Megxit 2020: Grandma Lizzie Is Mad

The following is the latest reason I'll never end up becoming the Canadian governor general. Or if I do, it'll come back to haunt me.

So You Say You Want To Quit The Family Firm

London (Reuters) The fallout of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex announcing they intended to step back from their royal roles continues to be felt among royal watchers, the paparazzi, and the family itself. In what some are describing as the biggest schism in the House of Windsor since the abdication of Edward VIII, Harry and Meghan have informed Her Majesty that they wish to pull away from their duties and split their time between Britain and living in Canada. The rest of the Royal family have been stunned by the turn of events, according to sources.

It’s been a difficult few weeks for the Queen, what with her son Prince Andrew caught up in a scandal surrounding sex allegations with under-aged girls (“Her Majesty is not amused,” one source told this reporter in November). Now the news that Harry and Meghan, two of the more popular members of the family, are running off to Vancouver Island to spend time in pottery and yoga classes, drinking lattes, and effectively turning their backs on royal responsibilities, adds to the difficulties.

Some blame the British tabloid press. It’s a valid point of view, given the bloodthirsty, relentless way they treat the Royals, looking for any scoop. They’ve been particularly ruthless in their treatment of Meghan, given some of her unseemly relatives and their behaviour. But the British press have always been this way where the Royals were concerned. Will they find refuge in Canada, away from the immediate attention from the British tabloids?

“Well, the Canadian press is quite laid back,” Royal watcher Calliope Wentworth-Taylor admitted. “However, living in Canada means they’ll be all the closer to the American tabloid press in Hollywood, and those people are just dreadful. Dreadful, I say. Entertainment reporters who latch onto any story they think they can milk. It’s a ghastly shame. They’ll have Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood camped across from their home day and night.”

Indeed, both entertainment shows have just opened up satellite offices in Victoria, British Columbia, staffing them with teams of entertainment journalists- if you want to call them journalists- on 24/7 Harry and Meghan watch. “How big is this?” ET producer Merry Merrington gushed. “This is like Brad-Angelina-Jennifer times infinity! Or is that divided by infinity? I don’t know, I was never that good at math. Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is we’re going to be on Harry and Meghan watch all the time. We’re going to buy a house in their neighbourhood just so we can ask them questions all the time. There’s no such thing as too much attention, if you ask me, and you are asking me! This is better than sex!”

The Duke and Duchess appear to be giving up the right to be called Their Royal Highnesses, not to mention the considerable funding the Royal Family gets. That’s not to mean they’ll be destitute, as they’re both wealthy in their own right and won’t need to be applying for cashier positions at a Tim Hortons. The question of their security is a matter still up in the air. Will the British government be picking up the tab? The Canadian government? Or the couple themselves. After all, whether or not they’re living a private life, the couple are certain to be targets, and the question of their security is a legitimate one.

Bill Blair, the Minister of Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness, admitted to reporters that the issue is still being sorted out. “We’re in talks with our counterparts in London, as well as the Duke and Duchess to address those needs. Some of our Mounties have been working on contingency plans in case they are called on to form the protective detail for the couple. As to who will be picking up the tab, that’s part of the talks.”

Blair was asked who might head up such a detail, with the names of several high profile Mounties noted by the reporter in question. “I can categorically deny that it’ll be Inspector Ulrich,” Blair stated, referring to the legendary but cranky Mountie known for saving the world from megalomaniacs, beating up gigantic monsters, holding grudges against entertainment reporters, and being mistaken regularly for the Other Lars Ulrich. “First of all, Inspector Ulrich is needed in the capacity that we have him in- a kick ass last line of defense. Second, that detail would expose him to way too many entertainment reporters. And he hates entertainment reporters. I’d rather keep him happy than drive him crazy.”

The last word in the matter belongs to Ulrich himself. Reporters sought him out at his detachment in the Alberta foothills, seeking to confirm whether or not he had been approached for the job. First reassuring the inspector that the press were all aware he was not the Other Lars Ulrich, we asked for his comment. “It was asked. I refused. Hey, they’re a nice couple and all, but daily exposure to morons from the entertainment press would leave me feeling homicidal.”

“Lars! Lars!” It was the voice of someone from outside the circle of reporters, an excitable voice that reminded one of the paparazzi that was the bane of too many existences. Sure enough, someone poked through the crowd, with a cameraman in tow.  He had the general look of your average entertainment reporter: casually dressed, with an utterly clueless expression. “Lars, I’m Nick Nolan, with Access Hollywood. What  everyone wants to know… what does Metallica think of Harry and Meghan ditching the Royals?”

