The Unexpected Totally Fake Scam

 

They are the lowest of the low. They have no real job, no purpose, no direction in life. Nothing but being what they are. They are the scum who send us random comments in our blogs that have nothing to do with the subject. They are the vermin who send us emails with spam and scams, trying to get attention, trying to get someone just gullible enough to do business. I speak, of course, of that wretched horde called homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, otherwise known as the internet scammer and spammer. The following crap came to my email recently, but not with the name listed in the included email. No, it was one Nancy Peters. That should be the first hint.

From  : JP  Rodrigue

RE      : Regarding Pending Matters

            (D.M.C) FCA.

Dear Sir,

I am pleased to inform you that I have recently resumed duty as Chairman  Debt Reconciliation Commission. Our responsibility is to reconcile and release all pending and unclaimed funds owed to individuals and companies.

According to our records, an outstanding overdue amount of "seven hundred and fifty thousand USD has been located in an international account registered under your name and email address. These funds are classified as unclaimed and are rightfully due to you.

We have observed that the payment is delayed due to an unauthorized claim. To proceed with the release of these funds, we kindly request the following information for validation:

- Full Name

- Telephone Number  

- Contact Address

This is to enable us to arrange the immediate transfer to your designated financial port.

Please confirm at your earliest convenience so we may proceed

Sincerely,  

JP  Rodrigue

Chairman, Debt Management Commission (D.M.C) FCA.

Oh, sure, right. That's believable. A random email reaches myself and five hundred thousand other email addresses claiming that I'm owed money. From an agency that sounds official but doesn't actually exist. They use the overly formal writing, claiming that I'm owed seven hundred fifty thousand dollars in an international account registered to my name. This is astonishing, because my banking is of course domestic only. They want me to get caught off guard and believe this crap, because if I do, it's only a matter of time before I get caught up in it, and the inevitable "administration fees" are set up.

Of course, I know better. I've seen this crap so many times by now that their methodology is well known to me. So I won't believe any of it. But they're not counting on me. They're counting on the one or two gullible nitwits in that list of five hundred thousand random emails they've sent this to. The nitwits who will actually believe it, and then wonder after losing a few thousand dollars where it all went wrong.

In an ideal world, schmuck, your end would be against one of these fiery grouches. A well deserved end too.

The Qatari Investment Scammer

They are the worst of the worst. Scum, walking the earth, with no morals, no scruples, no lines they won't cross, no promise they won't break. No, we're not talking about the Republican Party of the United States, though I can see why you would think that. No, I speak of course of that vile lot we call homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. Otherwise known as internet scammers. The following came through my email recently, with an internet address suggesting it was coming from Africa. Last I checked, Qatar is not in Africa. 

Warm Greetings,

I trust this message finds you in good spirit and health.

We are an investment and asset management firm based in Doha - Qatar, possessing over two decades of experience in the financial sector and we are contacting you to inquire whether you have any current projects or ventures that require financing.

Our investors are open to providing private loans and engaging in capital partnerships across a diverse range of sectors which includes, but are not limited to, Startups - Projects - Contracts - Expansion - Acquisitions in all sectors of works and any of these related business ventures such as Energy - Renewable and Bioenergy, Power Sectors, Oil & Gas, Construction, Automobiles, Agriculture, Forestry & Fishing, Acquisition, Health Sector, Stock Speculation, Communication Services, Real Estate, IT (High-Tech. and Bio-Tech.), Education Sector, Hospitality, Technology, Transportation, Mining, Maritime, Tobacco and Manufacturing, Pharmaceuticals, Business and Trade Finance... Etc.

Our investment platform and strategy is centered on supporting enterprises characterized by robust management teams and innovative business models and we maintain a keen interest in companies with a demonstrable track record of success, as well as high-growth potential startups.

We would be pleased to learn more about your business operations and objectives should your company align with our investment criteria. We would therefore anticipate your immediate response to this email at your convenience to arrange an introductory call to discuss your specific financing needs and explore potential partnership opportunities.

Moreso, we welcome any referrals to associates or partners who may be seeking financial support as we offer a certain percentage (1% precisely) of the loan as commission to agents / brokers / consultants who introduce clients to us.

We anticipate the possibility of a mutually beneficial collaboration between our firm and yours.

Kind Regards,

Mohammed Abdullah.

Investment Consultant

Industry Investment Group

Sigh. This is quite random. Like the half a million other random emails they send this nonsense out to. First, I'm not in any business. And if I were, I wouldn't accept business proposals from random idiots who send this out of nowhere. They write this in true spammer form letter style- over the top formal, using the sort of vernacular you'd expect out of investment people (who have no soul to begin with. Honestly, they're as bad as bankers)

They spew all of this nonsense, hoping to get someone dumb enough to believe it, or at the very least respond. Because if you reply back and tell them to go fuck themselves (very tempting), that's when they can really get started hacking you. I remember speaking with someone who's in IT at my workplace. He agreed that it's tempting, but doing so is practically inviting the spam and malware. So best to just report it as phishing, delete, and be done.

Because this isn't a real investor. This is a scammer, out to take your money.

