Last Charge Of The Internet Spammers

Spammers and scammers. If it's not one, it's the other. Let's deal with the spammer first, and my apologies for the language, but it's well deserved. In the last few days here and at my photoblog, and at a number of other blogs I follow, a spammer turned up in comments with the same repeated spam message directing people to his website. It was not the standard medicine, Gucci bags, or whatever the usual spam might be. 

That site was a vile toxic waste dump called Boycott American Women. He was using the name John Doe and hiding behind an anonymous avatar (ooo, how brave of the angry little pile of crap. Or maybe not so little. He might be an obese cheeseball eating beer guzzling lug in a basement somewhere). A look into the history of this waste of oxygen has shown he's been doing this since at least 2010, ranting and roaring about women under more than one name, including John Rambo. Wonderful. Taking a name from an emotionally stunted fictional character. What a model of mental stability Johnny boy must be, or whatever the hell his real name is under those layers of anonymity.

John seems to think American women are too pushy, too assertive, too independent for his liking, so he goes on and on about dating women from other parts of the world who, in his pathetic little mind, "know their place". Bull, Johnny. Let's face it, someone as totally cluster-screwed up as you doesn't date anyone. You're a seething cauldron of misogynistic rage, you asshole, and it's fair to say that everyone who knows you in real life hates you. Your very existence is an insult to the human race. And you're a gutless coward, hiding behind such anonymous names and not even showing your real face anywhere. I don't usually tell trolls to consider suicide, but in your case, numbnuts, I'll make an exception.

From me to you.... go fuck yourself.

Moving on to the scammers. They are the foul pestilence from some corner of the world with promises of wealth for a deserving sucker... er, that is, partner in their financial endeavour. Sometimes it's the wife/ daughter/ surrogate/ mistress/ personal masseuse/ go-to girl/ professional legbreaker of the reverend/ minister of state/ president/ general/ beloved autocrat of whatever hellhole the scammer wants you to believe they're actually from.

They are, of course, riddled with grammar errors, weird writing, and assurances that this is all on the up and up ("we swear, good friend, this offer of millions to a complete stranger is most absolutely valid in the extreme!"). What follows turned up in my email the other day.

Dear friend,

My name is Mr. Musa Ibrahim. I am working with one of the prime banks in Burkina Faso. Here in this bank existed a dormant account for many years, which belong to one of our late foreign customer. The amount in this account stands at $13,300,000.00 (Thirteen Million Three Hundred Thousand USA Dollars).

I want a foreign account where the bank will transfer this fund. I know you would be surprised to read this message, especially from someone relatively unknown to you. But, do not worry yourself so much. This is a genuine, risk free and legal business transaction. Reply back to me urgently, if you are interested. All details shall be sent to you once I hear from you.

Best regards,

Mr. Musa Ibrahim

That's nice. A guy who doesn't know me has the audacity of calling me "dear friend." This despite the fact that I don't like having total strangers call me "dear friend". He mentions "prime bank." I'm not a banker, mind you, but "prime bank" doesn't sound like a real term real bankers make use of. 

More glitches and glaring inconsistencies abound. "Here in this bank existed a dormant account..." Well, since you're desperately hoping I'm dumb enough to give you my bank account number, Musa (because let's face it, that's what this is all about, you wanker), is it existed or exists? Because even if it's dormant, a real bank account isn't mentioned in the past tense, you jackass.

And then he goes on to say "which belong to one of our late foreign customer." Musa? I'm an editor, which means I pick up on glaring errors, and you're missing the letter s on belongs and customers. Just in case you're following along, Musa, that's a tell tale sign of ye olde Nigerian scammer.

And of course our boy Musa (of the Homo Spammeritis Annoyingus subspecies) tells me there's thirteen million in American dollars just waiting in that account. He says not to worry, that it's a genuine, risk free, legal business transaction from someone relatively unknown to me. Not relatively unknown, you bloody prat. I've never heard of you before! You're completely unknown!

Nice try, Musa, better luck next time. I suggest you try scamming someone named Bubba, Jethro, or Honey Boo Boo. 

About the only good thing an internet scammer is good for is a laugh at their desperate attempt to scam us. Musa, you're not my dear friend. I disapprove of your existence. Between you and me (and my readers), if you were on fire and I had a glass of water... I'd drink the water. And tell you how refreshing it was.