Megxit 2020: Grandma Lizzie Is Mad

The following is the latest reason I'll never end up becoming the Canadian governor general. Or if I do, it'll come back to haunt me.

So You Say You Want To Quit The Family Firm

London (Reuters) The fallout of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex announcing they intended to step back from their royal roles continues to be felt among royal watchers, the paparazzi, and the family itself. In what some are describing as the biggest schism in the House of Windsor since the abdication of Edward VIII, Harry and Meghan have informed Her Majesty that they wish to pull away from their duties and split their time between Britain and living in Canada. The rest of the Royal family have been stunned by the turn of events, according to sources.

It’s been a difficult few weeks for the Queen, what with her son Prince Andrew caught up in a scandal surrounding sex allegations with under-aged girls (“Her Majesty is not amused,” one source told this reporter in November). Now the news that Harry and Meghan, two of the more popular members of the family, are running off to Vancouver Island to spend time in pottery and yoga classes, drinking lattes, and effectively turning their backs on royal responsibilities, adds to the difficulties.

Some blame the British tabloid press. It’s a valid point of view, given the bloodthirsty, relentless way they treat the Royals, looking for any scoop. They’ve been particularly ruthless in their treatment of Meghan, given some of her unseemly relatives and their behaviour. But the British press have always been this way where the Royals were concerned. Will they find refuge in Canada, away from the immediate attention from the British tabloids?

“Well, the Canadian press is quite laid back,” Royal watcher Calliope Wentworth-Taylor admitted. “However, living in Canada means they’ll be all the closer to the American tabloid press in Hollywood, and those people are just dreadful. Dreadful, I say. Entertainment reporters who latch onto any story they think they can milk. It’s a ghastly shame. They’ll have Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood camped across from their home day and night.”

Indeed, both entertainment shows have just opened up satellite offices in Victoria, British Columbia, staffing them with teams of entertainment journalists- if you want to call them journalists- on 24/7 Harry and Meghan watch. “How big is this?” ET producer Merry Merrington gushed. “This is like Brad-Angelina-Jennifer times infinity! Or is that divided by infinity? I don’t know, I was never that good at math. Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is we’re going to be on Harry and Meghan watch all the time. We’re going to buy a house in their neighbourhood just so we can ask them questions all the time. There’s no such thing as too much attention, if you ask me, and you are asking me! This is better than sex!”

The Duke and Duchess appear to be giving up the right to be called Their Royal Highnesses, not to mention the considerable funding the Royal Family gets. That’s not to mean they’ll be destitute, as they’re both wealthy in their own right and won’t need to be applying for cashier positions at a Tim Hortons. The question of their security is a matter still up in the air. Will the British government be picking up the tab? The Canadian government? Or the couple themselves. After all, whether or not they’re living a private life, the couple are certain to be targets, and the question of their security is a legitimate one.

Bill Blair, the Minister of Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness, admitted to reporters that the issue is still being sorted out. “We’re in talks with our counterparts in London, as well as the Duke and Duchess to address those needs. Some of our Mounties have been working on contingency plans in case they are called on to form the protective detail for the couple. As to who will be picking up the tab, that’s part of the talks.”

Blair was asked who might head up such a detail, with the names of several high profile Mounties noted by the reporter in question. “I can categorically deny that it’ll be Inspector Ulrich,” Blair stated, referring to the legendary but cranky Mountie known for saving the world from megalomaniacs, beating up gigantic monsters, holding grudges against entertainment reporters, and being mistaken regularly for the Other Lars Ulrich. “First of all, Inspector Ulrich is needed in the capacity that we have him in- a kick ass last line of defense. Second, that detail would expose him to way too many entertainment reporters. And he hates entertainment reporters. I’d rather keep him happy than drive him crazy.”

The last word in the matter belongs to Ulrich himself. Reporters sought him out at his detachment in the Alberta foothills, seeking to confirm whether or not he had been approached for the job. First reassuring the inspector that the press were all aware he was not the Other Lars Ulrich, we asked for his comment. “It was asked. I refused. Hey, they’re a nice couple and all, but daily exposure to morons from the entertainment press would leave me feeling homicidal.”

“Lars! Lars!” It was the voice of someone from outside the circle of reporters, an excitable voice that reminded one of the paparazzi that was the bane of too many existences. Sure enough, someone poked through the crowd, with a cameraman in tow.  He had the general look of your average entertainment reporter: casually dressed, with an utterly clueless expression. “Lars, I’m Nick Nolan, with Access Hollywood. What  everyone wants to know… what does Metallica think of Harry and Meghan ditching the Royals?”

“I am not that Lars Ulrich,” the inspector said, his voice seething, as the real reporters backed up out of the way.

