Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Recipe For Disaster

I've been behind on reading blogs, so I've been a little less then productive writing them myself in recent days, but I thought I'd do a bit of copy and pasting here. Maria blogs a recipe once a week in her blog, so I thought I'd do the same. Well, only once. I'm not actually a cook; I'd probably burn water if I tried it.

I found the recipe for this online, and it's a favourite dish, perfect for the winter. It's a Dutch stew, relatively simple, and despite the name, it's not a marijuana recipe. At least none of the versions I've eaten.

If you're going to try this out, disregard the instructions that don't seem to have anything at all to do with cooking. That's just me being me.

Hutspot met Klapstuk (Hot Pot with Boiled Meat)

4 cups (1 L) water
2 tsp (10 ml) salt
2 lbs (1 kg) fresh brisket of beef
2 lbs (1 kg) medium-sized carrots, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch (1 cm) dice
3 lbs (1.5 kg) boiling potatoes, peeled and cut into 8 pieces
3 cups (750 ml) coarsely chopped onions
Freshly ground pepper to taste

And one bottle of wine; you'll be drinking during the cooking.


Bring the water to a boil in a heavy 3 quart (3 L) casserole. Drink one glass of wine.

Add the salt and the meat and bring back to a boil, skimming the surface of the water to remove the scum and fat that rises to the surface.

Answer the phone. No, you're not interested in life insurance. The one you've got is just fine. Drink more wine.

Partially cover the pot, reduce the heat, and simmer for 2+1/2 to 3 hours. Check the water frequently; it may be necessary to add more in order to keep the meat immersed.

Let the dog out. He's been looking at you with those eyes. Yes, you know the ones I mean. Pour yourself more wine.

Add the diced carrots and continue to simmer for 30 minutes, then add the potatoes and onions. Simmer uncovered until the vegetables are soft and the liquid is almost all evaporated.

Answer that knock at the door. You'll find an irritable English chef desperately in need of anger management therapy. He'll be cursing a lot. Give him the kick in the ass he deserves. Close the door. Drink some wine.

Remove the meat from the casserole and set aside. Using a wooden spoon, mash the vegetables to a puree in the casserole. Taste and adjust the seasoning.

Ignore the hammering at the door and the cursing. The chef tends to do that a lot.

Transfer the puree to a heated platter, forming a mound in the center. Slice the meat across the grain and arrange around the vegetables. Serve at once, accompanied by spicy brown mustard and a good quality dark bread.

Serves 4 to 6.
Clean up, and then answer the door for the police. Tell them it was your idiot brother in law that you don't like anyway. Watch the police haul him away. Explain to your sister why her husband's being taken away in cuffs.


  1. I knew this recipe couldn't be for real. You can't even boil water.

    Okay, maybe you can boil water....

    I want to try the Gordon Ramsay omelette...if I can ever figure out where to get fucking eggs....

  2. ha ha great and thanx for the recipe. When sales men call me speaking in French I reply in very bad english I say I no speakee french. Since their english is bad they assume they will never understand me and they hang up. When am in america I give the phone to my toddler who likes to talk on the phone - problem he only speaks baby

  3. If you get one of those spam calls, pretend that you're a detective at a murder scene when you answer the phone and start interrogating them.

  4. I don't understand how anyone can communicate with the police after drinking all that wine?
    I loved are funny.

  5. You inspired me.

  6. @Martin-Oh, that is priceless!!! I'm with Norma though...I want to try Gordon's fucking omelette recipe...of course, I want to have the wine to go with it...

  7. Does anybody really know what direction the grain of the meat is? I've been slicing pot roasts for 30 years, and haven't figured it out. I'm sure that I would be kicked out of the fucking kitchen.

  8. Now, see, Karla--you could cook with Gordon Ramsey. You speak his language!

    Beth, I think we'd need the wine to chase down the fucking omelette.


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