Never Trust Me With Your Eulogy

 The following is why I should never be allowed to give a speech, whether it's for a funeral, a wedding, or anything else.

Dear friends, thank you for coming out on what is a somber day, when we remember our good friends Alex and Kate. We're all still trying to process the news. It seems so unfair, to die so young, with their whole lives ahead of them and so much to be done. Better that it would have been peacefully in their sleep, decades from now as elderly people. Just like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car, but let's not get off track.

Kate and Alex lived life to the fullest, even at their young age. They had known each other since childhood, were the best of friends. Went off to university together. Caused all sorts of mischief, some of which I was part of. The infamous prank we pulled on Professor Watson and sending his car into the River Tay is still talked about all over St. Andrew's. Oh, Professor. I wasn't aware that you would be attending today. Sorry, forget I said anything.

Where was I? Oh, right. Alex and Kate. Inseparable in life, and inseparable in death, it seems. Both of them in these coffins before us, to be buried side by side. Most of us who knew them would have expected them to get settled down after university, get married, start a family, that sort of thing. But that's not going to happen now, is it?

Because they're dead.

It's tragic. Because they loved doing what they did.

What they did killed them.

Let's just deal with the facts at hand. I know we're all unsettled by what happened. I mean, those caskets are closed for a reason. 

In some ways, I blame myself for it all. If I had been there, it wouldn't have happened. They'd be safe and we'd probably be having lunch down at the pub right now instead of attending a funeral.

But things happen. We were all supposed to go on a jump last Saturday, but of all the days to come down with a cold... well, that was mine.

So instead they asked that bloody sod Daniel Wallingford to come along.

Now, yes. Admittedly Daniel is a rated, qualified skydiver... just like me, just like Alex and Kate were. But Daniel is, sorry to say, a full blown alcoholic these days. 

So let's go through it. We've been told that the three of them went up with the pilot for a jump. Alex and Kate have done this dozens of times. They're up there, getting ready to jump. But from what we're hearing, what they didn't see was Daniel, opening up a can of Guinness and taking a few swallows. Which breaks a few rules of skydiving. Don't drink and jump. I'm just saying. But again, Daniel is a full blown alcoholic.

So Alex and Kate jump. No issue. They start on their way back to earth. 

And then there's Daniel. Pilot said he stumbled to the door and just stepped out.

What happened next defies physics.

Alex and Kate had pulled their chutes and were slowing down their descent already. 

Daniel had another can of Guinness with him. It slipped out of his harness as he pulled his chute, and started falling. At high speed.

Straight towards Alex and Kate. 

Somehow- and again, all we've got at this point is Daniel's statement to the police on this one- the can tore right through Alex's chute. It must have hit Alex in the head before it kept going, because he didn't pull his reserve chute. His main chute started tearing apart because of the damage, and he started falling faster. 

And if that wasn't bad enough, that same can did the same thing to Kate's chute. Tore a hole right through it, causing enough damage that it started coming apart too. We can only guess that she was hit by the can in the head as it went by, because she didn't pull her reserve chute either. 

That can was later found, having reached its final velocity, smashed through the front windshield of a Porsche driver. The driver, we're told, still owes 75 000 pounds for it and is said to be devastated.

Alex and Kate? They hit the ground. Faster than they would have expected.

It was that old crone Mrs. Gogarty who heard two loud thumps outside her farmhouse. Oh, Mrs. Gogarty, I wasn't aware you were gracing us with your presence. Where was I? Oh, right. Well. What can I say? 

It's a hell of a thing, skydiving. You experience the thrill of falling through the air, the rush of pulling that chute, and the joy of existence. 

And then one day, a whole lot of little things go wrong all at once, and you're.... well, you're pancaked. 

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it that way. It just would have been better if it had been Daniel pancaking into the ground, instead of sitting in a jail cell right now facing criminal charges. I've always hated that wanker.

Well, to wrap things up. Let's all remember Alex and Kate as they were in life, happy and joyful.