“Are you sure?” Nolan asked.

Ulrich punched him, sending him flying. Nolan started to run, the inspector hot on his heels. When last heard of, Nolan was spending time in a local hospital, bound up in a body cast, whimpering about how London Bridge was falling down.

The Council Of Infinite James Bonds

I have an image blog today. Enjoy!

Brexit Stage Left, Pursued By A Boris

Britain stumbles along towards Brexit, Prime Minister Loses Confidence And Balance

London (Reuters) The Brexit fiasco continues. It has already cost two prime ministers their jobs after a yes vote to leaving the European Union drove Great Britain into turmoil following the 2016 referendum. Entire regions of the country voted against the measure, which some have said should have never even been called for in the first place. Proponents for the Leave side of things, including present Prime Minister Boris Johnson, have blundered their way through things as much as those who were on the Remain side of things.

Johnson has only recently taken office as prime minister, after the ousting of former PM Theresa May. He promptly sacked the two time foreign secretary, a highly regarded figure in British society, declared that Brexit would proceed with or without a deal by October 31^st, tried to prorogue Parliament, and got slapped down by the highest courts for doing so. Members of his own Conservative party have turned on him, removing his working majority, and the accident prone Johnson has threatened to call an election over the matter.

Finding himself with enemies at every quarter and a deepening state of unpopularity among the British public, the perennially clumsy and gaffe prone Johnson is a man under siege. Bets are already being taken as to how long his time in office will last. “Not near as long as May,” is the common word on the street and in the bookie shops. Long odds are being given to anyone betting he’ll still be in the job by the first year anniversary of his coming into it.

“It’s a disgrace,” Oxford professor of political science Gerald Featherstonehaugh admitted. “This never needed to happen in the first place. Whatever differences the country had with Europe as a whole could have been talked over, negotiated, smoothed out. This should have never gone to a referendum. And now what you’re seeing throughout the country is a lot of regret about the initiative going to a ballot in the first place. It’s almost as big a disgrace as having that foppish jackass in the PM’s office.”

Former PM David Cameron, who led the Remain side of things and saw the referendum go so horribly wrong, agrees. “We made a terrible mistake in even entertaining the idea. We let rogue politicians and isolationist parties get the better of us.  I take responsibility for that. And now we’re all paying the price for a bad decision. The amount of turmoil we’re seeing in the country is a reflection of that.”

Theresa May was less civil when reached by phone for comment. Apparently still stinging over a forced resignation that ended her time in office, she simply told this reporter, “go **** yourself, *******.”

Johnson seemed harried and stressed out when facing the press outside Ten Downing Street. Having had lost his working majority in Parliament to rebel Conservative members, and facing the venom and wrath of an electorate that seems to hate him more by the hour, Johnson is clearly not having a good time of it these days. “Look, the important thing is that all of this is going to work. We’re going to get out of Europe and have our cake and eat it too. With tea and scones. Believe me, when you’re in a situation like this, it’s always best to go into it with no plan whatsoever. And that’s what the whole Leave thing was about in the first place. Having absolutely no plan whatsoever.”

“You realize you said that out loud?” this reporter asked.

“Said what?” Johnson asked, looking confused. He looks confused a lot.

“That you had no plan at all for actually leaving Europe when you started this whole thing,” this reporter prompted.

“I did not!” Johnson objected.

“Yes you did,” every reporter said in unison.

Johnson seemed even more befuddled, looking around, sputtering a bit before backing away from the podium. “You’re all just out to get me! Like everyone else is. Well, I won’t have it, do you hear me? I won’t be treated this way!” He turned around, started back for the door, and got his leg caught in an electric cord, tripping and hitting the ground. A moment later he started screaming and holding his knee and his nose. “Help, help!” he called out. “I got an ow-ow!”

The prime minister was taken to hospital, where it turned out he had indeed broken his left knee and his nose. He was heard to be speculating that his injuries might get him sympathy votes. Not according to the latest polls, which find most citizens want to see him locked up at the Tower of London in the stocks.

“The man is an insufferable jackass and simpleton,” Featherstonehaugh lamented. “We need dignity restored to the office. We need a leader who can come back, who can go to Brussels with heart in hand and just say, ‘we were wrong, let’s get this all sorted out.’ If you ask me, the leader we need is our former foreign secretary. Best man for the job. Dignified, articulate, reasonable, a man of calm nerves and steady mind. But having had been ousted twice already, I don’t see how he’d want to come back.”

The former foreign secretary was approached by reporters for his own comment. Presently enjoying a life of quiet retirement writing his memoirs at his country estate in Devonshire, the diminutive redhead with the intense stare paused before speaking.

“Meep! Meep meep meep meep meep!!! Meep meep!!”