Rantings Of A Demented Candidate

So, the Republican convention is underway, and I thought I'd take the obnoxious voice of Donald Trump again and speculate on the sort of crap he might blather on with. Needless to say, finding his voice is highly revolting. And odds are what he actually says will be much worse.

“I’ve just gotta say, folks, it’s great to see all of you out here ready to confirm what we already know: that the only person who can take this piece of crap party back to power is me, me, and me. Donald Trump. Because I am the best. I am the greatest. I do great things, folks. Everybody knows it. They know that the Trump name stands for quality and integrity and all that good stuff.

Hello, Cleveland! Well, those members of the community who got in here, anyway. I don’t give a crap about any of those stupid protesting ****ers out on the other side of the police lines, let me tell you. It’s been awhile since I’ve been in Cleveland, and let’s be honest... this is probably the last time I’ll ever come here, because let’s face it, the place is a hellhole, folks. Hell on Earth, let me tell you. When I get into the White House, I’m gonna build a wall right around this cesspool of a city and turn it into a prison, just like that movie, Escape From Forrest Gump, with Kurt Russell taking shots at Tom Hanks, right? And I’m gonna sentence Rosie O’Donnell to spend the rest of her life right here, believe me. Have I mentioned what a disgusting cow she is? It’s terrible, just terrible.

I know, some smarty pants reporters are going to be saying, hey Donald, you can’t sentence anyone to anything. You’re not a judge. Well, you know what I say to that? **** you! First thing I do when I get into the White House, I’m gonna be passing laws that revoke your rights and let me do whatever the **** I want! Emperor Donald, folks, that’s me.

And let me tell you something, folks. There are a lot of people out there who look at me and they criticize. They dare to question me. They think they’ve got the right to make fun of me. They refuse to bow down and worship me as I so richly deserve.

Well, **** that! Because I’ve got big plans, folks, big plans. As part of naming myself Emperor For Life, Supreme Majestor, and His Stupendous Greatness Lord Donald, which all of you vermin are gonna have to memorize, I’ll be passin’ a law that makes even the slightest criticism of me illegal and punishable by terms of seventy years hard labour in the Donald Trump re-education camps. You heard me right, folks.

Because anyone who makes fun of me, says I’ve got little hands, or thinks my hair isn’t actually real hair, they’re gonna end up there. Along with everyone who voted against me, believe me. Because the Trump campaign is gonna keep track of every ballot and who voted for who and what their social insurance number is. Don’t ask me how we’re gonna do it, we got ourselves a hell of a system. And after the election’s over, we’re gonna be busy settlin’ scores and puttin’ people behind bars and into forced labour and all that great stuff, am I right, folks?

You know what I expect outta life? What I’ve already got. Incredibly hot wife, I mean have you looked at Melania? She’s smokin’ hot and sexy and never in her life would even dream of plagiarizing anything. Let me tell you, folks, she’s almost as hot as my daughter Ivanka. And don’t worry, just because I’ve already divorced twice for younger women every single time doesn’t mean that’s gonna happen again anytime soon.

I haven’t had a chance to go out to Eastern Europe and scope any hot babes for the position of Mrs. Trump #4. Just kidding, believe me, trust me, that’s just a joke. Hey, if I’m lyin’, may lightning strike Justice Ginsberg.

Speaking of the old bat, let me tell you, she’s absolutely disgusting. First order of business after I’ve suspended your rights and all of democracy, I’m havin’ the whole Supreme Court arrested and locked up in my Trump re-education camps. Just because. We don’t need nine morons in black robes lookin’ like something outta a bad movie from what’s his name? Oh yeah, a bad movie from Olaf Bergman tellin’ us what to do. We just need me tellin’ you what to do. Like it was always supposed to be.

Where was I? Oh, right, tellin’ you what I expect outta life. Like I said, I already got that hot wife, and she’s gonna look all hot and sexy and gorgeous and amazin’ as First Lady. I got lots of people sayin’ to me, yes sir and right away, Mr. Trump, and let’s not forget, as you wish, dread lord of darkness. I got all of that. I got respect, let me tell you. I got respect from everybody and everything. I got respect comin’ outta my ass.

Everybody knows what a great guy I am. I mean, the blacks love me, even when I’m dumpin’ all over them or havin’ their homes torn down or plannin’ on revoking the 13^th Amendment. The Mexicans love me. Doesn’t matter if I’m callin’ them rapists and demandin’ they pay for the yuuuuuuuuge wall I’m gonna have built. Muslims love me, even if I think all of them should be kicked outta the country, believe me folks, that’s the first order of business when I get into the White House. Civil liberties, my ass.

