A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog gets the first word in with these, because his attention span is so short.

7:06 AM. Waking up at home. Big yawn. Slept very well indeed. Dreamed of chasing squirrels. 

7:08 AM. A look outside. The sun's not quite up, but close enough. I can see birds pecking around out there. Looks like we had frost in the night.

Looking forward to getting out there for a well deserved run. But first things first. We must have breakfast seen to. And for that, we'll need the assistance of the human.

7:16 AM. The human comes downstairs. I begin furiously thumping my tail in greetings. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it? The sort of day where a good run is called for. But priorities being what they are, have you thought of my breakfast yet? Just saying....

7:18 AM. Watching the human as she gets my breakfast together, pouring a big bowl of kibbles....

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.....

7:19 AM. Have finished off my breakfast, seven seconds shy of my all time fastest consumption of breakfast. 

That was good!

7:22 AM. Making inquiries with the human as to if she'll let me out for my run. 

7:23 AM. Out the back door and on my way. See you later, human!!!

7:36 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, as happy as I can be.

7:58 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

7:59 AM. After the customary doggie greetings, Spike and I get to talking about the pressing matters of the day. The schemes of the squirrels. The hidden society of the mailmen. Kibble-gate.

8:03 AM. Spike reminds me that Hallowe'en is happening later this month. I know, Spike. the human's already been decorating. No jack o'lanterns yet, but that'll be coming. What is the point to mangling a pumpkin anyway?

8:09 AM. Spike and I part ways. He says he'll alert me when the mailman stops at his place later on.

One of these days, Spike, he'll slip up, and when he does, we'll get him.

8:21 AM. Strolling through the woods, on my way home. Come across the creek. To play in the water or not play in the water, that is the question....

Oh, it's not even a question. Let's splash around.

8:28 AM. A good shake of the fur after splashing around in the creek. Well, the human can't say I'm not clean.

8:40 AM. Barking at the back door. Human! It is I! Loki, Annoyer of Mailmen and Chewer of Slippers! Let me in!

8:42 AM. The human intercepts me before I can sprint inside and subjects me to the Towel of Torment.

Come on, human! Will you stop spreading the wet dog smell myth?

8:44 AM. The human has finished towelling me off. I proceed into the living room, where she's thoughtfully put on a fire in the fireplace. Time to lie down for awhile. I've had quite a run.

10:28 AM. Woken up out of a good nap by the sound of the cookie jar. Going into the kitchen to mooch a cookie off the human, who's having some coffee.

Oatmeal cookies always taste good after a nap.

12:17 PM. Lunch with the human. I've used my sad eyes trick to convince her to give me a ham and cheese sandwich.

2:03 PM. The guy on the Weather Channel is predicting twenty centimetres of snow for parts of the province tonight.

At least it's not that guy who used to be on this channel who kept telling people they'd have to eat their dead every time there was a flurry. I wonder what mental hospital he ended up in.

4:10 PM. The human is having afternoon tea. I have taken the opportunity to mooch another oatmeal cookie.

6:30 PM. Dinner with the human. She's been kind enough to give me a plate of meatloaf. 

This is good!

8:23 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of life. Is there a purpose in chasing one's tail?

11:19 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, and sleep well. But keep the door open. If there's lightning in the night, I'm totally hiding under your bed.

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

 The NHL regular season gets underway this week. It's been awhile since we've last had the point of view of that sadly deluded nitwit who's part of the Leafs Nation cult. All of them earnestly believe that this year will be their year. Even though it never will be....

2:28 PM. At work. ****in' boss. Doesn't give me the ****in' day off. Oh well. Another hour and a half and I'm outta here. 

****er doesn't know how important today is. Regular season home opener for the Maple Leafs, baby! This is our year! The Cup is comin' home! Wooo!

Bet that ****er is a Montreal fan.

3:59 PM. Out the ****in' door. Freedom, baby! I'm excited. Big game tonight, we're hostin' Montreal, and we're gonna murder 'em! The Bay Street Massacre, they'll call it! 

4:02 PM. Hailin' a cab, puttin' on my Leafs jersey. Lookin' forward to gettin' some drinkin' in before the big game!

Hey, I can hold my liquor! Anyone who tells you I got a problem with boozin' is lyin' to you, mother****er!

