Hacking Scandal
Continues; Unlikely Affected Individuals Speak Out
New York (AP) The Ashley Madison data hacking dilemma
continues to play out throughout the world after the Canadian based marital
cheating website was hacked and personal information stolen by a group calling
itself The Impact Team. Cheating spouses- and their sexual kinks- are being
exposed. Divorce attorneys are crying with joy at the blessing that has
befallen them. In offices and workplaces across the world, guilty parties are
hoping their names haven’t been exposed. Ethics specialists are debating the
notions of invasion of privacy and the consequences of the theft- in terms of
the marriages and the notion of being branded and shamed.
“We’re one step away from The Scarlet Letter,” sociologist Alexandra DiGianna told reporters,
evoking the Nathaniel Hawthorne novel. “People are either being shamed or
living in fear that their incredibly bad mistake having a one night stand is
about to be exposed, and all thanks to a shadowy hacker group who refuse to
identify themselves and act in the role of moral inquisitor. This hacker group
doesn’t care about the potential consequences- suicide, violence, or just the
emotional damage this can do; they’re acting as judge and jury and moral
executioner. On the other hand, hey, cheating cheaters kind of deserve having
their lives thrown into upheaval, don’t you think?”
The former American president Bill Clinton seems amused by
it all. “All I know is I wish this company had been around twenty years ago. I
had to do my own searching and looking for whatever hot young babe I wanted to
score with tonight. Would’ve made things a lot easier. Wait, don’t quote me...
Hillary will kill me if she ever
catches me again... I told you don’t quote me!”
A spokeswoman for Avid Life Media, the parent company of
Ashley Madison, was dismissive over the scandal. “Look, it’s very simple,”
Melody LeClaire told reporters with a contemptuous tone. “We give our clients a
chance to get away from their unhappy lives and screw around behind the backs
of their spouses. Is that so wrong? No, of course not, what’s wrong is a group
of hackers thinking they can mess around with our client list and throw us all
into upheaval. Wait, are you people quoting me?”
While all this plays out, another group of people are
speaking out about the website and its impact on their lives. They are, in
fact, people all bearing the name Ashley Madison. Most of them are, of course,
women, but there are male Ashleys. All of them have, for years, been annoyed by
the site’s existence, and the fact that it degrades their own names. They have
been organizing as of late into a group.
“It’s very simple,” Ashley Madison of New York told
reporters at a gathering of Ashley Madisons in New York City. “It’s not an easy
thing to go through life with the name Ashley Madison to begin with. To be
frank, it’s an adult film star sort of name already.” She paused to let that
sink in. “And really, to have a website devoted to letting unhappily married
people find other unhappily married people to cheat with, and then have that
site hijack your name, it makes it all the more insulting. We want Ashley Madison to stop using our name. Don't make us call in the lawyers.”
Ashley Madison of Montreal agreed. “I’ve been heckled and
teased relentlessly,” she explained. “My friends and family treat this like a
punchline and a joke, and to be perfectly honest with you, I’m thinking I need
new friends and family. Because it’s not funny.”
One of the few males in the group, Ashley Madison of
Charlotte, North Carolina, agrees. “It really isn’t a joke, and yet we’re left
to bear the brunt of ridicule just because of our names. It’s only getting
worse the longer this thing goes on. And for a guy, let me tell you, already
having the name Ashley is bad enough.” Asked by reporters where the name comes
from, Mr Madison admitted, “My parents were big Gone With The Wind fans. So my full name is Ashley Wilkes Madison.
Imagine going through life named after a sad sack character stuck in a story
featuring Scarlett O’Hara.”
“I’m a primary school teacher,” Ashley Madison of St. Paul,
Minnesota told reporters. She sounded irritated. “For years, I’ve had to
explain to parents that no, I’m not
that Ashley Madison, that I have no
account with them, and that I would never want
one. And yet with this nonsense going on, I’ve got stuck up prudish parents
demanding I be fired from my job just
because of my name. What is this?
When did this society drift into The
Scarlet Letter?”
