Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Not The Ideal Christmas Gift

"Please come back to Stratford. We really are a pleasant town to visit, to see the Festival. Just because a mop headed cretin comes from here doesn't mean you have to hold it against us!"

-Statement from the Chamber of Commerce, Stratford, Ontario.

We hear you, Stratford. Don't worry. In a couple of years, you'll be back to being known for your outstanding, world class Shakespearean festival, rather than as the hometown of a short kid who's making fourteen year old girls go out of their minds. Just wait. His career should implode in on itself within the year. Eighteen months at the outset. When that happens, and his business managers have stolen every cent they can get out of him (not a joke, mark my words, it'll happen) he'll be in full washed up mode. You can hold your heads high when that happens.

In his quest to make as much cash as possible before his fan base grows up and leaves him behind, Justin Bieber has been heavily into the marketing. There's, let's see... albums, a concert film, a "memoir" (photo heavy on that one), and now... the doll.

Don't believe me?

I told you. Justin Bieber dolls. Yes, the mop headed cretin is releasing dolls of himself. Bit of an odd combination, that one. Does the mop headed cretin even know how to play a guitar?

The marketing chimps who thought this one up misfired. His fan base are made up exclusively of thirteen to sixteen year old girls who speak like OMG!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! DID YOU SEE???? all the time. They've set aside their days of dolls. No more Barbie and Ken for his fans. And as much as they're insanely adoring of the short twit, would they really want to pick up that old habit? I would say no.

There might, however, be another use for these dolls, and I submit it to you now.

Those of us who are sane and have a reasonably decent taste in music (ie something other than bubbleheaded teen acts put together by a studio executive) generally agree, regardless of preferred genres, that Bieber music constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, and even torture. Come on, admit it, even if you've got a thirteen year old daughter. It is torture!

I submit to you that we can make use of these dolls for our own revenge. Here's just a few such ideas.

1. Consult with a witch doctor about turning the Justin doll into a voodoo doll. Then start with the needles, the tossing off cliffs, the dipping into the fireplace, and whatever other method you choose.

2. Use it as a tug toy between you and your dog Killer.

3. Tow it behind your car, just to see how long it takes before it's unrecognizable.

4. Gather together a band of world class thieves (preferably a total of eleven), break into the Louvre, steal the Mona Lisa, and splice the doll into the video footage to make it appear that Justin Bieber himself stole the painting.

5. Do the same as above, but leave the doll behind, thus suggesting to the police that the theft was pulled off by Bieberites.

6. Give it to someone you hate as a heartfelt Christmas gift, and smile as they grind their teeth in frustration.

7. Spray catnip on it, and leave it for your cat.

8. Four words: Justin Bieber Doll Catapult.

9. Send Russell Brand pictures of the Doll photoshopped in with Katy Perry. Wait to see what happens when the living cat hairball goes ballistic on the real thing.

10. Entomb it in a time capsule (don't worry, no one ever opens those things anyway, and this way you'll be rid of the thing) with a note of explanation: yes, once upon a time, mercifully briefly, this mop headed cretin was popular. Try not to hold it against us, future people and or ruthless machine overlords.


  1. I get the distinct impression you don't really like The Bieb....

    Those are some really creative ideas.

  2. Give it to a four year old after telling him the history of the French Revolution. The gift basket it comes in will work out great to catch the mop top as it rolls over the edge of the table...plop.
    Then, you serve cake!

  3. OMG! Those pics make me laugh so hard. Love'em. I have one son who like him (he's 7) and another (15) who has nothing nice to say. He will appreciate these pics. Have a great holiday.

  4. I agree with the Bieb's career not lasting long...he'll be a nobody before too long. Thank God...
    And, thank goodness my daughter doesn't like him...he sounds like a girl, but tries to act all tough-guy like with that stupid sideways peace hand gesture...Puleeeeze, give me a break.

  5. "I have to agree with you on this one William Kendall,"she says as she pinches her nostrils together.

  6. Patience, patience, he'll soon be wondering where his fortune went while his managers are living off their pilfered funds.

  7. I'm sorry, I'm still laughing from the first photo!

  8. If the Bieberites ever get hold of this blog, I'm a dead man walking.

  9. Hi, I love Justin Bieber...


    (Wuz a hater before, can still appreciate this kind of stuff!)

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  11. Lol!! love the pics! Not much of a Bieber fan myself. If he would sing like a guy, I might be able to listen to his music, but come on!! BOO TO BIEBER!!!


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