Brexit Stage Left, Pursued By A Boris

Britain stumbles along towards Brexit, Prime Minister Loses Confidence And Balance

London (Reuters) The Brexit fiasco continues. It has already cost two prime ministers their jobs after a yes vote to leaving the European Union drove Great Britain into turmoil following the 2016 referendum. Entire regions of the country voted against the measure, which some have said should have never even been called for in the first place. Proponents for the Leave side of things, including present Prime Minister Boris Johnson, have blundered their way through things as much as those who were on the Remain side of things.

Johnson has only recently taken office as prime minister, after the ousting of former PM Theresa May. He promptly sacked the two time foreign secretary, a highly regarded figure in British society, declared that Brexit would proceed with or without a deal by October 31^st, tried to prorogue Parliament, and got slapped down by the highest courts for doing so. Members of his own Conservative party have turned on him, removing his working majority, and the accident prone Johnson has threatened to call an election over the matter.

Finding himself with enemies at every quarter and a deepening state of unpopularity among the British public, the perennially clumsy and gaffe prone Johnson is a man under siege. Bets are already being taken as to how long his time in office will last. “Not near as long as May,” is the common word on the street and in the bookie shops. Long odds are being given to anyone betting he’ll still be in the job by the first year anniversary of his coming into it.

“It’s a disgrace,” Oxford professor of political science Gerald Featherstonehaugh admitted. “This never needed to happen in the first place. Whatever differences the country had with Europe as a whole could have been talked over, negotiated, smoothed out. This should have never gone to a referendum. And now what you’re seeing throughout the country is a lot of regret about the initiative going to a ballot in the first place. It’s almost as big a disgrace as having that foppish jackass in the PM’s office.”

Former PM David Cameron, who led the Remain side of things and saw the referendum go so horribly wrong, agrees. “We made a terrible mistake in even entertaining the idea. We let rogue politicians and isolationist parties get the better of us.  I take responsibility for that. And now we’re all paying the price for a bad decision. The amount of turmoil we’re seeing in the country is a reflection of that.”

Theresa May was less civil when reached by phone for comment. Apparently still stinging over a forced resignation that ended her time in office, she simply told this reporter, “go **** yourself, *******.”

Johnson seemed harried and stressed out when facing the press outside Ten Downing Street. Having had lost his working majority in Parliament to rebel Conservative members, and facing the venom and wrath of an electorate that seems to hate him more by the hour, Johnson is clearly not having a good time of it these days. “Look, the important thing is that all of this is going to work. We’re going to get out of Europe and have our cake and eat it too. With tea and scones. Believe me, when you’re in a situation like this, it’s always best to go into it with no plan whatsoever. And that’s what the whole Leave thing was about in the first place. Having absolutely no plan whatsoever.”

“You realize you said that out loud?” this reporter asked.

“Said what?” Johnson asked, looking confused. He looks confused a lot.

“That you had no plan at all for actually leaving Europe when you started this whole thing,” this reporter prompted.

“I did not!” Johnson objected.

“Yes you did,” every reporter said in unison.

Johnson seemed even more befuddled, looking around, sputtering a bit before backing away from the podium. “You’re all just out to get me! Like everyone else is. Well, I won’t have it, do you hear me? I won’t be treated this way!” He turned around, started back for the door, and got his leg caught in an electric cord, tripping and hitting the ground. A moment later he started screaming and holding his knee and his nose. “Help, help!” he called out. “I got an ow-ow!”

The prime minister was taken to hospital, where it turned out he had indeed broken his left knee and his nose. He was heard to be speculating that his injuries might get him sympathy votes. Not according to the latest polls, which find most citizens want to see him locked up at the Tower of London in the stocks.

“The man is an insufferable jackass and simpleton,” Featherstonehaugh lamented. “We need dignity restored to the office. We need a leader who can come back, who can go to Brussels with heart in hand and just say, ‘we were wrong, let’s get this all sorted out.’ If you ask me, the leader we need is our former foreign secretary. Best man for the job. Dignified, articulate, reasonable, a man of calm nerves and steady mind. But having had been ousted twice already, I don’t see how he’d want to come back.”

The former foreign secretary was approached by reporters for his own comment. Presently enjoying a life of quiet retirement writing his memoirs at his country estate in Devonshire, the diminutive redhead with the intense stare paused before speaking.

“Meep! Meep meep meep meep meep!!! Meep meep!!”

Final Farewell For A Red Shirt

How do we say goodbye to Lieutenant Chapman?

