Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, January 19, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:10 AM. Waking up in the presence of the staff, who is for some reason still asleep. Time for breakfast, staff. Wake up.

7:15 AM. Sitting on top of the covers, directly on staff. Staring at her as she dozes. Tempted to swat at her cheek with my paw. Should I use claws, or keep them retracted?

Alarm clock goes off, ending that personal debate.

7:40 AM. Staff comes downstairs in a rush. Staff, I want breakfast post haste, and for the last time, it cannot be field rations.

7:41 AM. I am displeased. Displeased in the absolute sense!

Field rations!


7:50 AM. Staff heading out front door. Off to that silly work place she goes to.

Reluctantly go into kitchen to eat field rations.

8:20 AM. Sitting by front windows, staring out at snow. There really is a lot of it.

8:35. Can hear the distant barking of a dog. Sounds like that idiot dog from the farm down the road.

What am I saying? All dogs are idiots.

11:15 AM. Waking up from nap. No trace of staff. Will turn on television for awhile. Maybe I can find something interesting.

11:18 AM. Why is there footage from that Washington place on every channel?

11:22 AM. Blowhard commentators yakking on and on about Inauguration Day. Oh, come on. First of all, I'm Canadian, so this doesn't apply to me. Second, a president still is a lot lower on the ladder than a cat.

11:35 AM. Can find nothing else on television but this inauguration thing.

Really, television? This is the best you can do?

11:40 AM. Simple fact. American Presidents, regardless of party, tend to have an appallingly bad habit of having dogs in the White House.

At least the British have their priorities straight. There's a cat in Ten Downing, and the cat even has a cabinet title. Chief Mouser To The Cabinet. Not quite Supreme Excellency And Benevolent Overlord, as we expect, but it's a step in the right direction.

11:55 AM. Vice President taking the oath. Manages not to sneak the word malarkey into the mix.

11:59 AM. President taking the oath of office. For some reason, he's not pledging allegiance to felines everywhere. This is most disturbing.

12:20 PM. Talking heads droning on and on. Turning off television. Time for a nap. Will dream of being crowned Supreme Excellency And Benevolent Overlord.

3:45 PM. Waking up from nap. Turning on television to see if I can find something along the lines of When Cats Attack.

They're still covering this inauguration thing????

6:10 PM. Staff arriving home. Calls out to say hello. Staff, you had better have some treats for me. The American President refused to pledge allegiance to us cats, even though we are clearly the ultimate life form on the planet. I am quite put out at the moment...

6:35 PM. Staff making dinner. I can smell meat. Now, if she'll just do as I command and feed me...

6:40 PM. Staff sets down bowl of milk and plate of raw lamb strips. Staff, there may be hope for you yet...

6:50 PM. Staff eating her own dinner. Stepping into living room. News on. One of those anchors is muttering something about someone named Russell Brand pushing the ambassador of Belgium into the Potomac after hitting him in the face with a cream pie.

Isn't Russell Brand that drunken idiot who seems to delude himself into thinking he's amusing? And by extension, doesn't he look like something I cough up on occasion?

7:25 PM. Russell Brand issues rambling live statement declaring that he's really, really, really sorry, and swears it won't happen again.

8:15 PM. Anchors remarking on how this is really more of a British problem, rather than an American issue, since Russell is a British citizen. Staff remarks on how those witless buffoons at Entertainment Tonight must be going into overdrive trying to track down Katy Perry for comment. Staff is not impressed with entertainment reporters. For good reason.

9:25 PM. Belgian leader gives live statement on television. What time is it over there anyway? Demands Russell Brand be extradited immediately. Darkly threatens to keep all Belgian chocolates from leaving the country. Well played, sir, well played. Almost worthy of a cat.

The staff gasps in shock.

9:55 PM. Press Secretary announces that Russell Brand has been taken into custody and will be on his way to Europe tonight. Adds that there will be no holdups in Belgian chocolate shipments from Europe.

Staff rejoices.

11:20 PM. Russell Brand on television, being dragged up stairs onto plane at airport, protesting that this shouldn't be happening to him.

Staff turns off television, and picks me up.

Staff, wait. Bedtime is when I stipulate, and not a moment before.

It's futile. Staff doesn't listen, and takes me upstairs, stroking behind my ears. Can't help myself. Start purring madly. Happens every time she strokes me there.

Okay, so the day's over. All in all, not a bad day.

Well, unless you're Russell Brand.


  1. Frankencat, hahahahhahaha!!

    Kittens are too cute, got my cuteness warm fuzzies for the day. Thanks!!

  2. I don't know Russle B from Adam, but so glad that chocolates will be safe heading to me...

    "thumbs... I need thumbs" LOL!

  3. Soft Kitty! From The Big Bang Theory!

    Russell Brand looks like something the cat coughed up. I knew he looked familiar!

    Hello Kitty...Hell Kitty...sounds like a Jekyll and Hyde issue to me!

    Excellent blog as always!

  4. I love the little tea cup kitties.

    Hugs and chocolate.

  5. Ack.... because of "The Big Bang Theory" I started to sing that song !
    and laughing at the same time.
    I loved Huey, Dewey, Louie and Bob the best.

    cheers, parsnip

  6. Lol! These blogs make me miss my cats.:( But I'm beginning to think Emma is part cat. She sits there with that half bored, half I'm-better-than-everyone-else look on her face.

  7. I heard the soft kitty song on The Big Bang, too, and couldn't help singing it! And I never knew Hello Kitty had split personalities!

  8. OK William....
    Because of you I have been singing that Soft Kitty song all day.
    Not Good !

    cheers, parsnip

  9. Never knew Russell Brand is this famous! For what? Why? Keep him!! LOL!!

    Take care

  10. @Diane: you're welcome!

    @Lorelei: I've got an idea or two on how to keep going with the Russell Brand angle...

    @Norma: I think Russell might have been coughed up by a tiger once...

    @Shelly: aren't they just too cute?

    @Parsnip: I've never seen that series!

    @Krisztina: it might be!

    @Cheryl: Apparently Hello Kitty's staff want to only put on her best side publicly...

    @Parsnip: fortunately I've never heard the Soft Kitty song!

    @Old Kitty: Nobody wants Russell!

    @Lynn: they do like doing that...

  11. Hahaha, I felt like that cat needing coffee this very morning! The synchronized sleeping is adorable and hilarious - thank you for the laughs:)) (PS That tree with the long-reaching roots must've been quite a sight! Nature is amazing.)

  12. As a Big Bang Theory lover, that soft kitty image was awesome. Loved the Lord of the Rings one too!

  13. Can you promise that Russell Brand will meet a really bad end in the not too distant future?

  14. Very funny. You see, this is why all my cat-sitting kitty-clients love me..I have the thumbs. :) Deb

  15. Flicked through your posts and left laughing. Just what I needed, William, a good giggle, thanks!

  16. @LondonLulu: cats sleep like a creature without conscience, as my grandfather used to say...

    @Auden: thank you!

    @Scarlett and James: with any luck, he will!

    @Deb: that can come in more than handy!

    @Glynis: you're most welcome!


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