Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

P Is For Play It Again, Electric Mayhem

The lair of Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson, deep in the Alberta foothills. Grover the Muppet looks astonished by the arrival of another person in the large room where he’s being held. Mr. Johnson and his cohort, the mad scientist and clone Damian Hooper, look annoyed. And at the door, legendary Mountie Inspector Lars Ulrich holds a gun, aimed at the two villains.
“How in the hell did you find us? And where’s a hired goon when you really need one?” Johnson asks in a tone of utter dismay and disgust.
“Um, sir?” Grover starts. “I believe you meant to say where is a hired goon? That to me, sir, is proper grammar, sir, and it is something you should make every effort to keep to, sir.”
“Will you shut up already?” Johnson snaps at Grover.
“I will shut up, sir, but only because doing so will keep you calm, sir, and you really need to stay calm. There is no need for you to lose your temper, sir,” Grover says in his usual droning voice. “After all, sir, I do not think we need to bring my SuperGrover persona into this situation, now do...”
“You really don’t know when to shut up,” Damian tells Grover.
“You’re under arrest,” Ulrich calls out.
“Inspector, sir, I believe you mean you are under arrest,” Grover suggests.
“Hey! Shut up!” Ulrich tells the Muppet.
“How did you find us, Ulrich?” Johnson demands with a sneer. “And how did you get past my legions of guards?”
“Well, how we found you isn’t important,” Ulrich declares. “As for your guards, they’re all under arrest. I’ve got a whole detachment of Mounties outside cuffing them as we speak. It’s all over, Johnson. You and your friend here are going to prison. And before you say it, Grover, don’t even think of saying that I should have put it as how we found you is not important.
“I will try to refrain from saying that, sir,” Grover promises. “You should know, sir, that this man is the clone, sir, of the late Mr. Hooper, sir. Apparently Mr. Hooper was a mad scientist, sir, and managed to conceal that from everyone who knew him.”
“Will you shut up already?” Johnson screams at Grover. “And who uses expository dialogue when they speak?” He turns to Ulrich. “Look, Ulrich, I know you hate this little blue Muppet as much as I do. Just let me kill him already. It’s not as if you’ll miss him, right? It’s what we all want! The death of Grover! Don’t deny what you know to be true.”
Grover looks at Johnson, who seems to be reaching behind, for something hidden at his waistband. Grover sees the gun as Johnson slowly starts to pull at it. “A gun! Sir, he has a gun!” Grover yells.
Johnson starts to raise the gun to fire at Ulrich. Ulrich shoots first, and the Muppet goes down, dropping his gun.  Damian stares at the fallen Muppet, then at the gun. Ulrich advances on them both, aiming the gun squarely at Damian. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he warns Damian, kicking Johnson’s gun away.
Johnson is holding his upper arm, where a bullet has torn through. Stuffing is clearly visible. “Owwwwww!!!! You shot me, you bastard!” Johnson snarls, groaning.
“Oh, shut up!” Ulrich tells him, beginning to cuff Damian.
“You know, that’s not very polite for a Mountie,” Damian says without resisting.
“Yes, well, I’m not a very polite Mountie,” Ulrich remarks.
“Sir! You have saved my life, sir!” Grover says with enthusiasm. “But I must ask... are you sure you did not mean to say I am not a very polite Mountie?”
Ulrich glares at Grover. “You shut up too.”
Grover looks confused. “But sir, all I did was correct you, sir.”

New York City; Sesame Street. The news that Grover has been rescued and the villains behind the kidnapping arrested has reached the famous locale of a children’s show, and the celebrations have begun. Longtime bickering couple Bert and Ernie break down into tears of joy. Kermit the Frog speaks to the media about the relief all of the street’s residents feel to know that Grover will be coming home safely. Cookie Monster gorges himself on double stuffed Oreos in celebration. Professor Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker appear before the press.
“It’s a wonderful thing, knowing that Grover is alive and well,” Honeydew tells the reporters. “Though I had no idea that Harold Hooper was a mad scientist. I thought I was the only one who dabbled in unethical science. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Beaker and I have a test to run on the effects of a lightning bolt on the body of a Muppet. Come along, Beaker.”
Beaker, looking as frayed and frantic as ever, looks around as if seeking an escape, and then blurts out, “Meep! Meep meep meep!”

The lair of Mr. Johnson. Mounties stream in and out of the place late in the night. Johnson, Damian, and their hired guns have all been taken off into custody. Grover the Muppet has long been untied and freed from the chair. He walks over to Inspector Ulrich, who is conferring with one of his fellow Mounties.
“Sir? Inspector, sir? I must thank you, sir.”
“Yes, well, you’re welcome.”
“Oh, sir, you have saved my life, sir. I can never repay that debt, sir. I will always be grateful to you sir, for doing the right thing, sir. And while I am saying it, sir, I might add that you must have meant you are welcome.”
Ulrich sighs, and rolls his eyes. “You want to thank me for saving your life?”
“Absolutely, sir, most indeed, sir, I must thank you repeatedly sir.”
“Here’s how. Stop correcting me when I use contractions,” Ulrich insists.
“Do you not mean here is... Oh, yes, I see, sir. I will do all I can to curb that instinct, sir.”
“Good. Now, let’s get you home. The sooner you’re out of my jurisdiction, the better.”
The two walk towards the exit. Grover looks up at Ulrich. “You know, sir, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, sir.”
Ulrich shakes his head. “Will you shut up already?”
“Was it something I said, sir?”



  1. I wonder if Elmo groped Katy when she was on Sesame Street?

  2. Your Lars Ulrich makes me think of Nelson Eddy minus the singing. Of course, Grover makes up for that.

  3. Haha, well they got some good adventures out of the whole ordeal! (And a great final glance of the muppet band - I'm told some band members were modeled after real musicians:)

  4. A happy ending for everyone, except Beaker.

  5. Maybe they groped each other in the dressing room? :)

  6. I was wondering what Norma was wondering.

    Hugs and chocolate,

  7. @Norma: not that I could blame Elmo...

    @Lorelei: given that she was once involved with that thing the cat threw up that calls itself Russell Brand, maybe she has a thing for furry critters.

    @Deb: Lars will always (grudgingly) save the day

    @Mari: I don't think Lars is much for singing...

    @M.R.: thank you!

    @LondonLulu: Yes, but everyone loves Animal the most out of the band...

    @Karla: poor Beaker!

    @Diane: This could be the reason Katy and Russell broke up...

    @Shelly: inquiring minds want to know...

  8. Oh my, I hope Groper never reads my blog, I live for the contraction haha!

  9. Just when we think you can't get any stranger, William...

  10. The muppets always kind of freaked me out.

  11. Definitely a strange take on the muppets! And indeed, poor Beaker!

  12. Bet Ulrich will think twice before his next rescue! Or at least find out if it's a Muppet!

  13. @Grace: Grover might be displeased...

    @Scarlett and James: then I get even stranger...

    @Kelly: it's the way they talk. Must be.

    @Lena: Beaker is the best!

    @Cheryl: Lars will send another Mountie in next time...


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.