Last Stand Of The Internet Scammer

 

One wonders what led them to choose this rather deplorable line of work. I refer of course to the repugnant people classified as homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus- the classic internet scammer and spammer. Do they have no real job? No friends? No direction in life? Is this what they've come to? Endlessly spamming pointless crap we're not interested in to begin with in the form of generic comments in our blogs. Sending us, along with hundreds of thousands of other random souls, the same form email that promises fortune and glory- if you're dumb enough to believe it. Such is the case with the following bit of nonsense, which turned up in my email some weeks back.

Attention Please,

This email you have received is from Lakoma Island Investments on
behalf of the winner of January 13, 2023 - $1.348 billion ($723.5
million cash) Maine jackpot lottery.

See link below for verification:
https://www.cbsnews.com/boston/news/mega-millions-maine-jackpot-winner-comes-forward/

We are giving the sum $1,500,000.00 (One Million Five hundred
Thousand US Dollars) each to some selected individuals as
donation.

You have been luckily selected via the mail system to receive the
sum of $1,500,000.00 (One Million Five hundred Thousand US
Dollars).

Note that you are required to contact Mr. John Wearn with your
donation code and personal contact details for claim.

THIS IS YOUR DONATION CODE: 2023-1.5-MIL/WIN/LII/5

You have to contact him directly with the information below.
Name : Mr. John Wearn
Email : Email : lejohnw01@aliyun.com

Note: PLEASE BEWARE OF SCAMMERS, YOU HAVE TO CONTACT MR. JOHN
WEARN DIRECTLY WITH THE EMAIL GIVEN ABOVE.

Regards,
Lakoma Island Investments.

Once again, the lottery scam gambit. First, yes, there was a winner of such a jackpot, and yes, they formed a holding company to claim their winnings anonymously. That's pretty much where any truth to this ends. Because this nonsense is not coming from anyone actually representing that winner, who is probably hiding from people they haven't spoken to for twenty years looking to mooch off them. And can you blame them? Would you want to be taking calls from those goofballs you knew in high school suddenly showing up telling you they've got this great idea, and all they need is a six figure investment? Of course not.

No, this is a scammer. Because they're sending this random email out to hundreds of thousands of random emails through "the mail system". Not only that, but "as donation. Not "as a donation", but "as donation." Because that's how someone with a command of the English language would phrase it. 

Our scumbag scammer, who's totally not named John Wearn, gives us a weird email address to reply back to with that totally fake donation code. Because there's no money. Except the four figure "administration fee" that the suckers who actually believe this crap will have to shell out to the scammer. Who will then disappear into the ether.

By which time, the mark will have realized they've been conned, and will have gone to the police, and will be inconsolable and wondering how they're going to get back the money they lost in this whole fiasco. And the police, meanwhile, who have seen all of this before, will shake their heads, and try not to say, "what were you thinking?" As tempting as it may be to do so, because let's face it, this is pretty obvious as scams go, and you really ought to know better.

But by then, the scammer will be long gone, having had left behind a long line of phony email accounts and starting on the next run of scam emails. 

Nice try, jerkoff, but honestly, we are wise to your ways. And you are a complete scumbag. Deep down you know this. Deep down you know that this is why everyone you know hates you, and why none of them will miss you when you're dead.

Not that you'll ever admit to it. 

So why don't you do us a favour? 

Since odds are this crap is coming from someone in one of the former Soviet republics, why don't you apply for work with the Wagner Group? I hear they're looking for hard workers. And trying to fill the position of the boss.

The Unreliable Sweden Scammer

 

They are a plague upon the universe. A pestilence that proves to be more irritating and everlasting than the plagues of Egypt. I speak of course of the vile lot we refer to as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus. That repugnant subspecies of human that can only make a living with endless spam and scams, sent in random emails and random comments on our posts and other places across the web. How did these people operate before the internet? Random phone calls? And before that, random telegrams? And before that, random mail?

They never take a hint and just go away. No, they persist in their nonsense. Such as the following, which found its way into my email a few days back.

Attention Box Beneficiary,

The Swedish Maritime Administration (Swedish:Sjцfartsverket)/Task Force wishes to notify you that we have busted and impounded an American ship for illegal maritime practices, the incident took place here at the Swedish maritime administration border with russia.

On board we have discovered over 10,000 consignment boxes among which two were found to carry your name as it aim to be deliver to the Ukrainian government to aid their Russian war, please kindly Authenticate yourself with a copy of passport, Drivers license and utility bill, also your phone and home address so we can direct you on the requirement for clearance and  delivery.

Regards,
Magnus Anderson
Marine Pilot & Managing director
Anderson Maritime Consulting AB

Well then, where to begin? For starters, the responding email was not listed to one Magnus Anderson, which of course is a huge red flag where these things are concerned. It's just the first in a long line of emails addresses leading back to the semi-literate spammer who sent this. 