Anyway, who else loves me? Women love me. Because every woman wants nothin’ more than to have a rich guy take care of ‘em and tell ‘em what they should do, right folks? Well, to be fair, not every woman. I mean, that Megyn Kelly, she doesn’t seem that impressed with me. Don’t know why, what did I ever do to her? Except that whole thing about blood comin’ outta her whatever. Hey, you know what? I still stand by what I said.

Hey, there’s Scott Baio, ladies and gentlemen, give the great guy a big hand. Did I promise this whole thing was gonna be star studded or what? And we all know that Scott Baio, he’s a hell of a guy, real A-list material. Scott, I’m seriously thinkin’ of havin’ you be my Head Honcho Of Culture, or whatever the **** I’m gonna call it after the dumbasses vote me in. Nobody can do that job better than a truly great actor like you.

It’s great to see Scott out here. And Kirk Cameron. Hey, Kirk, any thought to becomin’ my Grand Poobah of State Theocracy? We’re gonna need one, but you’re gonna have to shift your focus to the Worship of Trump first. Because aside from bein’ an Emperor, I’m elevatin’ myself to god status too.

Hey folks, there’s old Pat Robertson there lookin’ like he’s about to stroke out. Fooled you, did I? You thought you’d be the Grand Poobah of State Theocracy in the United States Of Trump, right? Well, sorry, old man, but that just isn’t gonna happen.

You know who’s not here tonight, folks? Lots of Republicans who are refusing to bow down and acknowledge me as their rightful master. We’re talkin’ two former presidents. We’re talkin’ two former GOP presidential candidates. And yes, John McCain, I still stand by what I said. I don’t like guys who get caught and end up prisoners of war. They’re losers. Losers! I like winners. Winners like me.

And we’ve got plenty of Republicans out there who decided not to show up at all. They made up all sorts of excuses. They snickered when they asked if they’d support me. They said they were busy mowing the lawn this week. Well, boys and girls... mostly boys, because I don’t give a **** about career women. When I’m in the White House, I’m comin’ after every single one of you in this party who show me this kinda disrespect. 

You don’t disrespect a Trump. And what I end up doin’ to the Mexicans and the liberals and the Muslims and the blacks and the Daughters Of The Revolution isn’t gonna be anywhere near as bad as what I’m gonna do to you traitors, believe me, folks, I know what I’m talking about. We’re talking scorched earth, people, the mother of all throwdowns.

That reminds me of my old pal Saddam. You know, when you really got to know the guy, he wasn’t that bad. Sure, he slaughtered lots of people, but he made an effort to take pride in his work. You know who else does that? Winners.

Anyway, I’m gettin’ carried away with myself. Make America Great Again. That’s my motto. That and Donald Trump Is Master Of The Universe. Because let’s face it folks, believe me, I am. Everybody knows that, and when I’m done and Crooked Hillary is spending the remainder of her days in a prison cell, it’s not gonna end there. Because I’m gonna have her daughter and grandchildren serve her sentence after she’s gone. All part of my Destroy Freedoms And Rule With An Iron Fist agenda. Wait, did I say that out loud? I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. Forget I said anything, okay, folks?

In closing, I just wanna thank my running mate. Mike Pence, governor of that great state of Indiana. This man, folks, he and I think alike. Mike, I swear, you’re not gonna regret hitchin’ your wagon to the greatness that is Trump. I mean, seriously, am I right, folks? We got the best team, the most amazing people workin’ for us, and we got all the suckers believin’ every line of bull we feed them.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, can possibly go wrong now. So don’t worry, Mike, we’re goin’ all the way to the White House.

Or as I’m gonna call it, the Trump House." 

Rampage Of The Overblown Ego

“And lo, in that day, when the third member of a clan of trees will seek the office of highest lord of his land (clan of trees? I really need to stop drinking) and the mother bear and her demented partner will be seeking that office, there will come out of the darkness yet another contender. A demon of the Trumpius clan, the Donaldus... a repugnance with false hair and an inflated ego. He will crow and he will scream at the heavens and he will sneer in those days, for lo, it will always have been for him that he is, in a manner of speaking, the hindquarters of a horse. Not literally, mind you, just figuratively.” ~ from The Book Of Arcane Prophecies, Chapter 62

World’s Biggest Ego Announces He’s Running For President; World Laughs At Him

New York (AP) Real estate and casino mogul, television personality, and narcissistic ass Donald Trump announced his bid for the Republican nomination as President of the United States, taking the opportunity to lash out at the President and fellow Republicans, not to mention numerous world countries and America as a whole, all while stroking his own ego and boasting of his accomplishments and self delusionary glory. 

