Coronation, Whiny Brats, And Kings

The coronation of King Charles III will happen this week. I will not be in attendance. Neither will Nutmeg... I mean, Meghan.

Anyway, here's an image blog for the occasion.

Megxit 2020: Grandma Lizzie Is Mad

The following is the latest reason I'll never end up becoming the Canadian governor general. Or if I do, it'll come back to haunt me.

So You Say You Want To Quit The Family Firm

London (Reuters) The fallout of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex announcing they intended to step back from their royal roles continues to be felt among royal watchers, the paparazzi, and the family itself. In what some are describing as the biggest schism in the House of Windsor since the abdication of Edward VIII, Harry and Meghan have informed Her Majesty that they wish to pull away from their duties and split their time between Britain and living in Canada. The rest of the Royal family have been stunned by the turn of events, according to sources.

It’s been a difficult few weeks for the Queen, what with her son Prince Andrew caught up in a scandal surrounding sex allegations with under-aged girls (“Her Majesty is not amused,” one source told this reporter in November). Now the news that Harry and Meghan, two of the more popular members of the family, are running off to Vancouver Island to spend time in pottery and yoga classes, drinking lattes, and effectively turning their backs on royal responsibilities, adds to the difficulties.

Some blame the British tabloid press. It’s a valid point of view, given the bloodthirsty, relentless way they treat the Royals, looking for any scoop. They’ve been particularly ruthless in their treatment of Meghan, given some of her unseemly relatives and their behaviour. But the British press have always been this way where the Royals were concerned. Will they find refuge in Canada, away from the immediate attention from the British tabloids?

“Well, the Canadian press is quite laid back,” Royal watcher Calliope Wentworth-Taylor admitted. “However, living in Canada means they’ll be all the closer to the American tabloid press in Hollywood, and those people are just dreadful. Dreadful, I say. Entertainment reporters who latch onto any story they think they can milk. It’s a ghastly shame. They’ll have Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood camped across from their home day and night.”

Indeed, both entertainment shows have just opened up satellite offices in Victoria, British Columbia, staffing them with teams of entertainment journalists- if you want to call them journalists- on 24/7 Harry and Meghan watch. “How big is this?” ET producer Merry Merrington gushed. “This is like Brad-Angelina-Jennifer times infinity! Or is that divided by infinity? I don’t know, I was never that good at math. Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is we’re going to be on Harry and Meghan watch all the time. We’re going to buy a house in their neighbourhood just so we can ask them questions all the time. There’s no such thing as too much attention, if you ask me, and you are asking me! This is better than sex!”

The Duke and Duchess appear to be giving up the right to be called Their Royal Highnesses, not to mention the considerable funding the Royal Family gets. That’s not to mean they’ll be destitute, as they’re both wealthy in their own right and won’t need to be applying for cashier positions at a Tim Hortons. The question of their security is a matter still up in the air. Will the British government be picking up the tab? The Canadian government? Or the couple themselves. After all, whether or not they’re living a private life, the couple are certain to be targets, and the question of their security is a legitimate one.

Bill Blair, the Minister of Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness, admitted to reporters that the issue is still being sorted out. “We’re in talks with our counterparts in London, as well as the Duke and Duchess to address those needs. Some of our Mounties have been working on contingency plans in case they are called on to form the protective detail for the couple. As to who will be picking up the tab, that’s part of the talks.”

Blair was asked who might head up such a detail, with the names of several high profile Mounties noted by the reporter in question. “I can categorically deny that it’ll be Inspector Ulrich,” Blair stated, referring to the legendary but cranky Mountie known for saving the world from megalomaniacs, beating up gigantic monsters, holding grudges against entertainment reporters, and being mistaken regularly for the Other Lars Ulrich. “First of all, Inspector Ulrich is needed in the capacity that we have him in- a kick ass last line of defense. Second, that detail would expose him to way too many entertainment reporters. And he hates entertainment reporters. I’d rather keep him happy than drive him crazy.”

