Coronation, Whiny Brats, And Kings

The coronation of King Charles III will happen this week. I will not be in attendance. Neither will Nutmeg... I mean, Meghan.

Anyway, here's an image blog for the occasion.

Megxit 2020: Grandma Lizzie Is Mad

The following is the latest reason I'll never end up becoming the Canadian governor general. Or if I do, it'll come back to haunt me.

So You Say You Want To Quit The Family Firm

London (Reuters) The fallout of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex announcing they intended to step back from their royal roles continues to be felt among royal watchers, the paparazzi, and the family itself. In what some are describing as the biggest schism in the House of Windsor since the abdication of Edward VIII, Harry and Meghan have informed Her Majesty that they wish to pull away from their duties and split their time between Britain and living in Canada. The rest of the Royal family have been stunned by the turn of events, according to sources.

It’s been a difficult few weeks for the Queen, what with her son Prince Andrew caught up in a scandal surrounding sex allegations with under-aged girls (“Her Majesty is not amused,” one source told this reporter in November). Now the news that Harry and Meghan, two of the more popular members of the family, are running off to Vancouver Island to spend time in pottery and yoga classes, drinking lattes, and effectively turning their backs on royal responsibilities, adds to the difficulties.

Some blame the British tabloid press. It’s a valid point of view, given the bloodthirsty, relentless way they treat the Royals, looking for any scoop. They’ve been particularly ruthless in their treatment of Meghan, given some of her unseemly relatives and their behaviour. But the British press have always been this way where the Royals were concerned. Will they find refuge in Canada, away from the immediate attention from the British tabloids?

“Well, the Canadian press is quite laid back,” Royal watcher Calliope Wentworth-Taylor admitted. “However, living in Canada means they’ll be all the closer to the American tabloid press in Hollywood, and those people are just dreadful. Dreadful, I say. Entertainment reporters who latch onto any story they think they can milk. It’s a ghastly shame. They’ll have Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood camped across from their home day and night.”

Indeed, both entertainment shows have just opened up satellite offices in Victoria, British Columbia, staffing them with teams of entertainment journalists- if you want to call them journalists- on 24/7 Harry and Meghan watch. “How big is this?” ET producer Merry Merrington gushed. “This is like Brad-Angelina-Jennifer times infinity! Or is that divided by infinity? I don’t know, I was never that good at math. Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is we’re going to be on Harry and Meghan watch all the time. We’re going to buy a house in their neighbourhood just so we can ask them questions all the time. There’s no such thing as too much attention, if you ask me, and you are asking me! This is better than sex!”

The Duke and Duchess appear to be giving up the right to be called Their Royal Highnesses, not to mention the considerable funding the Royal Family gets. That’s not to mean they’ll be destitute, as they’re both wealthy in their own right and won’t need to be applying for cashier positions at a Tim Hortons. The question of their security is a matter still up in the air. Will the British government be picking up the tab? The Canadian government? Or the couple themselves. After all, whether or not they’re living a private life, the couple are certain to be targets, and the question of their security is a legitimate one.

Bill Blair, the Minister of Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness, admitted to reporters that the issue is still being sorted out. “We’re in talks with our counterparts in London, as well as the Duke and Duchess to address those needs. Some of our Mounties have been working on contingency plans in case they are called on to form the protective detail for the couple. As to who will be picking up the tab, that’s part of the talks.”

Blair was asked who might head up such a detail, with the names of several high profile Mounties noted by the reporter in question. “I can categorically deny that it’ll be Inspector Ulrich,” Blair stated, referring to the legendary but cranky Mountie known for saving the world from megalomaniacs, beating up gigantic monsters, holding grudges against entertainment reporters, and being mistaken regularly for the Other Lars Ulrich. “First of all, Inspector Ulrich is needed in the capacity that we have him in- a kick ass last line of defense. Second, that detail would expose him to way too many entertainment reporters. And he hates entertainment reporters. I’d rather keep him happy than drive him crazy.”

The last word in the matter belongs to Ulrich himself. Reporters sought him out at his detachment in the Alberta foothills, seeking to confirm whether or not he had been approached for the job. First reassuring the inspector that the press were all aware he was not the Other Lars Ulrich, we asked for his comment. “It was asked. I refused. Hey, they’re a nice couple and all, but daily exposure to morons from the entertainment press would leave me feeling homicidal.”

“Lars! Lars!” It was the voice of someone from outside the circle of reporters, an excitable voice that reminded one of the paparazzi that was the bane of too many existences. Sure enough, someone poked through the crowd, with a cameraman in tow.  He had the general look of your average entertainment reporter: casually dressed, with an utterly clueless expression. “Lars, I’m Nick Nolan, with Access Hollywood. What  everyone wants to know… what does Metallica think of Harry and Meghan ditching the Royals?”

“I am not that Lars Ulrich,” the inspector said, his voice seething, as the real reporters backed up out of the way.

