Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, December 10, 2010

Deck The Halls With Overblown Singing

Now, contrary to what you might expect, this is not going to be about Christmas music.

Some time ago, I started a bit of fuss over at IMDb by posting a discussion thread apologizing on behalf of all Canadians for unleashing Justin Bieber on the world. This, of course, was in the Justin Bieber threads, so you can imagine what happened.

Of course there were those people who got it, who were very much in agreement with that, and even offered apologies for whatever abomination their country launched on the world. And at the same time, the Bieberites came out in force and lashed out for degrading their idol. Bieberites are not only tone deaf, but they're biters. Just so you know.

I rest assured that given the fickle nature of Bieber's 13 to 16 year old fan base and the established history of what happened to every single boy band act before the little twit that the Bieber fad won't last. Inside of three years, he's going to be nobody again, wondering what happened to all those millions he made, while his agent is going to be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent on the pilfered funds. None of his current fans will even admit they were ever a Justin Bieber fan. I promise you all, it won't last.

Anyway, this isn't a Bieber rant. This is another apology on behalf of my fellow Canucks.

You see, there's another musical plague we unleashed upon the world, and unlike the mop headed little cretin, this one shows no signs of ever going away.

Yes, you guessed it.

It's Celine Dion.

A few days ago I passed through a store, and given the time of year, there was Christmas music playing on the speakers. Celine was bellowing out O Holy Night. The tune's a decent song, but like so many Christmas songs, it's best done in an understated way.

Celine doesn't understand the word understated.

I think it might well have been around the time of her third English album that she went and lost her mind and transformed into the CelineZilla we all know today. I blame David Foster. The music "producer" (yes, the quotation marks are indeed because I question his credentials, work with me, people!) seems to think that music has to be done Over the top! With soaring strings! And a two hundred singer choir!

No, David, that's called overblown.

One of my early blogs was on my dislike for The Wizard of Oz. If you haven't seen it, it's here in my index, and should be obvious when you find it. It's got that other example of an overblown singer, Judy Garland, who seems to believe in murdering a song. Over The Rainbow is a perfectly decent song if it's done in an understated way. I've heard jazz singers like Jane Monheit sing it that way, and it's fine. In the hands of Judy Garland, it's overblown. It's as if her mindset was can I break glass by singing this and holding the note as long as I can for a big finish? 

There's also the Whitney Houston school of singing. Before she went off and turned into a crack addict, Whitney was blowing songs out of proportion. Have you ever heard the original version of I Will Always Love You? It's quiet, but in the shrieking wails of Whitney the Banshee... er, I mean Whitney Houston, it's an anthem, over the top, obnoxious, and enough to drive you to drink.

Celine understands that kind of mentality. Every song she sings is BIG! And OVER THE TOP! Not to mention PULLING AT THE HEARTSTRINGS NO MATTER HOW MANY PUPPIES AND BABY PICTURES WE HAVE TO SHOW ON THE BIG SCREEN!

Yes, I'm revolted too. And the woman's turned herself into an industry. With lots and lots of fans who won't let her just fade away. So unfortunately, Celine is here to stay.

To those of you who love Celine, I suggest treatment by a good therapist to help you resolve your issues. Admitting you have a problem is the first step in your recovery.

To those of you who find Celine as obnoxious as I do, I apologize. My country and I offer our deepest regrets for unleashing the CelineZilla on the rest of the world. Try not to hold it against us.

And when Celine turns up on television or the radio, in those painful, agonizing seconds before you can switch the station, yes... I know. There are times when the deaf are fortunate.


  1. Hey, I like Celine!

    Well, not the recent stuff. I stopped liking her music shortly after she did the theme for Beauty and the Beast.

    Therapy, huh?

  2. Like I said, around the third English album, so that fits in with the timing before she went insane and became CelineZilla....

  3. I kind of like over the top - but I'd still rather jam a fork in my ear than listen to Bieber.

  4. ROTFL! Celine is just too much for me... always has been. And I'm sorry but I loathe those flat notes she hits in O Holy Night .... ugh! Just stick a fork in my ear. She slaughters the song. It should be pretty ... like a hymn. Sheesh!
    Bieber is a short lived fad, I agree. Bubblegum pop for the teeny-boppers. But don't feel bad, canucks ... you did give us Hayden Christensen at least. Ahh..... Hayden, how I do I love thee? Let me count the ways ....

  5. Okay so you just murdered all of my fave singers but at least u made me laugh while doing it so I dont want to gouge your eyes out.
    I have heard Bieber sing live (don't ask any questions or laugh) he was not off key and I am not tone deaf - Taylor Swift sings off Key so i can spot the diff.
    Celine - yes I love her too and oh holy night is my best xmas song not her rendition of it but I will listen to any rendition of it cos i love that song so much - u should hear my version/
    Whitney Houston precrack was talented, post crack hilarious and still talented.

  6. There was a South Park on years ago that went nuts on Celine Dion.

  7. She can over-sing with the best of them, but somehow I wish this had been a Bieber rant.

  8. @EJ: There'll be another Bieber themed blog in a few days.

    @Mike: "Oh, Ugly Bob! You are so ugly!"

    @Joanna: Always nice to know I'm not getting my eyes gouged out.

    @PK: Obviously it's not a good idea of me to start talking about Hayden in the Star Wars films, is it?

  9. OMG! This is by far, the funniest thing I've read in a long time...ok, let me rephrase that...This is friggin' hilarious!!!
    I also apologize for The Beiber and that wicked Dion woman...God, I hate her immensely...I can't stand either of their singing.
    A friend of my daughters likes JB...she's been able to go to his concerts because of the Make A wish Foundation...anyway, he wouldn't let any of the kids get pictures of themselves with him with their own cameras. It had to be with his camera person only...You're right, he's going to be nothing shortly...

  10. Hahahahahhaha! You made me laugh with your apology - I can only imagine. Thankfully he's not as much of an idol on this side of the Atlantic and everyone thinks he's American, so I keep my mouth shut.

    There's nothing to be done about Celine, though. Sigh.


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