There is a Magnus Anderson, and an Anderson Maritime Consulting in Sweden. You wonder how he feels about having his name co-opted in a scam email. Because that's precisely what this is. There are some of the usual tell-tales. The email that's overly formal but doesn't read as if it's written by someone with a command of the English language. Punctuation, capitalization of the wrong words.... the usual hallmarks.

And from a glance at the real Magnus Anderson's bona fides, Swedish or not, that guy would be fluent in English. He'd know well enough how to write an email that doesn't set off scammer alarm bells. But then he wouldn't be sending an email like this. Because he's too damned busy to be sending random emails to people.

No, this scammer hiding behind his name tells us a story about how the Swedes have impounded an American ship for "illegal maritime practices", and how among 10 000 consignment boxes there are a couple of them with my name on them. This is made more complicated by the suggestion that they were bound for the Ukraine to help in the war against Russia (see, scammer? It's not that hard to capitalize a country name).

This is fascinating to me. Because when I read that these were bound for the Ukraine to help in their war against the Russkies, I'm thinking weapons. And that baffles me, because I wasn't aware that I'm an arms dealer. But according to this scammer, two of those boxes came from me.

First it's a line of bull. There are no ten thousand boxes, there's just a story that's going to inevitably wind up in this scammer hoping I'll send a few thousand dollars along as a processing fee to allow these totally non-existent arms to be sent forward.

And second, while they're not trotting out money, they are now resorting to a different aspect of the internet scammer modus operandi: using the Ukraine-Russian war as their source material.

Now I'll cheerfully admit I'm on the side of the Ukraine in this whole thing. That petty little man in the Kremlin (emphasis on little), bent on getting even with the world, insists on making things worse for himself by carrying on a war that's not gone his way from the start. What that petty little man deserves is two rounds in the back of the head courtesy of anyone in his country with nothing to lose and an opportunity. but that's beside the point.

Because handing over copies of your passport, license, utility bills, etc. to a complete stranger online is a way to put yourself on the fast track to identity theft, loss of your savings, and things even less pleasant. And that's what would happen.

Nice try. Really, points for creativity. Plus let's face it, this is just the beginning. Soon we'll see the  emails coming from Cancer Widow of a former minister/ politician/ general of either side of the Ukraine conflict, flooding our junk email. Because that's what spammers do- take a real tragedy and try to exploit it. Assuming they can find someone gullible enough among the half million random email addresses they send such things to who'll actually believe the con.

In an ideal world, whoever you really are (because you're not Magnus Anderson), you'd get what you'd have coming to you. An encounter with an angry Kraken.

But unfortunately Krakens are fictional.

Frozen Skeletons And Doped Russians

The Winter Olympics are now over, and I thought I would do an image blog for the occasion. I don't think Tsar Vladimir would approve.

The Daring Escape Of An Lunatic Scientist

Mad Scientist Escapes Custody, Vows Revenge On Enemies

Berlin (Reuters) The world is reeling from news of the escape from prison of a notorious mad scientist in Germany. Magnus Von Malice, the super villain alumnus of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The Ethically Challenged, the sociopathic and egomaniacal scientist whose attempts at world domination have run the gauntlet from bringing z-list celebrities back from the dead, stealing million dollar coins, arms dealing, and endless tirades, was arrested several months ago after a previous escape from prison. He and his minions stole a million dollar Canadian coin from a German museum, and Von Malice’s plans and threats against the world were thwarted thanks to the timely intervention of the world’s most relentless lawman.

Von Malice and his associates had been charged with multiple counts and imprisoned pending trial in Germany. Von Malice himself had been spending several months in a body cast after an epic beat down, still recovering in recent weeks while his body was mending. Police are still investigating the means of his escape after a daring breakout achieved by an unknown number of intruders at the hospital wing of the prison where he had been held pending trial.

While Von Malice is on the run, numerous figures around the world have responded to the crisis. Chancellor Merkel seemed dismayed and irritated, which might well be her default setting. “I want answers about how this could have happened,” she told reporters. “How hard is it to keep such a man confined? This man still had broken bones mending! Now he’s out there making threats and making more plans and doing whatever mad scientists do! Do I have to remind you he’s built death rays and interfered with time itself to resurrect pointless celebrities? What else is he capable of?”

Actor- if you want to call him an actor- David Hasselhoff, who was one of the z-list celebrities resurrected by Von Malice, had his own statement on the matter. He was still mending himself, after an altercation with Sharknado co-star Ian Ziering at a promotional event for the latest sequel left the former television heart throb with facial injuries still mending. “People need to just back off and leave Magnus alone!” Hasselhoff said. “He’s not a bad guy! He brought the Hoff back from the dead, after all, and the Hoff being in the world is a great thing!”

