and yet we see her as the person who shapes so much of the man he is to become. Also sympathetic is Martha Scott playing the biological mother of Moses, making difficult decisions early in his life that speak to the character's love for him, and conveying an inner strength in the role. 

The leading actors are what grounds the film, and each of them perform well in their roles. Yvonne DeCarlo plays Sephora, the woman who claims the heart of Moses (not literally, this is not a Saw movie) during his exile in the desert. She plays the character as steadfast and strong, with a faith that sustains her and an inner decency. Sephora is a character who puts the needs of others before herself, and a better match for Moses than the one we first see earlier in the film. Anne Baxter plays Nefretiri as the vamp you might expect her to be. She lusts for Moses, claims to love him even long after he's moved on with his life and gotten himself a decidedly gray beard. I'm not sure she does love him. I've always felt, watching this film, that Nefretiri is only in love with herself... and that's what makes the performance work. She's selfish, spoiled, and completely self absorbed, and Baxter conveys those qualities in an over the top kind of way.

Yul Brynner is magnificent and fierce as Rameses. There is an arrogance to the character, a disdain that exudes his every moment on screen. He feels no loyalty to the sort of brother he was raised with. His loyalties, ultimately, are to himself. He plays the role as a man of jealousy, ambition, and determination, driven to be immortalized in history, and yet consumed by that same ambition. Heston plays Moses as you might expect. As a young man we see a prince who still has a sense of fairness about him- he's willing to spare the life of a slave and to treat them decently. You wouldn't see that kind of consideration out of Rameses. As time goes on and he finds his destiny, and starts taking on the look of what you'd expect out of an Old Testament prophet, he brings weight to the role, and gravity that matches Brynner's performance.

The Ten Commandments remains a tradition in the decades since it was first released. It's one of the biggest box office successes of all time, adjusted for inflation, and it's a grand, sweeping spectacle retelling of the Biblical epic. It confronts the audience with the price of ambition, the meaning of freedom, and the struggle for a better life. It deserves its status as a classic. Even if Edward G. "Mugsy" Robinson doesn't get a chance to tote a tommy gun this time out.

Can We Be Freed Without That Musical Number?

Some links before I get started. We had a Snippet Sunday post at the joint blog. Krisztina had suggestions for carrot cake at her blog. Cheryl has some shots at her page from an arts and crafts fair. This being A-Z Month among some bloggers, Shelly and Eve are both taking part. Gina took a look at the town of Toledo, Oregon at American Small Towns. Christine posted at her blog about going to an interactive history park. And have a look at what happens in the video link here about a moose that was freed after being stuck in snow.

It's Easter week, and Passover too, so I thought I would do two movie reviews in advance, both dealing with the theme of the Exodus. Today I'll be dealing with a more recent version of the story, and in my next post I'll be examining the classic version.

"I will not be dictated to, I will not be threatened. I am the morning and evening star, I am Pharoah!" ~ Rameses

"I seek to build an empire, and your only thought is to amuse yourselves by tearing it down! Have I taught you nothing?" ~ Seti

"Tell me this, Moses, why is it every time you start something, I'm the one who ends up in trouble?" ~ Rameses

"Pharoah has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharoah can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you. Your faith." ~ Moses

Back in 1998, Dreamworks Studios gave Disney a run for their money in the animation department with a different take on the familiar Exodus story in The Prince Of Egypt, telling the story of Moses rising up to lead his people from bondage. The film was done in the traditional style, enhanced by computer effects, and directed by a team: Brenda Chapman, Steve Hickner, and Simon Wells. True to most animated films, it was done as a musical, with songs by Stephen Schwartz, and a music score by the prolific Hans Zimmer. It featured an all star cast of A-list talent (with professional singers backstopping some of them).

The film follows the life of Moses, born at a time when Hebrew children are being killed at the orders of the Pharoah Seti (Patrick Stewart). The infant's life is spared as his mother gives his fate to God, and the baby is found in the Nile by the Pharoah's wife, Queen Tuya (Helen Mirren) and taken into their household. Years later, the baby has grown up to become Prince Moses (Val Kilmer), brother to the heir Rameses (Ralph Fiennes). The two brothers have a friendly rivalry, get into trouble on frequent occasions, and are cared for by their parents. Moses is something more of an instigator; not having to inherit the throne means he can be more carefree and find mischief, particularly at the expense of two of the Pharoah's court advisors (Steve Martin and Martin Short).

All is not well, however. A chance encounter leads Moses to learn the truth that he is the son of slaves, and circumstance drives him away from Egypt when a man dies at his hands. He finds a new life in the wilds, marrying into a nomadic family and finding happiness with Tzipporah (Michelle Pfeiffer). As time goes on, Moses finds himself confronting the god of his people, who has a purpose for him.

This is a very different take on the story than The Ten Commandments. As an animated film, it operates under different rules, and indeed, for a different audience. I don't think Cecil B. DeMille would have gone for a musical, and personally for the most part, the musical side of things I could have lived without. Most of the songs contained through the film could have been left aside (sorry, Mr. Schwartz), though a couple of them work very well, such as When You Believe, which accompanies the Exodus sequence. That said, however, the songs aren't gratingly annoying in the way that I found almost all of the songs in The Lion King (fans of Elton John may have me burned in effigy at their pleasure). Zimmer's score, on the other hand, is powerful and just right as it's needed, whether it accompanies a chariot race or follows the climactic sequence in the Red Sea.

