A Day In The Life Of A Dog

7:25 AM. Waking up. Begin to wander around. Must wake up human.

7:27 AM. Finding human still in bed. Come on, human. Wake up.

7:28 AM. Resorting to barking. Human sits up and grumbles about alarm clocks.

7:35 AM. Human downstairs, lets me outside. Of course I must bolt outside like a lunatic. It's in my nature.

7:45 AM. Ten minutes spent vigorously chasing my tail in the backyard. Still haven't caught it. Next time, tail, next time.

8:45 AM. Back home after running around the farm mindlessly for an hour. Thoroughly hungry by now. Saw no trace of a squirrel to chase, more's the pity.

8:50 AM. Into the house. Breakfast time. Human has set out kibbles. How does she know these are my very favourite? Yum yum yum!

9:10 AM. Out onto front porch to sleep awhile. Spent a bit too much energy running around like a lunatic earlier. Besides, the sun is nice and warm. And the human says something about getting work done. What is this strange thing called work she talks about?

10:35 AM. Waking up. Decide to go out on a patrol. Will see if squirrel is in area. I hate squirrels. Hate every single one of those chattering little menaces.

10:55 AM. Stop near road while on patrol. Spotting car down the road stopping at the mailboxes down the way.

It's my mortal enemy. The Evil Nemesis.

It's the mailman!

10:56 AM. Watching mail car. Remembering chattering with human's sister's dog. Apparently the mailman walks right up to their door. The nerve! It makes me wonder why my mailman gets to drive...

10:57 AM. Getting closer. If it wasn't for that car, I'd chew your leg off, Evil Nemesis...

10:58 AM. Wait... this isn't right. The Evil Nemesis is turning into our driveway. He usually just puts mail in that box. Must chase him! All the way to the house if needed! Barking my head off the whole time!

11:00 AM. Have intercepted mailman at house. Have my front paws up on his door, barking at him viciously through glass. He looks uncomfortable. You had better be, Evil Nemesis! Come onto my property, will you?

11:01 AM. Human comes out onto front porch after hearing all my barking. She calls me inside. Wait, human. Can't you see I've cornered the Evil Nemesis?

11:02 AM. Human has put me back into the house for some reason. I look outside. There she is, talking with the Evil Nemesis! Human! He is a mailman! He is the enemy! Let me at him! Let me at him now! I'll take his leg off!

11:03 AM. Watching human signing for a package. Human, don't trust him! The Evil Nemesis could be plotting a trap! He's evil! Why won't you listen to me???

11:05 AM. Human waves goodbye as Evil Nemesis drives away. I keep barking my head off. To no avail. It seems the human just doesn't get that I'm trying to protect her from the terror that is the mailman.

11:06 AM. Human comes in, telling me that there was no need to do all that barking. I insist that mailmen are the sworn enemies of all dogs, and we are honor bound to do battle with them, but she doesn't seem to understand me.

11:07 AM. Sniffing all over the package the Evil Nemesis brought. No trace of poison or explosives in the scent, though I'll be dubious. I still say it's a trap. Something meant to make my life difficult, no doubt.

12:35 PM. Human making lunch. Busy with sandwiches. Using that odd mayonaisse stuff she likes. Back turned to me and the table. Spotting a cookie left over from her coffee break. Scarfing it while she doesn't see. Yum yum yum. Beating a tactical retreat before she knows I was there.

12:40 PM. Curled up in living room by fireplace. Human comes to find me. Asks what I was thinking, eating that cookie. Do best to look innocent. Keep tail absolutely under control. Tails have a way of giving us away when we're trying to bluff.

12:41 PM. Human walks away, sighing to herself and asking why she didn't just get a cat instead. Well, because cats are temperamental creatures, human. I'm a dog. Loyal to the end.

Though I will snatch a cookie from time to time when you're not watching.

1:55 PM. Human lets me out for a stroll. Sniff around for any sign of the Evil Nemesis. Or a squirrel. Or a cat.

2:20 PM. Have spotted cat while strolling grounds of farm. Cat spots me. Cat shows its claws as if about to threaten me. Cats. Why can't we all just get along? Live and let live? Is that asking the impossible?

3:10 PM. Returning home. Human having tea on front porch. Biscuits beside her on plate. Must mooch. Concentrate. Think of the perfect sad eyes. Works every time.

3:12 PM. Human gives me a biscuit. Yum yum yum.