Russian president and sometime super villain himself, Vladimir Putin, was evasive about Von Malice when asked if he was giving sanctuary to the mad scientist. “Look, it is very simple, da? One does not give straight answers when one is asked about old poker playing friend and occasional lunatic? Magnus Von Malice may or may not be in Russian territory, da? How should I know? Do you think I know everything that happens in Mother Russia? That would mean I would have spies everywhere reporting on everything, and that is just silly.” He laughed, and not in a good way, but more in the kind of way that made you think he was considering the brutal death of someone who had cut him off in traffic.

The current occupant of the Oval Office (for the moment, anyway) has been busy tweet-screaming at military widows, football players, and pretty much anyone else who’s been irritating him, not to mention contending with looming indictments and the Mueller investigation. And yet that hasn’t stopped him from issuing Twitter statements on the matter. “Manhunt on Magnus very unfair!” Trump wrote at three in the morning yesterday. “Magnus is a very fine guy! Good guy! Gave my campaign lots of money, bigly covfefe!” Another tweet following that noted: “Blame Crooked Hillary and Obama! Lock them up! Lock them up! Fake news!” The tweets that followed that became even less coherent until ending at four thirty with a final one: “Lyin’ Ted hates rabbits!”

In the morning, a press briefing was very brief, with White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders coming in and telling reporters, “The President’s Twitter account was hacked. We believe Hillary Clinton did it, and we are demanding she be arrested and perp walked by the FBI before the entire world. That’s what the president told me to say. Now off the record, if any of you can think of any places that might hire me in a month or two, let me know. I don’t think this job is going to last much longer. Thanks, no questions, bye.”

The supervillain himself made contact with the world at large through a video transmitted from an unknown location. He was sitting in a large arm chair in a comfortably furnished room, petting a ferret. His long black and silver hair was disheveled, and he was dressed in dark slacks and a turtleneck. “People of the world! It is I, the unparalleled genius that is Magnus Von Malice! Only I, the greatest mind this world has ever produced, could have escaped from custody! Only I, the leading figure of the age, could be so audacious! You cannot keep me contained. No one can stop me! For I, Magnus Von Malice, am utterly unstoppable!” He began to laugh, until his face seemed to strain in pain and he clutched his side. “Oh, damn…. My ribs. Still healing up, you see. But that does not matter! For I have demands to make!”

For another thirty minutes, Von Malice went on and on, bragging about himself and his intellect, to the point where one might think he needed to seriously dial back on the ego. Finally he got to the demands. “In the past I have insisted on sole ownership of entire countries and massive amounts of money or I would wreck havoc with the world. You refused. Instead you sent that… policeman after me. Now I will not be satisfied with just getting my hands on France, or turning the people of Denmark into playing the part of my personal chess set. I will not be satisfied with trillions of dollars handed over to me.”

He paused, glared at the screen, petting the ferret. “I will give the governments and the people of the world precisely two weeks from today. You will surrender all control of your countries to me. You will surrender all wealth to me. There is to be no negotiation, no conditions. Only I, Magnus Von Malice, can lead the world forward into the future. I will be satisfied with nothing less than total and complete world domination!” He laughed again, until the pain of mending ribs stopped him. “Ah…. Ah, that’s better. And one more thing. I want that Mountie. I want Lars Ulrich. I want revenge. I want him handed over to me. I want to strap him to a rocket and send him into the sun. You will hand him over to me so that I can end his existence. Is that clear? Welcome to the new age. The Age of Von Malice!” He started laughing, until the ferret leapt out of his hands and started clawing his face. “Owww! Somebody get Hugo off me! Stop that! Stop it, Hugo! Stop! Bad ferret!”

The video ceased at that point. Governments of the world began to debate the demands. The president of France recommended an immediate surrender. The American president tweeted, “Crooked Hillary!” The Russian president looked addled after viewing the rant and was said to have run away to the nearest reinforced bunker. 

And at an RCMP detachment in the Alberta foothills, a gruff Mountie was cautiously approached by reporters for comment. Upon being reassured that the reporters knew full well that he was not that other Lars Ulrich, the Inspector’s glare lessened. “It’s on my to-do list,” Inspector Lars Ulrich simply stated. “1: Find Magnus Von Malice. 2: Kick the crap out of Magnus Von Malice. And 3: make Magnus Von Malice cry. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get at it.” In the opinion of this reporter, Von Malice might be in a world of trouble.

