Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, October 15, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7: 55 AM. Awakened by sound of staff on upper floor. Could she try not to make those floorboards creak so much? I prefer to wake up when it pleases me, and not before. Just for that, I'll have to stretch myself fully across her pillows before she goes to bed tonight. Maximize the inconvenience for her. That would be ideal....

8:10 AM. Staff descends stairs. I glare at her from countertop. She bids me good morning. I continue to glare. Staff, this glare means you had best occupy yourself in preparing my breakfast. And I expect only the best. If you feed me field rations yet again, I shall be most disappointed in you.

8:15 AM. Staff has placed field rations in a bowl on the floor.

We will have words later, staff. I do not like kibbles. They're for a lower form of life. Like a dog.

8:45 AM. Staff opens door for me to take my morning constitutional. Will say hello to wildlife as I see it. If I see mice or birds, I'll say, "hello, morning snack."

9:25 AM. Making rounds of vicinity around property. Have spotted two neighbouring dogs, barking as always. Dogs are stupid. I wonder why they don't realize we would never lower ourselves to speak dog.

10:10 AM. Have returned home. Puzzled by presence of extra car on driveway.

10:11. Staff lets me inside. Hearing voices. Oh no... it's the staff's annoying sister. Her idiot husband.

And their two kids!

10:12 AM. Too late. The mewling brats have caught me. Both girls, both chattering on about playing dressup with me. That is beneath my station in life. I am a cat, and you will treat me with the respect and decorum that I am owed!

10:20 AM. Am being dressed by mewling brats in doll clothes. Plotting escape. Or plotting to scratch them. Whatever will get me out of this infernal humiliation.

11:25 AM. Staff has called her nieces for juice. Enough time to flee, if I play my cards right. Wiggling out of itchy sweater. Can't afford to be seen in this thing if I make it outside. Especially by a dog.

11:27 AM. Have managed to work my way out of the itchy sweater and have initiated an evade and escape tactical countermeasures scheme to get out of the house. Have spotted mewling brats in kitchen drinking juice. Staff spots me. Will she give me up? If she lets this show of disrespect continue one second longer, I'm spitting up hairballs in her shoes for the next two weeks, I swear....

11:28 AM. Staff discreetly comes over and opens sliding door for me. I scramble out to safety.

Well done, staff. There's hope for you yet. Even if you do feed me field rations.

11:48 AM. Keeping to woods to avoid being seen if mewling brats should come back outside.

Spotting Mrs. McIntyre's house through trees. Will stop there. She's always easy to talk into giving me treats.

11:55 AM. Mrs. McIntyre finds me at door. Says hello, asks if I'm seeking refuge. Yes, very much so. Some milk would be lovely too. And a bit of salmon would do swimmingly if you've got it...

12:10 PM. Mrs. McIntyre give me a bowl of milk and puts down some very nice salmon. Purr loudly as reward. Thinking of changing staff to Mrs. McIntyre. She knows how to treat a cat.

12:35 PM. Settling down for nap by fireplace. Much needed after this morning's antics.

I think I've still got bits of itchy sweater wool on my fur. That just won't do....

2:35 PM. Waking up. Walk up to Mrs. McIntyre, rubbing my head against her leg and purring as an expression of thanks. She lets me back out. You're good people. Even if you're human.

3:05 PM. Have returned to property line at house. Difficult to tell from this point if other car is still present. Absolutely refuse to return inside if annoying sister, idiot husband, and mewling brats are still there. Will have to have a word with staff to ensure that I will approve all visitors in future.

3:25 PM. After much consideration and inner debate, carefully and slowly making my way through property, moving from bush to tree. Stopping each time to check house windows for any signs of children's faces. Mewling brats are a nuisance at best.

3:30 PM. Have come within twenty feet of house. Perched beneath rose bushes. Frozen by sound of childish voices still within house. Rats. They haven't left yet?

I can feel thorns at my back. What a revolting development.

3:55 PM. In place beneath rose bush. Cannot leave out of concern that I'll be spotted by the mewling brats. Will not tolerate being used for dressup again.

4:10 PM. Have heard sound of front door opening. Mewling brats coming out. Must be ready to run. Can lose them in the woods if need be. Also accompanied by sound of staff, the annoying sister, and the idiot husband. 

4:12 PM. Sound of car doors shutting and engine starting. Dare I hope for a moment's peace and quiet? Or has the worst happened and my staff is babysitting the kids for the weekend?

That would be intolerable.

4:13 PM. Have come out of hiding. No trace of the extra car. Check interior of house by hopping on windowsill. Only staff inside. Will have to take chance.