4:26 PM. Droppin' in at my favourite pub, and there's Harry and Jack waitin' for me. Hey, boys! Good to see you! Lou! Beer here!

Boys? Tonight's the big night. The first stage of the greatest season of our lives. The year the Stanley Cup comes home where it belongs.

Toronto, baby! Go Leafs go! Yeaaaaahhhh!!!!!

4:45 PM. Me and Harry and Jack are talkin' over beer and rings. Off season trades. The line up this year. The new GM. What the coach is up to. It's the perfect formula, guys. Nothin' is gonna stop our boys. Nothin'!

5:32 PM. One more beer for the road, boys, and then we gotta get over to the arena. Big game tonight, boys. Big game!

Go Leafs go!

5:51 PM. On our way out. Hey Lou! Save us our regular seats! Lot of celebratin' to do after the game!

6:20 PM. In the line to get in. Lots of people happy to be here. Ready for the best season ever. An undefeated Leafs squad, all wins, no losses, and sweepin' every series in the playoffs. That's what's gonna happen, baby! And if I'm wrong, may lightnin' strike.... um... Wayne Gretsky! Yeah, that's it. **** Gretsky! Who the **** was he, not signin' with the Leafs back in the day?

7:02 PM. In our seats waitin' on the game to start. Anthem time. O Canada, our Maple Leafs land! True Maple Leaf love, in all of us command!  

7:05 PM. Puck drop about to happen.... here we go, here we go...

Go Leafs go!!!!!!!

7:07 PM. Boys? You wanna tell me how Montreal's up on us 3-0? 

7:21 PM. Yellin' and hollerin'. Hey, ref! Are you blind? You're supposed to help the Leafs win! Get in there and take out the kneecaps of that Montreal goalie! Whaddya doin', lettin' those Habs get ahead seventeen to nothin'?

7:45 PM. Intermission. Me and Harry and Jack, we're flummoxed. How the **** can our boys be down twenty one goals to zilch?

8:18 PM. Gettin' worse now. Those lousy Montreal bums have gotten ahead of our boys thirty two to nothin'.

Come on, ref! They're cheatin'! They're cheatin', and you're standin' there lettin' it happen, you useless ****in' mother****er!!!!

9:31 PM. End of the game. Toronto lost. Forty eight to nothin'. Records smashed. Sittler's old record of ten points in a single game? Gone. That Gallagher ****er scored seven goals and five assists all on his own. Hell, even their ****in' goaltender scored a goal on us. The humiliation.... the rest of the League will never let us live this one down.

Boys? I can't take it. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm done.

9:50 PM. Me and Harry and Jack stop in at the bar. Everybody's lookin' downcast. Grown men cryin' .

This is as bad as it's ever been. This is worse than when they blew those playoff series. 

Lou! Beer here!

10:02 PM. Talkin' it over with the boys. Listen, we gotta... we gotta just break this ****in' rut we're in. We gotta stop rootin' for these guys, boys. Because all we're gettin' outta this is our hearts gettin' stomped on every ****in' year. Over and over and over again. 

We gotta stop bein' part of Leafs Nation.

12:45 AM. Had a few more rounds with the boys. My momentary lapse of faith has been put in the past. Tonight was a hiccup. That's all it was. Things happen. That's it.

Our boys will come back big next time out, and we'll be there to see it all.

Am I right, boys?

1:13 AM. Partin' ways with Jack and Harry to catch a cab home.

Hey, boys!

Go Leafs go!

1:48 AM. Stumblin' in my front door at home. Gonna have a monster hangover in the mornin'. Collapsin' on the couch. Wonder if I can call in sick tomorrow.

Who the **** knows? What I do know is that I'm a fan of the greatest sports team ever, and this is our year, baby!!!!!

Go Leafs go!!!

Geez, I hope I don't choke to death on my vomit while I'm sleepin'.

The Nigerian Cabinet Ministry Ploy

They have never found a level they will not stoop to. They have no moral compass, no ethical centre, no line they won't cross. They will spend their time sending hundreds of thousands of emails spewing the same scam story. They will waste their time posting comments on other people's blog trying to get traffic to their own pages while proving they aren't reading yours (Rajani Rehana, that's you by the way, you insufferable twit). 

I speak of course of homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus, otherwise known as 

internet scammers and spammers. This email made it through to my spam email recently.