The animation style fits the subject well. The characters look Egyptian or Hebrew (as opposed to other previous versions of the story where very white actors take on the parts). The characters have a bit of an angular, impressionist style in their appearance- Aaron, for example, as voiced by Jeff Goldblum, has a very animation style look, whereas Seti's appearance reminds us very much of the actor voicing him, Patrick Stewart. More importantly, the animators really convey the personalities of the characters, both in expressions and in attention to detail and body language. The animation extends to matters of place and clothing, conveying the sense of ancient Egypt, the lowly homes of slaves, and the wilds of the desert well. The advantage of more modern techniques, enhanced by computer, gives the viewer sequences that pay off better than the limitations of DeMille's time, but those techniques rightfully are only meant to aid the animation process, not supplant it. The burning bush, the parting of the Red Sea, and the final plague each have a very dramatic quality that uses current techniques to their full capabilities, and give the film a breathtaking kind of quality.

The screenplay is by Nicholas Meyer and Philip LaZebnik. Meyer, it turns out, had a hand in directing and writing two of the Star Trek films. Their screenplay works on multiple levels, a good thing in animation. While there's enough there to entertain children- though the theme is perhaps more mature than other animation- there's a lot in this story that adults will get that would just pass by children. The writers give the story just a hint of humour here and there to lighten up the mood- Moses falling into the well, for instance, or a mishap that results in major damage to a very large tribute to Seti. Largely, though, they deal with themes of freedom, family, ambition, faith, and fate as the story goes along. They weave in different takes on some of the character dynamics as well- Moses and Tzipporah start out in more of an antagonistic way, for instance, and Aaron is disbelieving and initially hostile to the presence of his brother when Moses returns from the desert. Perhaps the best of these different takes, and the real foundation of the film, is the relationship between Moses and Rameses. In earlier versions, the two are firm rivals, at odds with each other even before the truth is revealed. In this version the two brothers genuinely like each other and get along well. It makes it all the more painful when they find themselves on opposing sides- Rameses at one point asks in a mournful way why things between them can't be as it was.

The voice work by the actors brings the characters to life. Ofra Haza plays the biological mother of Moses early in the film, voicing and singing the character as she gives up her son to the uncertainty of the river. Patrick Stewart and Helen Mirren as the parents who take him in and make him a prince are well cast. Stewart's voice brings authority to the role of Seti, a man trying to rule his kingdom and thinking of what's to come for his people after he is gone. He does terrible things, and dismisses those terrible things by saying, "they were only slaves", but at the same time, the man is considerate and thoughtful. Mirren voices his wife as the only mother Moses has known, fiercely loving of both of her sons. Danny Glover turns up briefly as Jethro, voicing the role of Moses' father in law somewhat more for laughs than you might expect. Steve Martin and Martin Short, who have worked together before, voice the two courtiers as conniving weasels and disapproving irritants. They're both comic relief, which is to be expected given that's the strong trait of both actors. Jeff Goldblum gives Aaron an interesting turn, not as the stoic figure we might expect, but one who's deeply distrustful of his brother and seemingly resigned to his place in life. He needs to move past that, and in time does. Their sister Miriam is voiced as an adult by Sandra Bullock, after a brief appearance voiced by another actress, Eden Riegel, as a child, and sung by Sally Dworsky. Her take on the character is that of a strong, opinionated person with a basic faith that her people will be led out of bondage. The dynamics Moses has with these two birth siblings is as different as those with his adoptive family, but still critical in what drives him forward.

Michelle Pfeiffer voices Tzipporah, and sings the role as well (anyone who's ever seen her in The Fabulous Baker Boys knows she can sing). The character has a modern sensibility to her. She can take care of herself, is resourceful and aggressive when she needs to be. She doesn't back down, can be stubborn, and is sure of herself. Pfeiffer conveys all of these qualities in her vocal performance. Sure, she and Moses seem to fall in love thanks to a montage in a song (curses to the person who first came up with the idea of musicals, by the way), but the relationship feels grounded. Ralph Fiennes has played the villain on more than one occasion, and yet his Rameses is sympathetic. There is a proud arrogance in him, a dark streak at times, and at the same time, there's the side of him that deeply misses his brother. It gives him depth, and makes him a character we can relate to. Kilmer's take on Moses is also interesting. Freed from the unenviable fate of ruling Egypt as a young man, he's carefree and full of mischief, a refreshing take on the character. As the story moves along, Kilmer's voice takes the character from shock over the truth about himself, to personal doubt, to strength of will, never losing track of the humanity of the man.

The Prince Of Egypt is an interesting counterbalance to The Ten Commandments. It mostly takes itself seriously, given the seriousness of the subject matter. It grounds itself in a story of brothers torn apart, of the meaning of freedom, and uses animation to depict an epic, familiar story in a new way. Despite the presence of most of the songs (have I mentioned I don't like musicals?), the movie works very well indeed.

40 000 Sobbing Dittoheads

Some links to see to before we get ourselves underway. The Checkerboard Aussies have eight pups among their number. The Real Maple Syrup Mob post about sisters saying the weirdest things. Audrey the Majestic Feline figures into this blog. And yesterday was a Square Dog Friday, so go say hello to Hamish and Watson. Now then, a few days ago I posted this bit of nonsense. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out, because this might get confusing.