That Lost Art Of Diplomacy

World Strives To Avert Crisis In Ukraine; Wingnut Blowhard Urges War On Canadian Mountie

London (Reuters) As the diplomatic community continues to deal with the ongoing Crimean crisis and the movements of Russian President Vladimir Putin to annex the peninsula and his intentions towards the Ukraine, unorthodox methods have been considered through the United Nations as a whole, and various world powers. American Secretary of State Kerry remains in high level negotiations with his counterpart, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, to resolve the situation. Nations throughout Eastern Europe, once part of the Soviet sphere of influence, worry about what Putin may have in mind for their lands. Western leaders are anxious about the possibilities that Putin might cut off oil and natural gas to their nations if they press him too hard. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper remains hellbent on playing the part of the cold warrior, demanding that President Putin build up a wall just so he can tell him to tear down this wall. 

Experts suggest that the invasion of Crimea and the ongoing unrest in Ukraine have been Putin's form of overcompensation. After the closing ceremonies at the Sochi Winter Olympics, in which Putin's bid for world domination was brought to a halt by legendary RCMP inspector Lars Ulrich- to the point where Putin was personally humiliated in front of the world by losing control of his bladder- sources say he was so furious at the humiliation that he sought to gain back his position in a big way through a military operation. "It's the thing with Russian leaders," retired British diplomat Sir Geoffrey St. John-Marlborough noted. "They wish to be respected and feared. Emphasis on feared. Vladimir Putin is no different."

The suggestion has been made in some quarters to send in the proverbial cavalry, the one man who can reduce Vladimir Putin to tears: Inspector Ulrich. "He has broken Putin's spirit with one glare," Ursula Kletchko, president of the Ukraine-American Association remarked. "Think of what he can do if we let him skydive into the Kremlin, kick butt, and take some names. I suspect Putin would exile himself to a Siberian gulag just to get away from him."

Penelope Rhys-Hughes, a professor of diplomatic history at Oxford, respectfully disagrees with the suggestion of sending in the Inspector. "We could keep that in mind as a contingency, but at this point, it's better to just allow diplomacy to run its course. Besides, I believe that if Lars Ulrich were to parachute into the Kremlin, beat up Vladimir Putin, and drive him into exile... the Russian people might ask him to take on the job, and we'd end up with a Tsar Lars the First."

Right wing blowhard Rush Limbaugh snorted in derision at the idea of the Mountie being sent into Russia on his radio talk show. "My friends, this is just typical of those godless commie socialist liberal liars. Instead of having the guts to stand up to a guy who's only doing what he thinks is right- and that's what Putin's doing, by the way- they entertain the notion of having an even more commie foreigner go after Putin. And he is a commie. Because this ***** Mountie wears red, and as I've always told you, red is the colour of a commie, the sort of person our beloved Saint Ronald Reagan spent his life fighting. Well, his life after Hollywood. How dare these people suggest we trust a commie socialist Canadian with such a job? Well, I've had it! You hear me out there, dittoheads? I've had it with this whole notion of glorifying this Communist menace in a uniform. So I want every single one of you to cross that Canadian border, find that ******* Lars Ulrich and kick his ass! I'll be right behind you, just as soon as I find my heart medication. I might've mixed it in with my Viagra and the uppers and downers... did I say that out loud?"

Conservative mouthpiece and dominatrix Ann Coulter had her own take on the matter in remarks to the press. "We have ways of keeping this Ulrich occupied so we can continue our primary mission of destroying the President's reputation and poisoning the political atmosphere in the country for decades to come... wait, did I say that out loud?" She paused and composed herself. "It's very simple. As long as Vladimir behaves himself over there and lets us go about our business destroying our President, we don't care about Crimea. At least until we can get a Republican back in the White House, undermine civil rights for eight years, and go to war for no reason. Did I mention we love war? So even if it takes my bedding down with the enemy, I'm perfectly willing to seduce Lars Ulrich to keep him distracted. I mean, have you looked at the guy? I wouldn't kick him out of bed for singing O Canada."

Inspector Ulrich was found at his detachment in Alberta, throttling a Metallica groupie who mistook him for the drummer. When reporters assured him that they knew he was not a heavy metal drummer, and informed him what Coulter proposed, he rolled his eyes and said in a terse way, "Not if she was the last human being on the planet."

The British have been heavily involved in the diplomatic process as well, with mixed results. Their Secretary of State was in Moscow this week for meetings with Lavrov and Putin. Putin stormed out of the talks, furious. "We will not be disrespected in such a way by the British!" he shouted to reporters in Russian as he strode past them at the Kremlin. "A minister who cannot be understood is no sign of respect at all!"

Secretary Beaker emerged from the room to find the press waiting for him. The Muppet with the red hair and crazy look in his eyes stared at everyone, and summed it all up in a few words. "Meep! Meep meep meep meep! Meep meep!"