4:14 PM. Staff opens door and lets me in. House is silent. Not a trace of mewling brats. Staff remarks that they're gone now. Staff, you know full well that I dislike your relations. In the future, you will clear any and all visitors through me. Is that understood?

4:25 PM. Settling down for a nap, after verifying complete absense of mewling brats. Will have to sleep with one ear open.

Just in case the annoying sister, her idiot husband, and the mewling brats come back.

7:35 PM. Awakened to delicious smells coming from kitchen. Staff is making her dinner. Finding her finishing up. She sets down a plate of meat for me, accompanied by milk. Ah, now this is much better than field rations. You must have taken some tips from Mrs. McIntyre, staff.

It'd be even better if you were standing by with a napkin resting on your arm, as good staff usually do, but I can make do with this for now.

8:55 PM. Staff apologizes for presence of her relations on property earlier today. Just the same, staff, if they should ever return, despite my preferences that they drop off the face of the earth, I will be informed many hours in advance so that I have time to make my escape.

11:25 PM. Staff is ready to turn in for night. Finds me lying fully stretched out across her pillows. It's remarkable just how far a cat can stretch, isn't it?

What, staff? I told you I'd do this in retaliation for being woken up too early by your lumbering across the floorboards this morning...

Staff? Staff, don't pick me up like that. The whole point of this is inconveniencing you....


  1. Wow, the idiot brother-in law and the annoying sister? I wonder if my hubs is a cat?

    Feline Mania at its best William.

  2. ummmmm do you have a cat and would that be your idiot brother-in-law you mention sometimes ? or am I remember some other blogger's idiot brother-in-log ?
    also The boys want to know where are the Scotties ?
    Great post as always.

    cheers, parsnip

  3. Yikes! It's that demon cat again!

    They're all cute. Even Demon Kitty.

    When you said "sister and idiot brother-in-law," you know who came to mind?

  4. You must be writing from experience in waiting for the sister and family to leave.

  5. This was funny. I love the pics... had to steal them, of course!

    Glad to hear that staff woke up FINALLY! And gave the head cat something better than field rations lol!

  6. I'm purrrrring! That kitten in the basket, awww! Hey, get some Fancy Feast and a crystal bowl!

  7. The staff, ha, I love the cat-titude! I've also a soft spot for that airborne cat and dog photo, what a classic!

  8. Love the PSA. Talk to your cat about catnip. LOL

  9. Now that I just adopted a cat (he looks like the one in the teacup) I can really relate to your cat blogs.

  10. Thanks for the statistical info, William, about the KKK. You're spot on. I've got stuff in the Historical References section prior to the book. This includes info that there are up to 3,000 'hate groups' in the U.S., according to the FBI, that espouse some of the same rhetoric. Again, thanks, William!

  11. @Eve: I find myself wondering if I did that on a subconcious level, making use of an annoying sister and her idiot husband....

    @Parsnip: I frequently mention the idiot ex-brother-in-law, so it must be me! Unfortunately I do not have a cat of my own; I just have to make do with neighbourhood kitties. And I'll have to add scotties into future dog blogs...

    @Norma: that's who came to mind for me after writing this!

    @Krizstina: I think so!

    @Lorelei: it was frustrating for Her Imperial Highness the kitty...

  12. @Kittie: what a cutie, isn't she?

    @LondonLulu: lots more of it to come too!

    @Lynn: I thought it was just right!

    @Deb: always glad to be of service!

    @Kittie: I wrote a couple of white supremacists into my book at one point... so I've looked at the issue at least somewhat.

    @everyone else: check out Kittie's latest blog about that when you have a chance.

  13. I'm dying over the cat crossing his legs. LOL

  14. Poor kitty, forced to play dress-up! LOL! I'm assuming you don't base any of the humans (annoying sister, idiot bro-in-law) on your family;).

  15. Sister and idiot BIL? Speaking from experience? :)

    That third photo melted my heart...

  16. @Kelly: looks unnatural, doesn't it? And it gives me an idea or two for future dog and cat blogs...

    @Maria: well, yes.... I didn't mean to, but it ended up that way.

    @Talli: oh, yes. The dimwitted idiot ex brother in law is named Mike, who took too many hockey pucks to the head...

    And isn't that kitty just adorable?

  17. I love all the kittie pics. So cute. So funny.

    Hugs and chocolate,

  18. LOL William...

    I always have to move Newton from my bed...he almost always is right by my pillow. Sometimes I can squirm in beside him, but sometimes I get the protests and complaints.

    Love the upside down kittie at the beginning...cute.

    As always, a great blog!

  19. @Shelly: thanks!

    @Beth: well, in Newton's eyes, all things belong to Newton.

    @Scarlett and James: don't take the staff's side!


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