Thousands Of Limbaugh Fans Left Bloodied And Crying After Picking Fight With Cranky Mountie

Calgary (CP) The trail of wreckage extends from Alberta's Rocky Mountains across the border into the United States. It is not the act of a tornado, but the result of an overblown radio political pundit spectacularly underestimating how dangerous one man can be. Last week, Rush Limbaugh, consistent winner of the Biggest Waste Of Oxygen On Radio Award for the last ten years running, urged his listeners to march into Canada to pick a fight with legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich. The notion did not go well.

Hordes of Limbaugh's fans, sometimes called dittoheads, poured across the border, bound for the detachment in the Alberta foothills where the Inspector is stationed. One by one, or in groups, they found the Inspector on duty. Some challenged him to a fight. Others simply struck first without saying a word. Each in turn got their butts kicked by the man who has repeatedly saved the world, and who is widely considered by many to be the most dangerous man alive, particularly when it comes to entertainment reporters.

"For the first few brawls, the Inspector thought this was little more than an odd prank," RCMP Constable Megan Borden told reporters from Calgary. "They barged into his detachment, started a fight, and he ended it in the way he usually does. The individuals in question were taken to the hospital in a variety of conditions, depending on how much they had annoyed the Inspector, and then charged with assault and weapons charges for bringing guns across the border. After a great number of these instances, the Inspector questioned one of his beaten assailants, and learned that Mr. Limbaugh had urged his followers to cross the border and pick fights with him. It seems Mr. Limbaugh believes the Inspector to be a communist. It is the opinion of the RCMP that Mr. Limbaugh is a complete bloody idiot."

Armed with the knowledge that there was a reason he was getting into many more fights than usual, the Inspector set out for the nearest border crossing. Reporters have learned that he was brawling with groups of angry dittoheads along the way, all of them out to get him, all of them failing spectacularly to slow him down. Other Mounties arrested the fallen dittoheads in the Inspector's wake, taking some to hospitals for medical care. The dittoheads protested the notion of being in what they called a "communist-fascist" health care system even while receiving excellent medical care from highly qualified doctors and nurses who were more polite than they had to be. Borden, in relating to reporters this particular detail, rolled her eyes, commenting, "no one has ever accused the average Rush Limbaugh fan of being able to figure out what time of day it is, let alone process complicated differences in extreme political views."

It was at this point, merely six hours after Ulrich left his detachment and kept getting into fights with dittoheads on the road, that some of the dittoheads started fleeing back for the border. They saw the ferocity of an angry Mountie, engaging over twenty of their number at a time, breaking bones, kicking butt, and taking names. As stupid as they could be, these dittoheads recognized trouble when they saw it. The trickle of retreating dittoheads became a flood as some told their fellow dittoheads of the terror behind them. "It was like looking at the face of death," Randall Kelly, 48, a devoted dittohead from Kansas told reporters after reaching the other side of the border. "I ain't never seen nothing that scary. I figured if I stayed, I'd end up broken and bloody and in one of those godless Canadian hospitals where Saint Rush tells us they'll kill you on the hospital table even if you just came in with a hangnail. Uh uh, no sir, not for me. So I turned tail and I skedaddled."

Ulrich didn't stop at the border in his pursuit of the hordes of dittoheads. He crossed right through. A spokesperson for the State Department spoke to reporters in Washington. "We sent out orders to our people at the border to just let him through," Nicole Beckett explained. "First of all, the Inspector's saved the world on more than one occasion. Second, the people he was chasing started the whole thing, and frankly, the President believes they had it coming."

The terror of the dittoheads went viral. Limbaugh, who had been perched in a radio station in Great Falls, Montana, directing the movements of his legions of dittoheads north, got word that things had gone drastically wrong. He was broadcasting a panicked rallying cry for reinforcements, mixed in with his usual condemnations of the President, Hilary Clinton, Sesame Street, liberals, and anyone who doesn't follow his orders. Witnesses to what happened next told reporters they thought Limbaugh assumed he could rally his followers to take a stand and drive back the force of nature that was the cranky Mountie.

Instead the cranky Mountie plowed through the lines of dittoheads, sending them fleeing in horror. Learning the location of Limbaugh, Ulrich barged into the radio station, and found the pundit in the booth. For a moment, Limbaugh's listeners heard complete silence over the airwaves. Then it was followed by the meekest tone they had ever heard coming from their hero. "Um, you wouldn't hurt a Metallica fan, would you?" Limbaugh asked.

That was the last straw for the Inspector, who gave Limbaugh the beatdown that he had coming thirty years ago. The pundit was taken out of the radio station on a stretcher for medical care, babbling about seeing the moose. Doctors say they believe he'll be eating meals from a straw for the next six months. Having had found and demolished the leader of the dittoheads, Ulrich returned home. No reporter dared to cross his path. Border officials simply let him back through into the Great White North, and he returned home, cranky but satisfied that the incursion was finished.