And they never learn. No matter how many times they're ignored, or ridiculed in a venue like this. They just never learn.

They persist, until they find that one person gullible enough to believe them.

And then they proceed to ruin their day, or ruin their life.

It never ends. In an ideal world, this person, whoever they really are, would be standing right on the slope of this canyon at the right moment. Or the wrong moment, at least for them.

The Nigerian Cabinet Ministry Ploy

They have never found a level they will not stoop to. They have no moral compass, no ethical centre, no line they won't cross. They will spend their time sending hundreds of thousands of emails spewing the same scam story. They will waste their time posting comments on other people's blog trying to get traffic to their own pages while proving they aren't reading yours (Rajani Rehana, that's you by the way, you insufferable twit). 

I speak of course of homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus, otherwise known as 

internet scammers and spammers. This email made it through to my spam email recently.

Federal Ministry of Agriculture and Natural Resources.
Federal capital territory Office.
complex block A,area 11
P.M.B.135 Garki Abuja.Fct

Dear Friend


It is with trust and confidence that i write to make this urgent business proposal to you. I was assigned by two of my colleague to seek for a foreign partner who will assist us in providing a convenient foreign account in any designated bank abroad for the transfer of Fifty two million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars only pending on our arrival in your country for utilization and disbursement with the owner of the account.

This amount results from a deliberate inflation of the value of a contract awarded by our ministry, the Federal Ministry of Agriculture (F.M.A)to an expatriate company.the contract has been executed and payment made to the original contractor, remaining the over-invoiced amount of Fifty two million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars only, which we want to transfer the funds out the country in our favour for disbursement among ourselves. The transfer of this money can only be possible with the help of a foreigner who will be presented as the beneficiary of the fund.

As government officials, we are not allowed to operate foreign accounts, and this is the reason why we decided to contact you. We have agreed that if you/your company can act as the beneficiary of this fund (Fifty two million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars only)15% of the total sum will be for you for providing the account while 85% will be reserved for us.

We hereby solicit for your assistance in providing a convenient account number in a designated bank abroad where this fund would be transferred. We intend coming over there on the completion of this transfer to secure our own share of the money.

Please note that we have been careful and have made all arrangements towards the success and smooth transfer of the fund to your account before you. For security reasons and confidentiality of this transaction, we demand that you should not expose this proposal and the entire transaction to anybody.

We are putting so much trust in you with the hope that you would not betray us or sit on this money when it is finally transferred into your account. Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free. If this proposal is acceptable to you,indicate your interest by sending a email to us including your bank name & address, account number,telephone number.

Note: our former president Muhammadu Buhari collaborated with Abdulrasheed Bawa as the new EFCC chairman, Economic Financial Crime Commission, Mr.Abdulrasheed Bawa  to stop the junior ranks officers from transferring funds out of the country. He sent different Cublication to many countries in the world as propaganda to discourage all government Officials from transferring funds into an overseas account to avoid and save guides the countries economy.

Apparently, so that other government officials will not benefits from these( oil windfalls venture) where he has been a culprit alone with his aides. More details about this transaction will be given to you as soon as we receive your positive respond.

Note that the particular nature of your company's business is irrelevant to this transaction. if this transaction interests you, your urgent response will be appreciated.

In addition, there are some faceless beings in my country that are making use of top government official names to swindle money from innocent citizens around the globe and that includes my name. You can confirm by searching the name of our Central Bank of Nigeria Governor in person of Godwin Emefiele; you will see that his name is part of the scam list meanwhile we are innocent officials completely unaware of the situation happening of which after utilizing their names and profile, they will have uploaded on the internet in order to ruin their reputation making the citizens believe that the officials are corrupt.

Yours faithfully,

Dr.Ken Obiorah

Oh, brother. Where to begin? Well, with the fact that this story is all about Nigeria, which seems to be ground zero for internet scams. We see the usual hallmarks of a scammer. Overly formal writing. Spacing and punctuation and capitalization issues. This is not written by someone who has a command of the English language. 

They propose a scheme for the recipient of this email (otherwise known as The Mark) to collect a handlers fee for the money they (otherwise known as The Scammers) intend to deposit in an overseas account for later division amongst themselves. Only the money doesn't exist. Because they're lying through their teeth. They aren't Nigerian government officials.

They cast blame off on other people (again, who don't actually exist) in those government ministries trying to enrich themselves through corruption, all while effectively saying they're doing the exact same thing in wanting to move out a few million dollars that won't be missed anyway. If this were real, those few million dollars would be missed- especially in a country as on the financial edge as Nigeria. But it's not real. 

Because what this is really about is some scammers at the end of a long line of emails in some desolate corner of the world trying to gain access to bank accounts of gullible suckers on the far side of the world. That's it, that's all. The money in this case consists of how much they can drain out of the accounts before The Mark wises up and realizes they got conned.

Nice try, guys. Really. I get it, you can't make an honest living, you've probably got people who have you by the fine hairs and who will break your legs if you don't come through. To which, I would say one word: good. 

But I know better than to believe this crap.

What we need to do with you is to have you launched into space, and sent to make first contact with an alien species out there in the stars. Good luck.