Federal Ministry of Agriculture and Natural Resources.
Federal capital territory Office.
complex block A,area 11
P.M.B.135 Garki Abuja.Fct

Dear Friend


It is with trust and confidence that i write to make this urgent business proposal to you. I was assigned by two of my colleague to seek for a foreign partner who will assist us in providing a convenient foreign account in any designated bank abroad for the transfer of Fifty two million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars only pending on our arrival in your country for utilization and disbursement with the owner of the account.

This amount results from a deliberate inflation of the value of a contract awarded by our ministry, the Federal Ministry of Agriculture (F.M.A)to an expatriate company.the contract has been executed and payment made to the original contractor, remaining the over-invoiced amount of Fifty two million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars only, which we want to transfer the funds out the country in our favour for disbursement among ourselves. The transfer of this money can only be possible with the help of a foreigner who will be presented as the beneficiary of the fund.

As government officials, we are not allowed to operate foreign accounts, and this is the reason why we decided to contact you. We have agreed that if you/your company can act as the beneficiary of this fund (Fifty two million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars only)15% of the total sum will be for you for providing the account while 85% will be reserved for us.

We hereby solicit for your assistance in providing a convenient account number in a designated bank abroad where this fund would be transferred. We intend coming over there on the completion of this transfer to secure our own share of the money.

Please note that we have been careful and have made all arrangements towards the success and smooth transfer of the fund to your account before you. For security reasons and confidentiality of this transaction, we demand that you should not expose this proposal and the entire transaction to anybody.

We are putting so much trust in you with the hope that you would not betray us or sit on this money when it is finally transferred into your account. Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free. If this proposal is acceptable to you,indicate your interest by sending a email to us including your bank name & address, account number,telephone number.

Note: our former president Muhammadu Buhari collaborated with Abdulrasheed Bawa as the new EFCC chairman, Economic Financial Crime Commission, Mr.Abdulrasheed Bawa  to stop the junior ranks officers from transferring funds out of the country. He sent different Cublication to many countries in the world as propaganda to discourage all government Officials from transferring funds into an overseas account to avoid and save guides the countries economy.

Apparently, so that other government officials will not benefits from these( oil windfalls venture) where he has been a culprit alone with his aides. More details about this transaction will be given to you as soon as we receive your positive respond.

Note that the particular nature of your company's business is irrelevant to this transaction. if this transaction interests you, your urgent response will be appreciated.

In addition, there are some faceless beings in my country that are making use of top government official names to swindle money from innocent citizens around the globe and that includes my name. You can confirm by searching the name of our Central Bank of Nigeria Governor in person of Godwin Emefiele; you will see that his name is part of the scam list meanwhile we are innocent officials completely unaware of the situation happening of which after utilizing their names and profile, they will have uploaded on the internet in order to ruin their reputation making the citizens believe that the officials are corrupt.

Yours faithfully,

Dr.Ken Obiorah

Oh, brother. Where to begin? Well, with the fact that this story is all about Nigeria, which seems to be ground zero for internet scams. We see the usual hallmarks of a scammer. Overly formal writing. Spacing and punctuation and capitalization issues. This is not written by someone who has a command of the English language. 

They propose a scheme for the recipient of this email (otherwise known as The Mark) to collect a handlers fee for the money they (otherwise known as The Scammers) intend to deposit in an overseas account for later division amongst themselves. Only the money doesn't exist. Because they're lying through their teeth. They aren't Nigerian government officials.

They cast blame off on other people (again, who don't actually exist) in those government ministries trying to enrich themselves through corruption, all while effectively saying they're doing the exact same thing in wanting to move out a few million dollars that won't be missed anyway. If this were real, those few million dollars would be missed- especially in a country as on the financial edge as Nigeria. But it's not real. 

Because what this is really about is some scammers at the end of a long line of emails in some desolate corner of the world trying to gain access to bank accounts of gullible suckers on the far side of the world. That's it, that's all. The money in this case consists of how much they can drain out of the accounts before The Mark wises up and realizes they got conned.

Nice try, guys. Really. I get it, you can't make an honest living, you've probably got people who have you by the fine hairs and who will break your legs if you don't come through. To which, I would say one word: good. 

But I know better than to believe this crap.

What we need to do with you is to have you launched into space, and sent to make first contact with an alien species out there in the stars. Good luck.