That Lost Art Of Diplomacy

World Strives To Avert Crisis In Ukraine; Wingnut Blowhard Urges War On Canadian Mountie

London (Reuters) As the diplomatic community continues to deal with the ongoing Crimean crisis and the movements of Russian President Vladimir Putin to annex the peninsula and his intentions towards the Ukraine, unorthodox methods have been considered through the United Nations as a whole, and various world powers. American Secretary of State Kerry remains in high level negotiations with his counterpart, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, to resolve the situation. Nations throughout Eastern Europe, once part of the Soviet sphere of influence, worry about what Putin may have in mind for their lands. Western leaders are anxious about the possibilities that Putin might cut off oil and natural gas to their nations if they press him too hard. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper remains hellbent on playing the part of the cold warrior, demanding that President Putin build up a wall just so he can tell him to tear down this wall. 

Experts suggest that the invasion of Crimea and the ongoing unrest in Ukraine have been Putin's form of overcompensation. After the closing ceremonies at the Sochi Winter Olympics, in which Putin's bid for world domination was brought to a halt by legendary RCMP inspector Lars Ulrich- to the point where Putin was personally humiliated in front of the world by losing control of his bladder- sources say he was so furious at the humiliation that he sought to gain back his position in a big way through a military operation. "It's the thing with Russian leaders," retired British diplomat Sir Geoffrey St. John-Marlborough noted. "They wish to be respected and feared. Emphasis on feared. Vladimir Putin is no different."

The suggestion has been made in some quarters to send in the proverbial cavalry, the one man who can reduce Vladimir Putin to tears: Inspector Ulrich. "He has broken Putin's spirit with one glare," Ursula Kletchko, president of the Ukraine-American Association remarked. "Think of what he can do if we let him skydive into the Kremlin, kick butt, and take some names. I suspect Putin would exile himself to a Siberian gulag just to get away from him."

Penelope Rhys-Hughes, a professor of diplomatic history at Oxford, respectfully disagrees with the suggestion of sending in the Inspector. "We could keep that in mind as a contingency, but at this point, it's better to just allow diplomacy to run its course. Besides, I believe that if Lars Ulrich were to parachute into the Kremlin, beat up Vladimir Putin, and drive him into exile... the Russian people might ask him to take on the job, and we'd end up with a Tsar Lars the First."

Right wing blowhard Rush Limbaugh snorted in derision at the idea of the Mountie being sent into Russia on his radio talk show. "My friends, this is just typical of those godless commie socialist liberal liars. Instead of having the guts to stand up to a guy who's only doing what he thinks is right- and that's what Putin's doing, by the way- they entertain the notion of having an even more commie foreigner go after Putin. And he is a commie. Because this ***** Mountie wears red, and as I've always told you, red is the colour of a commie, the sort of person our beloved Saint Ronald Reagan spent his life fighting. Well, his life after Hollywood. How dare these people suggest we trust a commie socialist Canadian with such a job? Well, I've had it! You hear me out there, dittoheads? I've had it with this whole notion of glorifying this Communist menace in a uniform. So I want every single one of you to cross that Canadian border, find that ******* Lars Ulrich and kick his ass! I'll be right behind you, just as soon as I find my heart medication. I might've mixed it in with my Viagra and the uppers and downers... did I say that out loud?"

Conservative mouthpiece and dominatrix Ann Coulter had her own take on the matter in remarks to the press. "We have ways of keeping this Ulrich occupied so we can continue our primary mission of destroying the President's reputation and poisoning the political atmosphere in the country for decades to come... wait, did I say that out loud?" She paused and composed herself. "It's very simple. As long as Vladimir behaves himself over there and lets us go about our business destroying our President, we don't care about Crimea. At least until we can get a Republican back in the White House, undermine civil rights for eight years, and go to war for no reason. Did I mention we love war? So even if it takes my bedding down with the enemy, I'm perfectly willing to seduce Lars Ulrich to keep him distracted. I mean, have you looked at the guy? I wouldn't kick him out of bed for singing O Canada."