In the wake of the incident, numbers are still being tallied. On either side of the border, beaten and bloodied dittoheads have been in the hospital, numbering over twenty nine thousand. Most of them on the Canadian side of the border are facing serious criminal charges. Officials further estimate that eleven thousand more managed to flee without incident, though deeply traumatized and shaken by fear, often seen to be weeping uncontrollably. "I don't know what I was thinking," Mr Kelly admitted to reporters, shaking back and forth. "It don't matter how long I'll live.... that scene of carnage, that angry Mountie... it's going to haunt my nightmares the rest of my life."

The President had the last word as he spoke to reporters in the White House. "Look, anyone of reasonable intelligence knows you don't bother Lars Ulrich. You treat him with respect, because the guy's saved the world and he's a pretty dangerous guy when he wants to be. Beating up nearly thirty thousand people over four days is pretty much proof of that. The fact of the matter is that Rush Limbaugh is not a person of reasonable intelligence." The President paused, then smiled. "And since he'll be spending the next six months or so in traction, that means he's off the air. I'd say that's a win-win for us."

Gone With The Explosions

Film Fans Outraged By Hack Director's Intention To Remake Classic; Director Promises Explosions

Los Angeles (AP) Director Michael Bay, whose films have deafened an entire generation of filmgoers with their endless explosions and hyped up sound, has announced that he'll be remaking Gone With The Wind, the classic film starring Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable. Bay, who's not known for filmwork that requires thought, is an unlikely choice for a film many feel should never be remade. He stepped out onto a stage before reporters in Hollywood yesterday, beaming his usual half witted grin as he strode to the podium. "Thank you!" he exclaimed, briefly checking his face in a pocket mirror. "The rumours are true. 2016 is going to see a brand new Gone With The Wind, filmed by me. And it's going to leave that piece of crap that Fleming guy directed behind in the dust, I promise you. This is the film that's going to win me the Oscar. The prize I've deserved for so long. This is the film I'm going to be remembered for."

Reporters were stunned. "Mr. Bay," one spoke up. "What do you say to the notion that some films should not be remade? And in fact, given the racial biases and unapologetic defense of the Old South of the source novel, not remaking it would be a wise thing?"

Bay shrugged. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. I was too busy envisioning myself giving my acceptance speech for Best Director."

"Mr. Bay," another reporter pressed. "I think it's safe to say that I speak for everyone here when I suggest that you're the wrong director for such a film, if it were to even go forward."

Bay laughed that off. "Come on! I'm perfect for this film. Guys like Scorsese and Nolan and Spielberg look at me and they wish they were a tenth as talented as me. Look, we've got ourselves a script in development, and even though it's set back in that whole Civil War thing... I'll have to look into the details of that, I mean, I wasn't really paying attention in high school history. We beat the Australians in that, right? Right? Even though that's the case, we're gonna have to modernize some things. I mean, this isn't exactly 1939, so we can go a lot further with what we do on screen. And that's exactly what we're gonna do. We're gonna have a Rhett and Scarlett honeymoon sequence that's gonna be even hotter than Basic Instinct. And I've already lined up my lead actors who'll carry it out."

Out came occasional Bay film cast members Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. Reporters gasped in horror. "You have got to be joking!" another reporter protested.

"What?" Bay asked, oblivious to the desecration to movie history. "Shia was born to play Rhett Butler. And Megan's got all the right attitude that Scarlett O'Hara will ever need. So they're my go to lead actors, playing the best couple of all time. They've got the acting chops to put Vivien Leigh's ghost and Clark Gable's bones to shame."

"Are you a complete idiot?" this reporter demanded. 

Bay laughed. "Oh, that's funny! I know you didn't mean that, because everyone loves the work I do. But seriously, we're going ahead even without the blessing of the only surviving member of the original cast. I tried to get Olivia De Havilland to come do a cameo in the new film, but she seemed deeply unimpressed with me for some reason that I don't understand. That, and she told me to go **** myself."

"I'm just glad to be working again," LaBeouf told reporters. "Lately directors haven't been returning my calls.  I tried to convince Lucas and Spielberg to give me a whole new film of my own playing Indiana Jones' son again, but they muttered something about wishing they could go back in time and recast him. I don't know why..."

"It doesn't matter!" Bay proclaimed. "We're also looking at Channing Tatum to play Ashley, because I think it's pretty well established that he's got a lot of gravity as an actor, and he's just right for the role. And while I'm at it, I'm casting one of the Olsen twins as Melanie. And Tyler Perry asked to play Mammy. Well, he already plays cranky women to begin with in all those crossdressing films he does, so it's perfect for him. The question is, will he be nominated for best supporting actor or actress? And of course, for the pivotal role of Scarlett's father, I'm casting Nicolas Cage."

Cage stepped out onto the stage, joining Bay, Fox, and LaBeouf. He was grinning in a way that suggested he wasn't playing with a full deck. "Hello, Hollywood! It's great to be back! I've still got a lot of money to pay back off on my debts, but Michael's promised this is going to be the big payday that'll settle all that. Then I can go back to spending money like a drunken sailor again."

"I've got other roles to cast, of course," Bay declared. "I'm trying to get Steve Buscemi in here to play General Sherman. I mean, can you see him playing the General? I sure can. And it's going to be big. I mean, bigger than the original film. Longer, too, because we've got to add in as many explosions as possible. Explosions after explosions after explosions."

"Why are you doing this?" a reporter asked. "You're desecrating film history. You're making a film no one asked you to remake."

