Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Starfleet Captain

Stardate 56899.5. Captain's log. 0800 hours. Waking up. Must replicate tea, Earl Grey, hot. Can't start a day without it.

0801. Replicators must be malfunctioning again. Tea tastes like Romulan ale. This is what we get for subcontracting building starships to Teamsters.

0830. On bridge to relieve night watch. Confer with first officer. En route to Deep Space Ten to take on new crew members on assignment. Hopefully none of them will be overeager little twits like that late and unlamented former Ensign who shall go unnamed...

0834. This will not do. Looking at list of new crew members waiting at Deep Space Ten. One name stands out.

Why didn't anyone tell me that dolt Ensign Chemiserouge had a brother???

0845. Annoyed. Profoundly annoyed. Here I thought I was rid of that idiot Chemiserouge, and now I've got another one coming on board my ship.

This after the first one nearly caused an interstellar crisis with the Andorians and the Cardassians.

1105. Arriving at Deep Space Ten. Leaving my first officer to get the new crew settled. Have given her strict instructions not to let Ensign Chemiserouge the Second on the bridge. Stick the little nitwit somewhere that he can't do any harm. Like deflector control. Or painting the outside of the ship.

While we're at warp.

1325. Back en route from Deep Space Ten. Have received word of possible Breen encursion in Sector 1745. Engaged at maximum warp. First Officer reports all new crew settling in.

Confirms that Ensign Chemiserouge is as much of a nitwit as his brother was.

1335. New arrival on bridge. Ensign Chemiserouge walks over and introduces himself in that same infernally annoying cheerful tone that his brother used to have. Claims it's a great pleasure to be serving on the same ship that his big brother served on. Thinking of having him meet a bad ending in a transporter accident.

1340. Insist to Ensign Chemiserouge that his presence on the bridge is not required at this time. He seems oblivious to my disdain.

1345. Arrival in Sector 1745. Breen ships attacking El-Aurian transport ship. Ordering all crew to battle stations. Breen must never be underestimated.

Ensign Chemiserouge proclaims he has a brilliant idea and dashes up to Tactical.

1346. Ensign Chemiserouge ordered off bridge after forgetting to arm the photon torpedo before firing.

1355. Have engaged and defeated the Breen ship, which is now beating hasty retreat out of the sector. Dispatching medical and engineering teams to El-Aurian transport to assist.

Thinking of whether or not I can have Chemiserouge court martialed on his first day.

1515. First Officer briefs me on status of El-Aurian transport, crew, and passengers. All seems well. We discuss the best way to handle the Chemiserouge problem.

1530. Beaming over to El-Aurian ship. Meeting the captain. Must apologize for that stray photon torpedo that bumped into the ship during the battle. Explaining that a rather foolish junior officer thought he was trying to help. Captain is very understanding. Says that one of his officers is an idiot too.

1655. Have escorted El-Aurian transport to their final destination. No further signs of Breen activity in sector. En route to survey Sector 1752.

Time to chew out that nitwit Ensign Chemiserouge.

1710. Have found Ensign Chemiserouge in Astrometrics. As expected, Chemiserouge is apologetic, going on and on about how being a Starfleet officer is all he ever wanted to do. Seems incapable of letting me get one word in as he keeps chattering away. Talks about distant ancestors who died on board cruise ships, or in plane crashes with a South American soccer team in the Andes, or in battle, or in zoo mishaps.  I don't really care about your family, Ensign.

1725. Have finally interrupted Ensign Chemiserouge. Resisting temptation to kick his butt. Warning him that he must not go anywhere near a weapon's system on board. Or engineering. Inform him that I'm assigning him to custodial maintenance for the next six months.

What damage could he do there, after all?

1835. Off duty for evening. Heading to Ten Forward. Confer with chief engineer, who informs me replicator problems are being looked into. The lieutenant commander informs me that his team have determined that the late and unlamented Ensign Chemiserouge once inadvertantly created a computer virus that messes with the replicator program, adding that it's a nuisance trying to rid the computer of the virus.