Trump, who has absolutely no chances in hell of winning the nomination, joins a crowded field of GOP candidates trying to pass themselves off as the Second Coming of Ronald Reagan. Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, Rick Perry, and the tag team of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are among the candidates trying desperately to evoke a back to the past Father Knows Best mentality. Trump, with his massive ego, rampant xenophobia, and embarrassingly bad hairpiece, joins the fray as the biggest clown yet. He has occasionally mused in the past about running for office, and has regularly used Fox News as his venue to complain about whatever annoyed him on any given day. The multitude of comments have often been fodder to point out his supremely overinflated ego, narcissism, and general stupidity.

“It’s not as if he’s actually going to see this through,” Evan Acheson, a public relations expert remarked after the fact. “We’re talking about a man who craves nothing but attention, the spotlight... he’s addicted to it, and announcing a run at the nomination, even though it’ll go nowhere, it feeds his addiction. Frankly, if everyone just stopped paying attention to the hairline challenged toupee wearing blowhard, he’d curl up into a ball and die of neglect. Granted, that would be a good thing.”

Trump made his announcement at his Fifth Avenue Trump Tower, coming down an escalator to the sounds of ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’, oblivious to the irony of the situation and the song and looking like an old, angry man coming down the mall escalator. The Tower is also home base to his Apprentice reality show, lending yet more credence to the suggestion that this announcement was a circus act yet to be followed by more circus acts. He has billed himself as “the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far”- yet another example of his rampaging ego.

In a long, rambling speech of rhetorical nonsense and blowhard stupidity, Trump blabbered on about how rich he is, listing off his assets and how great a mogul he thinks he is. He lashed out at Mexicans, the Chinese, Japan, and immigrants, claiming he would make America great again. He spoke about currency manipulation, terrorism in the Middle East, his false boasts of job creation, his excessive wealth, even claiming “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.” He sneered as he noted that his attitude is needed after “losers” running the country.

Trump suggested a massive wall must be built at the Mexican border- and paid for by the Mexicans, and spoke of himself in the third person regarding ISIS. “No one would be tougher on ISIS than Trump.” His supporters applauded. Real reporters rolled their eyes and sighed, imagining that at the very least, late night comedians would be pleased by this, regardless of how long it would last. No doubt until the blowhard got bored and decided he’d had enough.

“We need a truly great leader,” Trump boasted, his every remark self centered, clearly believing himself to be that great leader- after all, the center of the world according to Donald Trump is Donald Trump. Those of us who live in reality know better. And yet for the mogul, there is no such thing as modesty or humility.

“Sadly the American dream is dead,” Trump said with his customary sneer as he finally finished up. “But if I get elected President I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before.” A typical Trump boast- the man has often spoken of his real estate ventures in such terms, as well as his own self belief that he’s the greatest human being on the planet. He seems oblivious to the disregard many, even Republican voters, have for him, let alone his complete failure as a human being to be able to empathize with others. He also seems oblivious to how truly ridiculous he looks with that toupee.

And so the campaign has yet another Republican in the mix, at least until he decides he’s had enough. Gambling houses are taking bets on how long before Trump quits the campaign, or how many gaffes he can make in a single day.

Psychologist Eleanor Warren had her own opinions on the campaign. “You know, I could go into detail about megalomania, his inability to feel empathy, his supremely over developed ego and overwhelming narcissism, his lack of manners and tact, his inability to understand humility and grace, his profound overcompensation for certain shortcomings as a man... but really, in the end, what it all comes down to is that the man is a complete jackass.”

Polls of Republican voters show that over half have a negative view of the mogul. Democrats view him as even worse. White House staff noted that since Trump has been one of the main voices fanning the flames of the “birther” movement that called into question the legitimacy of the President, they look forward to seeing him make a fool of himself repeatedly.

