Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Sunday, September 9, 2012

What Does One Do With Thirty Million Dollars Worth Of Maple Syrup?

Recently in the news there was something of an odd story about the theft of a significant quantity of maple syrup. I thought I would play around with that story myself... and after some consideration, I thought of just the right angle.

Maple Syrup Theft Ring Broken In Quebec

Montreal (CP). The strange case involving a recent theft of thirty million dollars worth of maple syrup has been solved. After an inventory check at a warehouse northeast of Montreal determined that a significant quantity of the delicious syrup had been taken, the provincial police force, Surete du Quebec, was called in to investigate in the town of St.-Louis-de-Blandford. 

Quebec produces three quarters of the world’s maple syrup, and the warehouses of the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers store the stock of the Federation members. The warehouses are fenced off and regularly monitored, yet part of the stock was missing upon inspection. The loss was insured, but police were determined to discover the culprits behind the brazen theft.

The Federation issued a statement early on in the investigation assuring the public that there would be no shortages of their favourite breakfast confection. “We assure everyone that there is plenty more syrup where that came from, and we will not have to resort to rationing or anything so drastic,” the spokesman told a crowd of desperately anxious syrup addicts two days after the theft. “Now, who wants an IV of maple syrup injected directly into their bloodstream?”

The Surete called in some help from their federal counterparts in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The legendary Mountie Inspector Lars Ulrich was dispatched to assist in the investigation. Ulrich, who’s well known for his relentlessness during investigations and his seething hatred of entertainment reporters, dove into the case head on.

Within two days of the Inspector joining the case, arrests were made of what Surete spokespeople are calling a “maple syrup smuggling syndicate.” Ulrich was instrumental in tracking down the gang, “kicking ass and taking names”, in the words of the Surete spokesperson, and arresting their ring leader. Jean “Mad Dog” Duschene, the leader of a biker gang called Les Chiens De Guerre Et Merde, and sixteen other gang members, are facing multiple charges of theft, destruction of property, resisting arrest, weapons possession, and lewd conduct. Crown prosecutors plan to throw the book at the gang, who destroyed part of the stock of maple syrup during the arrest at their compound. “This will not stand,” prosecutor Serge Bouchard told reporters at a Montreal courthouse. “No one gets between us and our maple syrup and lives to tell the tale. All we need on that jury are waffles or pancakes eaters, and we’ll have our convictions.”

Ulrich tried to depart in the wake of the arrests, to return to his home detachment in the West before reporters noticed his absence. Reporters intercepted him, however, including a group of entertainment reporters, his mortal enemies. It seems a common trait among their kind to be oblivious to the Inspector’s dislike.

A reporter with The Globe and Mail asked, “How does it feel, knowing this syrup stealing syndicate has been brought to justice?”

Ulrich paused a moment. “Fine. All in a day’s work. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get going home.”

A reporter with Entertainment Tonight Canada got in Ulrich’s face. “Lars! Lars! What everyone at home wants to know is this… what do you think of the Tom and Kate breakup?”

Ulrich stared at the man as if he was considering how to remove his head from his neck. “Do you think I would actually care?” the Inspector asked with a low, growling voice.

“Come on, Lars, everyone cares!” the reporter went on, seemingly unable to recognize trouble when he saw it. “Okay, next question. Is Metallica going to make an appearance at the Toronto Film Festival? Rumour has it that Atom Egoyan wants to make a concert film…”

Ulrich glared at him with a look of pure hatred. “Listen, you bloody idiot, I am not that Lars Ulrich!” At this point, the real reporters in the crowd backed away, knowing what to expect.

The reporter looked confused. “Are you sure?”

Ulrich started to pummel the man, who is expected to remain in hospital for the next two weeks in recovery. In the opinion of this reporter, he had it coming.



  1. You HAVE to give Lars a novel! He's such a great character!

    I just knew you'd blog about the syrup heist--and it's a great post, as always!

  2. If the weather keeps warming up, Vermont may have to say goodbye to the days of maple sugaring. If that happens, you guys will have a monopoly up there! :-)

  3. I read the news story and it is perfect for you to blog about.
    Only everyone is wrong.
    I think it is Bears !
    I have been reading about Bears in different places pulling off different heists. The was the Bears who drank the 100 beers in Scandinavia , then the one who moseyed through the hotel in New Mexico... so I think it was a syrup caper pulled off by Bears.

    cheers, parsnip

  4. I actually read about this when a friend on FB shared it. You can't imagine the relief I felt when we were assured there was plenty of syrup left to go around!

    There are more of us addicts around than you would believe. Um, you didn't hear what happened to the stolen syrup, did you? Is there a place on eBay we can bid on it?

  5. Sweetman eats maple syrup on almost anything.

  6. Canadians take their maple syrup seriously!

  7. Oh no, wait till Lars finds out about the foie gras smuggling ring in Quebec! LOL.

  8. Thirty million dollars worth? That's a lot of syrup! Of course, syrup is one of life's guilty pleasures and should be indulged in once in a while...but, that's a lot of syrup! LOL Black market syrup, perhaps? I didn't realize it was such a hot commodity up here. We're in the wrong business, my friend...LOL

    Great blog.

  9. Haha! Oh, this cracked me up. Of all the things to steal!

  10. Who would have thought maple syrup to be in such high demand? I've had a bottle of that stuff in my pantry and it's been there for ages! But, I'll admit, when I feel like pancakes, I go to Village Inn for breakfast. :)

  11. Great post, as always:)! Who'd want to steal maple syrup--let alone 30 million dollars worth?!

  12. I'd totally steal it.
    SWEET story, Monsieur Kendall!

  13. Great post about a sticky situation!

  14. Wow. People never cease to amaze me.

  15. PANCAKES!!! Then once I got full I'd take the maple syrup IV drip.

    Very creative post!

  16. LOL! Okay, I was me. You saw my pancake pictures! I didn't realized I was blogging about pancakes and maple syrup on the same day you posted this. Too funny.

  17. @Norma: Lars demands to be let out every once in awhile. Particularly if he hears an entertainment reporter.

    @Under Cover: a monopoly that mostly speaks French!

    @Parsnip: the bikers were set up by bears, huh?

    @Cheryl: where does one hide that much syrup?

    @Shelly: it's one of life's great pleasures.

    @Eden: of course we do!

    @Eve: he'll be right on it!

    @Mark: don't encourage Lars!

    @Beth: how do we get in on that racket?

  18. @Talli: Only in Canada!

    @Diane: one can never have too much of it!

    @Maria: maybe it's part of their plan at world domination...

    @North Bay: so would I!

    @Deb: thanks!

    @Kelly: just when you think you've heard everything....

    @Helen: thanks!

    @Krisztina: what a coincidence!

  19. Your title drew me in immediatly. I also adored the pic and the top regarding pancakes, made me smile. You're creative and witty. Thanks for making me smile.

  20. That was fantastic, my fellow Canucky, Mr. Kendall! Bravo, and I have to agree, that would make a great story.
    Keep your stick on the ice.

  21. @Russo: thanks!

    @S.L.: thank you!

    @Demitria: the moment I saw it, I knew it was perfect!


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