Wonderful. If it's not one nitwit Ensign Chemiserouge annoying me all day, it's the dead one still annoying me from beyond the grave.

1845. Having dinner in Ten Forward. Ensign Chemiserouge turns up, apologizing once again. Wondering if I could get away with a phaser "accident".

1900. Called to bridge. Ferengi ship in vicinity. As usual, their captain demands to speak to the commanding officer. What is it with Ferengis? Did they ever hear of manners?

2025. Have spent more than an hour conferring with Ferengi captain, repeatedly telling him that no, I don't have anything I care to trade. Ferengi can't seem to take a hint about my not being in the mood to barter.

Wondering though if I can trade that infernal nitwit Ensign Chemiserouge over to him.

2100. Have finally left bridge. So much for catching up on my reading. Maybe I'll spend some time in the holodeck.

2230. Back in personal quarters. Time to turn in for the night. Spent time on holodeck with customized program. Killing both Ensign Chemiserouges over and over and over and over again.

If only I could do the same to the living one still on my ship....


  1. Picard had better lay off Grumpy Cat!

    The Grumpy One and Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds could easily rid him of his problem, after all!

    This is hilarious!

  2. Naturally, I had to laugh at the Chief Engineer's merging with the cat Spot.

    And I can't believe anyone would assign Chemiserouge to custodial maintenance. A lot of room for his active mind to design new disasters there!

  3. You must not know what custodians do while working maintenance. Let's see water, elimination systems, oh, yes, the food replica area, they could all be gone within a short time. I dunno, I kinda liked the Cardassian!

  4. LOL, I can't get over the substances affecting the aging process! Must get Earl Grey Tea. Hilarious, as always:)

  5. I can't tell you how very much I love the red shirts/Walking dead pic.

  6. Spacbook, huh? And what's up with the chick's crazy eye?

    Hugs and chocolate,

  7. Love the Klingon Proverb. Fun post, William!

  8. Lol. I love that cat pic! When I was a kid I would put my headbands over my eyes like that and pretend I was Jordi. I know, I know...nerd alert!

  9. Looking back on the old pics of Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, I understand why the Captain was always the one who got kisses on just about every episode I ever watched, but still...I had the hugest crush on Spock! LOL

    Nice pics!

  10. The Cardassians! What a hoot. I laughed outright.

  11. Great post I loved the deep frying the Tribbles photo!

  12. @Norma: Grumpy Cat wouldn't care for Picard giving orders...

    @Cheryl: I hadn't thought of that!

    @Mari: lots of mischief for him to get into... looks like I'll have to make use of that if I do another of these blogs...

    @Jane and Chris: One can't read those words without hearing Patrick Stewart...

    @LondonLulu: Lots of Earl Grey!

    @Mark: it's entirely fitting!

  13. @Shelly: if I recall, that ep features time travel, and she does an exasperated eyeroll as a future time officer is going on about the perils of messing with time...

    @Lynn: thank you!

    @Krisztina: lots of people are!

    @Diane: Spock groupies, form a line here...

    @Kittie: thanks!

    @Deb: the little furballs had it coming!

  14. I'm dying over the picture of Data's cat. LOL

  15. Oh, those good old times. What great imagination.

  16. Poor Red Shirts!

    And we think Ensign Chemiserouge should be transported out into the emptiness of space.

  17. I keep commenting on blogs but nothing's happening. Anyway, this is a trekkie's dream blog!

  18. The Klingon Proverb is my fave. Too flippin funny!!

  19. @Kelly: I couldn't resist!

    @Angelika: thanks for stopping in!

    @Scarlett and James: he deserves it!

    @Eve: it's getting through. I keep wondering if I keep doing these, if some Trekkie will come along and yell, "You made a mistake!!!"

    @RedPat: liked it, huh?

    @PK: Apparently the Klingons had it right about those nasty little furry critters...


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