Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Starfleet Captain

Stardate 56877.5. Captain's Log. 0700 hours. Much too early to be waking up. Note to self: switch the schedules so I can wake up at 0900.

0720. Morning tea courtesy of replicators. Tastes lukewarm. Enquire with engineering about replicator status. Not looking forward to starting off the day without a proper cup of tea.

0735. Arrival on bridge. Lieutenant Rol reports nothing amiss during overnight shift. Taking command of the bridge. Day shift crew starting to settle in. Oh, brother, that idiot Ensign Chemiserouge is in today. Why didn't I change the duty roster?

0750. Ensign Chemiserouge sets a course to the Andorian sector for the diplomatic conference. Much too cheerful and talkative. As usual. Note to self: find a way to get Ensign Chemiserouge off my ship. The sooner the better.

0855. Even at warp speed, time seems to slow down when that dolt Chemiserouge thinks it's fine to tell stories about his great-great-great-great-grandfather who died in a flight accident, or the other family member who bought the farm a few centuries back in a cruise ship disaster. Why won't he just shut up?

Thinking of having Chemiserouge transported off the ship and into the vacuum of space.

0925. Looking over history of Andorians in the Federation. Sidetracked and amused by sidenote that crewmembers who used to die frequently on away missions used to have red shirts as their uniforms.

Note to self: send Chemiserouge on more away missions. With the proviso to the rest of the Away Team: keep your distance from the Easy Target.

1045. Ensign Chemiserouge volunteers to help out in an experiment with my science officer. Good riddance. It might give me peace and quiet.

1115. Diverted to Chimera Prime to investigate Borg sighting. 

1155. Engaged in battle with Borg. Lasted five minutes. The Borg just aren't as scary as they used to be. Maybe next time I'll let them assimilate Ensign Chemiserouge. His incompetence would spread through the Collective like wildfire, permanently incapacitating it.

1220 Hours. Back en route to Andorian sector. Sending off report on Borg battle to Starfleet. Alarms go off. Tactical officer reports explosion in science lab.

Hopefully that nitwit Chemiserouge is the only casualty.

1222.  Awaiting word from science lab. Is it too much to hope that buffoon Chemiserouge met a bad end? Is that unbecoming of a Starfleet officer?

1225. Oh, well. Ensign Chemiserouge wasn't a casualty, and the damage to the science lab is minimal. Repair crews working. Note to self: have doctor keep Chemiserouge heavily sedated in sick bay for the next two weeks.

1345. Ensign Chemiserouge reports back for duty to bridge. Trying to restrain myself from rolling my eyes. Or strangling him. Find myself remembering something Picard once said about a kid named Wesley who was far too smart and cheerful and annoying for his own good. Picard admitted to me that he would have liked to have Wesley meet a bad end, but he had a bit of a thing for the mother, and that just wouldn't have gone over well.

Chemiserouge doesn't have a mother I have a thing for, so fortunately my hands aren't tied like that.

1355. Ensign Chemiserouge keeps talking on and on about how the science experiment "didn't go quite as expected, golly". His words, not mine. Envisioning Ensign Chemiserouge being torn apart by one of those dog creatures the Klingons have. Wondering if I can call in a favour with the Klingon ambassador and have Chemiserouge meet with an unfortunate accident.

No, I can't do that... I'm a Starfleet Captain, after all, and Chemiserouge is a member of my crew.

Besides, I'd never get away with it.

1425. Arrival at Andorian Sector. Send greetings to Ambassador Thelov, who is hosting the conference.

1440. Ensign Chemiserouge volunteers to join the Commander and I in beaming down to the planet. I swear, if he does anything to muck up the conference, I'll see him drawn and quartered. Figuratively speaking. This is the twenty fourth century, after all. We don't do that anymore.

1455. Ensign Chemiserouge has tripped right into the Cardassian ambassador, spilling Romulan ale everywhere. Quite a lovely start to a peace conference. Everyone's screaming at everyone else.

I'm going to kill Chemiserouge. I swear, this is the last time that idiot does anything stupid again...

1510. The Vulcan ambassador has managed to smooth things over and calm everyone down. Vulcans are really good at that. I have apologized to the Cardassian ambassador for the clumsiness of my ensign, and have promised to demote Chemiserouge as soon as practical.

1530. Chatting with Bajoran ambassador when I hear the Andorian ambassador snap, "You stupid oaf!" Sure enough, it's Chemiserouge, and he's knocked over a four thousand year old Andorian vase. Contacting ship to have the idiot beamed up and confined to quarters immediately.

1620. Negotiating with a Ferengi to take Chemiserouge off my hands. Ferengi won't give me a fair price. Typical of that sort. I can't believe we get along with those conniving snakes these days.

1700 Hours. Returning to ship in orbit after initial meet and greet at conference. Speaking with tactical officer. Off to see Ensign Chemiserouge.

1705. Confer with Ensign Chemiserouge in his quarters. Will blast him verbally for the next forty minutes or so, reminding him of how many ambassadors he offended with his clumsiness today. Will have to suggest he consider a new line of work.

1800 Hours. Return to bridge with first officer after speaking about best way to reassign Chemiserouge off the ship. Have decided to make him the ambassador to a demon class planet.

1810. Tactical officer reports unauthorized transport to the surface. Determines it was Ensign Chemiserouge. What is that moron doing now?

