A Day In The Life Of A Dog

7:45 AM. Wake and alert. Human coming down stairs. How is it she woke up before me?

Wag tail. Look happy. Not that hard for a dog to do....

7:50 AM. Human lets me out back door. Time for my morning run. Sprint like a maniac, or to borrow a phrase from Gandalf, fly, you fools.

9:10 AM. Have returned home after long run around the farm. Barked at two barn cats (stupid barn cats), chased four squirrels, woofed at two groundhogs. Showed them who's boss. Well, all except the cats, who seem to think they're boss.

Breakfast time!

9:12 AM. Inside for breakfast. Kibbles! Oh, my very favourite food! Yum yum yum!

9:20 AM. Having had followed my human around for a little while, I find myself confused by her putting up decorations on windows. Carved pumpkins, skeletons, and fake webs. This is very puzzling.

9:45 AM. Human tells me it's Hallowe'en tonight. Something about trick or treaters showing up tonight. Oh, I see. Well, as long as they're not cat people... or little kids. I still remember all those relations of yours with kids who think I'm a horse, and let's not let that happen again.

10:55 AM. Human having morning coffee. Manage to mooch a cookie off her. Yum yum yum.

1:25 PM. Wake up on porch. Missed lunch. Missed chance to mooch!

3:30 PM. Have successfully swindled a scone from human during afternoon tea. This makes up for missing lunch.

5:55 PM. Human starts making dinner early. Nice smell in kitchen. Making lasagna. Tends to be sloppy eating. At least for a dog... Wondering if I can manage to swindle her into putting some in a bowl.

6:10 PM. Human tells me lasagna isn't good for me. Oh, come on, if that cartoon cat can get away with it...

6:15 PM. Human gives me stewing beef cuts for dinner. Oh, human!!!! My very favourite! Have I told you in the last five minutes how much I love you? Yum yum yum...

6:16 PM. Finished eating. Wondering if there's more.

6:17 PM. Human tells me that's all for today. Rats.

6:45 PM. Human having dinner. Lasagna still smells good, but my sad eyes don't seem to be helping for some reason. Hearing doorbell. Human gets up, and pushes plate away from edge. Just where I can't reach it.

Unless I get up on the table.

6:46 PM. Human off to answer door. Decide not to tempt fate. Besides, there's a bowl of kaiser rolls close to the edge of the table. Paws up on chair. Snatching a roll. Move off to living room. Yum yum yum...

6:47 PM. Catch sight of human. Children at door in garish costumes. Human giving them candy. What's this, and how can I get in on this racket?

6:50 PM. Have returned to kitchen. Human has placed bowl of candy on table, out of my reach. Tells me chocolate is no good for me. Wondering why, then, it's acceptable to give it to strange children. Human stares at me as if wondering what I've done. Too late to check mirror to see if there are any bread crumbs around my snout.

7:25 PM. Pattern continues. Children in garish costumes coming to door. Human giving them candy. Where has she been hiding that candy? How could I have not known? And why won't she let me have just one? Or two? Or three?

8:05 PM. Follow human warily to door when she answers. More garishly dressed children. Very confused by this tradition. At least they're not yelling "Doggie!" and demanding rides. Even more confused by my human's continued tendency to give away candy.

8:30 PM. Human settling down to watching a horror movie on television. Human, you remember what happened last time you watched one of these. You spent six weeks sleeping with every light in the house on. Come on, you shouldn't be watching this.

9:05 PM. The number of garishly dressed children seems to have abated somewhat. Have not seen any sign of them in fifteen minutes at least. Human watching naked couple skinny dipping in pond getting murdered by axe wielding door to door salesman. Amend that: human watching, her hands covering her eyes.

9:35 PM. Human screeches like a banshee as axe-wielding salesman goes after schoolbus full of orphans. Human, it's just a movie. And not a particularly well done movie.

9:56 PM. Human wails in terror as axe wielding salesman eats orphan soup. Well, this is what you get for watching horror movies, human. Don't say I didn't tell you so, because I told you so.

10:25 PM. Of course, the babysitter who survived earlier in the film manages to off the axe wielding salesman in a wood chipper. Just watch yourself, these lunatics in these films are never dead the first time you've killed them...

10:26 PM. Human watches as on film, babysitter approaches wood chipper. Just at last second, arm lunges out. Human screams. Babysitter screams on film. Gunshots ring out on screen. What's left of axe wielding maniac falls dead, thanks to the last minute timely intervention of crazy old academic with a gun played by Betty White.

11:25 PM. Human wonders how she'll ever get any sleep tonight without thinking of horror movies. Don't worry, human. I'll come on up and you can hug me.

Besides, I have to do something to make up for eating that kaiser roll you still don't know about.