Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, September 3, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:25 AM. Awakened earlier than I would prefer by sound of the staff upstairs getting ready for the day. Wondering why I'm downstairs lying on top of the piano.

7:40 AM. The staff arrives downstairs in much too chipper a mood. Staff, I am not a morning cat. Kindly be quiet in my presence until I feel fully awake. And get to work on my breakfast, post haste. And none of those field rations, or I shall not be pleased with you.

7:45 AM. The staff sets down bowl of field rations on floor. I look up at her with derision and dismay. You do realize that this is a big mark against you in my ongoing records?

7:50 AM. Grudgingly beginning to eat some of the field rations. At least she's not going to pull that same deceive me and take me to the vet routine like she did last week. I have no interest in seeing Doctor Vile Fiend ever again, thank you very much...

7:55 AM. Out the back door for a morning stroll. The staff calls after me, insisting I come back in a few minutes. Staff, I shall come back when I want to.

8:10 AM. Hearing the sound of the staff calling my name. Or at least the name she calls me. How many times must I tell the staff? My name is not Miss Bonkers. I am properly to be addressed as Your Majesty, Supreme Protector of the Realm, Tormentor of Dogs, Slayer of Mice, and Ultimate Majestrix. Get it right! 

8:35 AM. Returning to home. Car gone from driveway. Oh, lovely. It must be one of those work days again. The staff has decided to leave without letting me back in. It would be far more convenient if the staff just stayed home and let me in and out at my convenience. Well, not convenient for her, of course...

Maybe I`m wrong. Maybe the car just got stolen, is all...

8:45 AM. Glancing in windows from window sills. No sign of staff inside. So much for the hope that her car got stolen while I was gone. I assume she really has gone off to work.

10:25 AM. Waking up from morning snooze on back porch. This evening, the staff and I will have to have words about being stranded outside for hours on end.

11:05 AM. Strolling across grounds. Catch sighting of mailman out at the road dropping off the mail by car. Thinking of going to ask him to open the front door, but remembering that he doesn`t have the keys. Besides, there goes the car.

11:55 AM. Woken up from snooze on the lawn by getting sniffed by a white tailed deer. Startled so much that I jumped three feet up in the air. Deer turns and strolls away.

Why do they do that? Is it some innate need to tease cats? Or is it my tendency to stalk them while they're grazing on my lawn?

12:35 PM. Not pleased at all. Feeling quite hungry, but the staff has not returned. If this is indeed a work day, she'll be gone until later. We shall have words later on. I will not put up with being locked out of my house like this. It's much too inconvenient.

3:50 PM. Wake up from early afternoon nap. Still feeling hungry. Wondering if I should go mooch at one of the neighbours for a bowl of milk. There's a place down the road... that human tends to be a sucker for a purr...

4:05 PM. Stopped by the McIntyre home. Have managed to swindle Mrs. McIntyre into giving me bowl of milk. Tastes just right. Nice and cold. Mrs. McIntyre is good people, even if she's from a lower form of life.

4:25 PM. On way home through nearby farm. Spotting a dog wandering around. Recognize that one. He lives here. What a buffoon. Of course, dogs invariably are always buffoons.

4:26 PM. Dog closes in and approaches me. I show my claws to express my disdain as a warning.

4:27 PM. Dog can't take a hint about my insisting he back off. Dogs rarely can take hints; they're pretty dim witted, after all. Dog asks why cats don't like dogs. May have to escalate hostilities.

4:28 PM. Have swatted dog across snout. No less than he deserves. Stupid dog.

4:30 PM. Walk away from dog. Dog looks befuddled. Common problem with dogs.

4:50 PM. Return home. Still no sign of the staff. Most displeased. May have to take it out on her cashmere coat.

5:15 PM. Bored now. Decide to climb up on roof to see if I can see her car coming.

5:17 PM. Okay, how do I get down from here again?

5:19 PM. This is a fine predicament I've gotten myself into, stuck on the roof.

No, wait. It's not my fault. It's the staff's fault. For not being here to let me back in.

5:35 PM. Wondering if staff will call fire department to come get me down. That happened once before when I got stuck in a tree. Really, being picked up by a stranger? Not one of my finer moments. Though the staff seemed to be impressed by the fire fighter's biceps.

5:45 PM. May have to make a jump for it. Can't wait for staff to return home. Who knows how long that could be? And it's not that far to the ground, right?

6:05 PM. Have jumped off roof, done the usual pirouette in mid air thing, and landed on my feet with my usual grace, charm, and dignity. It's a cat thing.

6:35 PM. Staff pulls into driveway in car. Must not look over eager by her presence. That's the realm of a dog, with their tendency to drool and wag their tails like an idiot. Cats must always look at the staff with an annoyed, oh, you again? expression.

6:36 PM. Staff opens door, asking where I was earlier. Well, staff, I might ask why you didn't just leave the door wide open for me to go in and out at my leisure all day...

6:45 PM. Staff lets me in. She sets off to make dinner. Staff, you had better be making me something better than field rations in compensation for trapping me outside all day...

7:05 PM. Staff has put down a plate of tuna and dry field rations. What? Is she being bribed with crates of field rations by the field ration companies? Is that why she keeps feeding me that? Staff, if you're really trying to get rid of the field rations, you might try eating them yourself.

