My Fellow Americans, You Betcha!

Some links before getting started. Norma wrote about drive in theatres. Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday. Shelly had an extension on her online novel. Lynn had a Pop Culture Frenzy post. Ivy had a Friday Question.

Today I have something entirely different. Dick Cheney might want to have me come over for a hunting weekend after this. And we all know how hunting weekends turn up at Chez Cheney.

Insane Candidates Join The Fray; Comedians Everywhere Rejoice

St. Louis (AP) A crowded Republican list of candidates for the 2016 Presidential election just got more crowded. With frontline candidates such as Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry, and a slew of fringe candidates that include the egomaniacal bankruptcy prone casino developer Donald Trump already announcing their run at the Oval Office or expected to announce soon, two other Tea Party favourites have announced their joint run at the Presidency in this Mid-Western city yesterday.

Tea Party faithful were gathered at the America’s Center complex, along with media and staffers for the announcement. A flurry of faded politicians, hard right commentators, and washed up musicians were in attendance. Donald Rumsfeld, Pat Buchanan, John Ashcroft, Karl Rove, Herman Cain, Ari Fleischer, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and the urn containing the ashes of the late and not lamented right wing blogger Andrew Breitbart were among the most notable. Rocker and deranged lunatic Ted Nugent and country singer Toby Keith provided the entertainment and made veiled threats about anyone prying their guns from their cold dead hands. Nugent went on to repeat his oft mentioned question about why he wasn’t dead or in jail all this time after the previous election, given his remarks about the President, and rambled on and on, leaving one to wonder if he was drunk.

Then it was time for the big announcement. That announcement, of course, would come after Limbaugh, Coulter, Rumsfeld, Cain, Gingrich, and forty seven people from the lives and backgrounds of the two candidates made rambling and glowing tributes to both of them. As to which of the two would be the actual candidate was another matter. Finally after Keith finished performing ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, And Blue’, the singer made the announcement the Tea Party faithful and the Fox News reporters had been dying to hear. Those of us who are actual reporters had been rolling our eyes for at least two hours, wondering why the Republican party couldn’t field candidates who weren’t clinically insane or viewing the world with a mindset sixty years behind the times.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Hard workin’ Americans!” Keith bellowed, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. “Here they are, your next President and Vice President... and they’ll explain how they’re going to get around that all by themselves, they’re going to take the country back and put the boot in the ass to all those liberal commie haters who can’t stand eatin’ good ol’ American style steak, ladies and gentlemen.... Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann!”

Palin and Bachmann came out on stage, flashing the same vacant, slightly demented smiles they’re known for, accompanied by husbands and children, all of whom stood behind them on the stage. “Hello, America!” Palin called out, waving.

“Thanks for coming to our coming out!” Bachmann added. “Not that kind of coming out, mind you, the good kind!”

“You betcha!” Palin said with a grin confirming she wasn’t playing with more than a pair of twos, a three of spades, a ten of clubs, and one jack. The rest of the proverbial deck of cards that constituted her brain was long gone. “Gosh, golly, there are a lot of candidates out there for the Republican nomination in 2016, but when it comes down to it, the only way we’re goin’ to get those Dumbocrats outta the White House and Congress and every state house is if the two of us lead the way!”

Bachmann nodded. “So we’re gonna be President and Vice President! Or Co-Presidents to be more exact. Palin and Bachmann! Bachmann and Palin!”

Palin smiled again. “And we’re a team! So we’re gonna do things as a team. For instance, one day I’ll be the one in the Oval Office makin’ the big decisions and the next day Michele’s gonna be President for the day, and so on and so on. Presidents in turn!”

Aside from Tea Party faithful and Fox reporters, who broke out into gleeful applause, real reporters rolled their eyes and groaned. Did neither of these halfwits understand the basic concepts of the Constitution and division of executive powers? A Reuters correspondent spoke up. “You do realize the Constitution might have something to say about that kind of arrangement.”