Bay laughed again. "Oh, that's nonsense. Like I said, this is going to be bigger. We're not just going to burn down Atlanta. We're gonna blow it up. Big time. Sky high with all the trimmings in 3D. It's an explosion that's going to take up an hour all by itself in running time. Every single possible angle you can think of. Wouldn't that be spectacular to see on the big screen?"

"Michael's promised I'll get an Academy Award for Best Actress out of this one," Fox said.

"And so you will, Megan," Bay boasted. "Just as you were always meant to. We're going to be out there in theatres in 2016 with this new film, and it'll be the most acclaimed film ever. It is going to be legendary. Just legendary, in case you didn't hear me the first time I said it. And when we've swept the Oscars for every single prize we're nominated for, I'll be up there taking my bows as the greatest director of all time. Now, if you'll excuse me, big things to do. Movie to direct, plantation manor to blow sky high, and before I get started on any of that, my beard stubble needs a trim. It takes hard work to look this good, you know."

With that, he left, followed by the others. Reporters were left to speak among themselves about what they had witnessed. We agreed that not only was Bay an obnoxious oaf and hack, he had crossed the line into full blown insanity. For him, it must have been a short trip.

Death And Other Tragedies

Some links to see to first off before we get started. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday, so Norma posted a short piece from one of her old books. In addition, at our joint blog, we had a Snippet set up. 

In the past I have posted eulogies gone awry for mock funerals. You can find them here, here, and here. While you're at it, check out Rowan Atkinson giving a eulogy. It seemed about time to mess around with the funeral tradition once again. 

"Thank you, Reverend Mitchell, for that stirring introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, for those who don't know me, I was Richard's friend from our days in university. It might seem strange that someone who hasn't seen that much of him in twenty years would be asked to give a eulogy, but then again, most of his friends and family are suspects in his unfortunate passing, and as I understand it have been advised by their lawyers not to say a word to anyone about anything. And so it falls to me to bid him farewell.

Richard was the sort of guy who liked being the center of attention. He was the captain of the rugby team, and that got him a lot of attention from the ladies. He always had four or five of them in his life at any given time. Not that they knew anything about each other. I see four of them here today, as a matter of fact. Alicia, did you know Richard was fooling around with Rebecca, Morgan, and Elizabeth while you two were dating? Oh, by the look on your face, I can see you didn't. Maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud. Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. Richard had a healthy appetite for the company of women. He kept that up for years on end all through university. It amazed some of us that he'd be in shape for a game the next day after being up all night banging girls in rapid succession. Oh, I see by Reverend Mitchell's expression that I ought to be careful what I say. My apologies, Reverend... I forgot I was in a church for a moment.

As I understand it, from our occasional chats, Richard never really got past that habit of seeing other women on the side. I know this would come as a great shock to his lovely wife Portia, or to his other lovely wife Alexandra, both of whom I see in attendance here today. Ladies, it must have been a shock to you to find out he was a bigamist after he passed. I don't know how you'll sort out the life insurance thing between you. I suppose it depends on if either of you get charged with first degree murder. 

Well, ladies, I'd like to apologize to both of you. You see, I was aware that Richard had gotten himself into that state of bigamy. I suppose I could have tried to reason with him. I suppose I could have reminded him that he was playing with the lives and emotions of two women who loved him. But I just felt that, well, Richard was the sort of man who'd go off and do what he wanted anyway. He tended to let a part of his anatomy that wasn't his brain do all the thinking, if you know what I mean. Which explains how he always had at least a half dozen mistresses on the side. Some of whom I see here today. Hello, ladies.

We can't really blame Richard for that, can we? After all, he was blessed with good looks that the women found so appealing. Until the last moment of his life when one of the many bullets that riddled his body damaged his face. Yes, Richard went through life with all the luck with the ladies. Unlike his brother Tom, who ended up with the sort of face that makes you think he was hit by an ugly stick. It didn't help that Tom was a sullen drunkard with a bitter streak a mile wide... oh, hello, Tom! Tell us, did your bitterness perhaps lead you to want your more successful and luckier with the ladies brother dead? Because if so, I'm sure the detectives from Scotland Yard would love to have a word with you.

Richard had his friends. And he had his enemies. You know, when he was a boy, he told on a boy who'd shoplifted a candy bar. Mick was his name, Mick Albertson. On the street they called Mick by the name Mugsy. Probably because he was a mugger, a leg breaker, the sort of hired muscle you'd enlist to help you settle a score. It seems Mugsy's whole life went downhill from that incident being ratted out for shoplifting. One criminal charge after another, until finally he was doing ten years for armed robbery. He got out two weeks ago, and according to the police, well, Mugsy blamed the whole state of his life on that rotten Richard Covington when he got out, and swore that Richard would get what was coming to him. In retrospect, that seems ominous, doesn't it?

There were others who didn't much care for Richard. I remember him once remarking to me about his idiot brother-in-law George. He told me that George was the sort of person you'd move out of the country to never see again. An entirely unpleasant, rotten to the core, buffoonish dolt with an appalling lack of intellect. Obviously they didn't get along. Oh, don't look at me like that, George. Everyone knows you're the stupidest person in this sanctuary. Even the minister is nodding, you halfwitted moronic git. So was it you, George? Are you the one who got pushed over the line because you knew he was smarter?