Inspector Ulrich was found at his detachment in Alberta, throttling a Metallica groupie who mistook him for the drummer. When reporters assured him that they knew he was not a heavy metal drummer, and informed him what Coulter proposed, he rolled his eyes and said in a terse way, "Not if she was the last human being on the planet."

The British have been heavily involved in the diplomatic process as well, with mixed results. Their Secretary of State was in Moscow this week for meetings with Lavrov and Putin. Putin stormed out of the talks, furious. "We will not be disrespected in such a way by the British!" he shouted to reporters in Russian as he strode past them at the Kremlin. "A minister who cannot be understood is no sign of respect at all!"

Secretary Beaker emerged from the room to find the press waiting for him. The Muppet with the red hair and crazy look in his eyes stared at everyone, and summed it all up in a few words. "Meep! Meep meep meep meep! Meep meep!"

E Is For Evil

A bunker, somewhere in the Alberta foothills. A large conference room serves as headquarters for a meeting this night. A group of people have gathered around a round table. Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter, Michael Moore, and Ralph Nader are chatting amicably, which is a surprise, considering the latter of the foursome have publicly condemned the first two. John Baird, currently the acting Prime Minister of Canada, walks in, greeting them, shaking hands. The actress Jennifer Aniston sits at the table, absently staring at an old photograph of herself and Brad Pitt. The actor Mike Myers sits across from her, wearing a light grey Nehru suit, his hair shaved off. He appears to be confused and baffled. Another man stands nearby. It's the self-styled man who thinks he knows everything, Keith Jarrett. A door opens, and in walks the fugitive muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue. He finds his way over to a chair, and sits down.

Mr. Johnson: Hello, everyone, welcome to the first meeting of the League of Really Evil, Evil People. If we could all find seats, we can get things started.

The rest of the group take seats around the table. Myers continues to look around, confused. Mr. Johnson picks up a remote control.


Mr. Johnson: First of all, we're being joined tonight by video link with an old friend.

He presses a button. A giant view screen on a nearby wall comes on, and shortly thereafter, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi appears on the screen from his Presidential Palace. In the background, there's the sound of an explosion.


Mr. Johnson: Moammar, glad you could join us.

Gadhafi: My pleasure, Fred. If I have to depart quickly, it's just because those infernal peasants are trying to overthrow me for some inexplicable reason. Really, am I not their Beloved Tyrant?

Baird: Why don't you try doing what we do, Moammar? Lie, deflect, and cast the blame on your political opponents?

Mr. Johnson: If we could come to order? I'd like to thank John for deflecting the continued RCMP searches for me. That rotten Mountie Lars Ulrich hasn't gotten hold of me yet, and I've got to hand it to you to keep him occupied.

Baird: Easily done, Fred, and anything for an old friend. All it takes is throwing entertainment journalists at him.

Mr. Johnson: I'd also like to thank you for lending us the use of this bunker for the meeting.

Baird: No problem at all, Fred. Next month the Conservative Party will be using it in Operation Subvert Canadian Democracy.


Cheney: Yes, very commendable, very commendable indeed.

Moore: Hah! That'll teach those citizens of yours to shut up!

Nader: Very nicely done. We need to try that south of the border.

Cheney: We came oh so close, Ralph, really, but it didn't quite take.

Coulter: We'll succeed in two years. It's just a matter of time before those godless liberals and anyone else who disagrees with us gets what's coming to them.

Moore: Yes! Yes!! Damned liberals! Burn them all!

Mr. Johnson: I still find it surprising to hear you say that. Your public face is so... left wing. So are your film documentaries.

Moore: I know. Perfect way to disguise my true political leanings, isn't it?

Aniston: Why doesn't Brad love me?

Moore: It's a Trojan horse doublebluff.