And try not to dwell on the last twenty seconds of their lives.

The Narcissists And The Curse

It has been quite some time since I last featured the world's most unusual marriage and the pair of narcissists making up the combination. And so here we have it.

Fate Of Show Still Up In The Air; Narcissistic Spouses Could Care Less

Toronto (CP) How long is too long for a television show? Some successful programs come to an end before they wear out their welcome. The common suggestion seems to indicate that seven seasons is a good spot to end, but all too often, with high ratings, studios pressure the production team and cast of a successful show to carry on, even after it has jumped the shark. This probably explains why Grey’s Anatomy is still on the air, airing its fifteenth season.

“It’s like this,” an anonymous source in ABC’s higher echelons confided. “Shonda Rhimes has some serious blackmail material on me. So Grey’s Anatomy stays on the air until she says it’s done, and not one moment earlier. If it was up to me, I’d have cancelled it seven seasons ago. Wait, you’re not going to publish that whole thing about the blackmail material, are you?”

The fate of one show, featuring an alumnus of Grey’s Anatomy, is still up in the air. Suits airs on the USA cable network, and is produced by Universal Cable. Filmed in Toronto, it follows a fictional New York law firm and is presently in its eighth season, with the second half of the season due to return in January. Ratings have declined, as one expects with a show that’s had cast turnover and has been on the air for a few years. Whether or not there will be a season nine remains a question mark. The show is most noted these days for a former cast member who left at the end of the seventh season. Meghan Markle went off to marry Prince Harry, and her character was written out.

Season Eight saw some changes, including the elevation of recurring cast members to regular status and the addition of a character played by a Grey’s cast member. Samantha Wheeler, a conniving attorney, is played by Katherine Heigl. And Katherine Heigl. No, this reporter did not just repeat himself. Two Katherine Heigls take turns playing the character.

Some time ago, the narcissistic actress underwent a strange quest. Heigl had been a running joke for many things: her domineering stage mother, her Grey’s time, a string of box office duds, and the failed series State Of Affairs, to the point where the phrase Heigl Curse had been coined for any project she came near. Heigl employed the services of former physics professor Doctor Otto von Frankenstein (no relation), a self-described expert in parallel realities. Frankenstein succeeded in breaching dimensional walls so that Heigl could find her one true love- herself.

The two Katherine Heigls have spent the last four years together, ignoring the stage mother of this reality’s Katherine Heigl, getting married in what they called the Wedding of the Millennium, engaging in public displays of affection and debauchery, fawning all over each other, and occasionally receiving citations for public nudity. They’ve even shared roles, playing Samantha Wheeler in turn. The fact that they look exactly alike helps considerably. Whether or not it endears them to the rest of the cast is a different matter.

Doctor Frankenstein, removed from his tenured post in Vienna for committing an act that breached all ethics of his profession, is apologetic these days. “I did warn her that if anything went wrong, reality could collapse in on itself, but she was more concerned with finding herself- literally- so she could have her way with herself.” The scientist seemed remorseful when reached by phone at his chalet in the Alps. “Look, it could have all been worse. My scans indicated a world where its Katherine Heigl had become all powerful and was worshiped as a goddess. That would be even worse than the multiverse collapsing in on itself, right?”

“It’s a spectacle,” one cast member admitted on set in Toronto, where filming for the second half of Season Eight continues. “The two of them are all over each other all the time. I mean, we’ve walked in on them, in flagrante delicto. I think they like being watched. On the one hand, okay, to each their own, but on the other hand, how about a little workplace professionalism?”

Another cast member, also speaking anonymously, seemed dismayed. “I can see why nobody over at Grey’s wants her… well, now it’s them… back on the show. I mean, yes, actors do tend to be self-absorbed, but this is on a scale that’s ridiculous.”

Canadian psychologist Ciara Derrick, a specialist in narcissism among the rich and famous, agrees. “Invariably actors, once they’ve become successful, tend to fall prey to the trap of ego. Often it becomes out of control. The classic case example is Tom Cruise, who has become, to use a clinical term, batshit crazy,” she told this reporter at her offices in Toronto. 