Or was it someone else? Richard went to work as an investment banker. And he was good at what he did. At least that's what we all thought. It's only come out in the last few days that he managed to defraud and rob scores of investors of millions. They trusted him. They believed he was taking care of their money. And he was. He was helping himself to it. Squirreling it away God knows where. I know if I lost my life savings to an investment banker, I'd be ready to pick up a gun or a knife and finish him off.

I suppose there's a benefit to not being in touch with Richard that much in the years since. At least I was wise enough not to invest my earnings with him. That means unlike the people who are only now realizing how much money they've lost, my retirement someday is comfortably taken care of. Those of you who were closer to him, well, you trusted him and he let you down. You couldn't have known he was pulling a Madoff and making off with over a hundred million pounds stirling of your money. And it wouldn't have been that hard for one of you to decide to get a little revenge, isn't it? You must have thought he more than had it coming. Maybe he did.

Well, I don't envy the police on this. They have more than enough suspects. Could it be the bitter and resentful relatives? The friends and clients he screwed out of their money? One of his many mistresses? Or the two women he promised to love, cherish, and honour... never letting either of them know that he was married to someone else? It's a riddle, wrapped inside a puzzle, and packed with an enigma.

At least the police and I know that I've got a rock solid alibi for the time Richard got riddled with forty seven bullets. I was in Australia, getting a full body massage from a really hot Swedish masseuse named Asta. So to those of you still on the suspect list, I can only say, nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

The High Price Of Freedom

I'm doing a movie review today, but I'd like to also point out Norma's review of this one for your consideration. Now then, shall we get to it?

"Can anyone direct me to the Smithsonian? I'm looking for an old fossil." ~ Natasha Romanoff

"This isn't freedom. This is fear." ~ Steve Rogers

"This is the age of miracles... and there's nothing more horrible than a miracle." ~ Baron Wolfgang von Strucker

The Sentinel of Liberty returns in a current day sequel to Captain America: The First Avenger in a film that wrestles with the question: is security worth the cost to freedom? The question looms large over a film that plays more like a political thriller than a superhero adaptation. Captain America: The Winter Soldier owes much to the work of comics writer Ed Brubaker, who in the last few years established arguably the definitive run on the character and the world he inhabits, by daring to do what was unthinkable and bring back a character long thought dead- and succeeding wildly. The film itself deals with themes like power, responsibility, and the infiltration and corruption of an agency meant to do good but turned on itself.

The film opens in a quiet way with Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) meeting Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie), a meeting that quickly establishes a rapport between them that'll pay off later. He joins his fellow Avenger Natasha Romanoff, aka the Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), in a S.H.I.E.L.D. operation to rescue agents being held hostage in the Indian Ocean, and out of that mission, he finds himself asking troubling questions about his purpose. Coming from a past where the difference between right and wrong was very clear, Steve finds himself in a present day where the lines are not so clear.

Director Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and S.H.I.E.L.D. are working on a new generation of helicarriers with new capabilities, including taking out threats before they become a problem. Steve is disturbed by the notion of preemptive strikes, Fury argues that his agency must work with the world as it is instead of an ideal world. We meet an old friend of Fury, Alexander Pierce (Robert Redford), a political leader, member of the council overseeing the agency, and one of the founders of S.H.I.E.L.D. And into the mix of all of this comes a violent force of nature and a mystery man, the Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan). He's a relentless masked assassin with a robotic arm, extraordinary resilience, and a skill for killing people. Soon Cap finds himself on the run, marked as a fugitive by his own people, uncertain who to trust.

The film is directed by two brothers, Anthony and Joe Russo, who have a background mostly in television comedy. This comes across as a surprise, because you wouldn't know that in how skillfully they orchestrate action sequences. They employ the sort of touches you might expect in one of the Jason Bourne films, both in terms of fight sequences and chase sequences. They also keep the story moving along at a brisk pace, driving up the tension along the way. We can keep track of what's going on while it's going on- a vital element in a film like this. The directors and their camera and editing crews give us just the right amount of distance in an action sequence that we don't get lost. At the same time, they know when to give the audience a breather.

The story comes to us from screenwriters Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely. A look at their credits reveals much; they already have experience in the Marvel cinematic universe, with the previous The First Avenger, as well as the recent Thor: The Dark World. In addition, however, they also took part in writing the screenplays for the three Chronicles of Narnia films of recent years. The story they tell here is a conspiracy tale, of an agency corrupted from within by an old enemy. It's true to the history of Captain America in the comics too; there have been occasions when the character has been disillusioned by the direction of his government, exiled from America, or turned into persona non grata. Those qualities are on display in the story, which is dark and troubling at times. They deal with the struggle between security and order on the one hand, and the price to liberty on the other. I found myself thinking at times that a certain former Vice President (coughDickCheneycough) would look at the rationale behind the dark plans of the antagonists the writers give us, and say, "you know, that would have been a great idea."

They strongly emphasize character, and use dialogue to reinforce that. This is best shown in the dynamics between Cap, the Widow, and Sam Wilson, who steps into action as the Falcon. There is respect between all three, a fundamental trust. It's there right off the bat with Sam for Steve, but with Natasha, it's a bit harder to come by; she's more pragmatic about the sort of things that need to be done, even if that's a gray area. The trio have good banter with each other, and that starts off with the writers. Even in small details, the writers pepper the story with revealing moments. There are nods to other elements of the Marvel cinematic universe, such as verbal or visual mentions of Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Thor, Hawkeye- and one yet to come in a blink and you'll miss hearing it name, not to mention two other coming attractions, so to speak.  

