Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, October 22, 2012

Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Sinned... A Whole Lot

Confessor: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been... well, it’s been a long time since my last confession.
Priest: Well, these things happen, my son. Tell me what burdens you.
Confessor: Well, there’s quite a lot, you see. One thing leads to the next, which leads to the next, and before you know it, I’ve gone and done a lot of questionable things.
Priest: Why don’t you tell me the most grievous of these things first, and we’ll go from there?
Confessor: Okay, right. Good idea. Yes, well, you see, I’m the guy who’s responsible for getting Enterprise cancelled.
Priest: The Star Trek prequel television series?
Confessor: Yes.
Priest: That’s not really a sin. Nor is it that big a deal.
Confessor: Good. Because that means everything else shouldn’t be a sin either.
Priest: Well, why don’t you let me be the judge of that? But I assume if that’s the worst thing you’ve ever done...
Confessor: I’ve had lustful thoughts. And done lustful things. Many, many, many times.
Priest: Really? Well, by all means, go into detail... I mean, my son, these are moments that are all too typical of the human condition.
Confessor: I’m shagging the girlfriend of the Archbishop. He doesn’t know a thing about it.
Priest: The Archbishop has a girlfriend???
Confessor: You didn’t know? Let me tell you, Maggie’s a real handful in bed.
Priest: The Archbishop? Of this diocese? Are you sure you don’t mean an Anglican Archbishop?
Confessor: No, Archbishop O’Shea. Hey, at least the guy isn’t chasing altar boys, I mean, the Church has had more than enough problems with that, am I right, Father? So I guess what I’m asking, is having an affair with a woman who’s involved a sin?
Priest: The Archbishop has a girlfriend???
Confessor: Father, I thought I already made that clear.
Priest: I’m sorry, I’m just a bit in shock about the whole thing.
Confessor: That’s what Sister Mary Katherine said about it too.

Priest: You told Sister Mary Katherine this?
Confessor: Yes, it was during some post coital cuddling...
Priest: You’re sleeping with Sister Mary Katherine?
Confessor: Yes, well, she’s not like those older nuns, Father... she doesn’t really like the whole vow of chastity thing, and one night she and I were playing poker, and one thing led to another, and...
Priest: You’re sleeping with a nun?
Confessor: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Priest: And you’re sleeping with a woman who’s... involved.
Confessor:  Yes. Not at the same time, Father. I mean, I don’t think Sister Mary Katherine would go for that. Maggie might, but that’s kind of beside the point, don’t you think, Father?
Priest: And you were playing poker with Sister Mary Katherine?
Confessor: I would think the whole having sex with a nun thing would be more relevant to the equation, Father. Seriously, though, how does anyone manage to keep vows of abstinence?
Priest: Well, it helps to develop a drinking habit if you must know... Wait, this is about you! You are not only having sex with one woman, you’re having sex with another! A nun! A woman who took a vow! And you’re corrupting her through gambling!
Confessor: What, you mean the poker? Well, it wasn’t for money, Father. We were playing a game of strip poker, that’s all, and well, once we’d played enough and saw each other naked, we just couldn’t help ourselves. I mean, can you blame me? I mean, really, Father, at the end of the day, is that a sin?
Priest: Yes it is!
Confessor: I see. Wow. Well, now that you know all that, I guess the rest doesn’t really matter.
Priest: There’s more? How much more debauchery have you been up to?
Confessor: Do you have a few hours, or should I give you the abbreviated version?
Priest: My son, the things you’re telling me are disturbing to say the least. Have you no shame?
Confessor: Father, I’m a paparazzi photographer. Asking me if I have any shame is kind of beside the point, you know?
Priest: I just... I don’t know what to say about all of this. I’m at a loss for words.
Confessor: By the way, Father, I’m the guy who took those topless photos of the Duchess of Cambridge.
Priest: That was you???
Confessor: A guy’s got to eat, and tabloids pay big money. Particularly when a Duke and Duchess are rubbing suntan oil on each other. It would have been even more if they’d taken things a bit further. Anyway, Father, how many Hail Marys do I have to do to absolve myself of the whole sin yada yada thing?
Priest: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! My son, you’re a vile bastard, and you belong in Hell.
Confessor: Father, you’re swearing in a confessional booth.
Priest: You’re driving me to it, you tactless sleaze!
Confessor: Hey, who are you calling tactless, Father?
Priest: And they wonder why I drink Scotch with breakfast.


  1. I loved this the first time I read it...and it's still hilarious!

    Is it anyone we know???

  2. You had me laughing out loud, thanks!

  3. Well goes to show you we're all human. No one said being a Catholic is easy.

  4. Stoned to death with popcorn ... :-D

  5. OMG! I had to cover my mouth, take off my glasses at the mid point and try hard not to make too much noise as my husband is taking a nap in the next room! OMG! This was funny, William!

  6. My mom grew up Roman Catholic. She says the hookers really do have a "Vatican Special" rate.

  7. I'll say some Hail Mary's for you and I'm not even Catholic!

  8. @Norma: no, just a confessor from my imagination!

    @Lucy: you're welcome!

    @Eve: I don't expect so!

    @EJ: I knew that one would be just right!

    @Lorelei: thank you!

    @Krisztina: It wouldn't surprise

    @Deb: I'm not either, but I do know the hail marys....

    @Carla: thank you!

  9. O.M.G!! I think this one is the best one yet!! LOL Hilarious!!

    Yes, please do more of these!!

  10. TFF! You should do one of these with Scarlett and James. That would be even funnier.

  11. William, you are BAD! Love it.

  12. Hahahah. Too cute! Am I a sinner if I didn't find any of that to be sinful? :)

  13. Hee hee hee! So how many Hail Mary's did he end up having to say?

  14. @Beth: I have some ideas!

    @Shelly: we've already decided to do a Scarlett and James one!

    @Grace: obviously this is a blog I can't show my parents....

    @Kelly: thanks!

    @Eden: I do try! Thank you!

    @Diane: I can't be that much of a sinner either...

    @Cheryl: about five to ten years worth...


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