A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so again the cat must have the last word, since she is a supreme being, and thus must be treated with the utmost respect and adulation. Let us begin.

7:06 AM. Waking up. Not dawn yet. Big yawn.

Dreamed of catnip and balls of yarn.

7:12 AM. An inspection of the outside from the back of the couch. Flying lunches are out and about raiding the feeders. If I was out there right now....

7:17 AM. Okay, what's the optimum amount of time to go upstairs and tell the staff to hurry up?

7:21 AM. Sounds from upstairs indicate the staff should be down shortly. It's about time, I've been up a whole quarter hour and haven't had breakfast yet.

7:25 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff. Now then, priorities: I have not yet been fed.

7:26 AM. Reminding the staff of my particular wishes for breakfast. None of them involve those field rations she persists in putting down for me.

7:28 AM. A plate of chicken and a bowl of milk. I approve of this.

I do not approve of the bowl of field rations.

I sigh, and set to work eating what I want.

7:30 AM. I have finished with my breakfast, and have ignored the field rations. I shall leave the staff to have her breakfast in peace and quiet.

7:43 AM. The staff is on her way out the door and off to that "work" place she insists on going to most days of the week. I remind her not to forget milk on her way home.

7:45 AM. The staff has departed the property for the day.

What to do with my time? Aside from plan my next nap.

7:51 PM. Somewhere off in the distance I can hear the barking of that foul hound from down the road.

Idiot mutt.

8:31 AM. Sitting on the windowsill, eyes closed, contemplating what's most important in....

.... and broken out of my musings by the barking of a dog.

Eyes open.

It's that damned dog from down the road.

On my property!

8:32 AM. Cursing and hissing and making a fuss. Yelling at the dog and telling him off. And true to form he's got a confused look on his face. He finally turns around and leaves.

Idiot!!!!

8:34 AM. The dog has left the property.

Note to self: when spring comes, have a word with the skunk about teaching him some manners.

8:40 AM. Well, that's enough for now. I think I deserve a nap.

10:58 AM. Waking up out of a well earned nap. Feeling a bit hungry.

11:00 AM. Oh, right. There's only field rations out in the open at the moment.

What to do, what to do...

11:03 AM. Despite much reservation and soul searching, I have sated my hunger with some of the field rations.

11:05 AM. Watching a bit of television. Endless commercials with Christmas is coming written all over them. Well, as long as the human hasn't invited her idiot relations with those idiot kids....

This is my house, after all, and I shouldn't have to spend five days in bolt holes hiding from little brats who want to spend their time chasing me and yelling "kitty" ten thousand times over.

1:29 PM. Barking from down the road. It's that idiot mutt barking at the mailman.

Honestly, he's just doing his job.

5:26 PM. The staff comes home. Well then, staff, have you remembered to bring milk?

6:31 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made bacon and apple pancakes, which I approve of.

7:21 PM. Watching the staff moving boxes into the living room. 

Boxes marked Christmas stuff.

So it begins.

8:36 PM. The staff has put up the Christmas tree and decorated it. And all of the other Christmas decorations are out. Looking at all the ornaments.

I must kill them.

9:35 PM. Keeping an eye on the Christmas tree. Planning routes of ascent.

11:40 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. If by chance you hear a tremendous crash from downstairs during the night...

.... I will have had nothing to do with the Christmas tree falling over.

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog has the first word in these things, since he is perpetually distracted by so many things.

7:21 AM. Waking up out of a sound sleep at home. Slept very well. Dreamed of chasing squirrels.

7:22 AM. A look outside. Still dark out there, but there's been more snow in the night. This is a good thing. I love doing snowdrift jumps. But first things first. Breakfast. Priorities, Loki my boy, priorities.

7:27 AM. The human comes downstairs. I start furiously thumping my tail on the floor as a sign of how pleased I am. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it? Say, how about breakfast?

7:29 AM. The human is pouring me a big bowl of kibbles.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy....

7:30 AM. Licking my chops after finishing off breakfast. That was good!

7:42 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she'll let me out for a run. 

7:44 AM. Out the door and on my way. Boy, is it brisk today! See you later, human!

7:55 AM. Running through the back fields and all the snow, barking my head off, as happy as I can be. 

8:09 AM. Stopping by to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

8:10 AM. After the customary doggie greetings, Spike and I start discussing things of most pressing importance to hounds. Like the movements of the enemy, otherwise known as squirrels.

8:12 AM. Spike advises me that his humans have started feeding the birds, so of course the squirrels are out raiding the feeders on a regular basis. But they seem to know when he's outside.

Same here, Spike. Same here. They must have inside information.

8:15 AM. Spike informs me his humans are having company over for the upcoming Christmas holidays. Oh, Spike, hopefully it's not company with kids. Kids do things like pull your tail and want to ride you like a horse...

8:20 AM. Spike and I go our separate ways after he assures me he'll keep me posted by dog barks when the mailman shows up at his place.

8:28 AM. Wandering through the woods, sniffing at things... hey, you know what? I'm near that property where that cranky cat lives.

8:31 AM. Wandering about on the property, looking around... oh, wait. There she is lying on a windowsill. Looking all content and quiet.

I think I'll bark a hello.

8:32 AM. My hello has not met with the ideal response. Instead she appears to be hissing at me, making all sorts of curses, and giving me the finger.

I will never understand cats.

8:34 AM. Departing the property and back into the woods. I wonder if she's going to call in a favour with a skunk or something like that.

No, no. Skunks are hibernating right now.

She may call in that favour in the spring.

8:31 AM. Strolling through the snow and the woods, thinking of cookies. 

I do not have a one track mind.

8:50 AM. Barking to let the human know I'm back. Human! It is I! Loki! Chewer of Slippers and Annoyer of Mailmen!

8:53 AM. The human manages to stop me before I can sprint outside and vigorously applies the Towel of Torment to dry me off.

Human, there is no such thing as wet dog smell. I am perfectly capable of drying off by the fireplace, you know...

10:45 AM. The human is having coffee. She has thoughtfully provided me with a sugar cookie.

12:21 PM. Lunch with the human. I have mooched a ham and cheese sandwich off her.

1:29 PM. Unleashing a volley of barks at the mailman as he drops stuff off at the mailbox and drives away.

And don't come back, you coward!!!!!!

4:12 PM. The human is having tea. I've convinced her to give me a cookie.

6:38 PM. Dinner time. The human has cut up a plate of beef for me. For whatever reason she insists on having carrots with her meat.

11:38 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sleep well. I shall guard the house throughout the night without fail.

In between naps.