Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, December 21, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Before getting started, just a note that instead of my usual Wednesday post, I'll be posting on Thursday, since that is Christmas Eve. And so it is time for the cat's point of view on all things Christmas. 

7:26 AM. Waking up. Strange dreams. Found myself among giant candy canes. Not sure why... I don’t even like the taste of candy canes.

7:37 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Well, good morning, staff. We’re now in this whole Christmas zone, so in the interests of peace on earth, goodwill towards men, and keeping me happy, how about some breakfast?

7:41 AM. Breakfast served by the staff. A bowl of milk and some tuna. Very suitable, staff. 

7:44 AM. Finished breakfast. Now then, I do need some confirmation... you’re the one going to visit those idiot relations tomorrow and not them coming here, right? Because I know it’s not very Christmas and peace on earth of me to say, but I really don’t like the rugrats, and my idea of a good Christmas Day does not involve hiding for hours on end in one of my bolt holes.

8:10 AM. Meowing to be let outside. The staff obliges.

8:17 AM. Walking around in the snow. Musing on the meaning of life. Is life nothing more than a big ball of yarn?

8:32 AM. Passing through the woods. Sound of movement nearby.

8:33 AM. Oh, brother. That dog.

8:34 AM. The dog is going on and on about peace on earth. I, meanwhile, am considering my options. Exit routes? Giving him a swipe on the snout? Or being at least considerate and civil? I mean, after all, it is Christmas, right?

8:35 AM. I walk towards the dog. Despite myself, I give the dog a hug.

8:36 AM. Strolling away. I don’t have to look back to know the dog looks flabbergasted.

8:47 AM. Returning home. Meowing to be let back inside. I have a nap to get to, after all.

8:49 AM. The staff has let me in. I promptly head to one of my seventy eight favourite spots, in front of the fireplace, where it’s nice and toasty warm. 

12:06 PM. Waking up out of nap. I can smell tuna sandwiches being made.

12:07 PM. The staff sets a morsel of tuna down for me on a plate. Very good, staff, very good indeed....

3:27 PM. Watching the staff as she looks out the window at all the falling snow. Well now, be glad you got all your Christmas shopping in, staff. This time of day in a mall on Christmas Eve? We’re talking stress city, after all, and not in a good way.

6:07 PM. The staff’s busy making dinner. The local news is on in the living room. A reporter is filing a story from a shopping mall earlier about panicked last minute shoppers fighting over this year’s hot new toy. And humans actually think they’re the superior life form.

6:32 PM. Having dinner with the staff. Lamb tastes good. Did Little Bo Peep know this one?

6:49 PM. And for dessert, some strawberry ice cream. Staff, I think you’re spoiling me rotten. Good.

6:58 PM. Supervising the staff while she does the dishes. Just in case she has any extra treats around.

7:35 PM. Christmas music on the stereo. Staff, just make sure you’re not going to play that Twelve Days song, because that one takes forever and goes nowhere. Besides, after the first four verses, which all involve tasty flying lunches, frankly, I don’t care about the rest of those grandiose gifts.

8:03 PM. Oh, no, the staff wants to watch It’s A Wonderful Life.

8:37 PM. You know, staff, I really don’t get the point to this whole movie. And honestly, the sugar sweet aspect of this whole thing would drive diabetics into insulin shock.

9:01 PM. While the staff watches James Stewart in the Endless Christmas Movie From Hell (of course that needs to be capitalized), I find myself staring at one of the Christmas ornaments, and consider the notion of murdering it.

9:57 PM. Okay, it’s almost over, James Stewart’s surrounded by all these people who have given him endless amounts of money to bail him out of trouble, everybody’s happy, the kid’s prattling on about angels getting wings, and we don’t see that miserable old bastard get what’s coming to him. I mean, honestly, staff, if this were made today, they wouldn’t leave that plot hole just dangling like that. Unless it was directed by that Michael Bay guy, who leaves plot holes in everything.

11:47 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Merry Christmas and all that. Do keep the door open. In case some oversized guy in red comes down the chimney in the middle of the night, I might be inclined to come upstairs and yell at you to wake up.


  1. I LOVE these, William! My kitty was a wee bit pissed at a couple but I talked soothingly to her and she decided she wouldn't destroy the Xmas tree today.

  2. I hadn't realized how demoralizing it must be for cats when we break out the red laser. LOL.

  3. Your, "sweet aspect of this whole would drive diabetics into insulin shock," is funnier than the cartoons this time.

  4. What a wonderful post today !
    I despise that movie so such, I was reading a blog last year and they were talking about how much they love this movie. Everyone adored it too except me. I was the only one !

    cheers, parsnip

  5. @Lowell: no guarantees for tomorrow!

    @Diane: it really is!

    @Mari: thank you!

    @Parsnip: I see I'm not the only one!

    @Lynn: very unexpected from the kitty!

  6. I wish my cat would change a light bulb, but she never does anything useful like that.

  7. I'll bet the dog is still trying to figure out what happened!

  8. Kitty changes a light bulb! Ha!
    Our dog trainer says those laser toys make animals crazy. I wouldn't be surprised!

  9. Very interesting, thought provoking,I noticed a dog in one of these pics. That's a minus. and who's Dick Cheney.


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