The film was shot both on stage and on location in Cleveland and in Washington. The crew outdid themselves in their work, including rigging complicated and intricate action sequences, as well as the required special effects, only used sparingly and when needed. The world of S.H.I.E.L.D. is explored more in depth, including their headquarters, which looks ultramodern and has secrets of its own. Even more effective, strangely, is a throwback bunker with old, old technology and a hidden, malevolent presence, rendered well by the crew. Aside from the previously established characters, two new characters owe a good deal to the costuming and technical side of things. The Winter Soldier's look is very much based on the comics design, and the costuming team render it well in how they made the actor look. The Falcon's somewhat different from the comics counterpart; his flight suit is more tech-armour than what the comics version is, but it works wonderfully, and feels quite real world as he soars through the air and into battle. The designers did terrific work in how they worked out the Falcon's look. 

The cast suits the film ideally, and I'll start with smaller roles. Georges St. Pierre is one of those mixed martial arts types- I don't understand the appeal of that sport- and is cast in a cameo role as Batroc, a mercenary who appears early on leading the hostage taking. The character has a long history as an adversary to Cap, and it was a nice touch to have him in the film, with the potential to bring him back in the future. Even without the mask and costume of the comics version- which probably wouldn't work in film- the essence of the character comes across on screen. St. Pierre has merely to play him as the supremely dangerous fighter through his time on screen. Another actor who plays an adversary is Frank Grillo. When we first meet him, he's an agent, but his true loyalties will soon be revealed, and for a comics reader, hearing his mere name is enough to mark him as a villain. His character manages to carry on through the film, and he plays the role with a tenacity and ruthlessness- suiting the man as he should be. There's a brief cameo appearance in the credits- stay for both scenes by the way- by the great character actor Thomas Kretschmann, playing the villainous Baron von Strucker, a formidable adversary with a lot of bad history with Cap. In just a minute's time, Kretschmann conveys the arrogance and menace of an utterly ruthless and sadistic man. Emily VanCamp turns up here and there as a neighbour of Steve, actually an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. named Sharon, another character comics fans will know well. And there's a cameo from the first film in the form of Hayley Atwell, who played Peggy Carter, Steve's love interest. We see her both young and old, and the conversation between the two characters has heartbreaking poignancy.

There's another holdover from the first film, though he doesn't look like we last saw him. Arnim Zola (Toby Jones), the HYDRA scientist, has cheated death in a manner of speaking, and we hear the voice and feel his presence. His new form of existence is one that comes across as bone chilling as the audience begins to understand his capabilities. And from The Avengers, Cobie Smulders reprises her role as agent Maria Hill, one of the few people Nick Fury knows he can trust. She gets a good deal to do this time out, particularly as the film heads towards a climax. She plays the role as a woman who's professional and dedicated to her work... with just a hint of a sense of humour. 

The main characters inhabit their roles as we can expect them. Redford might well have been perfect for the lead role in his youth. Here he must play a complicated role, with a poker face at first. It's a character with history and hidden depth, and his own driving forces; beyond that, I can say nothing other than he plays the part well, and is compelling to watch. Jackson gets a great deal to do this time out, perhaps even more so than in The Avengers. He struggles with the ethical consequences of his actions versus the responsibilities to society. He comes across as highly resourceful on more than one occasion- particularly when he personally comes under attack by gunmen posing as police officers. And there's a profound grumpiness to the character that fits who Fury is. The antagonist- if you want to call him that- carries some surprises with him. Sebastian Stan plays the tragic Winter Soldier, a man of great skills and few words. We've seen him before, of course, but he's much changed since last he appeared in the Marvel cinematic universe. Through much of the film, there's a profound relentlessness to the character, the sort of fellow who, in short, is a very dangerous man. But as the audience starts to learn more about him, we see he's been used and abused in the worst of ways, brainwashed into a killing machine. He earns our empathy and compassion, and Stan conveys that sense of tragedy in the film's final act.

The three lead protagonists play their roles very well indeed. Anthony Mackie's appeared in other work that I've liked, including The Adjustment Bureau and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. We get to like him pretty much right off the bat as Sam Wilson in how he relates to Cap, and the writers wisely keep us from knowing that he already has experience in flight from his military days with a flight suit that's rather unusual. It's a different take on the character from the comics, but Mackie gets Sam's personality just right. He's courageous, loyal, and daring, and the directors chose well in casting him. The film could have easily been called Captain America & The Black Widow, because Evans and Johansson are together through most of the film. Johansson plays Natasha as the thoroughly dangerous woman she is, and this is her third go at the character. She's pragmatic enough to know that some things have to be done for the greater good, and has elements of her past she'd prefer to keep buried, and yet is willing to turn rogue because it's the right thing to do. Johansson gives the character the ingenuity, intelligence, and ability to improvise that we'd expect from her, and there's strength in her performance- as well as a dash of humour. This is also Evan's third time in his role, and he's the bedrock of the film. His Captain America is a man out of time, trying to get used to the modern world. He's also a man of fierce principle and integrity, not knowing who to trust in a world that's gone morally gray. Beyond that, however, is a man who's a natural leader, decisive and determined. And on top of that is the sort of guy whose sense of personal decency allows him to feel empathy for a friend turned enemy. 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier turns the entire Marvel cinematic universe upside down. It's a gritty political action thriller and conspiracy film that deals with betrayal and the clash of security versus liberty. The film is a rousing, dark one, and a splendid addition to the franchise. 