The last word in the matter belongs to Ulrich himself. Reporters sought him out at his detachment in the Alberta foothills, seeking to confirm whether or not he had been approached for the job. First reassuring the inspector that the press were all aware he was not the Other Lars Ulrich, we asked for his comment. “It was asked. I refused. Hey, they’re a nice couple and all, but daily exposure to morons from the entertainment press would leave me feeling homicidal.”

“Lars! Lars!” It was the voice of someone from outside the circle of reporters, an excitable voice that reminded one of the paparazzi that was the bane of too many existences. Sure enough, someone poked through the crowd, with a cameraman in tow.  He had the general look of your average entertainment reporter: casually dressed, with an utterly clueless expression. “Lars, I’m Nick Nolan, with Access Hollywood. What  everyone wants to know… what does Metallica think of Harry and Meghan ditching the Royals?”

“I am not that Lars Ulrich,” the inspector said, his voice seething, as the real reporters backed up out of the way.

“Are you sure?” Nolan asked.

Ulrich punched him, sending him flying. Nolan started to run, the inspector hot on his heels. When last heard of, Nolan was spending time in a local hospital, bound up in a body cast, whimpering about how London Bridge was falling down.

The Narcissists And The Curse

It has been quite some time since I last featured the world's most unusual marriage and the pair of narcissists making up the combination. And so here we have it.

Fate Of Show Still Up In The Air; Narcissistic Spouses Could Care Less

Toronto (CP) How long is too long for a television show? Some successful programs come to an end before they wear out their welcome. The common suggestion seems to indicate that seven seasons is a good spot to end, but all too often, with high ratings, studios pressure the production team and cast of a successful show to carry on, even after it has jumped the shark. This probably explains why Grey’s Anatomy is still on the air, airing its fifteenth season.

“It’s like this,” an anonymous source in ABC’s higher echelons confided. “Shonda Rhimes has some serious blackmail material on me. So Grey’s Anatomy stays on the air until she says it’s done, and not one moment earlier. If it was up to me, I’d have cancelled it seven seasons ago. Wait, you’re not going to publish that whole thing about the blackmail material, are you?”

The fate of one show, featuring an alumnus of Grey’s Anatomy, is still up in the air. Suits airs on the USA cable network, and is produced by Universal Cable. Filmed in Toronto, it follows a fictional New York law firm and is presently in its eighth season, with the second half of the season due to return in January. Ratings have declined, as one expects with a show that’s had cast turnover and has been on the air for a few years. Whether or not there will be a season nine remains a question mark. The show is most noted these days for a former cast member who left at the end of the seventh season. Meghan Markle went off to marry Prince Harry, and her character was written out.

Season Eight saw some changes, including the elevation of recurring cast members to regular status and the addition of a character played by a Grey’s cast member. Samantha Wheeler, a conniving attorney, is played by Katherine Heigl. And Katherine Heigl. No, this reporter did not just repeat himself. Two Katherine Heigls take turns playing the character.

Some time ago, the narcissistic actress underwent a strange quest. Heigl had been a running joke for many things: her domineering stage mother, her Grey’s time, a string of box office duds, and the failed series State Of Affairs, to the point where the phrase Heigl Curse had been coined for any project she came near. Heigl employed the services of former physics professor Doctor Otto von Frankenstein (no relation), a self-described expert in parallel realities. Frankenstein succeeded in breaching dimensional walls so that Heigl could find her one true love- herself.

The two Katherine Heigls have spent the last four years together, ignoring the stage mother of this reality’s Katherine Heigl, getting married in what they called the Wedding of the Millennium, engaging in public displays of affection and debauchery, fawning all over each other, and occasionally receiving citations for public nudity. They’ve even shared roles, playing Samantha Wheeler in turn. The fact that they look exactly alike helps considerably. Whether or not it endears them to the rest of the cast is a different matter.