The last word must go to the Almighty, since Trump claimed he’d be the greatest jobs president God ever created. This reporter had a sit-down with God, who as it turns out actually looks a lot like Morgan Freeman. “You know, I have no idea what he’s talking about,” the Almighty remarked. “To be perfectly honest, I think Trump’s an asshole.”

My Fellow Americans, You Betcha!

Some links before getting started. Norma wrote about drive in theatres. Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday. Shelly had an extension on her online novel. Lynn had a Pop Culture Frenzy post. Ivy had a Friday Question.

Today I have something entirely different. Dick Cheney might want to have me come over for a hunting weekend after this. And we all know how hunting weekends turn up at Chez Cheney.

Insane Candidates Join The Fray; Comedians Everywhere Rejoice

St. Louis (AP) A crowded Republican list of candidates for the 2016 Presidential election just got more crowded. With frontline candidates such as Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry, and a slew of fringe candidates that include the egomaniacal bankruptcy prone casino developer Donald Trump already announcing their run at the Oval Office or expected to announce soon, two other Tea Party favourites have announced their joint run at the Presidency in this Mid-Western city yesterday.

Tea Party faithful were gathered at the America’s Center complex, along with media and staffers for the announcement. A flurry of faded politicians, hard right commentators, and washed up musicians were in attendance. Donald Rumsfeld, Pat Buchanan, John Ashcroft, Karl Rove, Herman Cain, Ari Fleischer, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and the urn containing the ashes of the late and not lamented right wing blogger Andrew Breitbart were among the most notable. Rocker and deranged lunatic Ted Nugent and country singer Toby Keith provided the entertainment and made veiled threats about anyone prying their guns from their cold dead hands. Nugent went on to repeat his oft mentioned question about why he wasn’t dead or in jail all this time after the previous election, given his remarks about the President, and rambled on and on, leaving one to wonder if he was drunk.

Then it was time for the big announcement. That announcement, of course, would come after Limbaugh, Coulter, Rumsfeld, Cain, Gingrich, and forty seven people from the lives and backgrounds of the two candidates made rambling and glowing tributes to both of them. As to which of the two would be the actual candidate was another matter. Finally after Keith finished performing ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, And Blue’, the singer made the announcement the Tea Party faithful and the Fox News reporters had been dying to hear. Those of us who are actual reporters had been rolling our eyes for at least two hours, wondering why the Republican party couldn’t field candidates who weren’t clinically insane or viewing the world with a mindset sixty years behind the times.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Hard workin’ Americans!” Keith bellowed, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. “Here they are, your next President and Vice President... and they’ll explain how they’re going to get around that all by themselves, they’re going to take the country back and put the boot in the ass to all those liberal commie haters who can’t stand eatin’ good ol’ American style steak, ladies and gentlemen.... Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann!”

Palin and Bachmann came out on stage, flashing the same vacant, slightly demented smiles they’re known for, accompanied by husbands and children, all of whom stood behind them on the stage. “Hello, America!” Palin called out, waving.

“Thanks for coming to our coming out!” Bachmann added. “Not that kind of coming out, mind you, the good kind!”

“You betcha!” Palin said with a grin confirming she wasn’t playing with more than a pair of twos, a three of spades, a ten of clubs, and one jack. The rest of the proverbial deck of cards that constituted her brain was long gone. “Gosh, golly, there are a lot of candidates out there for the Republican nomination in 2016, but when it comes down to it, the only way we’re goin’ to get those Dumbocrats outta the White House and Congress and every state house is if the two of us lead the way!”

Bachmann nodded. “So we’re gonna be President and Vice President! Or Co-Presidents to be more exact. Palin and Bachmann! Bachmann and Palin!”

Palin smiled again. “And we’re a team! So we’re gonna do things as a team. For instance, one day I’ll be the one in the Oval Office makin’ the big decisions and the next day Michele’s gonna be President for the day, and so on and so on. Presidents in turn!”

Aside from Tea Party faithful and Fox reporters, who broke out into gleeful applause, real reporters rolled their eyes and groaned. Did neither of these halfwits understand the basic concepts of the Constitution and division of executive powers? A Reuters correspondent spoke up. “You do realize the Constitution might have something to say about that kind of arrangement.”

Palin shrugged. “The Constitution? Who cares about the Constitution?”

Bachmann nodded. “Yeah, we’re goin’ to have it burned after we impose martial law and name ourselves Presidents For Life anyway.”

Palin looked confused. “Did we just think that, or say that out loud?”

