What Does One Do With Thirty Million Dollars Worth Of Maple Syrup?

Recently in the news there was something of an odd story about the theft of a significant quantity of maple syrup. I thought I would play around with that story myself... and after some consideration, I thought of just the right angle.

Maple Syrup Theft Ring Broken In Quebec

Montreal (CP). The strange case involving a recent theft of thirty million dollars worth of maple syrup has been solved. After an inventory check at a warehouse northeast of Montreal determined that a significant quantity of the delicious syrup had been taken, the provincial police force, Surete du Quebec, was called in to investigate in the town of St.-Louis-de-Blandford. 

Quebec produces three quarters of the world’s maple syrup, and the warehouses of the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers store the stock of the Federation members. The warehouses are fenced off and regularly monitored, yet part of the stock was missing upon inspection. The loss was insured, but police were determined to discover the culprits behind the brazen theft.

The Federation issued a statement early on in the investigation assuring the public that there would be no shortages of their favourite breakfast confection. “We assure everyone that there is plenty more syrup where that came from, and we will not have to resort to rationing or anything so drastic,” the spokesman told a crowd of desperately anxious syrup addicts two days after the theft. “Now, who wants an IV of maple syrup injected directly into their bloodstream?”

The Surete called in some help from their federal counterparts in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The legendary Mountie Inspector Lars Ulrich was dispatched to assist in the investigation. Ulrich, who’s well known for his relentlessness during investigations and his seething hatred of entertainment reporters, dove into the case head on.

Within two days of the Inspector joining the case, arrests were made of what Surete spokespeople are calling a “maple syrup smuggling syndicate.” Ulrich was instrumental in tracking down the gang, “kicking ass and taking names”, in the words of the Surete spokesperson, and arresting their ring leader. Jean “Mad Dog” Duschene, the leader of a biker gang called Les Chiens De Guerre Et Merde, and sixteen other gang members, are facing multiple charges of theft, destruction of property, resisting arrest, weapons possession, and lewd conduct. Crown prosecutors plan to throw the book at the gang, who destroyed part of the stock of maple syrup during the arrest at their compound. “This will not stand,” prosecutor Serge Bouchard told reporters at a Montreal courthouse. “No one gets between us and our maple syrup and lives to tell the tale. All we need on that jury are waffles or pancakes eaters, and we’ll have our convictions.”

Ulrich tried to depart in the wake of the arrests, to return to his home detachment in the West before reporters noticed his absence. Reporters intercepted him, however, including a group of entertainment reporters, his mortal enemies. It seems a common trait among their kind to be oblivious to the Inspector’s dislike.

A reporter with The Globe and Mail asked, “How does it feel, knowing this syrup stealing syndicate has been brought to justice?”

Ulrich paused a moment. “Fine. All in a day’s work. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get going home.”

A reporter with Entertainment Tonight Canada got in Ulrich’s face. “Lars! Lars! What everyone at home wants to know is this… what do you think of the Tom and Kate breakup?”

Ulrich stared at the man as if he was considering how to remove his head from his neck. “Do you think I would actually care?” the Inspector asked with a low, growling voice.

“Come on, Lars, everyone cares!” the reporter went on, seemingly unable to recognize trouble when he saw it. “Okay, next question. Is Metallica going to make an appearance at the Toronto Film Festival? Rumour has it that Atom Egoyan wants to make a concert film…”

Ulrich glared at him with a look of pure hatred. “Listen, you bloody idiot, I am not that Lars Ulrich!” At this point, the real reporters in the crowd backed away, knowing what to expect.

The reporter looked confused. “Are you sure?”

Ulrich started to pummel the man, who is expected to remain in hospital for the next two weeks in recovery. In the opinion of this reporter, he had it coming.