Doctor Frankenstein, removed from his tenured post in Vienna for committing an act that breached all ethics of his profession, is apologetic these days. “I did warn her that if anything went wrong, reality could collapse in on itself, but she was more concerned with finding herself- literally- so she could have her way with herself.” The scientist seemed remorseful when reached by phone at his chalet in the Alps. “Look, it could have all been worse. My scans indicated a world where its Katherine Heigl had become all powerful and was worshiped as a goddess. That would be even worse than the multiverse collapsing in on itself, right?”

“It’s a spectacle,” one cast member admitted on set in Toronto, where filming for the second half of Season Eight continues. “The two of them are all over each other all the time. I mean, we’ve walked in on them, in flagrante delicto. I think they like being watched. On the one hand, okay, to each their own, but on the other hand, how about a little workplace professionalism?”

Another cast member, also speaking anonymously, seemed dismayed. “I can see why nobody over at Grey’s wants her… well, now it’s them… back on the show. I mean, yes, actors do tend to be self-absorbed, but this is on a scale that’s ridiculous.”

Canadian psychologist Ciara Derrick, a specialist in narcissism among the rich and famous, agrees. “Invariably actors, once they’ve become successful, tend to fall prey to the trap of ego. Often it becomes out of control. The classic case example is Tom Cruise, who has become, to use a clinical term, batshit crazy,” she told this reporter at her offices in Toronto. 

“Fortunately in the case of extreme egos, such as Mr. Cruise, or the Heigls, there are people in the industry who tend to keep serious narcissists from working on the same project. By the same token, studios make sure that none of them will ever work with Michael Bay. It’s about maintaining peace and good order on set- an entire safety protocol has been built into the industry for this sort of thing. They learned that in Hollywood the hard way after the Judy Garland and John Wayne fiasco of 1948.”

That is a reference to the failed movie musical Cowboys In Central Park, a project which MGM spent years trying to deny ever existed. Rumours to this day persist that in some forgotten corner of a warehouse, a film reel containing one day’s of shooting of the project may still be found. The film shoot came to a bad end on the fourth of February, 1948, when a Category Six Garland Tantrum met a Category Five Wayne Ego Taunt. Sixteen people died in the brawl between the stars that destroyed the set, and ever after, executives went out of their way to keep Garland and Wayne at least six miles apart at all times.

“Fortunately the Heigls are the exception,” Derrick confirmed. “Yes, both Katherine Heigls have rampant egos, but the fact that they are the same person, albeit from different dimensions, means that the two egos cancel each other out and they can live in harmony. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the two of them are exhibitionists who want to show off for the entire world.”

While executives at Universal Cable debate the notion of renewing the series in the face of failing ratings, the narcissists themselves had something to say. Katherine Heigl and Katherine Heigl emerged from their quarters on set, looking a bit disheveled after another round of horizontal tango, but each bearing delirious, self-satisfied smiles. The two walked over to a small group of reporters on set, arms around each other.

“We’ve been hearing the stories,” Katherine Heigl said. Which one she was- this reality or the alternate reality Katherine Heigl- went unexplained. They were both identically dressed, after all, letting their hands wander all over each other. Public displays of affection would be an understatement.

“Sure, maybe the ratings are down a bit, but it’s not our fault,” the other Katherine Heigl said with a shrug.

“That’s right,” her wife agreed. “People love us. Not as much as we love each other, but that’s beside the point.”

“And even if the show gets cancelled, that doesn’t matter. Because we’ve got each other,” Katherine Heigl said.

“And we’re the sexiest women alive,” the other Katherine Heigl noted.

“Every last square inch of us,” the first Katherine announced with a grin.

“Oh, sweetie sex goddess, are you as turned on as I am right now?” her wife inquired.

“More, my ravishing cutie pie!” the first Katherine Heigl replied. The Katherine Heigls started making out, wandered back to their quarters, and were soon engaged in among other things, loud, amorous screaming of each other’s names.

This reporter left, wondering why any studio would let the Katherine Heigls into any project. And by extension, this reporter felt profound sympathy for the citizens of a different reality- assuming Doctor Frankenstein’s notion of that aforementioned parallel reality was true. How could anyone live with themselves in a world where Katherine Heigl was a living goddess?