Palin shrugged. “The Constitution? Who cares about the Constitution?”

Bachmann nodded. “Yeah, we’re goin’ to have it burned after we impose martial law and name ourselves Presidents For Life anyway.”

Palin looked confused. “Did we just think that, or say that out loud?”

“I don’t know,” Bachmann replied. She laughed in her typically demented way. “Look, what’s important is takin’ this country back from those godless latte slurpin’ commie liberals gettin’ in our way. And we gotta set this country back to the way things oughtta be, isn’t that right, Rush?” Limbaugh nodded enthusiastically. “That means Republicans in charge of everything, opposition destroyed, liberals caged up in super prisons if they so much as look at us funny....”

“You do realize you just said that out loud, right?” this reporter called out.

Bachmann frowned. “What’s your name? You’re goin’ on the enemy list!”

Palin smiled, shrugged, and remarked, “what do you expect from the lamestream media? You know, you don’t like America, Mr. Fancy Pants Reporter, why don’t you go to Russia?  You can see it from my house, if you squint real hard. America’s ours, a God fearin’, butt kickin’, beer drinkin’ steak and eggs apple pie gosh golly country that’s the greatest country on Earth! Everybody else eats our dust!”

Bachmann carried on. “This is our vision for America: a country full of freedom and fire and brimstone preachin’ and Mom’s apple pie, and the right to bear arms bein’ the only part of the Constitution we’ll keep, and Ronald Reagan statues in every town, and marriage being only between a man and a woman, and sex only being after marriage for the purpose of havin’ babies, with all the lights turned off. And Alan Jackson and Toby Keith and Ted Nugent tourin’ the country performin’ and keepin’ the dream alive. And no more Obamacare and lots of tax cuts for our corporate buddies and beer all around. And the Dixie Chicks in a concentration camp for ever darin' to insult a Republican president, am I right, Toby?”

Toby Keith stood up and applauded. “You sure are! I hate those Dixie Chicks!”

Bachmann laughed. “And while we’re at it, we gotta bring the rest of the world to heel, right, Sarah?”

Palin nodded. “Absolutely. That means takin’ down that Putin guy once and for all, and droppin’ some nukes on South Korea, and while we’re at it, a few nukes all over the Middle East. Get rid of those Iraqi Anwar Sadat fans once and for all.” This reporter shook his head- did this woman even know when she was making factual errors?

Bachmann continued. “What the world needs to know is that we’re in charge. That means respectin’ us and doin’ what we say or pay the price.” The fact that she said that with her usual vacant smile made the expression all the more disturbing. “That also includes gettin’ even with that Mountie who came down here a few months ago and beat up a few thousand of Rush’s supporters.” Limbaugh was nodding enthusiastically at this point. “No one makes Dittoheads bleed and cry and gets away with it! Canada, either you give us that Metallica drummin’ Mountie so we can have him drawn and quartered, or we drop nukes on you!”

Palin nodded. “Gosh golly, when we’re through, those godless liberal commie fascists won’t recognize the land of the red, white, and blue!” This reporter sighed in dismay, expecting that the difference between communism and fascism was too complicated for the mind of Sarah Palin. “Michele and me, we’re gonna take this country in the right direction, and we’re gonna be the most benevolent overlord rulers of any country everywhere! We’re gonna get back to the basics, and that means steppin’ up and doin’ what we say, and that means you, Levi Johnston! Time to man up and marry Bristol, you punk! And sure enough, give those commie liberals enough time and they’ll come around to see things our way. Or we can just toss ‘em all into some concentration camp with the Dixie Chicks and the gays and the peace activists and the Supreme Court and the holdout Dumbocrats."

Michele smiled in that delirious way of hers. “God help America.... I mean, God bless America! Remember, in 2016, vote Palin and Bachmann!”

“Or Bachmann and Palin!” Palin added.  “Vote for us! You can trust us! I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?”