“Fortunately in the case of extreme egos, such as Mr. Cruise, or the Heigls, there are people in the industry who tend to keep serious narcissists from working on the same project. By the same token, studios make sure that none of them will ever work with Michael Bay. It’s about maintaining peace and good order on set- an entire safety protocol has been built into the industry for this sort of thing. They learned that in Hollywood the hard way after the Judy Garland and John Wayne fiasco of 1948.”

That is a reference to the failed movie musical Cowboys In Central Park, a project which MGM spent years trying to deny ever existed. Rumours to this day persist that in some forgotten corner of a warehouse, a film reel containing one day’s of shooting of the project may still be found. The film shoot came to a bad end on the fourth of February, 1948, when a Category Six Garland Tantrum met a Category Five Wayne Ego Taunt. Sixteen people died in the brawl between the stars that destroyed the set, and ever after, executives went out of their way to keep Garland and Wayne at least six miles apart at all times.

“Fortunately the Heigls are the exception,” Derrick confirmed. “Yes, both Katherine Heigls have rampant egos, but the fact that they are the same person, albeit from different dimensions, means that the two egos cancel each other out and they can live in harmony. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the two of them are exhibitionists who want to show off for the entire world.”

While executives at Universal Cable debate the notion of renewing the series in the face of failing ratings, the narcissists themselves had something to say. Katherine Heigl and Katherine Heigl emerged from their quarters on set, looking a bit disheveled after another round of horizontal tango, but each bearing delirious, self-satisfied smiles. The two walked over to a small group of reporters on set, arms around each other.

“We’ve been hearing the stories,” Katherine Heigl said. Which one she was- this reality or the alternate reality Katherine Heigl- went unexplained. They were both identically dressed, after all, letting their hands wander all over each other. Public displays of affection would be an understatement.

“Sure, maybe the ratings are down a bit, but it’s not our fault,” the other Katherine Heigl said with a shrug.

“That’s right,” her wife agreed. “People love us. Not as much as we love each other, but that’s beside the point.”

“And even if the show gets cancelled, that doesn’t matter. Because we’ve got each other,” Katherine Heigl said.

“And we’re the sexiest women alive,” the other Katherine Heigl noted.

“Every last square inch of us,” the first Katherine announced with a grin.

“Oh, sweetie sex goddess, are you as turned on as I am right now?” her wife inquired.

“More, my ravishing cutie pie!” the first Katherine Heigl replied. The Katherine Heigls started making out, wandered back to their quarters, and were soon engaged in among other things, loud, amorous screaming of each other’s names.

This reporter left, wondering why any studio would let the Katherine Heigls into any project. And by extension, this reporter felt profound sympathy for the citizens of a different reality- assuming Doctor Frankenstein’s notion of that aforementioned parallel reality was true. How could anyone live with themselves in a world where Katherine Heigl was a living goddess?

What Kind Of Name Is Steppenwolf?

“No protectors here. No Lanterns. No Kryptonian. This world will fall, like all the others.” ~ Steppenwolf

“I miss the days when one’s biggest concern is exploding wind-up penguins.” ~ Alfred Pennyworth

“A strong man is strongest alone, ever heard that?” ~ Arthur Curry

“You wanted me to be a leader, but leaders get people killed.” ~ Diana

“Superman was a beacon to the world. He didn’t just save people, he made them see the best part of themselves.” ~ Bruce Wayne

And so the DC cinematic universe carries on, trying to play catch-up with the Marvel cinematic universe in the fifth entry in the franchise, if one counts the shared continuity that started in Man Of Steel, followed in Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice, Suicide Squad, and Wonder Woman. That last film, a highly successful and entertaining origin story that hit theatres in the summer, finally got the DC universe right in this continuity. Justice League picks up where Batman V Superman left off, with Bruce and Diana’s organizing of the superhumans we got a glimpse of in that movie into a team. Zack Snyder directs the film (with a designated pinch director, yes, that is a term, now, in the form of Joss Whedon) after helming two of the previous films in the franchise.

