Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 28, 2014

The Downfall Of The Dark Cabal

Some links for your consideration first off. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday, so we had a post at our joint blog. Norma has some news at her blog. Krisztina had cherry blossoms featured at her blog the other day. Check out this scary pic at the Happy Whisk's page. And Parsnip had a few notes about things on Saturday.

Now then... this might be very confusing if you haven't read this post first. Even then, it might be very confusing. The conclusion's to come in the next post, so be back here on Wednesday.

Deep beneath the Hollywood sign, Los Angeles, California. The bunker headquarters of the secret society calling itself the Dark Cabal Of The Infernal Gossip. Late at night, eleven people strode into a dimly lit chamber, taking their seats around a table with twelve chairs. Each of them wore hooded cloaks, each of them moved with sinister purpose. A woman stepped in next, hooded and cloaked, standing at the last chair.

“All hail the Dark Cabal Of The Infernal Gossip!” she proclaimed.

“All hail, Supreme Majesty!” the others said as one.

She took her seat. “All has been well since last we met, sisters and brothers. Our plans for world domination have proceeded unopposed. All who have stood against us have been removed from the battlefield or otherwise distracted. None are left to stand in our way. Victory will soon be ours!” She began to laugh, in that megalomaniacal not entirely right in the head way of the supervillain.

“Victory!” came a cheerful voice from the group.

“Indeed, Sister Leeza. Soon the world will fall down on their knees to their new masters and mistresses. Us. They will follow us and heed our every word. And we will have our revenge on everyone who ever heckled us and called us lightweight morons. For we, the true leaders of the entertainment journalists, are the center of the universe.”

One of the Cabal spoke up in a panicked voice. “He’s out there! He’s about to turn everything upside down!”

“Brother Leonard, be calm,” another told him. “I will play some of my soothing music to calm your anxieties.”

“Brother John of Tesh, he will not permit it!” Brother Leonard exclaimed. “He despises your music and he can’t stand you! He would end the scene before he would let you begin to play the keyboards.”

“Brother Leonard,” another member of the Cabal prompted. “What are you talking about?”

“The Fourth Wall, Brother Carson of Daly!” Brother Leonard declared. “It’s real! The Writer is out there right now plotting our downfall! Have none of you read the title of this? He intends to use us as mere fodder for the aggression of his keystone character. The hated one! The Ulrich! He will dispatch our greatest enemy to destroy us! Well I won’t stand for it! Do you hear me, Writer? I know what you’re doing!”

“Brother Leonard, you need to adjust your medication,” a woman told him.

“We are working on that, Sister Nancy of O’Dell,” the Supreme Majesty remarked. “Brother Leonard of Maltin, I assure you, there is no such thing as the Fourth Wall.”

“Sister Maria of Menounos and I will adjust his medication after the ritual sacrifice and the orgy,” Sister Leeza said. “Clearly his sedatives need to be increased.

“Am I the only one here who sees reality as it is?” Brother Leonard asked, sounding exasperated.

“Be at peace, Brother Leonard,” the Supreme Majesty remarked. “Despite the prophecy, the Ulrich will not stand in our way. We will take over the world. All of humanity will bow to us. And we will see the Ulrich meet the horrible ending he so richly deserves. We will torture him, make him bleed, reduce him to tears, and end his life.”

“That’s a fascinating plan,” a voice called out from the darkness.

The members of the Cabal looked around, startled by the unknown voice.

“Who was that?” Sister Maria asked. “Brother Ryan of Seacrest, were you throwing your voice?"

Brother Ryan shook his head. “I don’t have that particular talent.”

“Who’s there?” the Supreme Majesty demanded.

“A really fascinating plan,” the voice called out. “I see no reason why you people can’t make it work.” Heavy footfalls echoed in the chamber. A man appeared in the shadows of the chamber entrance. “Except, perhaps, for me.”

Gasps filled the room. The Cabal shrank in terror as he stepped into the dim light, all of them recognizing the red serge of the uniform, the brim of the hat. “The Ulrich!!!” Sister Nancy screeched.

“The Evil One!” Brother John hissed.

“The rider on the pale horse!” Brother Ryan exclaimed.

“Aren’t you out of your jurisdiction?” Brother Carson inquired.

Inspector Ulrich strode forward, a smile curling across his lips. “Imagine, all this time, all those idiot entertainment reporters. All of them asking me about that washed up metal band. All of them mistaking me for that deaf drummer. All of them were annoying me. And all of it was because of you people. They were acting under your orders.” He laughed at that, the sound filling the chamber.

“Is it just me, or is his laughter scary?” Sister Nancy asked the others.

“Quiet, you,” Ulrich warned. “And here you are. Plotting world domination. Fascinating.”

The Supreme Majesty spoke after a moment. “I don’t suppose we could come to an arrangement. We could let you have Sister Leeza. She has a thing for you.”

“Well, I do,” Sister Leeza confirmed. “I mean, you are hot.”

“And we could even throw in Sister Maria of Menounos for a threesome into the mix if you just walk out and leave us alone to our plans,” the Supreme Majesty added. “Come now, Inspector, we don’t need to be enemies. You can even have a place in our New World Order.”

Ulrich chuckled. “Do you think I was born yesterday, Ms. Hart?”

“You know who I am?” the Supreme Majesty demanded, her voice low.

“I know who all of you are. You’re the most annoying people on the planet. And you’re a secret society out to rule the world. And I’m here to bring each and every single one of you to justice. And yes, I am out of my jurisdiction, but generally speaking, most police agencies just let me do as I please. Saving the world tends to make you friends in the right places, you know. By the way, the LAPD is outside and has every single exit covered, so don’t even think about trying to escape.”

The members of the Cabal looked around at each other. Brother Leonard blurted out, “I told you he was coming! I told you!”

Mary Hart, the Supreme Majesty, removed her hood, glaring at the Inspector. “Tell us one thing. How in the hell did you find us?”

Ulrich shrugged his head. “Oh, a combination of things. Breaking through the Fourth Wall and talking with the Writer. Good old fashioned police work. Getting a source on the inside who felt guilty about deceiving me helped a whole lot. But in the end, what it really comes down to….” He smiled again. The Cabal gasped. “Simply put, the reason is… I’m Lars Ulrich.”

Brother John of Tesh sighed. “Oh come on!!!!”


  1. Lets hope Lars doesn't turn to the dark side... all that power could corrupt :) :)

  2. I love Lars! You have to give him his own book!

    Lars AND that hilarious Grumpy Cat meme...what a way to start the week!

  3. One does not simply trust someone trying to kill you? Really? Why the heck not?


  4. Thank goodness we can depend on Lars to come to our rescue! Must he take so long to deal with these idiots though?

  5. Wait, I'm not supposed to trust someone trying to kill me? Oh...

  6. @Grace: he's too upstanding (if grumpy) to go to the Dark Side.

    @Norma: putting him into a novel would require me to dial down the cartoonish streak!

    @Diane: it's a wise decision!

    @Cheryl: emphasis on idiots.

    @Kelly: absolutely not!

  7. I think you have the makings of a great novel with this :) I mean, the world falling into the hands of the paparazzi? Sounds like a dystopian to me!

  8. Loved the caption on the first pic.

    Hugs and chocolate!

  9. Lars Lars Lars....
    Please don't ever change him.
    I like the cartoonist streak.

    cheers, parsnip

  10. @Meradeth: it would be a nightmare!

    @Shelly: thanks!

    @Parsnip: Lars has a big fan base!


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