Aniston: I'm America's sweetheart, right?

Mr. Johnson: So, how have we been in keeping with doing evil lately?

Cheney: I invited a bunch of ACLU lawyers to my ranch last week. Then I let nature take its course and started hunting them.

Nader: I announced my intention to consider running for President in 2012. The Democrats are up in arms.

Moore: I stole candy from a whole lot of babies.

Coulter: I tortured a few godless liberals.

Baird: I had an orphanage blown up.

Myers: Um, excuse me, can I just say something?

Mr. Johnson: Certainly. We're all equals here in the League of Really Evil, Evil People.

Myers: Yes, well, that's what I meant to bring up. See, I'm not actually evil.

Jarrett: Oh, that's hilarious, Doctor Evil. You, of all people, claiming you're not evil.

Myers: No, see, Doctor Evil is a character I played. I'm an actor. This guy here had me kidnapped, had my head shaved, and dressed me up like this, but I'm actually Mike Myers. I don't think I really belong here. And aren't you that muppet who's threatened to destroy the world?

Mr. Johnson: Yes, and proud of it.

Jarrett: Doctor Evil's just having some fun, everyone.

Aniston: What does he see in that awful witch and all those kids?

Jarrett: He's just as committed to evil as anyone else here is, you know.

Myers: I keep telling you, Doctor Evil is just a character! I'm only an actor! And not a very good one!

Jarrett: Doctor Evil, why aren't you speaking with your Belgian accent? And you're supposed to put your hands up in a quotation hand signal every time you emphasize a word.

Myers: I'm not Doctor Evil, damn it! Now let me go! I have to get back to filming The Love Guru 2! Sure, the first film tanked, but this time we'll get it right!

Aniston: After all the dues I paid, all the popularity of that show, why can't I hold onto a man? Why is my womb so cobwebbed? Why doesn't Brad love me?

Mr. Johnson: I'm sorry, but I don't recognize you, sir.

Jarrett: I'm Keith Jarrett, Mr. Johnson. Author of the books I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom, Duck And Cover The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All, and my ill-timed How To Cure Ebola. Come one now! Everyone knows me!

Coulter: He does the occasional consulting gig for Fox News.

Nader: Didn't he write that book about knowing everything? Or was that Gore?

Cheney: Maybe both. Gore, that bastard. You know, I always wanted to take him hunting...

Moore: So he could meet with a... hunting accident, right?

Aniston: Is it my perky haircut? My whining voice?

Cheney: Exactly, Michael, an accident.

Baird: Dick, can I send a few journalists hunting with you?

Nader: Aren't you the fellow who infected that guy with Ebola virus?

Moore: Maybe we can infect Wolf Blitzer with the Ebola virus.

Jarrett: Look, that was a simple oversight. My lawyers are working on getting the charges dismissed. We all have those kind of moments. It happens. I assure you, Mr. Johnson, I'm more then qualified to be a member of the League of Really Evil, Evil People. I'm a world renowned expert on so many things, including the true nature of evil. In fact, in between writing my new work Gosh I'm So Smart, I've been thinking of writing a definitive biography on the most evil person in the twentieth century. I'm thinking of calling it Mother Teresa: Tyrannical Despot of India. What do you think? Catchy title, am I right?

Gadhafi: You do realize Mother Teresa is a saint?

Cheney: A real do-gooder. I hate do-gooders.

Coulter: You couldn't ask for a more righteous person.

Moore: One of the most selfless people to ever walk the earth.

Jarrett: Wait... so you're saying she's not irredeemably evil?

Nader: Certainly not, young man.

Baird: Back to the drawing board, huh?

Aniston: I'm so miserable and alone and lonely. And barren. Would one of you people mind killing Angelina Jolie for me? If she's out of the way, Brad's sure to come back to me! Yes, I'm sure of it!

An explosion rocks behind Gadhafi on the screen. He looks shaken.