“I don’t know,” Bachmann replied. She laughed in her typically demented way. “Look, what’s important is takin’ this country back from those godless latte slurpin’ commie liberals gettin’ in our way. And we gotta set this country back to the way things oughtta be, isn’t that right, Rush?” Limbaugh nodded enthusiastically. “That means Republicans in charge of everything, opposition destroyed, liberals caged up in super prisons if they so much as look at us funny....”

“You do realize you just said that out loud, right?” this reporter called out.

Bachmann frowned. “What’s your name? You’re goin’ on the enemy list!”

Palin smiled, shrugged, and remarked, “what do you expect from the lamestream media? You know, you don’t like America, Mr. Fancy Pants Reporter, why don’t you go to Russia?  You can see it from my house, if you squint real hard. America’s ours, a God fearin’, butt kickin’, beer drinkin’ steak and eggs apple pie gosh golly country that’s the greatest country on Earth! Everybody else eats our dust!”

Bachmann carried on. “This is our vision for America: a country full of freedom and fire and brimstone preachin’ and Mom’s apple pie, and the right to bear arms bein’ the only part of the Constitution we’ll keep, and Ronald Reagan statues in every town, and marriage being only between a man and a woman, and sex only being after marriage for the purpose of havin’ babies, with all the lights turned off. And Alan Jackson and Toby Keith and Ted Nugent tourin’ the country performin’ and keepin’ the dream alive. And no more Obamacare and lots of tax cuts for our corporate buddies and beer all around. And the Dixie Chicks in a concentration camp for ever darin' to insult a Republican president, am I right, Toby?”

Toby Keith stood up and applauded. “You sure are! I hate those Dixie Chicks!”

Bachmann laughed. “And while we’re at it, we gotta bring the rest of the world to heel, right, Sarah?”

Palin nodded. “Absolutely. That means takin’ down that Putin guy once and for all, and droppin’ some nukes on South Korea, and while we’re at it, a few nukes all over the Middle East. Get rid of those Iraqi Anwar Sadat fans once and for all.” This reporter shook his head- did this woman even know when she was making factual errors?

Bachmann continued. “What the world needs to know is that we’re in charge. That means respectin’ us and doin’ what we say or pay the price.” The fact that she said that with her usual vacant smile made the expression all the more disturbing. “That also includes gettin’ even with that Mountie who came down here a few months ago and beat up a few thousand of Rush’s supporters.” Limbaugh was nodding enthusiastically at this point. “No one makes Dittoheads bleed and cry and gets away with it! Canada, either you give us that Metallica drummin’ Mountie so we can have him drawn and quartered, or we drop nukes on you!”

Palin nodded. “Gosh golly, when we’re through, those godless liberal commie fascists won’t recognize the land of the red, white, and blue!” This reporter sighed in dismay, expecting that the difference between communism and fascism was too complicated for the mind of Sarah Palin. “Michele and me, we’re gonna take this country in the right direction, and we’re gonna be the most benevolent overlord rulers of any country everywhere! We’re gonna get back to the basics, and that means steppin’ up and doin’ what we say, and that means you, Levi Johnston! Time to man up and marry Bristol, you punk! And sure enough, give those commie liberals enough time and they’ll come around to see things our way. Or we can just toss ‘em all into some concentration camp with the Dixie Chicks and the gays and the peace activists and the Supreme Court and the holdout Dumbocrats."

Michele smiled in that delirious way of hers. “God help America.... I mean, God bless America! Remember, in 2016, vote Palin and Bachmann!”

“Or Bachmann and Palin!” Palin added.  “Vote for us! You can trust us! I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?”

The two left the stage to the sound of Toby Keith and Ted Nugent jamming in a strange rendition of God Bless America. As to the question of what was the worst that could happen, this reporter was envisioning nuclear holocaust. Granted, what were the chances? Who in their right minds would even vote for this pair of dolts?

GOP party bosses were horrified at the prospect of Palin and Bachmann running for the nomination. The Koch brothers were busy hedging their bets, wondering how much bribe money would be needed to control them. This reporter wondered if the Koch brothers ever thought they’d be spending less money just paying taxes than blowing it on political manipulation. And up in Canada, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich was cautiously approached by other reporters, who informed him of the demand by the Palin/ Bachmann team. “Drawn and quartered?” he asked, smiling in a strange way. “Well, they’re welcome to try.”