1815. Have returned to surface. Have found Chemiserouge trying to apologize to Andorian ambassador, repeatedly saying he didn't mean to knock over the priceless vase. Andorian ambassador looks ready to kill him. I know how he feels.

1820. Trying once more to calm down the ambassador, while telling Chemiserouge he will be courtmartialed for stupidity post haste. Chemiserouge tries to make amends, and backs into the Klingon ambassador... and his pet-whatever-the-hell-that-thing is.

1821. Ensign Chemiserouge has been mauled by the ambassador's pet inside of thirty seconds. And to think... I didn't even have to ask the ambassador for a favour.

The Klingon ambassador expresses his sympathies for the death of my crewman, not to mention surprise that I didn't try to stop the animal.

I try not to smile. Wouldn't look good, would it?

1900 Hours. Returning to bridge. Must inform crew of death of Ensign Chemiserouge. Note to self: try to keep a straight face. Don't break out laughing.

2020 Hours. Filing a report to Starfleet on incident at Andorian conference. Will have to compose letter to family of Ensign Chemiserouge with my sympathies and regrets. Note to self. Do not include anything about being glad the little annoying bastard is dead in the letter.

2045. Contacted by Andorian ambassador, who wants to know if he can have the remains of Ensign Chemisrouge transported down to the surface so that he can beat it with a stick, in compensation for his shattered four thousand year old vase.

Thinking of agreeing to the request.

2155 Hours. Report from engineering on replicator malfunctions. It seems that Ensign Chemiserouge messed things up while performing an experiment this morning. One more thing I can be annoyed about.

I'm glad that little ****** is dead. 

2345. Setting off to sleep. Will have to bluff my way through a memorial service tomorrow. Of course, I'm sure everyone else on the ship found Chemiserouge just as annoying as I did.


  1. If I get assimilated, I want it to be by the Canadian Borg.

    No Tribbles?

    Another good one, William!

  2. Note to self - never read William Kendall at work. OMG I laughed so hard people were staring!

  3. Probably the funniest one yet, William! Especially the last pic. :-)

  4. @Norma: I might just have to do another one. How could I have forgotten those critters?

    @Wizkey: thank you!

    @Cathy: Ach, Capt'n! There's nae enough power in the transporters!

    @EJ: Thanks!

  5. By the way... James Doohan did in fact fight on D-Day. He was one of the Canadian troops landing on Juno Beach that day, got shot a couple of times, and lost a finger. The camera crews on the show were able to shoot around it. There's a display in the Canadian War Museum's World War Two gallery that refers to his D-Day experience.

  6. Okay. What does a Canadian Borg look like?

    Hugs and chocolate,

  7. I have no idea where you found all these Star Trek cartoons, but I had such a good time laughing with this post. You're so creative and hilarious.

  8. The Canadian Borg are much less frightening than the (American?) Borg. I miss Star Trek. Thanks for the fun!

  9. Funny post today.
    Remember when no matter what kind of fight Captain Kirk got in his shirt was always completely ripped off ?
    Also, this has nothing to do with Star Trek... But there was an a yahoo news today that said popular baby names have changed dramatically over the years but the love of the name William never changes. None of the popular names from 1911 are on the 2011 list except foe William ! :)

    cheers, parsnip

  10. I've only ever watched the old Star Trek series and really liked it, especially Captain Kirk whose acting cracked me up.

  11. Got better and better -- that bridge photo was perfect!

  12. Ha ha!! I am dying over that last pic especially!

  13. Can't relate to trekkie stuff but I have to agree Wesley is great and this writing sounds very exciting!

  14. I never got into Next Generation but I loved the original Star Trek. The emoting alone was enough to keep me coming back for more!

  15. Love the Christmas card picture! Reminds me a little of me and my guy!

  16. @Shelly: they wear toques.

    @Esoteric: lots of googling!

    @Under Cover: they're polite when they assimilate. It's the Canadian way...

    @Parsnip: It's a good name to have. I chose well for my penname. Considering I don't like my actual name...

  17. @Eden: I've watched very little of the original series. Just the movies featuring that cast.

    @Mark: I knew it was perfect for a finisher.

    @Krisztina: Poor Kirk!

    @Eve: I'll assume you mean me, and not young Crusher, who must be one of the most annoying characters ever put into sci-fi...

    @Lynn: I've seen more of the recent series, TNG, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. Not much of the last series, Enterprise. Enough so that I could do this sort of thing and sound like I know what I'm talking about. I could never get away with doing A Day In The Life of Doctor Who.

    @Cheryl: I may have to do another of these. There's a Worf picture I would have loved to use, but this one was getting long enough as it was....

  18. Love this! I am all about Captain Kirk. *swoon*

  19. Is it sad that I understood all the references and characters? At least I don't speak Klingon.

  20. Canadian Borg assimilation: Pardon me, but please do lie still while I saw your arm off. There's a good chap, eh? :D

  21. @Kelly: they really did!

    @Talli: it must be the smirk. Or the stilted way he talks.

    @Karla: I don't speak it either!

    @Under Cover: Exactly, very polite and cordial.

  22. Aww. Such fond memories of hours clocked in with our eldest son and Data. I may have to dig out the old Next Generation videos and have myself a little marathon.


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