Strangely, the only big exposure thus far in the Ashley
Madison affair has been the inexplicably famous Josh Duggar- former reality
show star, sanctimonious self righteous hypocrite, and occasional molester of
female relatives. The ugly twit (honestly, who would want to willingly shag Josh Duggar? He looks like he was hit by an ugly stick forty thousand times) from a dysfunctional family who
had political aspirations before his particular habits were exposed to the
press has his name among the list of users of Ashley Madison. The
Duggar family, still desperately trying to get back into reality television
with their small army of fundamentalist whackjob clan members, issued a brief
statement on their facebook page. “We are shocked
that anyone dares to criticize our
righteous and holy family, that anyone dares
delve into our private lives. Josh has made some mistakes, but the important
thing is that’s in the past and he’s been forgiven and whatever damage has been
done doesn’t matter anymore, because like we said, that’s in the past. By the
way, we’re going to put a Duggar in the White House in 2024! Definitely a male Duggar, because the only thing girls are good for are breeding.”
Hollywood has gotten into the act. Director Penny Marshall
is on board to direct When Ashley Met
Ashley, a new romantic comedy about the hacking scandal reuniting the stars
of The Hunger Games, Jennifer
Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth. “It’s a great idea,” Lawrence told reporters. “Two
misfits brought together by the fact that they have the same name as a cheaters
website. We’re going to have a lot of fun. And I get to work with Liam again,
which is good. Usually I’m cast alongside Bradley Cooper, and let’s face it,
that guy’s a dirtbag.”
Reached for comment, Cooper, who’s currently filming The Hangover Part Four: Sleazier, Raunchier,
and Uncut, sounded irritated. “She said what?”
The Ashley Madison matter has had at least one happy ending
(not that kind of happy ending, get your minds out of the gutter). Ashley
Madison, a doctor in Boston, came into contact with Ashley Madison, professor
of history at Harvard. The two women hit it off, and Professor Madison proposed
marriage to Doctor Madison. The two are getting married next spring, and spoke
with reporters at the gathering of Ashley Madisons. “We’re very happy,” Doctor
Madison said.
“It might sound very odd,” Professor Madison admitted.
“Falling in love with someone and then marrying them, when both of you have the
same name. And we’re probably going to have to figure out the mail thing- I
mean, a letter could be meant for her, for instance, when I might be thinking
of opening it.”
Doctor Madison shrugged. “We’ll sort that out. It’s strange,
that our mutual dislike of having our names dragged through the mud by this
sleazy excuse for a website led us to meet each other... who knows if we’d met
otherwise?”
North of the border, and out west, reporters sought out a
man who’s often been confused for someone else for his comment. Legendary
Mountie Lars Ulrich was found at his detachment, seeming to be as cranky as
ever when he noticed the arrival of a horde of reporters and met them outside.
“If any of you ask me one damned thing about
Metallica, I’ll rip you in half,” he warned in a low, angry voice.
It was quickly established that the horde of reporters were,
in fact, real reporters who fully understood that the Mountie was an entirely
different Lars Ulrich than the half deaf and slightly demented Metallica
drummer. The Ashley Madison matter was brought up, and the inspector was asked
about his perspective in going through life with a name that was constantly
mistaken for someone else. The inspector pondered that a moment, and then said,
“As irritating as it is to be mistaken for a demented drummer who doesn’t look
like me, at least it’s not as annoying as this would be.”
There was a stir among the crowd, and another reporter
arrived with a cameraman. “Lars! Lars! Skip Collins, Entertainment Tonight!” Inspector Ulrich looked irritated. The real
reporters backed up, both for their own safety, but also to give the Inspector
plenty of room to strike. “The question everyone wants to know... will
Metallica be involved in the soundtrack for When
Ashley Met Ashley?”
The Inspector threw his first punch, sending Collins flying.
Five minutes later he was done, his annoyance satisfied. Collins is expected to
be in a body cast for the next six months in hospital, no doubt having
nightmares about an angry man in red serge.