Late night comedians were ecstatic at the thought of a Palin/Bachmann run at the nomination and the sheer possibility of ways they could work this into monologues. “However long this campaign lasts,” Conan O’Brien told reporters, “we’ll have plenty of material to use for years.”

Stephen Colbert, due to take over David Letterman’s old spot on the Late Show in September, mused on getting an early start to take advantage of the full comic possibilities that a Palin/ Bachmann ticket presented. And Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, soon to move on, was stunned to hear the news. He told reporters, “They choose now to run for the nomination? This is a dream come true. I wonder if it’s too late to change my mind.”

Goodbye, Mittens, Don't Forget To Write

"If a politician murders his mother, the first response of the press or of his opponents will likely be not that it was a terrible thing to do, but rather that in a statement made six years before he had gone on record as being opposed to matricide." ~ Meg Greenfield

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it." ~ Mark Twain

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." ~ Ambrose Bierce

"Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods." ~ H.L. Mencken

"Popularity should be no scale for the election of politicians. If it would depend on popularity, Donald Duck and the Muppets would take seats in senate." ~ Orson Welles

"Hmmm... Kermit For President, Muppet Party 2016... has a nice ring to it." Kermit the Frog

At long, long last, it's over. The endless ordeal that was the 2012 US election campaign actually did reach an end last night, with President Obama scoring a narrow victory over Governor Mittens. The long road has reached its end, with crushing disappointment for one side, the jubilation of victory for the other, and already political minds and pundits talking about what's going to happen in 2016 (Yes, I know, just like you, I'd like to grab them all by the throat and yell "What's wrong with you?????").

This is, fortunately, the last in the line of election campaign blogs for me (at least until 2016!). If by chance you haven't seen it, check out our joint blog, where we had a Without A Word blog having fun of things yesterday.

Aside from the big campaign coming to an end, there were of course some other notable results. In Missouri, Claire McCaskill handed a defeat to Republican Todd Akin, the Senate hopeful who put his foot in his mouth some weeks ago by his complete ignorance of basic female anatomy and going on and on about "legitimate rape." And the states of Washington and Colorado made recreational users of marijuana very, very happy. Denver and Seattle are preparing for a massive influx of newcomers, who are going to put a lot of money into the local economies, particularly in the purchase of cheesies and chips.

As you can imagine, the pundits and comedians were already having a field day with the subject last night, and will for some time to come. For the rest of us, we're feeling something of a hangover.

Well, aside from Governor Mittens, who's not allowed to drink, though I'm sure right about now he'd like to... 

Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and Glenn Beck all spontaneously combusted last night as the evening went on, though Darth Rupert does have their personalities on file to be downloaded into new clone bodies. Apparently spontaneous combustion happens quite often to these three; this is, by all reports, the two hundred ninety seventh time this has happened to Limbaugh.

The editorial cartoonists of the world have a lot to work with now...

Governor Mittens, however, has reached the end of the road. There are few second chances in America for presidential candidates, so he'll have to pack up and go home. Might be hard going back to Massachusetts, since they voted strongly against him... and so did his home state of Michigan.

Maybe it's time to go visit his money in overseas tax havens for the next few years. And look into changing his name. And growing a beard. Either that, or tell anyone who asks, "Oh, no, no relation at all, I just look like that guy."

For the President, on the other hand, well, he has a bit of time to bask in the victory. Sure, he has a Republican opposition in Congress still foaming at the mouth to undermine him at every step, and a fragile economy to treat with the greatest care....

President Obama, you might want to bask in the victory for no more than five hours. Six, at absolute most.

And whatever you do, make sure Biden doesn't say anything.

For the rest of us, we can breathe a sigh of relief. No more endless speeches, rhetoric, attack ads, and wall to wall coverage. It's been settled all in one night. Congratulations, America. We weren't sure if you had it in you to get it done that quickly. None of us wanted to watch a repeat of the debacle in 2000, after all...

Granted, of course... the pundits were already talking on a couple of the channels I checked out about possible contenders in 2016.  I know. I feel like unleashing the zombie plot bunnies on anyone who's already talking about next time.

Though rumor has it the Republicans are going to field country singer Toby Keith and motormouth Ann Coulter for the ticket next time out. With Ted Nugent becoming Secretary of State.

And so I leave you for the last time (barring any chance that last night was a dream and we're just all waking up right now to a massive dispute over what really happened that'll drag out for months to come) with the two candidates you should have voted for.

Hamish and Watson