Gadhafi: Damn! The rebels are closing in! John, can you put in a good word for me at the UN?

Baird: Sorry, Moammar. The UN doesn't like Canada anymore. Not since the Prime Minister told the General Assembly they could kiss his ass last year.

Mr. Johnson: Speaking of the UN, it's only a week now until my deadline. Grover must die, or I'll wreck a terrible vengeance on the world. Everything I have ever done, murdering that little red menace Elmo, framing Grover... all of it, has been meant to destroy my greatest nemesis. You know, it somehow seems like it's been much longer since I made the threat. Maybe time passes differently for a Muppet. At any rate, in a few days, Grover will surely be dead. No human will stick their neck out for him! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! How's my evil laugh coming along, by the way?

Coulter: Wonderful, Fred.

Baird: Just right, Fred.

Nader: Splendid.

Jarrett: Are we all certain Mother Teresa wasn't evil?

Mr. Johnson: Oh, will you just shut up already?

U Is For United Nations

Muppet Supervillain Holds Planet For Ransom; World Leaders Squabble

The search continues for muppet fugitive Fred Johnson, aka Fat Blue, since the recent threat by the convicted murderer to destroy the world if his arch rival Grover is not executed. RCMP officers continue to hunt for the criminal, who escaped after a US Marshal plane crashed across the border in southern Alberta.

Johnson, who had loveable muppet Elmo murdered and framed Grover for it, has eluded authorities in the weeks since the crash. Old friends and associates remain shocked by the turn of events that saw Grover exonerated. Reached at their home on Sesame Street, bickering couple Bert and Ernie spoke to reporters.

"Fred was C-list at best," Bert remarked. "They only brought him out when they wanted someone for Grover to annoy. He never had his own storyline, and I'm sure that had to get to him. Muppets do have egos, you know."

"That's right, Bert," Ernie agreed. "Now, how about you join me and Ducky in the tub?"

Cookie Monster was found spending time with Oscar the Grouch. When asked for their comment, Cookie Monster began chowing down on Oreos. "Om nom nom!!" he said, the mouthful of black and white cookie and cream obliterating the clarity of what he was trying to say.

"That's what I mean, Cookie!" Oscar gruffly declared. "That mother****er Fred went and killed off Elmo. Sure, you know that everyone here would have liked to get rid of the little red menace, so I can't blame him, but framing Grover for it? **** that, mother****er!" When this reporter asked Oscar if that was the polite thing to say, the grouch sneered, and replied, "**** you!!"

Asked for his comment, the enigmatic Beeker had this to say: "Mee... meep. Meep. Mee. Mee. Meep!! Meep!"

Grover himself remains in seclusion with his girlfriend, protected by federal officers in an undisclosed location.

Meanwhile, world leaders have been gathering at the United Nations in New York to discuss the crisis. The President of Iran took the podium and launched into a half hour long tirade. "I blame this on Israel!" he thundered in Farsi at the beginning of his rant. After listing dozens of grievances against the Israelis that had nothing to do with the threat, he concluded, "We must stand together as one planet under my benevolent and absolute rule and drive them out of Israel and back to where they rightfully belong. In the Upper West Side! Oh, and forget anything I said about absolute rule. I haven't implemented that part of my plan yet."

The American President spoke too. "You know, we must never negotiate with terrorists. That's what this muppet Fred Johnson is. You don't make threats about destroying the world if you're not. He wants us to execute an innocent man... er, that is, an innocent muppet. Or he says he'll destroy the world. I ask the leaders of the world, why should we even think he's capable of destroying the world?"

Talk show blowhard Rush Limbaugh was quick to criticize the President. "You know, this is just typical! Typical of this godless liberal who thinks he's the President. This is not a time for calm and reasonable discussion! This is a time for a call to action! For doing without thinking! Well, my friends, I have had it! It's time for us to rise up and take back our country! One country, under Rush, divided into God fearin' and gun totin' good Americans and traitorous Commie liberals."