The two left the stage to the sound of Toby Keith and Ted Nugent jamming in a strange rendition of God Bless America. As to the question of what was the worst that could happen, this reporter was envisioning nuclear holocaust. Granted, what were the chances? Who in their right minds would even vote for this pair of dolts?

GOP party bosses were horrified at the prospect of Palin and Bachmann running for the nomination. The Koch brothers were busy hedging their bets, wondering how much bribe money would be needed to control them. This reporter wondered if the Koch brothers ever thought they’d be spending less money just paying taxes than blowing it on political manipulation. And up in Canada, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich was cautiously approached by other reporters, who informed him of the demand by the Palin/ Bachmann team. “Drawn and quartered?” he asked, smiling in a strange way. “Well, they’re welcome to try.”

Late night comedians were ecstatic at the thought of a Palin/Bachmann run at the nomination and the sheer possibility of ways they could work this into monologues. “However long this campaign lasts,” Conan O’Brien told reporters, “we’ll have plenty of material to use for years.”

Stephen Colbert, due to take over David Letterman’s old spot on the Late Show in September, mused on getting an early start to take advantage of the full comic possibilities that a Palin/ Bachmann ticket presented. And Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, soon to move on, was stunned to hear the news. He told reporters, “They choose now to run for the nomination? This is a dream come true. I wonder if it’s too late to change my mind.”

40 000 Sobbing Dittoheads

Some links to see to before we get ourselves underway. The Checkerboard Aussies have eight pups among their number. The Real Maple Syrup Mob post about sisters saying the weirdest things. Audrey the Majestic Feline figures into this blog. And yesterday was a Square Dog Friday, so go say hello to Hamish and Watson. Now then, a few days ago I posted this bit of nonsense. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out, because this might get confusing.

Thousands Of Limbaugh Fans Left Bloodied And Crying After Picking Fight With Cranky Mountie

Calgary (CP) The trail of wreckage extends from Alberta's Rocky Mountains across the border into the United States. It is not the act of a tornado, but the result of an overblown radio political pundit spectacularly underestimating how dangerous one man can be. Last week, Rush Limbaugh, consistent winner of the Biggest Waste Of Oxygen On Radio Award for the last ten years running, urged his listeners to march into Canada to pick a fight with legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich. The notion did not go well.

Hordes of Limbaugh's fans, sometimes called dittoheads, poured across the border, bound for the detachment in the Alberta foothills where the Inspector is stationed. One by one, or in groups, they found the Inspector on duty. Some challenged him to a fight. Others simply struck first without saying a word. Each in turn got their butts kicked by the man who has repeatedly saved the world, and who is widely considered by many to be the most dangerous man alive, particularly when it comes to entertainment reporters.

"For the first few brawls, the Inspector thought this was little more than an odd prank," RCMP Constable Megan Borden told reporters from Calgary. "They barged into his detachment, started a fight, and he ended it in the way he usually does. The individuals in question were taken to the hospital in a variety of conditions, depending on how much they had annoyed the Inspector, and then charged with assault and weapons charges for bringing guns across the border. After a great number of these instances, the Inspector questioned one of his beaten assailants, and learned that Mr. Limbaugh had urged his followers to cross the border and pick fights with him. It seems Mr. Limbaugh believes the Inspector to be a communist. It is the opinion of the RCMP that Mr. Limbaugh is a complete bloody idiot."

Armed with the knowledge that there was a reason he was getting into many more fights than usual, the Inspector set out for the nearest border crossing. Reporters have learned that he was brawling with groups of angry dittoheads along the way, all of them out to get him, all of them failing spectacularly to slow him down. Other Mounties arrested the fallen dittoheads in the Inspector's wake, taking some to hospitals for medical care. The dittoheads protested the notion of being in what they called a "communist-fascist" health care system even while receiving excellent medical care from highly qualified doctors and nurses who were more polite than they had to be. Borden, in relating to reporters this particular detail, rolled her eyes, commenting, "no one has ever accused the average Rush Limbaugh fan of being able to figure out what time of day it is, let alone process complicated differences in extreme political views."