7:10 PM. Reluctantly start eating supper. The tuna is acceptable. The field rations are not.

7:45 PM. Staff sprays catnip on my scratching post. The very scent of it sends me into a frenzy. Must attack scratching post. And by attack, I mean all out lunge, claws unsheathed....

8:10 PM. Finished attacking scratching post. Coming down from catnip adrenaline rush. Staff seems to find my antics amusing. I am not here to amuse you, staff. And you had better not be photographing my antics.

8:30 PM. Staff watching evening newscast. Strange looking politician with combover talking. Staff rolls her eyes and calls him a pig. Nonsense, staff. Pigs are not nearly as obnoxious as politicians.

8:55 PM. Staff switches channel. Just as well. None of these networks address the concerns that I have. Namely, issues that concern cats. We are, after all, the highest form of life on this planet, and yet the humans fail to give regular cat updates.

9:01 PM. Staff flipping through channels. Brief glance of Jennifer Aniston movie. No, staff. Not the Aniston Demon. She sucks the life out of everyone around her. I implore you, look for something else. Otherwise I shall have to find myself a new staff.

9:02 PM. Staff has wisely moved beyond watching the Aniston Demon. There's hope for her yet.

9:40 PM. Staff watching film based on Dumas novel. What kind of name is Dumas? And why are there four of these guys if the movie is called the Three Musketeers?

11:30 PM. Staff turns off television. Still have no answers as to why four musketeers are present and accounted for in a movie about three of them.

11:35 PM. Staff reminds me that tomorrow's a weekend. So much the better. You can't leave me outside for hours on end with nothing to do that way. Unless you have plans. Which is not possible. You haven't cleared any such weekend plans with me, and I own you, after all.

11:45 PM. Staff gives me a bowl of milk for a late night treat. Would be even better with a plate of caviar.

11:55 PM. Off to bed. Staff takes me upstairs, cuddling me as she goes. Will tolerate it, but in exchange in the morning, I will have something more appetizing than field rations for breakfast.

Otherwise, staff, I'm throwing up a hairball in your shoe.


  1. I recognize some of the kitty pics...I believe I sent them to you!! LOL

    Love the kitty posts...too cute. You've done it again!

  2. Oh dear, much longer than the puppy post. I call it discrimination and animal bias! Judge! Very cute and with that I think I'll take a catnap!

  3. You always have the best pics! These kitties are adorable (even the ones who are plotting). And I'll say it again...I'm convinced you were a cat in a previous existence....

  4. One, dog is a terrible word. It's right up there with the f-bomb.

    Two, our species are not bafoons. Well, maybe Hair Ball is.

    Sir Poops

  5. Since The Square Ones like you and Watson use to have a great cat friend named Jabba that he grew up with .... they will let you have a silly post every once in a while.
    They like everyone even cats, unlike many cats I know.

    woof, Watson and Hamish
    cheers, parsnip

  6. Oh, the little kittens are too cute! And the plotting cats are always fun.

  7. It seems so many writers love cats. I'm beginning to like them a bit more myself.


  8. "the staff" I love it!
    Oh thanks for that hearty chuckle I maintained while reading this. Does a body good. Cheers!

  9. Loved it! The cat's day and the photos had me laughing out loud:)!

  10. @Beth: you did indeed!

    @Eve: well, I am a cat person, after all!

    @Norma: I must have been one!

    @SPAL and Shelly: hairball does tend to lean that way, doesn't he?

    @Parsnip: Watson and Hamish are very wise dogs....

  11. @Krisztina: thanks!

    @Eden: they really get under the skin!

    @Lynn: isn't he adorable?

    @PK and Maria: thanks!

  12. Oh, but the pics with the baby kittens made me long for the good ole days - Chessy, Chena, Chester. *sighs*

    Thanks for stopping by, William. All's fine, except that my sister's house suffered damage but wasn't trashed, thankfully. Rain! She's in an area where hurricanes don't do much.

  13. That first one totally looks like my cat.

  14. After looking at all your cat posts I'm finally thinking about getting a cat!

  15. Glad to see you've evened things out by doing a cat's life, too! Love these posts, William.

  16. this post was exactly what I needed!

    Good staff is sooooooooooo hard to find!

  17. @Kittie: aren't the kittens adorable?

    @Kelly: your cat is a catzilla, huh?

    @Deb: they're good to work for!

    @Talli: thanks!

    @Hilary: I've been doing these ones and the dog ones for awhile, and I've got plenty more in drafts!

  18. Hooray, a cat post! Love the "How to tell if your cat is trying to kill you" poster. (He does a lot of great cat stuff.) One of my cats likes to flop on my head when I'm sleeping (or trying to sleep.) I've always thought he was being friendly... or just wanted the pillow. Maybe he is trying to kill me?

  19. Haha, very well done! A ton of these I hadn't seen before, either!


  20. Um, my cats have decided they're being made fun of. I'm not sure but I think one of them is trying to hack up....

    Aha! Got her off the computer just in time!

    I'll have to get back to you.

  21. You do such a great job with these, William. I was so proud of myself that I got the Dune reference. So many things go over my head. My favorite is the 'nap' cartoon.


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