“Are you sure?” Nolan asked.

Ulrich punched him, sending him flying. Nolan started to run, the inspector hot on his heels. When last heard of, Nolan was spending time in a local hospital, bound up in a body cast, whimpering about how London Bridge was falling down.

Curse Of The Unwanted Relations

Royal Wedding Awaits; Bridal Family Members Fume

London (Reuters) The world awaits the wedding of Prince Harry, currently sixth in line to the throne, to American actress Meghan Markle this weekend. In what is being described as the wedding of the year, the couple, engaged since last fall, will exchange wedding vows at a ceremony at St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle. Coverage of the event will be broadcast by worldwide media, as interest in the couple continues to build. Reporters- both of the actual sort and the paparazzi sort- have descended on the area in hordes. 

There have been some bumps in the road. Father of the bride Thomas Markle will not be attending after the news came out of arrangements with tabloids, now claiming he’s missing the event due to an upcoming heart surgery. Half-siblings have been noted in recent days to be fuming over being not invited to the ceremony, and have been mixing together lashing out and talking to anyone who will listen. The ceremony itself, happening on the same day of the FA Cup final (an event that would normally be attended by best man Prince William in his capacity as President of the Football Association, may compete for attention in the British isles with that game.

Royal watchers have been keen on the drama of Miss Markle’s family, particularly the estrangements that seem in place amongst some of them. “Well, it’s very simple,” Professor Clementine Harrington, an Oxford lecturer on British royalty, told this reporter this week. “If any of them happen to act out or crash the wedding, the Queen has the Tower of London at her disposal, and can feel free to have them put in the stocks for a few days until they learn to mind their manners.”

Americans, who founded their entire way of life on getting royalty out of their lives with the Revolution, seem particularly drawn to the event. “It’s fascinating, isn’t it?” Boston socialite Esmeralda LaCoeur noted this week. “All this history of liberty and being independent and booting the redcoats out, and here we are, salivating over heredity aristocracy and a wedding. I suppose you might wonder if it has to do with our current situation. You don’t suppose the Queen would let us back in, if we apologized and said we were really sorry?”

One American is profoundly disappointed by not being allowed to participate in the entire affair. Director Michael Bay, the explosion prone lunatic behind demented deafening films such as the Transformers franchise and Armageddon, was unhappy in a video rant made on the website for his company Digital Domain. “I had this big idea! Pyrotechnics and explosions and having Aerosmith do the theme song for the wedding- they even wrote it! It was called Royal Beheadings! Isn’t that a great name for a song? But no! I hear back from the Brits that I don’t have permission to set off explosions around Windsor Castle! What’s a wedding without explosions? Bottom line is, that cranky old bat Lizzie, or whoever actually wrote that message, told me to go **** myself and warned me that if I ever step on British soil again, I’ll be arrested and sent to the Tower where those ridiculous looking Beefeaters would knock my teeth out before deporting me. I thought these people were hospitable. I thought the Brits were polite.”

In Canada, the wedding is of great interest to the population. One Canadian is pleased for a different reason. Legendary RCMP Inspector and thorough grouch Lars Ulrich, known for saving the world on multiple occasions and kicking around entertainment reporters for sport, was found at his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Reassured by reporters that they knew he was not the drummer from Metallica, the Mountie was willing to speak and in fact quite cordial. “As far as I know, every single verminous dirtbag idiotic entertainment reporter on the planet is camped out in Britain right now. I’ve got an ocean between me and them. The British police can deal with their stupidity, as long as they want. I won’t complain if none of them come back.”

The last word belongs to a certain Scotland Yard inspector who shares two things in common with his Mountie counterpart: crankiness and a name in common with a musician. Chief Inspector Paul McCartney was reached by real reporters at the legendary police agency. The Inspector is in his mid thirties, half the age of the former Beatle, and in fact looks nothing like his famous namesake. He seemed exasperated while speaking with reporters. “How stupid are people? I’ve had reporters with Access Hollywood asking me if I’d be working with Ringo on something for the wedding! Damn it all, I had to give them a thorough thrashing and sent them to hospital. Well, a few less entertainment reporters at the wedding, who’s going to complain? Except of course for any of the bride’s estranged family.”

A paparazzi reporter had somehow infiltrated our ranks, and spoke up at that point. “Paul! Paul! Is it true that you and Ringo are going to work with Elton John and sing Twist And Shout at the wedding?”

McCartney glared at the man. “I am not that Paul McCartney.”

The paparazzi reporter seemed confused. “Are you sure?”

With that, McCartney broke through the ranks of reporters and started chasing the hapless reporter. When last heard from, the paparazzi reporter, working for the National Enquirer, was fished out of the Thames after McCartney threw him off Tower Bridge. He is reported to be in stable but stupid condition at a local hospital, blathering on about what John Lennon would have thought of a fellow Beatle resorting to violence.