It was at this point, merely six hours after Ulrich left his detachment and kept getting into fights with dittoheads on the road, that some of the dittoheads started fleeing back for the border. They saw the ferocity of an angry Mountie, engaging over twenty of their number at a time, breaking bones, kicking butt, and taking names. As stupid as they could be, these dittoheads recognized trouble when they saw it. The trickle of retreating dittoheads became a flood as some told their fellow dittoheads of the terror behind them. "It was like looking at the face of death," Randall Kelly, 48, a devoted dittohead from Kansas told reporters after reaching the other side of the border. "I ain't never seen nothing that scary. I figured if I stayed, I'd end up broken and bloody and in one of those godless Canadian hospitals where Saint Rush tells us they'll kill you on the hospital table even if you just came in with a hangnail. Uh uh, no sir, not for me. So I turned tail and I skedaddled."

Ulrich didn't stop at the border in his pursuit of the hordes of dittoheads. He crossed right through. A spokesperson for the State Department spoke to reporters in Washington. "We sent out orders to our people at the border to just let him through," Nicole Beckett explained. "First of all, the Inspector's saved the world on more than one occasion. Second, the people he was chasing started the whole thing, and frankly, the President believes they had it coming."

The terror of the dittoheads went viral. Limbaugh, who had been perched in a radio station in Great Falls, Montana, directing the movements of his legions of dittoheads north, got word that things had gone drastically wrong. He was broadcasting a panicked rallying cry for reinforcements, mixed in with his usual condemnations of the President, Hilary Clinton, Sesame Street, liberals, and anyone who doesn't follow his orders. Witnesses to what happened next told reporters they thought Limbaugh assumed he could rally his followers to take a stand and drive back the force of nature that was the cranky Mountie.

Instead the cranky Mountie plowed through the lines of dittoheads, sending them fleeing in horror. Learning the location of Limbaugh, Ulrich barged into the radio station, and found the pundit in the booth. For a moment, Limbaugh's listeners heard complete silence over the airwaves. Then it was followed by the meekest tone they had ever heard coming from their hero. "Um, you wouldn't hurt a Metallica fan, would you?" Limbaugh asked.

That was the last straw for the Inspector, who gave Limbaugh the beatdown that he had coming thirty years ago. The pundit was taken out of the radio station on a stretcher for medical care, babbling about seeing the moose. Doctors say they believe he'll be eating meals from a straw for the next six months. Having had found and demolished the leader of the dittoheads, Ulrich returned home. No reporter dared to cross his path. Border officials simply let him back through into the Great White North, and he returned home, cranky but satisfied that the incursion was finished.

In the wake of the incident, numbers are still being tallied. On either side of the border, beaten and bloodied dittoheads have been in the hospital, numbering over twenty nine thousand. Most of them on the Canadian side of the border are facing serious criminal charges. Officials further estimate that eleven thousand more managed to flee without incident, though deeply traumatized and shaken by fear, often seen to be weeping uncontrollably. "I don't know what I was thinking," Mr Kelly admitted to reporters, shaking back and forth. "It don't matter how long I'll live.... that scene of carnage, that angry Mountie... it's going to haunt my nightmares the rest of my life."

The President had the last word as he spoke to reporters in the White House. "Look, anyone of reasonable intelligence knows you don't bother Lars Ulrich. You treat him with respect, because the guy's saved the world and he's a pretty dangerous guy when he wants to be. Beating up nearly thirty thousand people over four days is pretty much proof of that. The fact of the matter is that Rush Limbaugh is not a person of reasonable intelligence." The President paused, then smiled. "And since he'll be spending the next six months or so in traction, that means he's off the air. I'd say that's a win-win for us."