Back in the days of sailing ships, captains would conduct funerals for sailors lost in action. Burial at sea, as they called it. These days we’re launching coffins out of starships and sending them falling into stars or onto planets. Come to think of it, that’s probably not a good idea. What if it crashes into a religious site on a pre-warp civilization planet and ends up leaving them irritated with the Federation?

Anyway, that’s beside the point.

Lieutenant Chapman graduated top in his class at the Academy with an emphasis on becoming a security officer. That would mean going out in the stars in starships… as a red shirt.

They say red shirts don’t last long out there in the stars. They seem to be cannon fodder. They seem to die a lot on away missions on planets far from home. They meet horrible endings at the hands of mysterious beings or in engineering mishaps. They seem to lurk in the background around the core of the command. At least until they meet grisly ends.

They say being a red shirt is a curse. Well, I say that’s a superstition, and this is supposed to be an age without superstition. I mean, if all red shirts were meant to die, how do you explain Scotty? He’s still alive and well and sneaking gulps from that flask he carries. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the flask, Mr. Scott. We need to talk about your drinking habits.

Lieutenant Chapman survived it all. Space engagements with the Klingons and Romulans. Skirmishes on distant worlds with the Ferengi. Wait a minute, have they been written into the continuity yet? Somebody ask Gene.

He survived that diplomatic incident we had with the Andorians that left them not talking to us for a year. I mean, just because he tripped and knocked the ambassador over didn’t mean they had to ignore us. What a bunch of ingrates. He survived the telepathic aliens trying to alter our minds, and the mirror universe Spock. He survived that warp core explosion that took out twenty-three of our red shirts in engineering last year. Which reminds me, we need more red shirts. Both the shirts, and officers to wear them. We’re running out of both.

Lieutenant Chapman survived that time we were on Talos Prime and the toga wearing aliens pitted us all against each other. On a related note, what is it about aliens in togas? If this was a television show, you’d think the costume department was being run on the cheap. He survived that whole mishap with Khan. Which reminds me, do you think Khan’s going to be pissed off someday about the whole abandoning him and his people thing if we go back to Ceti Alpha Five?

Chapman survived the volcanic eruption on Gama Prime. He escaped from the giant spiders on Theta Seven that ate six of our red shirts. He even managed to get away from those phaser arms dealers on Nexos Two. I was busy making out with their princess, so thanks to Spock and Bones for handling that with their usual decorum and tact. He even survived that encounter with the Daleks, which we can’t talk about, because the other studio never signed off on that crossover. Wait a minute, I didn’t write that. Spock, who wrote this? What do you mean, someone’s breaking the Fourth Wall? What’s a Fourth Wall? Where’s... the logic... in that?

I’m getting off track. Back to Lieutenant Chapman. Truly one... of the luckiest red shirts around. But luck ran out. Maybe it’s true. Maybe being a red shirt means putting a target on your back.

Maybe death, or fate, or whatever it is, is more than just an allegorical figure in a black robe, stalking us when our time is up. Maybe death sees red shirts as easy pickings, an old Earth expression.

Maybe it’s just inevitable.

Lieutenant Chapman knew the risks of being a Federation security officer. He knew the high death tolls associated with being a red shirt. But he did his duty with courage and integrity and fortitude. He saw his fellow red shirts die in awful ways. He knew the stories about being turned to rock and fed to giant lizards and transporter accidents and warp breaches and all that.

And still he served.

Until the day the Klingons attacked us again.

Oh, sure, the day was ours. We fought them off. Kicked their asses.

But not before they did damage to the Enterprise.

Including blasting a hole in the ship that sucked Lieutenant Chapman out into the void of space.

Without a space suit.

They say being out in space, unprotected, is a horrible way to die. Blood boiling, arteries bursting under pressure. You’ve got just enough time for your life to flash before your eyes and your head bursts. Well, it’s probably for the best that we’re committing Chapman’s remains to the orbit of the nearest star. His family wouldn’t want to see what’s left of him.

Crew of the Enterprise, we bid farewell to one of our own. Again. This seems to happen a lot.

To Lieutenant Angus Argyle Chapman. Thank you for your service. Say hello to the rest of the red shirts in whatever afterlife comes after this, because Gene was never really all that clear on Federation ideas about death. Whoever this Gene guy is. Spock, is Gene the guy who’s breaking through this Fourth Wall?

Before we send Chapman off into the cold vacuum of space, again, I’d just like to add that as he was an officer with seniority and service, he had his own quarters. Those quarters will be given to the winner of the first annual Enterprise Red Shirt Thunderdome Match. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m off to seduce the daughter of the Andorian ambassador, so may the best red shirt not die.

Baby Eating Dingos In The Gene Pool

I have an image blog today. Enjoy!