Right wing dominatrix and self absorbed snit Ann Coulter had her own remarks on the issue at hand. She spoke to a gathering of reporters in New York. "If it comes down to the life of one left wing socialist Marxist muppet versus all of the people who buy my books, well, I know where my loyalties lie. Give me Grover's location. I'll kill the muppet myself. And his girlfriend. Then we have no more problem. See? Problem solved. In the meantime, check me out at my new website MistressCoulter,DominatrixoftheTeaParty.com. And don't forget to read my new book, Liberals Want To Eat Your Children."

What of the man in charge of the hunt for Johnson? Lars Ulrich, the legendary RCMP Inspector, is hard at work tracking down all leads in the Alberta foothills. Reporters gathered at a detachment to speak to him, finding him heading out with his men. "I haven't got time for this," he said as he tried to pass through.

An entertainment journalist stepped in front of him. "Lars! Lars! Kip Bannister, Entertainment Tonight! Are you in that uniform shooting a video? And where's the rest of the band?"

Ulrich glared at the man, and then at the other reporters. "Is there some sort of school for entertainment reporters that suck out their brains? Are they all this stupid?" His glare returned to Bannister. "Listen, dimwit. Are you listening? Good. I am not that Lars Ulrich!!! Now do the world a favour and jump in front of a train!!!"

Surprisingly, the Inspector passed by him rather then strike him. Bannister looked around, confused. In the experience of this reporter, it's a common problem for entertainment journalists. Then Bannister made his second mistake of the day by speaking again. "So does this mean you've had a falling out with the rest of Metallica?"

Ulrich stopped. He turned, walked back, and threw a punch, connecting with Bannister's jaw, knocking him to the ground. "Drop dead, jackass!" the Inspector said, delivering a swift kick to the ribs before walking off with his men.

G Is For Global Blackmail

Muppet Supervillain Resurfaces, Holds Planet For Ransom

Convicted murderer and muppet Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue, aka Fred Johnson, has resurfaced in a stunning video delivered to media and the United Nations today, while remaining on the run somewhere in western Canada. Since his escape several weeks ago after a plane crash, the muppet convicted of murdering Elmo and framing Grover has eluded authorities searching for him.

A video was delivered to the offices of the Calgary Herald today, containing what can best be described as a manifesto. The balding blue muppet looked crazed and devious as he spoke directly to the camera.

"I, Fred Johnson, wrongly persecuted by the systems of an unjust government, have taken matters into my own hands. I have demands that will be met, or the consequences will be drastic. I've been busy during my enforced run from the law, nations of the world. My demands are simple. You will execute Grover. It's irrelevent that he's innocent. I want him dead. Not only dead, I want that blue bastard drawn and quartered. You have two weeks from today. It will be broadcast across the world. If you refuse, I will unleash my arsenal of death cannons, and destroy the world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!  Does my evil laugh sound evil enough? By the way, I really do have death cannons, and they are capable of blowing up the entire planet."

Authorities don't know what to make of the manifesto. The heirs of Jim Henson seemed downcast. Cyrus Henson, a cousin of the late Muppet maker, made a confession. "Look, Jim wasn't merely a puppet master. He was also a wizard first class. He breathed life into these muppets. Sure, they're made of stuffing, but they're sentient living creatures too, and as such, every once in awhile one of them will turn out to be completely evil. Don't hold it against all of them."

Conservative pundit and dominatrix mistress Ann Coulter was quick to speak up. "Far be it from me to talk about giving in to terrorists. That's typical of those slanderous godless liberals who are ready to take away your guns and feed your children to the infidels. But if we have to hand over one Muppet to save the world, I can live with that. Just so long as it's not my personal muppet Gingro. I do so enjoy playing mistress and servant with that muppet. Oh, don't quote me on that."

