Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Sinned... A Whole Lot

Confessor: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been... well, it’s been a long time since my last confession.

Priest: Well, these things happen, my son. Tell me what burdens you.

Confessor: Well, there’s quite a lot, you see. One thing leads to the next, which leads to the next, and before you know it, I’ve gone and done a lot of questionable things.

Priest: Why don’t you tell me the most grievous of these things first, and we’ll go from there?

Confessor: Okay, right. Good idea. Yes, well, you see, I’m the guy who’s responsible for getting Enterprise cancelled.

Priest: The Star Trek prequel television series?

Confessor: Yes.

Priest: That’s not really a sin. Nor is it that big a deal.

Confessor: Good. Because that means everything else shouldn’t be a sin either.

Priest: Well, why don’t you let me be the judge of that? But I assume if that’s the worst thing you’ve ever done...

Confessor: I’ve had lustful thoughts. And done lustful things. Many, many, many times.

Priest: Really? Well, by all means, go into detail... I mean, my son, these are moments that are all too typical of the human condition.

Confessor: I’m shagging the girlfriend of the Archbishop. He doesn’t know a thing about it.

Priest: The Archbishop has a girlfriend???

Confessor: You didn’t know? Let me tell you, Maggie’s a real handful in bed.

Priest: The Archbishop? Of this diocese? Are you sure you don’t mean an Anglican Archbishop?

Confessor: No, Archbishop O’Shea. Hey, at least the guy isn’t chasing altar boys, I mean, the Church has had more than enough problems with that, am I right, Father? So I guess what I’m asking, is having an affair with a woman who’s involved a sin?

Priest: The Archbishop has a girlfriend???

Confessor: Father, I thought I already made that clear.

Priest: I’m sorry, I’m just a bit in shock about the whole thing.

Confessor: That’s what Sister Mary Katherine said about it too.

Priest: You told Sister Mary Katherine this?

Confessor: Yes, it was during some post coital cuddling...

Priest: You’re sleeping with Sister Mary Katherine?

Confessor: Yes, well, she’s not like those older nuns, Father... she doesn’t really like the whole vow of chastity thing, and one night she and I were playing poker, and one thing led to another, and...

Priest: You’re sleeping with a nun?

Confessor: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

Priest: And you’re sleeping with a woman who’s... involved.

Confessor:  Yes. Not at the same time, Father. I mean, I don’t think Sister Mary Katherine would go for that. Maggie might, but that’s kind of beside the point, don’t you think, Father?

Priest: And you were playing poker with Sister Mary Katherine?

Confessor: I would think the whole having sex with a nun thing would be more relevant to the equation, Father. Seriously, though, how does anyone manage to keep vows of abstinence?

Priest: Well, it helps to develop a drinking habit if you must know... Wait, this is about you! You are not only having sex with one woman, you’re having sex with another! A nun! A woman who took a vow! And you’re corrupting her through gambling!

Confessor: What, you mean the poker? Well, it wasn’t for money, Father. We were playing a game of strip poker, that’s all, and well, once we’d played enough and saw each other naked, we just couldn’t help ourselves. I mean, can you blame me? I mean, really, Father, at the end of the day, is that a sin?

Priest: Yes it is!

Confessor: I see. Wow. Well, now that you know all that, I guess the rest doesn’t really matter.

Priest: There’s more? How much more debauchery have you been up to?

Confessor: Do you have a few hours, or should I give you the abbreviated version?

Priest: My son, the things you’re telling me are disturbing to say the least. Have you no shame?

Confessor: Father, I’m a paparazzi photographer. Asking me if I have any shame is kind of beside the point, you know?

Priest: I just... I don’t know what to say about all of this. I’m at a loss for words.

Confessor: By the way, Father, I’m the guy who took those topless photos of the Duchess of Cambridge.

Priest: That was you???

Confessor: A guy’s got to eat, and tabloids pay big money. Particularly when a Duke and Duchess are rubbing suntan oil on each other. It would have been even more if they’d taken things a bit further. Anyway, Father, how many Hail Marys do I have to do to absolve myself of the whole sin yada yada thing?

Priest: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! My son, you’re a vile bastard, and you belong in Hell.

Confessor: Father, you’re swearing in a confessional booth.

Priest: You’re driving me to it, you tactless sleaze!

Confessor: Hey, who are you calling tactless, Father?

Priest: And they wonder why I drink Scotch with breakfast.