That Lost Art Of Diplomacy

World Strives To Avert Crisis In Ukraine; Wingnut Blowhard Urges War On Canadian Mountie

London (Reuters) As the diplomatic community continues to deal with the ongoing Crimean crisis and the movements of Russian President Vladimir Putin to annex the peninsula and his intentions towards the Ukraine, unorthodox methods have been considered through the United Nations as a whole, and various world powers. American Secretary of State Kerry remains in high level negotiations with his counterpart, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, to resolve the situation. Nations throughout Eastern Europe, once part of the Soviet sphere of influence, worry about what Putin may have in mind for their lands. Western leaders are anxious about the possibilities that Putin might cut off oil and natural gas to their nations if they press him too hard. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper remains hellbent on playing the part of the cold warrior, demanding that President Putin build up a wall just so he can tell him to tear down this wall. 

Experts suggest that the invasion of Crimea and the ongoing unrest in Ukraine have been Putin's form of overcompensation. After the closing ceremonies at the Sochi Winter Olympics, in which Putin's bid for world domination was brought to a halt by legendary RCMP inspector Lars Ulrich- to the point where Putin was personally humiliated in front of the world by losing control of his bladder- sources say he was so furious at the humiliation that he sought to gain back his position in a big way through a military operation. "It's the thing with Russian leaders," retired British diplomat Sir Geoffrey St. John-Marlborough noted. "They wish to be respected and feared. Emphasis on feared. Vladimir Putin is no different."

The suggestion has been made in some quarters to send in the proverbial cavalry, the one man who can reduce Vladimir Putin to tears: Inspector Ulrich. "He has broken Putin's spirit with one glare," Ursula Kletchko, president of the Ukraine-American Association remarked. "Think of what he can do if we let him skydive into the Kremlin, kick butt, and take some names. I suspect Putin would exile himself to a Siberian gulag just to get away from him."

Penelope Rhys-Hughes, a professor of diplomatic history at Oxford, respectfully disagrees with the suggestion of sending in the Inspector. "We could keep that in mind as a contingency, but at this point, it's better to just allow diplomacy to run its course. Besides, I believe that if Lars Ulrich were to parachute into the Kremlin, beat up Vladimir Putin, and drive him into exile... the Russian people might ask him to take on the job, and we'd end up with a Tsar Lars the First."

Right wing blowhard Rush Limbaugh snorted in derision at the idea of the Mountie being sent into Russia on his radio talk show. "My friends, this is just typical of those godless commie socialist liberal liars. Instead of having the guts to stand up to a guy who's only doing what he thinks is right- and that's what Putin's doing, by the way- they entertain the notion of having an even more commie foreigner go after Putin. And he is a commie. Because this ***** Mountie wears red, and as I've always told you, red is the colour of a commie, the sort of person our beloved Saint Ronald Reagan spent his life fighting. Well, his life after Hollywood. How dare these people suggest we trust a commie socialist Canadian with such a job? Well, I've had it! You hear me out there, dittoheads? I've had it with this whole notion of glorifying this Communist menace in a uniform. So I want every single one of you to cross that Canadian border, find that ******* Lars Ulrich and kick his ass! I'll be right behind you, just as soon as I find my heart medication. I might've mixed it in with my Viagra and the uppers and downers... did I say that out loud?"

Conservative mouthpiece and dominatrix Ann Coulter had her own take on the matter in remarks to the press. "We have ways of keeping this Ulrich occupied so we can continue our primary mission of destroying the President's reputation and poisoning the political atmosphere in the country for decades to come... wait, did I say that out loud?" She paused and composed herself. "It's very simple. As long as Vladimir behaves himself over there and lets us go about our business destroying our President, we don't care about Crimea. At least until we can get a Republican back in the White House, undermine civil rights for eight years, and go to war for no reason. Did I mention we love war? So even if it takes my bedding down with the enemy, I'm perfectly willing to seduce Lars Ulrich to keep him distracted. I mean, have you looked at the guy? I wouldn't kick him out of bed for singing O Canada."

