Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, September 2, 2013

A Spoonful Of Vodka Helps The Spam Go Down

Every once in awhile they show themselves. Yes, the awful spammers. Either they're lurking in your junk file in your email, where you might expect to see pharmacy spam, real estate scams, pills for enlargements, and messages from the elusive Adriana who insists she show you nude pictures of herself. And then they turn up in your spam folders for your blog, where most of them go to die, never to be posted in an actual blog, caught for the spam that they are. Some of them are unintelligible. Others insult my regular readers (how many times have I seen the "is it just me, or do some of the comments seem to come from brain dead people" comment?). And others seek to let me take them on as apprentices or guest blogs, an act that I would only do if I weren't in my right mind, since it would result in a mass exodus of my readers.

So it is that a few days ago the following message, with a link spamming Prada handbags, ended up in my notifications for my blog. For obvious reasons, I did not add it into published comments.

Dear Mr Banks, I first came across your works about 15 years ago and since then I have eagerly awaited each new publication. Whatever the genre your works have been impeccably written and superbly imagined; never failing to excite and stimulate; never failing to amuse (and at times confuse); never failing to lift the imagination to a higher plane. I can only wish you well in these difficult times and my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for all your works to date.

Me again. Well, apparently our spamming friend seems to think my name is Mr. Banks. So sorry, but no, I can't say I'm an English banker who likes things in his life to be just so and hires nannies who are practically perfect in every way. In fact, I can't even pull off an English accent. Any time I make the attempt, I inevitably slide into an Australian or Irish accent. So no, I'm not Mr. Banks. Besides, I'm pretty sure I have no need of nannies, since I don't have children (at least that I know of). And I prefer a beard to just the plain mustache. Besides, I avoid at all costs the wearing of a noose... I mean, a tie. Yes, I do think my work amuses and confuses people (admit it, dear readers, you're wondering where my lunacy comes from, aren't you?), but that's hardly the point! And I'm pretty sure that what I was writing fifteen years ago has never seen the light of day, so what on Earth has this spammer been reading, and who's this Banks fellow he, she, or it seems to have me mistaken with?

I'm sorry, Not So Dear Spammer, but I don't know any nannies who look suspiciously like Julie Andrews and like to fly with umbrellas, defy the laws of gravity, and hang out with Dick Van Dyke, a couple of kids, and every chimney sweep in London on rooftops and in cartoon chalk drawings that feature dancing penguins and marijuana brownies during high tea. Nor do I know any nannies who break into song for no reason at all while telling children that there's fun to be had even in chores. I have never met people who have tea parties at the ceilings of their home. I would not knowingly hire someone clearly making use of the dark arts of witchcraft and who seems to know everything I think before I do. Let's face it, that's a bit creepy. I have never had the Bride of Frankenstein in my employ (look it up, we'll wait for you).  And I'm pretty sure that none of my neighbours are retired admirals who like firing their cannons (and violating the noise bylaws) from their rooftops twice a day. In short, I'm not Mr. Banks.

To the spammers: do you honestly think I'll publish your comments? Do you really believe I'm that foolish? I know, they'll never give up trying. And every once in awhile, they'll write something that I just have to comment on. Well, I leave you to it with these pics of the dark arts using nanny with the umbrella and a fondness for soot covered chimney sweeps turned jacks of all trades.

Just watch yourself around Mary Poppins, people. Never let your guard down. She knows what you're thinking. Yes. Every single thought that would shock the Sisters Of Little Or No Mercy.


  1. One has to wonder why the morons post this crap. Do they really find people gullible enough to respond? get emails from the spectacularly annoying Adriana too, do you? I've been trying to find a way to get rid of "her" unwanted messages myself....

  2. I'm just glad my blog has a good spam filter. I usually only see the spam in my email, where I quickly delete it. I'm not sure why people can't find better things to do with their time, though.

  3. Better Mary Poppins than some of the escort service and sex organ enhancement ads I sometimes get!

  4. The comments about their spam was almost as funny as yours. I'm so lucky. None of them follow me or if they do, I don't know about.

