Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, December 22, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:35 AM. Awake. The staff is still slumbering. Staff, wake up. I demand breakfast.

7:36 AM. Must resort to drastic measures. Wrapping my paws around her foot and applying just the right amount of claw and teeth pressure ought to wake up the staff.

7:37 AM. Staff wakes up, making remarks that tread rather close to disrespect. No, staff, you will not trim my claws. Now, get up. Feed me.

7:50 AM. Staff finally comes downstairs. Took long enough, staff. Time for my breakfast, and I'm warning you for the three hundredth time this year, it had better not be field rations. 

7:52 AM. A bowl full of field rations. Oh, you will pay, staff, you will pay...

8:15 AM. Staff lets me out for my morning stroll. It's been snowing heavily. Stare back at staff at door, as if to make her wonder if I'm coming or going.

8:16 AM. Reluctantly press one paw into the snow. My, it's cold. Sigh to myself, and head out into it. Will expect to be in and out often today.

8:30 AM. Spot neighbourhood dog running like an idiot through his fields, barking his idiot head off.  Dogs are such morons.

10:40 AM. Returning home after extensive patrol. Leap onto windowsill to get the attention of staff. Where is she anyway?

10:43 AM. Staff finally lets me back inside.

10:44 AM. Very puzzling. Staff has brought in an evergreen tree into the living room and is in the process of decorating it with ornaments, tinsel, and lights. Staff, I did not approve of your making any changes in my house. What do you think you're doing?

10:45 AM. Have consulted calendar in kitchen. Christmas is in three days. Ah, that explains the tree and the decorations.

Still, it does not excuse the staff doing anything like this without my express approval.

10:55 AM. Watching staff continue to decorate tree. Wondering if I can swat one of those ornaments out of the tree without her seeing. For some reason she's listening to Streisand singing that abominable Twelve Days of Christmas song. And she's singing along to it.

Staff, that song never ends. I swear, you have no taste at all.

That's it, I'm leaving the room until the song's over. It should only take four hours.

2:45 PM. Have woken up from nap upstairs. No sound of profoundly annoying song from stereo. Descending stairs.

2:46 PM. Have found staff in living room, drinking hot chocolate. Tree fully decorated. Will spend time staring at it. Must select targets among the decorations.

3:10 PM. Have just knocked that wooden nutcracker ornament out of the tree. Staff tut-tuts me.

Come on, staff, that thing is just tacky.

3:35 PM. Staff in process of placing brightly coloured wrapped parcels beneath tree. Remembering these are called presents. Sniffing at everything. No trace of catnip. Staff, what about mine?

3:40 PM. Staff informs me that her sister is coming over for Christmas with the husband and kids.

Wait. What? I have told you before, that idiot husband and the annoying children are not welcome here! You will revoke the invitation, staff!

4:15 PM. Despite my protests, the staff is oblivious to my displeasure about her letting her relatives into my home for Christmas.

Will have to scout out an ideal place to hide all Christmas day. Cannot tolerate the idea of being poked, prodded, and dressed like an idiot by those annoying children.

4:16 PM. Have quickly decided that hiding all day up in the Christmas tree would probably not be a wise choice. Too many needles, too much of a chance of being spotted by the annoying relatives.

4:55 PM. Have selected ideal location in the study. A nice spot behind a box in the closet. I can get in there, but children should be unable to move the box. An ideal refuge.

Assuming the staff doesn't do something foolish on Christmas Day... like closing the closet door.

5:10 PM. Have tested out comfort level of my refuge spot. It will suffice. Not happy about the idea of being confined there all day, but better that than to be tormented by children.

I swear, it had better only be for the day. If those relatives are planning on staying a couple of days, I will be even more unhappy about it than I already am...

6:25 PM. The staff is making dinner. Smells like lambchops. I like lambchops. Staff, it will speak well of you if you feed me lambchops through the remainder of the year.

I might even forgive you for inviting your idiot relations without consulting me.

7:10 PM. The staff has set down a bowl of milk and a plate with chunks of lamb. Ah, now this is better, staff. You're treating me as I rightly deserve. Now, how about you feed me lamb for breakfast too?

9:15 PM. Staff watching silly Christmas movie. That dimwitted drooling buffoon Tim Allen playing Santa Claus. Staff, this guy is a dolt. And he's not funny. Turn on something else. Like a special on lions.

11:15 PM. Staff ready to turn in for the night. Spending my time sniffing at the tree. Wondering why she hangs candy canes in there too. Thinking of swatting that Elvis ornament with my paw...

Staff picks me up before I have a chance to do so, and brings me upstairs.

Rats. Foiled again...


  1. Once again, you've successfully crawled into the mind of a kitty!

    I can't decide which pic I like best, in spite of my special fondness for Grumpy Cat....

  2. An easy decision, Norma. The "but you promised," beats the rest of the pictures.

  3. Maybe I like cats after all. This is a great post and I feel the same way about my couch.

  4. Great post as always.
    So many favorites to pick from but I like the deer and cat one the best.
    I have the big kitties Mountain Lion where I live, no need for an indoor cat.

    cheers, parsnip

  5. This poor cat's staff listens to Streisand?

    That's cruel and unusual punishment!

  6. @Norma: the mind of a cat is a good place to be...

    @Mari: that and it's Grumpy Cat.

    @Eve: couches are so very comfortable, after all...

    @Whisk and Deb: thank you!

    @Parsnip: I'd love to hear a mountain lion purr...

    @Scarlett and James: Streisand should be brought up on charges of crimes against humanity.

  7. William, Mountain Lions don't purrr or maybe they do but when they stand there and look at you with those eyes..... thinking, who waits around to hear if they purr ?
    We had one moseying around for several day in the neighborhood last month.
    They can go where ever they want, just not towards me.

    cheers, parsnip

  8. I laughed so hard at the cat that would escape pic.

    I'm in agreement with cat about 12 days of Christmas... and relatives you can't stand. I'd hide too!

  9. LOL. That 2nd one is me at work. Gotta have that first cup of coffee.


  10. My cat wouldn't just knock off a few decorations. It would take the whole tree down. I think it wasn't getting enough attention at Christmas time.

  11. @Parsnip: definitely a critter you don't want to be too close too...

    @Lynn: I should keep the laser pointer theme in mind for a future blog...

    @Lorelei: I would hide too!

    @Diane: thank you!

    @Krisztina: Grumpy Cat is irresistable.

    @Helen: cats will be cats...


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