Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, September 24, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

7:25 AM. Waking up. Begin to wander around. Must wake up human.

7:27 AM. Finding human still in bed. Come on, human. Wake up.

7:28 AM. Resorting to barking. Human sits up and grumbles about alarm clocks.

7:35 AM. Human downstairs, lets me outside. Of course I must bolt outside like a lunatic. It's in my nature.

7:45 AM. Ten minutes spent vigorously chasing my tail in the backyard. Still haven't caught it. Next time, tail, next time.

8:45 AM. Back home after running around the farm mindlessly for an hour. Thoroughly hungry by now. Saw no trace of a squirrel to chase, more's the pity.

8:50 AM. Into the house. Breakfast time. Human has set out kibbles. How does she know these are my very favourite? Yum yum yum!

9:10 AM. Out onto front porch to sleep awhile. Spent a bit too much energy running around like a lunatic earlier. Besides, the sun is nice and warm. And the human says something about getting work done. What is this strange thing called work she talks about?

10:35 AM. Waking up. Decide to go out on a patrol. Will see if squirrel is in area. I hate squirrels. Hate every single one of those chattering little menaces.

10:55 AM. Stop near road while on patrol. Spotting car down the road stopping at the mailboxes down the way.

It's my mortal enemy. The Evil Nemesis.

It's the mailman!

10:56 AM. Watching mail car. Remembering chattering with human's sister's dog. Apparently the mailman walks right up to their door. The nerve! It makes me wonder why my mailman gets to drive...

10:57 AM. Getting closer. If it wasn't for that car, I'd chew your leg off, Evil Nemesis...

10:58 AM. Wait... this isn't right. The Evil Nemesis is turning into our driveway. He usually just puts mail in that box. Must chase him! All the way to the house if needed! Barking my head off the whole time!

11:00 AM. Have intercepted mailman at house. Have my front paws up on his door, barking at him viciously through glass. He looks uncomfortable. You had better be, Evil Nemesis! Come onto my property, will you?

11:01 AM. Human comes out onto front porch after hearing all my barking. She calls me inside. Wait, human. Can't you see I've cornered the Evil Nemesis?

11:02 AM. Human has put me back into the house for some reason. I look outside. There she is, talking with the Evil Nemesis! Human! He is a mailman! He is the enemy! Let me at him! Let me at him now! I'll take his leg off!

11:03 AM. Watching human signing for a package. Human, don't trust him! The Evil Nemesis could be plotting a trap! He's evil! Why won't you listen to me???

11:05 AM. Human waves goodbye as Evil Nemesis drives away. I keep barking my head off. To no avail. It seems the human just doesn't get that I'm trying to protect her from the terror that is the mailman.

11:06 AM. Human comes in, telling me that there was no need to do all that barking. I insist that mailmen are the sworn enemies of all dogs, and we are honor bound to do battle with them, but she doesn't seem to understand me.

11:07 AM. Sniffing all over the package the Evil Nemesis brought. No trace of poison or explosives in the scent, though I'll be dubious. I still say it's a trap. Something meant to make my life difficult, no doubt.

12:35 PM. Human making lunch. Busy with sandwiches. Using that odd mayonaisse stuff she likes. Back turned to me and the table. Spotting a cookie left over from her coffee break. Scarfing it while she doesn't see. Yum yum yum. Beating a tactical retreat before she knows I was there.

12:40 PM. Curled up in living room by fireplace. Human comes to find me. Asks what I was thinking, eating that cookie. Do best to look innocent. Keep tail absolutely under control. Tails have a way of giving us away when we're trying to bluff.

12:41 PM. Human walks away, sighing to herself and asking why she didn't just get a cat instead. Well, because cats are temperamental creatures, human. I'm a dog. Loyal to the end.

Though I will snatch a cookie from time to time when you're not watching.

1:55 PM. Human lets me out for a stroll. Sniff around for any sign of the Evil Nemesis. Or a squirrel. Or a cat.

2:20 PM. Have spotted cat while strolling grounds of farm. Cat spots me. Cat shows its claws as if about to threaten me. Cats. Why can't we all just get along? Live and let live? Is that asking the impossible?

3:10 PM. Returning home. Human having tea on front porch. Biscuits beside her on plate. Must mooch. Concentrate. Think of the perfect sad eyes. Works every time.

3:12 PM. Human gives me a biscuit. Yum yum yum.

5:50 PM. Human making dinner. Smells good. Wondering if I can scarf some while she's not looking? Or can I get away with that twice in one day?

6:10 PM. Human feeds me my dinner. Kibbles and canned meat. Yummy!

Of course, I must scarf it down.

6:35 PM. Human sits down to her dinner. Will sit close by and watch. Maybe she'll hand me something or another.

6:45 PM. Success! Human gives me a dinner roll. Yummy!

10:45 PM. Human yawning. Time for bed. Says she is off for night. Asks if I'll come upstairs.

Soon, human. But first, I must patrol the house. And sniff that box a few dozen more times.

After all, no telling if that package from the Evil Nemesis has a time delay feature on it, thus unleashing its vile true nature on you while you're sleeping.

I wouldn't put anything past an Evil Nemesis.


  1. Oh, yes...your dad's going to LOVE this!

    The war between dogs and mail carriers has been going on since there have been mail carriers. I have a mental picture of a pack of dogs chasing the Pony Express riders....

    We had a little white poodle who used to get lost in the snow all the time.

  2. William, you are so clever.
    This made me laugh and The Square Ones so agree !

    cheers, parsnip

  3. Yes, yes, lots of fun! The beagles crossing the street was my favorite.

  4. I love the Beagles and all the other pictures!

  5. 'The Beagles!" cracked me up. I have a Beagle mix, and I love her. :-)

  6. I love this. Great post William. I adore doggy blogs!

  7. "Dog Lover" should be a requirement for all mail people. :)

  8. Hahaha! I see you found my Maggie, the bulldog. :)

    She actually sleeps that way.

  9. Ah, those Beagles! I remember their songs well. No one else has ever bayed quite like them.

  10. @Norma: I'm sure the Pony Express horses didn't like getting nipped in the heel...

    @Parsnip & Eden: thank you!

    @Kittie: Aren't they adorable?

    @Deb and EJ: Beagles are too cute for their own good...

  11. @Eve: there's more to come!

    @Lynn: I rather like herding dogs!

    @Under Cover: there was a mailman who routinely took dog biscuits with him on his route. The dogs loved him.

    @Diane: I can't believe Maggie is comfy like that!

    @Auden: resistance is droolable!

    @Cheryl: they look rather young in that pic, don't they?

  12. I love the Borg.

    Hugs and chocolate,

  13. Oh my goodness, the puppies on the clothesline is just too cute.

    Arthur isn't anything like your typical dog, paranoid little guy that he is. He reminds me up the "Will you Kay down with me. . ." one.

    We give him a biscuit if we are leaving him here alone. He won't take it, so we set it on the floor. He refuses to eat it until we return and then he immediately goes and gets it.

    He sure knows how to layer on the guilt.

  14. @Shelly: Borg pups are adorable, huh?

    @Christine: oh, he must have learned that early on!


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