A prologue set deep in the past finds Steppenwolf (Ciaran Hinds), the big bad of the film, accompanied by an army of Parademons (ugly bastards from another world, just like their boss) trying the old conquering the world ploy on Earth, only to be stopped by an army of Amazons, Atlanteans, Olympian gods, humans, and Green Lanterns. Their technology, called Mother Boxes, are dispersed around the world. In the present day, months after the death of Superman (Henry Cavill), Steppenwolf returns to have another go at world domination in an attempt to get back on the good side of his master. All that stand in his way are five heroes (plus a sixth late in the game): the Justice League. Batman (Ben Affleck) and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) bring together Aquaman (Jason Momoa), the Flash (Ezra Miller), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher).

Justice League has been in the making for years, going back to the time when Christopher Nolan was making his Dark Knight trilogy (which are an entirely different continuity and were outstanding films, not reflecting the issues that the current DC cinematic shared continuity have had). It had long been stalled in the production process, until Snyder came along with Man of Steel, a film the studio wanted to be the start-off for further continuity. Snyder would return for the bleak Batman V Superman, and also directed the bulk of this, until a personal tragedy caused him to step away from post production and reshoots. Joss Whedon, who was involved in the screenplay with Chris Terrio, stepped in to cover the bases on that. There is a bit of a stilted feel of things at times though, and perhaps that has to do with two directors- two different styles are stitched together.

Terrio’s screenplay, with light humour mixed in from Whedon’s side of things, is a sprawling epic that plays off of what has come before- character dynamics, the history of the DC universe, the previous films- and takes it in a new direction. Steppenwolf might be a strange name for a villain, but he’s previously established in the DC universe as a forerunner for someone who’s even worse, and the parademons are also as well established as a formidable threat. The story has to bring these heroes together (even if some of them would rather stay right out of it) to face a threat that can’t be solved by one person- a good reflection of the prologue, which brings a disparate group to fight together against the same threat. The story, as things go along, certainly is lighter in tone than the utter bleakness of Batman V Superman or the lunatic energy of Suicide Squad.

The production values certainly look good. Parademons and the look of Steppenwolf, for instance, are well rendered and menacing. Amazonians, Atlanteans, Olympians, and the Lantern Corps all come across as you’d expect. New characters have been designed in a way that both fits a movie reality and their comic book origins. Cyborg, a mix of human and machine as a result of an accident, looks much like he would in the comics, only with more technological detail. The Flash, the scarlet speedster, ends up with a costume that takes his abilities into consideration, but still rings close to what we see on the printed page. Aquaman, a character who’s often been belittled (mostly because of a cheesy 70s animated show) looks quite different- instead of a blond haired man with a yellow shirt, we get an exotic looking ferocious warrior with scale armor and a trident, looking like the last person you’d want to irritate.

The cast is fairly well chosen, some of them new, others returning from previous films. Ciaran Hinds is one of those character actors you’ve seen in movies and television shows down through the years- Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2, Amazing Grace, Road To Perdition, The Sum Of All Fears, Munich, The Woman In Black, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and The Nativity Story are among his extensive resume. Much of the role he plays here is a combination of motion capture as Steppenwolf. The character is a scheming, ambitious villain, but tired in other ways, seeking a way out of the servitude he finds himself in. Hinds gets to chew the scenery throughout like a megalomaniac, which you expect out of the Big Bad in one of these.

J.K. Simmons comes on board as Commissioner Gordon, a mainstay of the Batman mythos- with some of the same dynamics the two characters share in the comics and previous movie incarnations, partners of a sort who meet on rooftops and conspire together. Simmons, who’s one of those marvelous character actors who just make a movie more interesting by being around, has been in the comics adaptations before, having had played the grouchy J. Jonah Jameson in the three Sam Raimi Spider-Man films (one halfway expects Gordon to bark “Parker!”).  Diane Lane and Amy Adams reprise their roles from previous films in the DC continuity as Martha Kent and Lois Lane, this time finding themselves stunned by a turn of events that strikes close to home, and both actresses play to that. Jeremy Irons returns as Bruce Wayne’s faithful butler Alfred, still bringing a dry, sardonic wit to his take on the character.

