Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, October 9, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

 The NHL regular season gets underway this week. It's been awhile since we've last had the point of view of that sadly deluded nitwit who's part of the Leafs Nation cult. All of them earnestly believe that this year will be their year. Even though it never will be....

2:28 PM. At work. ****in' boss. Doesn't give me the ****in' day off. Oh well. Another hour and a half and I'm outta here. 

****er doesn't know how important today is. Regular season home opener for the Maple Leafs, baby! This is our year! The Cup is comin' home! Wooo!

Bet that ****er is a Montreal fan.

3:59 PM. Out the ****in' door. Freedom, baby! I'm excited. Big game tonight, we're hostin' Montreal, and we're gonna murder 'em! The Bay Street Massacre, they'll call it! 

4:02 PM. Hailin' a cab, puttin' on my Leafs jersey. Lookin' forward to gettin' some drinkin' in before the big game!

Hey, I can hold my liquor! Anyone who tells you I got a problem with boozin' is lyin' to you, mother****er!

4:26 PM. Droppin' in at my favourite pub, and there's Harry and Jack waitin' for me. Hey, boys! Good to see you! Lou! Beer here!

Boys? Tonight's the big night. The first stage of the greatest season of our lives. The year the Stanley Cup comes home where it belongs.

Toronto, baby! Go Leafs go! Yeaaaaahhhh!!!!!

4:45 PM. Me and Harry and Jack are talkin' over beer and rings. Off season trades. The line up this year. The new GM. What the coach is up to. It's the perfect formula, guys. Nothin' is gonna stop our boys. Nothin'!

5:32 PM. One more beer for the road, boys, and then we gotta get over to the arena. Big game tonight, boys. Big game!

Go Leafs go!

5:51 PM. On our way out. Hey Lou! Save us our regular seats! Lot of celebratin' to do after the game!

6:20 PM. In the line to get in. Lots of people happy to be here. Ready for the best season ever. An undefeated Leafs squad, all wins, no losses, and sweepin' every series in the playoffs. That's what's gonna happen, baby! And if I'm wrong, may lightnin' strike.... um... Wayne Gretsky! Yeah, that's it. **** Gretsky! Who the **** was he, not signin' with the Leafs back in the day?

7:02 PM. In our seats waitin' on the game to start. Anthem time. O Canada, our Maple Leafs land! True Maple Leaf love, in all of us command!  

7:05 PM. Puck drop about to happen.... here we go, here we go...

Go Leafs go!!!!!!!

7:07 PM. Boys? You wanna tell me how Montreal's up on us 3-0? 

7:21 PM. Yellin' and hollerin'. Hey, ref! Are you blind? You're supposed to help the Leafs win! Get in there and take out the kneecaps of that Montreal goalie! Whaddya doin', lettin' those Habs get ahead seventeen to nothin'?

7:45 PM. Intermission. Me and Harry and Jack, we're flummoxed. How the **** can our boys be down twenty one goals to zilch?

8:18 PM. Gettin' worse now. Those lousy Montreal bums have gotten ahead of our boys thirty two to nothin'.

Come on, ref! They're cheatin'! They're cheatin', and you're standin' there lettin' it happen, you useless ****in' mother****er!!!!

9:31 PM. End of the game. Toronto lost. Forty eight to nothin'. Records smashed. Sittler's old record of ten points in a single game? Gone. That Gallagher ****er scored seven goals and five assists all on his own. Hell, even their ****in' goaltender scored a goal on us. The humiliation.... the rest of the League will never let us live this one down.

Boys? I can't take it. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm done.

9:50 PM. Me and Harry and Jack stop in at the bar. Everybody's lookin' downcast. Grown men cryin' .
This is as bad as it's ever been. This is worse than when they blew those playoff series. 

Lou! Beer here!

10:02 PM. Talkin' it over with the boys. Listen, we gotta... we gotta just break this ****in' rut we're in. We gotta stop rootin' for these guys, boys. Because all we're gettin' outta this is our hearts gettin' stomped on every ****in' year. Over and over and over again. 

We gotta stop bein' part of Leafs Nation.

12:45 AM. Had a few more rounds with the boys. My momentary lapse of faith has been put in the past. Tonight was a hiccup. That's all it was. Things happen. That's it.

Our boys will come back big next time out, and we'll be there to see it all.

Am I right, boys?

1:13 AM. Partin' ways with Jack and Harry to catch a cab home.

Hey, boys!

Go Leafs go!

1:48 AM. Stumblin' in my front door at home. Gonna have a monster hangover in the mornin'. Collapsin' on the couch. Wonder if I can call in sick tomorrow.

Who the **** knows? What I do know is that I'm a fan of the greatest sports team ever, and this is our year, baby!!!!!

Go Leafs go!!!

Geez, I hope I don't choke to death on my vomit while I'm sleepin'.


  1. Have the Leafs ever won a game?

    1. Oh they can win. But when it really counts, they lose.

  2. Criticizing the Leafs seems an appropriate way to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. Or as you probably call it, Thanksgiving.

  3. Some day they will win and the Hospitals will fill up with massive rush of heart-attacks.


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