7:30 AM. Awakened by sound of the human upstairs. Feeling peckish. Must decide if I should go upstairs and whine for breakfast or just sit at the bottom of the stairs with my patented sad eyes look.
7:55 AM. Human descends stairs, gives me a pat on the head. Hello, human. You seem cheerful today. I'll be all the more cheerful when I have a bit of breakfast, just in case you're thinking of things to do...
8:00 AM. The human gives me breakfast. Is there anything in this world better than yummy dog kibbles?
Yum yum yum....
8:10 AM. The human lets me out the door to run. Lots of snow all over the ground. Oh boy!!!!
8:30 AM. Dashing through the snow, on a one track mind at play... over the fields I go, barking all the way...
9:15 AM. Continuing my morning constitutional (or mad dash of a raving lunatic, as the neighbour calls it) through the fields and meadows. Lots and lots of snow. Wondering if I can get the human to come on out and build a snowman. Or snow dog.
10:25 AM. Home at last. Feeling knackered out after plowing through snow and burrowing out snow tunnels. Will have to talk human into letting me lie by fireplace.
10:27 AM. Human looks dismayed at how snow can cling to my fur like that.
Human, I'm a dog. That does happen.
10:35 AM. Human has finished towelling me off, and I head into living room. Fireplace is lit up, and feels nice and toasty. Nap time.
Human, you'll wake me for lunch, right? I have mooching to do.
12:40 PM. Waking up from nap. Living room looks odd. Why is there a tree in here? And why is the human decorating it like that?
12:45 PM. Sniffing at tree and tinsel. Human seems entirely too cheerful. Admonishes me that this tree is not to be used as my own personal rest stop or for marking my territory.
Human, give me a little credit. The tree is inside. I only do that outside. Though I do have to question your sanity, bringing one of those things into the house...
1:05 PM. Human placing wrapped packages underneath the tree. Sniffing carefully. Nothing that smells edible, unfortunately.
All right, human, what's going on here anyway? Have you taken leave of your senses?
1:15 PM. Human tells me that in a few days from now there's something called Christmas. Sounds oddly suspicious to me. Will have to inquire with neighbourhood dogs to determine the truth about these things.
Sounds an awful lot like something a cat would come up with.
1:30 PM. Human making lunch. Manage to mooch a dinner roll. Yummy!
2:45 PM. Still puzzled by all these new decorations. Staring at tree. Dazzled by ornament balls. Wonder what one would taste like...
2:46 PM. Human tells me to stay away from the decorations.
All I was doing was sniffing it, human!
2:55 PM. Human informs me her relatives are coming up for Christmas. That word again. Wait... relatives? Not the little kids. Not them!
Kids pull on my ears and my tail! Human, you can't let them anywhere near me...
3:25 PM. Dismayed by prospect of having the human's relatives around. Not looking forward to seeing little children. Human compensates by giving me cookies. Sugar cookies sprinkled with red and green icing.
Yum yum yum...
3:45 PM. Out the door for a run. Will go over to neighbor to consult as to if this Christmas thing is something created by a cat.
3:55 PM. Have come to see Spike- or Spike The Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels, as he likes to be called- over at the next farm over. He's a whole six years old, so he knows lots more than I do about everything.
3:57 PM. Spike informs me that no, Christmas is not a conspiracy generated by cats. It is a peculiar holiday celebrated by humans. Spike cautions me not to let my human put a Santa hat on me for pictures. Also advises me to hide from kids. Says they will use me as a reindeer.
What's a Santa hat?
4:20 PM. Have returned home. Still wondering what a Santa hat is...
6:55 PM. Human getting dinner table set. Delicious smells of meat from oven. Mooching successful. Human gives me slab of meat in my bowl. Tastes like roast beef. Is there anything in this world better than roast beef?
8:35 PM. Human settles down for what she calls the perfect Christmas movie.
10:25 PM. Bruce Willis drops Alan Rickman off a tower. Human, I'm very confused as to how this is a Christmas movie.
11:35 PM. Human getting ready to turn in for the night. Hangs brightly coloured stockings up by the fireplace. Now I'm really confused.
Maybe it's time to have the human checked out by a licensed shrink....