Grover is said to be in protective custody with his girlfriend, so it's impossible to reporters to get comments from the fuzzy blue muppet. Meanwhile, in Canada, the search goes on. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, still heading up the search for the fugitive, was met by reporters, while he was busy beating up a reporter from TMZ.com outside his detachment.

"Look, I haven't got a statement for you," he told the rest as he gave the TMZ reporter a swift kick in the ass.

"Inspector," a reporter with Reuters spoke first. "Do you believe the muppet's threats are real? That he's capable of destroying the planet?"

Ulrich sighed, and threw the TMZ reporter down an embankment. "I can't really comment on that on the record. I'm sure you understand."

A reporter for Access Hollywood ventured forth, eager. "Lars! Lars! Kyvin Summers, Access Hollywood. Tell me, what does Metallica think of the Brangelina situation, and if Jennifer Aniston should get back together with Brad?"

Ulrich stared at the man as if contemplating how easy it would be to sever his head from his neck. Then he spoke softly. "Listen, you ineffectual vermin, I'll say this much. First of all, Jennifer Aniston is a talentless hack who can't act her way out of a paper back. Second, that whole tendency you twits have of combining names into one is really, really annoying. Third, and I want you to listen to this really, really closely. I am not that Lars Ulrich, you idiot!!!!" The inspector sneered in contempt. "Finally, and most importantly, I have real work to do. These real reporters here seem to understand that. What is it about entertainment reporters that make you such dimwitted asses anyway?"

"So is that a no comment on the Brangelina issue?" Summers asked.

The inspector slugged Summers, and returned into the detachment. Somewhere out in the woods, a muppet supervillain waits, a deadline counting down. At the UN, debate rages over the demand made by the villain. And here in High River, entertainment reporters keep getting beaten up. In the opinion of this reporter, they had it coming.

Ten Minutes In The Life Of Fox News

Good afternoon, I'm Joe Wright, and welcome to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel, where our Glorious Leader continues his noble quest of overthrowing the evil one we call "President" Obama.

Negotiations continue to liberate the future President, Sarah Palin, who is being unfairly held in custody, still in her giant size, after her misadventure trashing Washington DC several weeks ago. Empress Sarah, as we like to call her here at Fox, was tricked by an evil, evil Canadian Commie Pinko Mountie named Lars Ulrich, and defeated in battle. Her husband Todd had this to say to our reporters.

We're all waitin' and prayin' for Sarah to get back home as soon as she can, because, well, I can't handle all these kids myself, you know, and... come to think of it, what do I actually do for a living? Bristol! Stop flirting with that pool boy! Willow! Will you get off the phone? Daddy's talking to his good buddies at Fox! Trip! Trip! Oh, damn it, somebody go get Trip! He's playin' with the grizzly again! Where was I? Oh, right! Yes, we're waitin' for Sarah to be released from unlawful custody, 'cause she's got to get busy runnin' for President in a couple years. Besides, we've got another reality show to do beforehand. Yep, I'll tell you, launching a bid for the big job by usin' a hokey TV format is really really dignified. Like my old Uncle Jeb used to say, before he got frozen to death in the winter of 78...

We'll get back to you, Todd. You were drifting there.

The Republican Party is infuriated by the detaining of Future President Empress Sarah. At least the members of the Party that matter to Fox News. We'll just ignore the mainstream members of the party and concentrate on everyone who agrees with us. The Evil One, "President" Obama, had this to say about the detaining of our Empress.

Look, the reality is this woman turned herself into a giant, stomped about, and did incredible damage to the architecture and institutions of this city. It's a miracle no one was killed. Real people live here. Real lives are carried out here. And becoming a giant and obliterating everything in her path just because she thought it would play well with her Tea Party base does not excuse her actions. She must be held accountable.

Reached for comment, grand sage Rush Limbaugh guffawed at the "President's" remarks.