“I am not that Lars Ulrich,” the inspector said, his voice seething, as the real reporters backed up out of the way.

“Are you sure?” Nolan asked.

Ulrich punched him, sending him flying. Nolan started to run, the inspector hot on his heels. When last heard of, Nolan was spending time in a local hospital, bound up in a body cast, whimpering about how London Bridge was falling down.

Beware The Donner Party Scenario

Forecaster Committed To Long Term Mental Health Care, Still Ranting About Weather

Toronto (CP). It is an occupation where you can be wrong 90 percent of the time and still keep your job. It usually requires an affable personality and reassuring tone of voice. Occasionally it attracts those to the job who possess those qualities and don’t panic at the drop of, well… a snowflake. Other times it draws in those who do panic.

Of course, we’re talking about the television weather forecaster.

Harry Benning came to work at the Weather Network in 2009 after several years at a CTV station in Victoria, British Columbia, doing the same job. Perhaps it was living in Victoria that spoiled him and left him unprepared. After all, winters in Victoria are mild, with more rain than snow. And yet even that shouldn’t have been enough to bring out the issues that sprang up in the years that followed.

Because Mr. Benning was working in Toronto. A city that doesn’t really get the hard winters that much of Canada faces. And yet he took a job as one of the network’s daily forecasters, repeating the same forecasts every few minutes for the country as a whole. Probably a boring job, one that makes you wonder: do we really need such a network on television?

However it began, it was slow at first. Benning was known to come across as somewhat anxious when the first snows started, and would only be more or less calm when the spring finally melted the last of the winter’s snowpack. Was it seasonal depression, as some viewers started to ask. Plenty of people have that. He would predict ten centimetres of snow falling in one place or another, and he’d come across as nervous and on edge. Later in the night, another forecaster saying the same forecast for that spot would be calm and reasonable, telling viewers to be careful on the road, but no hint of anxiety.

As time went on, the anxiety seemed to grow, and more viewers noticed that about Benning. And it was no longer confined to winter. He would prattle on about tornados if there was a story about tornados elsewhere in the world. He would give a list of statistics and tell you a dozen different ways a tornado could kill you, as if the tornado was out there stalking you. A volcano erupting across the planet? He would warn you that it could happen in your backyard, even if geologists would tell you that’s simply not the case.

And then came the on-air calls for cannibalism.

It first happened over three years ago. A blizzard was bearing down on eastern Ontario and through Quebec. Benning came on air looking like he hadn’t slept in three days. His tie was askew and his hair was dishevelled. He looked, in short, like hell. He talked about thirty five to fifty centimetres in places, raising his voice at times, warning that what he was calling “Snowpocalypse 2016” could drop three times as much as forecast if it decided it wanted to. As if the blizzard was a living, thinking thing.

Benning told viewers that they had to do whatever it took to stay alive. Loot the stores for bread, milk, and maple syrup. Eat from the dead if that was what it took to survive. He was quickly yanked off the air by producers and assessed for his own mental and physical health. Eventually they let him back on the air. And from time to time, if there was a blizzard forecast, and if he was on the job, he would find himself describing Donner Party scenarios and advise about drawing lots as to who would have to sacrifice themselves so the others could live.

Finally the network had enough. Benning was pulled from the air while in mid rant last month. This time he was remanded to mental health care in a more stringent facility at the request of his wife and children. Crofthaven Mental Hospital treats the most hopeless cases, according to the founder of the Kingston based institution, Doctor Jeremiah Crofthaven. “Our mission is to get the deeply disturbed out of their delusions, their despairs, their conditions, to heal their minds and their hearts and their pancreas and their…. wait, forget the pancreas. It may seem that someone is beyond hope, but our staff have been trained to take the steps needed to give them hope.”

Crofthaven can’t speak of individual patients or their conditions, but this reporter did see Benning escorted by orderlies out of a session with his therapist. “They’re coming!” Benning yelled back to this reporter. “You have to tell them all! They’re coming for us all!” Benning seemed like a man so far out of hope, screaming like the utterly deranged. What he said next just seemed to confirm it.

“The frost giants are going to kill us all!”

Benning was taken down the hall. This reporter noticed Crofthaven beside him. The doctor had seen enough, and sighed, shaking his head. “I’m afraid some of our patients pose more of a challenge than others.”

To say the least. In the opinion of this reporter, Harry Benning is batshit crazy.