Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Last Charge Of The Internet Spammers

Spammers and scammers. If it's not one, it's the other. Let's deal with the spammer first, and my apologies for the language, but it's well deserved. In the last few days here and at my photoblog, and at a number of other blogs I follow, a spammer turned up in comments with the same repeated spam message directing people to his website. It was not the standard medicine, Gucci bags, or whatever the usual spam might be. 

That site was a vile toxic waste dump called Boycott American Women. He was using the name John Doe and hiding behind an anonymous avatar (ooo, how brave of the angry little pile of crap. Or maybe not so little. He might be an obese cheeseball eating beer guzzling lug in a basement somewhere). A look into the history of this waste of oxygen has shown he's been doing this since at least 2010, ranting and roaring about women under more than one name, including John Rambo. Wonderful. Taking a name from an emotionally stunted fictional character. What a model of mental stability Johnny boy must be, or whatever the hell his real name is under those layers of anonymity.

John seems to think American women are too pushy, too assertive, too independent for his liking, so he goes on and on about dating women from other parts of the world who, in his pathetic little mind, "know their place". Bull, Johnny. Let's face it, someone as totally cluster-screwed up as you doesn't date anyone. You're a seething cauldron of misogynistic rage, you asshole, and it's fair to say that everyone who knows you in real life hates you. Your very existence is an insult to the human race. And you're a gutless coward, hiding behind such anonymous names and not even showing your real face anywhere. I don't usually tell trolls to consider suicide, but in your case, numbnuts, I'll make an exception.

From me to you.... go fuck yourself.

Moving on to the scammers. They are the foul pestilence from some corner of the world with promises of wealth for a deserving sucker... er, that is, partner in their financial endeavour. Sometimes it's the wife/ daughter/ surrogate/ mistress/ personal masseuse/ go-to girl/ professional legbreaker of the reverend/ minister of state/ president/ general/ beloved autocrat of whatever hellhole the scammer wants you to believe they're actually from.

They are, of course, riddled with grammar errors, weird writing, and assurances that this is all on the up and up ("we swear, good friend, this offer of millions to a complete stranger is most absolutely valid in the extreme!"). What follows turned up in my email the other day.

Dear friend,

My name is Mr. Musa Ibrahim. I am working with one of the prime banks in Burkina Faso. Here in this bank existed a dormant account for many years, which belong to one of our late foreign customer. The amount in this account stands at $13,300,000.00 (Thirteen Million Three Hundred Thousand USA Dollars).

I want a foreign account where the bank will transfer this fund. I know you would be surprised to read this message, especially from someone relatively unknown to you. But, do not worry yourself so much. This is a genuine, risk free and legal business transaction. Reply back to me urgently, if you are interested. All details shall be sent to you once I hear from you.

Best regards,

Mr. Musa Ibrahim

That's nice. A guy who doesn't know me has the audacity of calling me "dear friend." This despite the fact that I don't like having total strangers call me "dear friend". He mentions "prime bank." I'm not a banker, mind you, but "prime bank" doesn't sound like a real term real bankers make use of. 

More glitches and glaring inconsistencies abound. "Here in this bank existed a dormant account..." Well, since you're desperately hoping I'm dumb enough to give you my bank account number, Musa (because let's face it, that's what this is all about, you wanker), is it existed or exists? Because even if it's dormant, a real bank account isn't mentioned in the past tense, you jackass.

And then he goes on to say "which belong to one of our late foreign customer." Musa? I'm an editor, which means I pick up on glaring errors, and you're missing the letter s on belongs and customers. Just in case you're following along, Musa, that's a tell tale sign of ye olde Nigerian scammer.

And of course our boy Musa (of the Homo Spammeritis Annoyingus subspecies) tells me there's thirteen million in American dollars just waiting in that account. He says not to worry, that it's a genuine, risk free, legal business transaction from someone relatively unknown to me. Not relatively unknown, you bloody prat. I've never heard of you before! You're completely unknown!

Nice try, Musa, better luck next time. I suggest you try scamming someone named Bubba, Jethro, or Honey Boo Boo. 

About the only good thing an internet scammer is good for is a laugh at their desperate attempt to scam us. Musa, you're not my dear friend. I disapprove of your existence. Between you and me (and my readers), if you were on fire and I had a glass of water... I'd drink the water. And tell you how refreshing it was.


  1. The scams will never stop as long as there are people falling for them--from the Nigerian princes to "publishers" making empty promises to hopeful writers to diet drugs with bogus endorsements from medical experts, they always find naive targets.

    I'm amazed. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, guess what that stuff is you just stepped in....

  2. That guy who wants to boycott American women might have some trans-gender issues....poor dude.

  3. Spamheads suck. Though I did read somewhere that the makers of SPAM meats were upset at the use of the word, spam.

  4. I'm kind of hoping spammers get spammed too. That would make me feel better.

  5. At least with one click of the mouse the message is gone! That's about the only good thing about spam!

  6. I know how you feel about these spammers! It's like they multiply exponentially every year.

  7. @Tammy: we need to chain them all together and throw them overboard into the Marianas Trench.

    @Jane and Chris: thank you!

    @Norma: some very unpleasant crap!

    @Eve: it would take a team of shrinks decades to get him untied from all those issues he's got.

    @Whisk: for good reason!

    @Shelly: thanks!

    @Kelly: they have it coming.

    @Cheryl: that's quite true.

    @Diane: there's no shortage of them.

  8. This is the season the scammers and spammers come out of their hidey holes and do their thing. That one about boycotting American women must have hit every blog in the world.

    I've gotten a number of offers from various places in Africa - millions of dollars involved. I turned them down. Should I have done that? I mean, maybe I could be rich now.

  9. If only we could inherit and get as rich as they claim! Really there are some strange scams out there. I had one person trying to invite me to a conference with UN credentials and they eventually ask for attendance fee... I googled and found out it was a scam! I agree with Liam! :-)

  10. Let's face it, Scammers and Spammers share the IQ of a fly. And we all know what flies like to eat, eh?

    I only have one comment on the idea of an account that is "dormant". No bank allows an account to just lay there dormant. I remember having an account in a bank, and remembered it years later. Yeah. Whatever I might have had in there was gone. Banks charge for the very existence of your bank account, unless you do some transaction now and then. At least that's what I understand.
    I guess these people think we share their IQ, or something.

    Great post. I'm sharing it.

  11. Spammers are Occupiers too lazy to get dressed and go outside.

  12. Hey William! Check out Florida Fotos today:


    You might get a kick out of it.

  13. Yeh I 've had that one too.. go get him Liam :)


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.