That Lost Art Of Diplomacy

World Strives To Avert Crisis In Ukraine; Wingnut Blowhard Urges War On Canadian Mountie

London (Reuters) As the diplomatic community continues to deal with the ongoing Crimean crisis and the movements of Russian President Vladimir Putin to annex the peninsula and his intentions towards the Ukraine, unorthodox methods have been considered through the United Nations as a whole, and various world powers. American Secretary of State Kerry remains in high level negotiations with his counterpart, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, to resolve the situation. Nations throughout Eastern Europe, once part of the Soviet sphere of influence, worry about what Putin may have in mind for their lands. Western leaders are anxious about the possibilities that Putin might cut off oil and natural gas to their nations if they press him too hard. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper remains hellbent on playing the part of the cold warrior, demanding that President Putin build up a wall just so he can tell him to tear down this wall. 

Experts suggest that the invasion of Crimea and the ongoing unrest in Ukraine have been Putin's form of overcompensation. After the closing ceremonies at the Sochi Winter Olympics, in which Putin's bid for world domination was brought to a halt by legendary RCMP inspector Lars Ulrich- to the point where Putin was personally humiliated in front of the world by losing control of his bladder- sources say he was so furious at the humiliation that he sought to gain back his position in a big way through a military operation. "It's the thing with Russian leaders," retired British diplomat Sir Geoffrey St. John-Marlborough noted. "They wish to be respected and feared. Emphasis on feared. Vladimir Putin is no different."

The suggestion has been made in some quarters to send in the proverbial cavalry, the one man who can reduce Vladimir Putin to tears: Inspector Ulrich. "He has broken Putin's spirit with one glare," Ursula Kletchko, president of the Ukraine-American Association remarked. "Think of what he can do if we let him skydive into the Kremlin, kick butt, and take some names. I suspect Putin would exile himself to a Siberian gulag just to get away from him."

Penelope Rhys-Hughes, a professor of diplomatic history at Oxford, respectfully disagrees with the suggestion of sending in the Inspector. "We could keep that in mind as a contingency, but at this point, it's better to just allow diplomacy to run its course. Besides, I believe that if Lars Ulrich were to parachute into the Kremlin, beat up Vladimir Putin, and drive him into exile... the Russian people might ask him to take on the job, and we'd end up with a Tsar Lars the First."

Right wing blowhard Rush Limbaugh snorted in derision at the idea of the Mountie being sent into Russia on his radio talk show. "My friends, this is just typical of those godless commie socialist liberal liars. Instead of having the guts to stand up to a guy who's only doing what he thinks is right- and that's what Putin's doing, by the way- they entertain the notion of having an even more commie foreigner go after Putin. And he is a commie. Because this ***** Mountie wears red, and as I've always told you, red is the colour of a commie, the sort of person our beloved Saint Ronald Reagan spent his life fighting. Well, his life after Hollywood. How dare these people suggest we trust a commie socialist Canadian with such a job? Well, I've had it! You hear me out there, dittoheads? I've had it with this whole notion of glorifying this Communist menace in a uniform. So I want every single one of you to cross that Canadian border, find that ******* Lars Ulrich and kick his ass! I'll be right behind you, just as soon as I find my heart medication. I might've mixed it in with my Viagra and the uppers and downers... did I say that out loud?"

Conservative mouthpiece and dominatrix Ann Coulter had her own take on the matter in remarks to the press. "We have ways of keeping this Ulrich occupied so we can continue our primary mission of destroying the President's reputation and poisoning the political atmosphere in the country for decades to come... wait, did I say that out loud?" She paused and composed herself. "It's very simple. As long as Vladimir behaves himself over there and lets us go about our business destroying our President, we don't care about Crimea. At least until we can get a Republican back in the White House, undermine civil rights for eight years, and go to war for no reason. Did I mention we love war? So even if it takes my bedding down with the enemy, I'm perfectly willing to seduce Lars Ulrich to keep him distracted. I mean, have you looked at the guy? I wouldn't kick him out of bed for singing O Canada."

Inspector Ulrich was found at his detachment in Alberta, throttling a Metallica groupie who mistook him for the drummer. When reporters assured him that they knew he was not a heavy metal drummer, and informed him what Coulter proposed, he rolled his eyes and said in a terse way, "Not if she was the last human being on the planet."

The British have been heavily involved in the diplomatic process as well, with mixed results. Their Secretary of State was in Moscow this week for meetings with Lavrov and Putin. Putin stormed out of the talks, furious. "We will not be disrespected in such a way by the British!" he shouted to reporters in Russian as he strode past them at the Kremlin. "A minister who cannot be understood is no sign of respect at all!"

Secretary Beaker emerged from the room to find the press waiting for him. The Muppet with the red hair and crazy look in his eyes stared at everyone, and summed it all up in a few words. "Meep! Meep meep meep meep! Meep meep!"