5:50 PM. Human making dinner. Smells good. Wondering if I can scarf some while she's not looking? Or can I get away with that twice in one day?

6:10 PM. Human feeds me my dinner. Kibbles and canned meat. Yummy!

Of course, I must scarf it down.

6:35 PM. Human sits down to her dinner. Will sit close by and watch. Maybe she'll hand me something or another.

6:45 PM. Success! Human gives me a dinner roll. Yummy!

10:45 PM. Human yawning. Time for bed. Says she is off for night. Asks if I'll come upstairs.

Soon, human. But first, I must patrol the house. And sniff that box a few dozen more times.

After all, no telling if that package from the Evil Nemesis has a time delay feature on it, thus unleashing its vile true nature on you while you're sleeping.

I wouldn't put anything past an Evil Nemesis.

A Spin Doctor! A Spin Doctor! My Kingdom For A Spin Doctor!

I have no spur To prick the sides of my intent, but only Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself, And falls on th'other. .  ~ Macbeth, William Shakespeare

"What do you mean, you're not supposed to say Macbeth in a theatre? It's just a word. Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth. What's the worst that can happen?" President Andrew Jackson, inadvertantly setting off the Great Charleston Fire of 1831

"I swear, I have no idea what I was thinking when I added in that fake Andrew Jackson quote." ~ William Kendall, September 2012

Well, since last we did one of these, the Republican and Democrat national conventions have taken place (more or less). We are in the final weeks of the American election campaign, and yes... I know, it feels like it's been forever and that November still seems a long way off. Probably because it is. Still, now that we're getting closer, expect more of these blogs with regularity. The next blog will be full of foreign policy blunders and writing off half the country.

 Just keep telling yourselves: it'll all be over soon, it'll all be over soon.

The editorial cartoonists have been busy skewering all sides. Governor Mittens, who finally officially got the nomination (after a bizarre sort of skit by Clint Eastwood), promptly went into his Father Knows Best mode in his speech at the convention, talking about a gentler, simpler time when, "gosh golly, we all had American apple pies cooling on the window sill, and we all went out and played catch with our dad- not two dads, just one, and our mom-just one mom, not two, and no broken homes back then either, no going to stay with dad on the weekend because that just wasn't the way it was, and wasn't it so much nicer back then, fifty or sixty years ago before we had all that awful progress come in and make things all bad?"

Yes, the earmarks of someone trying to evoke an era that never was. Also known as Governor Mittens playing Mr. Rogers. Which, ironically, wouldn't be on the air in a Governor Mittens universe, what with the party base loathing PBS....

The Republican convention kept the cartoonists busy. The reluctant GOP nod to finally endorse Governor Mittens happened (does it have to be him? was often said during the proceedings in those days). And of course the convention got kind of sideswiped by a Hurricane named Isaac and a "Get Off My Lawn" rant by an otherwise outstanding director yelling at an empty chair....

The GOP choice for Vice President, Paul Ryan, requires something of a nickname, given that I've been calling Governor Mittens by a nickname for months on end. I had thought of Attack Dog. Hearing him speak during the news reports on the convention, it sounded like a sneer in vocalized words. Would Paul "The Sneer Incarnate" Ryan suffice?

The editorial cartoonists have hopped onto a bit of a Pinocchio theme with his tendency to fudge the facts in pretty much everything. Hence from now on, he must be referred to in these parts as Pinocchio Ryan. Also known as The Sneer Incarnate.

Of course, there's been another convention. The President, who wasn't opposed by anyone in his party (though Hillary still thinks she should have won the nomination last time out) received the go ahead from his party. Even if it meant Joe "Let Me Clarify" Biden would still be on the ticket as Vice President. It seems Joe has a problem keeping his mouth shut.

During the convention, former President Bill "I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman*" Clinton, who never met a photo op he didn't like, delivered a speech. He went on for quite awhile. People were staring at their watches. Network executives were wondering if they should break into Good Morning America after ten hours of the speech.

*By "not having sex with that woman", Bubba doesn't consider oral sex or hand jobs or the creative use of a cigar to be sex. Of course, if you asked him if he'd had sex with that woman, or that woman, or the one over there... well, his answer would depend on if Hillary was in the room.

Finally it was the President's turn to speak. He managed to have Biden gagged and kept behind locked doors.

And so we're into the final stretch. Of this campaign. Media types and politicians are already talking about 2016. I know. You're thinking enough already! Believe me, so am I.