Inspector Ulrich was found at his detachment in Alberta, throttling a Metallica groupie who mistook him for the drummer. When reporters assured him that they knew he was not a heavy metal drummer, and informed him what Coulter proposed, he rolled his eyes and said in a terse way, "Not if she was the last human being on the planet."

The British have been heavily involved in the diplomatic process as well, with mixed results. Their Secretary of State was in Moscow this week for meetings with Lavrov and Putin. Putin stormed out of the talks, furious. "We will not be disrespected in such a way by the British!" he shouted to reporters in Russian as he strode past them at the Kremlin. "A minister who cannot be understood is no sign of respect at all!"

Secretary Beaker emerged from the room to find the press waiting for him. The Muppet with the red hair and crazy look in his eyes stared at everyone, and summed it all up in a few words. "Meep! Meep meep meep meep! Meep meep!"

U Is For United Nations

Muppet Supervillain Holds Planet For Ransom; World Leaders Squabble

The search continues for muppet fugitive Fred Johnson, aka Fat Blue, since the recent threat by the convicted murderer to destroy the world if his arch rival Grover is not executed. RCMP officers continue to hunt for the criminal, who escaped after a US Marshal plane crashed across the border in southern Alberta.

Johnson, who had loveable muppet Elmo murdered and framed Grover for it, has eluded authorities in the weeks since the crash. Old friends and associates remain shocked by the turn of events that saw Grover exonerated. Reached at their home on Sesame Street, bickering couple Bert and Ernie spoke to reporters.

"Fred was C-list at best," Bert remarked. "They only brought him out when they wanted someone for Grover to annoy. He never had his own storyline, and I'm sure that had to get to him. Muppets do have egos, you know."

"That's right, Bert," Ernie agreed. "Now, how about you join me and Ducky in the tub?"

Cookie Monster was found spending time with Oscar the Grouch. When asked for their comment, Cookie Monster began chowing down on Oreos. "Om nom nom!!" he said, the mouthful of black and white cookie and cream obliterating the clarity of what he was trying to say.

"That's what I mean, Cookie!" Oscar gruffly declared. "That mother****er Fred went and killed off Elmo. Sure, you know that everyone here would have liked to get rid of the little red menace, so I can't blame him, but framing Grover for it? **** that, mother****er!" When this reporter asked Oscar if that was the polite thing to say, the grouch sneered, and replied, "**** you!!"

Asked for his comment, the enigmatic Beeker had this to say: "Mee... meep. Meep. Mee. Mee. Meep!! Meep!"

Grover himself remains in seclusion with his girlfriend, protected by federal officers in an undisclosed location.

Meanwhile, world leaders have been gathering at the United Nations in New York to discuss the crisis. The President of Iran took the podium and launched into a half hour long tirade. "I blame this on Israel!" he thundered in Farsi at the beginning of his rant. After listing dozens of grievances against the Israelis that had nothing to do with the threat, he concluded, "We must stand together as one planet under my benevolent and absolute rule and drive them out of Israel and back to where they rightfully belong. In the Upper West Side! Oh, and forget anything I said about absolute rule. I haven't implemented that part of my plan yet."

The American President spoke too. "You know, we must never negotiate with terrorists. That's what this muppet Fred Johnson is. You don't make threats about destroying the world if you're not. He wants us to execute an innocent man... er, that is, an innocent muppet. Or he says he'll destroy the world. I ask the leaders of the world, why should we even think he's capable of destroying the world?"

Talk show blowhard Rush Limbaugh was quick to criticize the President. "You know, this is just typical! Typical of this godless liberal who thinks he's the President. This is not a time for calm and reasonable discussion! This is a time for a call to action! For doing without thinking! Well, my friends, I have had it! It's time for us to rise up and take back our country! One country, under Rush, divided into God fearin' and gun totin' good Americans and traitorous Commie liberals."