You know, my friends, this is typical liberal tactics. They demonize our greatest voices. They've got my good friend Glenn Beck hidden away in that Narnia place, framed by a talking lion. Now they've got Sarah detained and aren't doing anything to get her shrunk down to smaller size! Well, I've had it! This is the same government who called in a socialist from north of the border to do battle with her! They humiliated her using a red Mountie! Red as in commies! That's right! This is the same Commie cop they called in to solve that Muppet murder! Well, what do you expect from a government that supports socialist shows like Sesame Street? They can't even hire one of their own to solve a case! Look, this is what we do. I want all of my loyal listeners out there to get their torches and pitchforks and...

Whoa, slow down there, Rush. Wait for Operation Overthrow Democracy in 2013.

In a related story, the evil, evil Mountie responsible for the defeat of Empress Sarah is on the case in the recent escape of the Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson. Johnson, you'll recall, murdered Elmo, framed Grover, and nearly got away with it. Johnson was recently convicted and sent to federal prison in the west, but his plane crashed across the border in that Godless wasteland of Canada. Of the prisoners on board, only Mr. Johnson is unaccounted for. Our reporters caught up with the evil, evil Mountie, Lars Ulrich.


Listen, you bloody idiot, I've got real work to do. I've got a dangerous fugitive to hunt down. I don't have time for any moronic reporters to ask me why I'm not on tour with the rest of the band.


As you can see, the evil, evil Mountie then hit our reporter. And you wonder why we hate Canada. Well, not all Canadians. There are a few we like, as long as they march in lockstep with us. Deputy Prime Minister John Baird has been filling in for Prime Minister Harper during his recent rampage while giant sized. He spoke to us earlier.

The Prime Minister remains in full command of the cabinet, despite his unfortunate rampage some weeks ago. We're quickly working to remedy his gigantic size so that he can come back to work. We've got a lot of work to do, slipping our Removal Of Citizens' Rights And Freedoms secret agenda pushed through Parliament. And if those idiots in Opposition give us a problem, we'll just have Parliament prorogued again. Or we'll have the Opposition arrested. Wait, did I say that out loud?

We won't tell anyone. Joining us by satellite is our roving consultant, Keith Jarrett, author of I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom. He's out with a new book. Hello, Keith.

Hi, Joe.

Tell us about the new book.

I'm calling it, "Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All." You know, we've got to get serious about these terrorists before they...

Keith, sorry to interrupt here, but the Buddhists aren't terrorists. Not the last time I checked. They're actually mostly peaceful people.

They are?

The Dalai Lama is a Buddhist.

He is?

The last time I looked it up, yes. You know, maybe you should have researched this first.

Oh my god... no!!!! I printed up a million copies of the book on my own dime, and now you're telling me it's a mistake????

Keith? Keith? Someone over there on the other end give him a hand. Looks like he's hyper... excuse me? Sorry? One moment, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Murdoch, our Glorious Leader wants to speak to me.

Joe?

Lord Rupert, Dark Lord of the Abyss, I bow to you, o fearsome one! What an honor it is to...

Shut the fuck up! How dare you! I just saw that, and how dare you suggest we at Fox research anything, by crikey! Now you listen to me and you listen good! Those gullible twits who tune into us think that...

Lord Rupert, we're live on the air.

We are? Damn it all to...

Lord Rupert? Master? Um, we've lost Lord Rupert. Finally, author, sage, and dominatrix Ann Coulter was heckled out of yet another speech at yet another university by yet more commie pinko students with no time on their hands. In the opinion of this anchor, those kids need a good tasering. Mistress Coulter had this to say, when our cameras found her staring at herself in the mirror.

Oh, yes, you are the most beautiful and captivating of them all. Yes, you are. If I could only find a way to clone myself I would take myself to dinner, get both of myself drunk and have my way with myself... oh! You're already here. Yes, those idiot Godless liberal brats think they can heckle me out of their Godless liberal universities? Think again!

Stay tuned to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel. Coming up on the O'Reilly Factor, Bill tortures some liberals.