Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, December 17, 2010

Ten Minutes In The Life Of Fox News

Good afternoon, I'm Joe Wright, and welcome to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel, where our Glorious Leader continues his noble quest of overthrowing the evil one we call "President" Obama.

Negotiations continue to liberate the future President, Sarah Palin, who is being unfairly held in custody, still in her giant size, after her misadventure trashing Washington DC several weeks ago. Empress Sarah, as we like to call her here at Fox, was tricked by an evil, evil Canadian Commie Pinko Mountie named Lars Ulrich, and defeated in battle. Her husband Todd had this to say to our reporters.

We're all waitin' and prayin' for Sarah to get back home as soon as she can, because, well, I can't handle all these kids myself, you know, and... come to think of it, what do I actually do for a living? Bristol! Stop flirting with that pool boy! Willow! Will you get off the phone? Daddy's talking to his good buddies at Fox! Trip! Trip! Oh, damn it, somebody go get Trip! He's playin' with the grizzly again! Where was I? Oh, right! Yes, we're waitin' for Sarah to be released from unlawful custody, 'cause she's got to get busy runnin' for President in a couple years. Besides, we've got another reality show to do beforehand. Yep, I'll tell you, launching a bid for the big job by usin' a hokey TV format is really really dignified. Like my old Uncle Jeb used to say, before he got frozen to death in the winter of 78...

We'll get back to you, Todd. You were drifting there.

The Republican Party is infuriated by the detaining of Future President Empress Sarah. At least the members of the Party that matter to Fox News. We'll just ignore the mainstream members of the party and concentrate on everyone who agrees with us. The Evil One, "President" Obama, had this to say about the detaining of our Empress.

Look, the reality is this woman turned herself into a giant, stomped about, and did incredible damage to the architecture and institutions of this city. It's a miracle no one was killed. Real people live here. Real lives are carried out here. And becoming a giant and obliterating everything in her path just because she thought it would play well with her Tea Party base does not excuse her actions. She must be held accountable.

Reached for comment, grand sage Rush Limbaugh guffawed at the "President's" remarks.

You know, my friends, this is typical liberal tactics. They demonize our greatest voices. They've got my good friend Glenn Beck hidden away in that Narnia place, framed by a talking lion. Now they've got Sarah detained and aren't doing anything to get her shrunk down to smaller size! Well, I've had it! This is the same government who called in a socialist from north of the border to do battle with her! They humiliated her using a red Mountie! Red as in commies! That's right! This is the same Commie cop they called in to solve that Muppet murder! Well, what do you expect from a government that supports socialist shows like Sesame Street? They can't even hire one of their own to solve a case! Look, this is what we do. I want all of my loyal listeners out there to get their torches and pitchforks and...

Whoa, slow down there, Rush. Wait for Operation Overthrow Democracy in 2013.

In a related story, the evil, evil Mountie responsible for the defeat of Empress Sarah is on the case in the recent escape of the Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson. Johnson, you'll recall, murdered Elmo, framed Grover, and nearly got away with it. Johnson was recently convicted and sent to federal prison in the west, but his plane crashed across the border in that Godless wasteland of Canada. Of the prisoners on board, only Mr. Johnson is unaccounted for. Our reporters caught up with the evil, evil Mountie, Lars Ulrich.

Listen, you bloody idiot, I've got real work to do. I've got a dangerous fugitive to hunt down. I don't have time for any moronic reporters to ask me why I'm not on tour with the rest of the band.

As you can see, the evil, evil Mountie then hit our reporter. And you wonder why we hate Canada. Well, not all Canadians. There are a few we like, as long as they march in lockstep with us. Deputy Prime Minister John Baird has been filling in for Prime Minister Harper during his recent rampage while giant sized. He spoke to us earlier.

The Prime Minister remains in full command of the cabinet, despite his unfortunate rampage some weeks ago. We're quickly working to remedy his gigantic size so that he can come back to work. We've got a lot of work to do, slipping our Removal Of Citizens' Rights And Freedoms secret agenda pushed through Parliament. And if those idiots in Opposition give us a problem, we'll just have Parliament prorogued again. Or we'll have the Opposition arrested. Wait, did I say that out loud?

We won't tell anyone. Joining us by satellite is our roving consultant, Keith Jarrett, author of I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom. He's out with a new book. Hello, Keith.

Hi, Joe.

Tell us about the new book.

I'm calling it, "Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All." You know, we've got to get serious about these terrorists before they...

Keith, sorry to interrupt here, but the Buddhists aren't terrorists. Not the last time I checked. They're actually mostly peaceful people.

They are?

The Dalai Lama is a Buddhist.

He is?

The last time I looked it up, yes. You know, maybe you should have researched this first.

Oh my god... no!!!! I printed up a million copies of the book on my own dime, and now you're telling me it's a mistake????

Keith? Keith? Someone over there on the other end give him a hand. Looks like he's hyper... excuse me? Sorry? One moment, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Murdoch, our Glorious Leader wants to speak to me.


Lord Rupert, Dark Lord of the Abyss, I bow to you, o fearsome one! What an honor it is to...

Shut the fuck up! How dare you! I just saw that, and how dare you suggest we at Fox research anything, by crikey! Now you listen to me and you listen good! Those gullible twits who tune into us think that...

Lord Rupert, we're live on the air.

We are? Damn it all to...

Lord Rupert? Master? Um, we've lost Lord Rupert. Finally, author, sage, and dominatrix Ann Coulter was heckled out of yet another speech at yet another university by yet more commie pinko students with no time on their hands. In the opinion of this anchor, those kids need a good tasering. Mistress Coulter had this to say, when our cameras found her staring at herself in the mirror.

Oh, yes, you are the most beautiful and captivating of them all. Yes, you are. If I could only find a way to clone myself I would take myself to dinner, get both of myself drunk and have my way with myself... oh! You're already here. Yes, those idiot Godless liberal brats think they can heckle me out of their Godless liberal universities? Think again!

Stay tuned to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel. Coming up on the O'Reilly Factor, Bill tortures some liberals.


  1. William, you must have stayed up all night coming up with this one!

    I get the feeling you don't like Sarah Palin....

  2. Let me put it this way. I'll bet you found it as enjoyable as sex.

  3. What, disliking Sarah or writing this one?

  4. Well, I was thinking in terms of writing the blog, but now that you mention it....

  5. I was laughing and snickering the whole time I was writing this one.

  6. The student has become the master. This was amazing, William! Plus, I see at least six different spinoffs coming.

  7. Yup, our local Feed-Hay & Trough Supply Store carries lipstick now in every shade imaginable.

  8. Ok, this one is really good. I loved it. Excellent work.

  9. I think I've said it before...

    Brilliant, absolutely brilliant

    You're as funny as I think I am, and that says something.

    Thank you for the big stupid smile you put on my face

  10. This made me laugh and snicker as I read it; I can only imagine the pleasure in writing it.

    Ah, Sarah...

  11. Did someone mention sex??? **gazes out the window wistfully**
    Anyway, how did I miss this on Friday? Oh, it was my bday and I was on a computer sabbatical! Well, I hate FOX news, and Palin, and Coulter, so I LOVED this. And boy do I wish someone would banish Glenn Beck to Narnia!

  12. Writing this was more then a whole lot of fun!

    A belated happy birthday!

  13. As Joe Biden might add, it's a big f---ing deal when just one news source is unabashedly conservative (as opposed to the hundred others that are unabashedly liberal).

    Funny stuff, William. Believe it or not, conservatives have a sense of humor!


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