Right wing dominatrix and self absorbed snit Ann Coulter had her own remarks on the issue at hand. She spoke to a gathering of reporters in New York. "If it comes down to the life of one left wing socialist Marxist muppet versus all of the people who buy my books, well, I know where my loyalties lie. Give me Grover's location. I'll kill the muppet myself. And his girlfriend. Then we have no more problem. See? Problem solved. In the meantime, check me out at my new website MistressCoulter,DominatrixoftheTeaParty.com. And don't forget to read my new book, Liberals Want To Eat Your Children."

What of the man in charge of the hunt for Johnson? Lars Ulrich, the legendary RCMP Inspector, is hard at work tracking down all leads in the Alberta foothills. Reporters gathered at a detachment to speak to him, finding him heading out with his men. "I haven't got time for this," he said as he tried to pass through.

An entertainment journalist stepped in front of him. "Lars! Lars! Kip Bannister, Entertainment Tonight! Are you in that uniform shooting a video? And where's the rest of the band?"

Ulrich glared at the man, and then at the other reporters. "Is there some sort of school for entertainment reporters that suck out their brains? Are they all this stupid?" His glare returned to Bannister. "Listen, dimwit. Are you listening? Good. I am not that Lars Ulrich!!! Now do the world a favour and jump in front of a train!!!"

Surprisingly, the Inspector passed by him rather then strike him. Bannister looked around, confused. In the experience of this reporter, it's a common problem for entertainment journalists. Then Bannister made his second mistake of the day by speaking again. "So does this mean you've had a falling out with the rest of Metallica?"

Ulrich stopped. He turned, walked back, and threw a punch, connecting with Bannister's jaw, knocking him to the ground. "Drop dead, jackass!" the Inspector said, delivering a swift kick to the ribs before walking off with his men.

Ten Minutes In The Life Of Fox News

Good afternoon, I'm Joe Wright, and welcome to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel, where our Glorious Leader continues his noble quest of overthrowing the evil one we call "President" Obama.

Negotiations continue to liberate the future President, Sarah Palin, who is being unfairly held in custody, still in her giant size, after her misadventure trashing Washington DC several weeks ago. Empress Sarah, as we like to call her here at Fox, was tricked by an evil, evil Canadian Commie Pinko Mountie named Lars Ulrich, and defeated in battle. Her husband Todd had this to say to our reporters.

We're all waitin' and prayin' for Sarah to get back home as soon as she can, because, well, I can't handle all these kids myself, you know, and... come to think of it, what do I actually do for a living? Bristol! Stop flirting with that pool boy! Willow! Will you get off the phone? Daddy's talking to his good buddies at Fox! Trip! Trip! Oh, damn it, somebody go get Trip! He's playin' with the grizzly again! Where was I? Oh, right! Yes, we're waitin' for Sarah to be released from unlawful custody, 'cause she's got to get busy runnin' for President in a couple years. Besides, we've got another reality show to do beforehand. Yep, I'll tell you, launching a bid for the big job by usin' a hokey TV format is really really dignified. Like my old Uncle Jeb used to say, before he got frozen to death in the winter of 78...

We'll get back to you, Todd. You were drifting there.

The Republican Party is infuriated by the detaining of Future President Empress Sarah. At least the members of the Party that matter to Fox News. We'll just ignore the mainstream members of the party and concentrate on everyone who agrees with us. The Evil One, "President" Obama, had this to say about the detaining of our Empress.

Look, the reality is this woman turned herself into a giant, stomped about, and did incredible damage to the architecture and institutions of this city. It's a miracle no one was killed. Real people live here. Real lives are carried out here. And becoming a giant and obliterating everything in her path just because she thought it would play well with her Tea Party base does not excuse her actions. She must be held accountable.

Reached for comment, grand sage Rush Limbaugh guffawed at the "President's" remarks.