  5. I just got another "brain dead" comment today. The fact that the same spam keeps repeating with different links is laughable. Do they think I'm not going to notice because it's on different posts? It's the exact same message!

    Try harder, spammers. Stop insulting my intelligence.

  6. I'd like to hear your Australian/Irish. English accent William :))) Spammers are such a drag, my spammer 'thingy' seems to work quite well...damn I wish I hadn't said that :)))

  7. I thought Adriana was my one and only, but now I find she's been cheating.

  8. At least your spammer didn't explode onto your screen with bad grammar and back links.

    I'm so glad to be rid of the spam.

  9. Spammers are the bane of online existence! I'm grateful for the blog spam catcher myself. Hilarious Mary Poppins references, someone put out a YouTube clip of the Poppins movie trailer, except edited to make it look like a horror movie:)

  10. If Mary Poppins' magic is the reason I've been spamfree lately, I hope she doesn't leave when the wind changes.

    Excuse me now, I'm off to fly a kite.

  11. Those spam comments drive me crazy. There are just so many of them. Blogger has a good spam filter but some of those comments get published.

  12. @Norma: for some reason the sweep feature in email seems to let her keep sending emails to five million different people. Maybe she has five million rotating email accounts.

    @Kelly: I suspect they're paid by an organization with the name

    @Cheryl: These days Mary Poppins wouldn't come by way of torn up letter. She'd arrive with a printout of a deleted email.

    @Mari: consider yourself lucky!

    @J.E.: they'll never stop!

  13. @Grace: G'Day, mate, I'm the replacement for Steve Irwin, and t'day we're gonna be chasin' down a pesky Tasmanian devil...

    @Roger: with at least five million other people.

    @Diane: oh, I get plenty of those too.

    @LondonLulu: I'll look that up!

    @Lynn: "Mary Poppins! Come back! Save us from the evil spamming bankers!"

    @Auden: it's been awhile since one's sneaked past my spam filters, but every once in awhile...

  14. Having kids I've seen Mary Poppins numerous times and your description is hilarious. Now can I talk to you about erectile dysfunction?

  15. Oh, William, I missed your posts. You have a truly talented way of firing a zinger wrapped in humor! I haven't had any spam comments since I removed anon comments from settings. Get very little in e-mail as the system catches most.

    Thanks for stopping by. I'd heard about that Spanish guy and will check with our PBS to see if the program will be shown here -- or, hmm, maybe it was on the history channel. There are so many sidebars to WWII.

    Yes, you must visit Normandy, especially Juno Beach. There were quite a lot of Canadians visiting. However, it's a quiet, almost church-like experience with most talking done after one has visited certain spots and had time to reflect. The landing at Juno Beach was horrific -- that canal!

    Suggestion: Begin at Pegasis' Bridge and work your way to Juno, with a quick side trip to see the German flank. This way, the enormity of the Atlantic Wall and so on have a deeper impact on the beach's visit as one has seen so many tanks/bunkers/hedgerows, it's all very sobering.

  16. Adriana does not come to my folder (she says with lifting a finely curved brow).

  17. Oh no. Not Mary Poppins. Is nothing sacred?
    OK, so I thought the penguin scene was a little off too, but the rest of the movie is completely believable.

    And thanks for implanting that image of Dick Van Dyke permanently in my brain. I hadnever made the connection before, but you can bet I will never again see see someone with droopy drawers without that penguin dance coming to mind.

  18. I guess the spammers got tired of all the telephone hang-ups. Who responds to that crap? I mean someone must because it might be cheap, but it can't be free to do it. I'm going to add it to my list of mysteries.

  19. Blog spam, I swear it's been insane lately. I can barely keep on top of it. Makes me crazy!!

    And Mary Poppins, so totally a time lord.

  20. Too funny! Love me some Poppins on LSD!. lol

  21. Let's see . . . a discourse on spam leads to a riff on nannies . . . uh, how? I think I missed the connection.

    William, your mind truly works in mysterious ways!


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.