Ray Fisher appeared briefly in Batman V Superman as Victor Stone, the young athlete whose life is shattered in an accident and whose scientist father Silas (Joe Morton, returning again as the sympathetic genius) has managed to keep him alive, though as more machine than man. As Cyborg, the character has multiple technological advantages, including flight, weapons, and technological manipulation, and the actor, playing at least in part through motion capture, conveys the notion of a young man trapped forever in a metallic shell, likely to never have a real life of his own, but still holding onto his humanity.

Ezra Miller is another young character, Barry Allen, already established in a cameo from Batman V Superman as having super powers as the Flash, helping people out in swift, but unheralded ways. The character is a university student quietly trying to live his life, being drawn into a much bigger world than he would have been prepared for, but he comes into his own as the story unfolds, and the character has a light, funny touch, particularly in how he interacts with everyone else around him.

Jason Momoa gets a fun role as the gruff and fierce Arthur Curry, aka Aquaman. The Atlantean warrior and royal is a metahuman whose great strength comes from his Atlantean biology, and he divides his time between ocean and the seashore. He’s dismissive and standoffish at first, feeling his loyalties must be to Atlantis, but circumstances bring him to accept a place in the wider world as well. The actor gives the character an intensely physical quality, a ferocious energy, and seems to be having fun as he goes along. It also helps that he’s got good chemistry with Mera (Amber Heard); the two characters will be back in a solo film in the not too distant future.

Henry Cavill returns as Clark Kent, otherwise known as Superman, after his death in Batman V Superman (death doesn’t really last in the comics, so why should it in movies?). How that return plays out is a bit convoluted, but Cavill plays the character in a different way than we’ve seen before: initial confusion at first, a natural reaction to a contingency measure of sorts secondly, a seeking out of who he is thirdly, and a return to glory when it really matters.

Gal Gadot impressed a lot of people with Wonder Woman during the summer, and she was the best part of Batman V Superman as well, and her return here as Diana is welcome. She’s spent a century after the events of her origin film on Earth as an immortal, quietly staying out of the way of humanity, apart from her mother and her Amazonian people. With the close of Batman V Superman, Diana has had to accept that she has to come back into the world, working with Bruce Wayne (and bantering and bickering a bit too) to forge a team to meet overwhelming threats. The actress plays her as someone of strength, principle, integrity, and will. emerging from the shadows and rising to the occasion.

Ben Affleck returns (though will he return again, that’s the question) as Bruce Wayne, the cranky Dark Knight who’s spent years as a vigilante in the darkness of Gotham City and who picked a fight with Superman in the previous film, well, just because the story told him to, before realizing that he was fighting the wrong person. His take on the character is lighter than it was in that film, where he certainly went for the grim and gritty. He’s still world weary, a non-powered human being with a brilliant mind, a lot of money, and an iron will who’s become more willing to trust and work with others to counter threats. He may not be a metahuman like those around him, but Affleck still plays the role as someone you don’t want to annoy.

Justice League still bears some of the marks of a problem for the DC cinematic universe: in trying to catch up with the Marvel cinematic universe, which hasn’t stumbled, the DC universe stumbles a bit. This happened with the previous films (with the exception of Wonder Woman), and it does happen here. Rather than just let the films tell themselves, the studio seems obsessed with playing catch-up. Two directors, with very different styles, end up creating a tone of inconsistency at times. That said, however, it is entertaining, giving the new characters a chance to shine and for the audience to get to know them. It also tells a sprawling epic that builds off of what’s already come before, gives us characters who mesh fairly well together, and which points ways to the future for all of them.