You know, my friends, this is typical liberal tactics. They demonize our greatest voices. They've got my good friend Glenn Beck hidden away in that Narnia place, framed by a talking lion. Now they've got Sarah detained and aren't doing anything to get her shrunk down to smaller size! Well, I've had it! This is the same government who called in a socialist from north of the border to do battle with her! They humiliated her using a red Mountie! Red as in commies! That's right! This is the same Commie cop they called in to solve that Muppet murder! Well, what do you expect from a government that supports socialist shows like Sesame Street? They can't even hire one of their own to solve a case! Look, this is what we do. I want all of my loyal listeners out there to get their torches and pitchforks and...

Whoa, slow down there, Rush. Wait for Operation Overthrow Democracy in 2013.

In a related story, the evil, evil Mountie responsible for the defeat of Empress Sarah is on the case in the recent escape of the Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson. Johnson, you'll recall, murdered Elmo, framed Grover, and nearly got away with it. Johnson was recently convicted and sent to federal prison in the west, but his plane crashed across the border in that Godless wasteland of Canada. Of the prisoners on board, only Mr. Johnson is unaccounted for. Our reporters caught up with the evil, evil Mountie, Lars Ulrich.


Listen, you bloody idiot, I've got real work to do. I've got a dangerous fugitive to hunt down. I don't have time for any moronic reporters to ask me why I'm not on tour with the rest of the band.


As you can see, the evil, evil Mountie then hit our reporter. And you wonder why we hate Canada. Well, not all Canadians. There are a few we like, as long as they march in lockstep with us. Deputy Prime Minister John Baird has been filling in for Prime Minister Harper during his recent rampage while giant sized. He spoke to us earlier.

The Prime Minister remains in full command of the cabinet, despite his unfortunate rampage some weeks ago. We're quickly working to remedy his gigantic size so that he can come back to work. We've got a lot of work to do, slipping our Removal Of Citizens' Rights And Freedoms secret agenda pushed through Parliament. And if those idiots in Opposition give us a problem, we'll just have Parliament prorogued again. Or we'll have the Opposition arrested. Wait, did I say that out loud?

We won't tell anyone. Joining us by satellite is our roving consultant, Keith Jarrett, author of I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom. He's out with a new book. Hello, Keith.

Hi, Joe.

Tell us about the new book.

I'm calling it, "Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All." You know, we've got to get serious about these terrorists before they...

Keith, sorry to interrupt here, but the Buddhists aren't terrorists. Not the last time I checked. They're actually mostly peaceful people.

They are?

The Dalai Lama is a Buddhist.

He is?

The last time I looked it up, yes. You know, maybe you should have researched this first.

Oh my god... no!!!! I printed up a million copies of the book on my own dime, and now you're telling me it's a mistake????

Keith? Keith? Someone over there on the other end give him a hand. Looks like he's hyper... excuse me? Sorry? One moment, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Murdoch, our Glorious Leader wants to speak to me.

Joe?

Lord Rupert, Dark Lord of the Abyss, I bow to you, o fearsome one! What an honor it is to...

Shut the fuck up! How dare you! I just saw that, and how dare you suggest we at Fox research anything, by crikey! Now you listen to me and you listen good! Those gullible twits who tune into us think that...

Lord Rupert, we're live on the air.

We are? Damn it all to...

Lord Rupert? Master? Um, we've lost Lord Rupert. Finally, author, sage, and dominatrix Ann Coulter was heckled out of yet another speech at yet another university by yet more commie pinko students with no time on their hands. In the opinion of this anchor, those kids need a good tasering. Mistress Coulter had this to say, when our cameras found her staring at herself in the mirror.

Oh, yes, you are the most beautiful and captivating of them all. Yes, you are. If I could only find a way to clone myself I would take myself to dinner, get both of myself drunk and have my way with myself... oh! You're already here. Yes, those idiot Godless liberal brats think they can heckle me out of their Godless liberal universities? Think again!

Stay tuned to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel. Coming up on the O'Reilly Factor, Bill tortures some liberals.