Muppet Supervillain Holds Planet For Ransom; World Leaders Squabble
The search continues for muppet fugitive Fred Johnson, aka Fat Blue, since the recent threat by the convicted murderer to destroy the world if his arch rival Grover is not executed. RCMP officers continue to hunt for the criminal, who escaped after a US Marshal plane crashed across the border in southern Alberta.
Johnson, who had loveable muppet Elmo murdered and framed Grover for it, has eluded authorities in the weeks since the crash. Old friends and associates remain shocked by the turn of events that saw Grover exonerated. Reached at their home on Sesame Street, bickering couple Bert and Ernie spoke to reporters.
"Fred was C-list at best," Bert remarked. "They only brought him out when they wanted someone for Grover to annoy. He never had his own storyline, and I'm sure that had to get to him. Muppets do have egos, you know."
"That's right, Bert," Ernie agreed. "Now, how about you join me and Ducky in the tub?"
Cookie Monster was found spending time with Oscar the Grouch. When asked for their comment, Cookie Monster began chowing down on Oreos. "Om nom nom!!" he said, the mouthful of black and white cookie and cream obliterating the clarity of what he was trying to say.
"That's what I mean, Cookie!" Oscar gruffly declared. "That mother****er Fred went and killed off Elmo. Sure, you know that everyone here would have liked to get rid of the little red menace, so I can't blame him, but framing Grover for it? **** that, mother****er!" When this reporter asked Oscar if that was the polite thing to say, the grouch sneered, and replied, "**** you!!"
Asked for his comment, the enigmatic Beeker had this to say: "Mee... meep. Meep. Mee. Mee. Meep!! Meep!"
Grover himself remains in seclusion with his girlfriend, protected by federal officers in an undisclosed location.
Meanwhile, world leaders have been gathering at the United Nations in New York to discuss the crisis. The President of Iran took the podium and launched into a half hour long tirade. "I blame this on Israel!" he thundered in Farsi at the beginning of his rant. After listing dozens of grievances against the Israelis that had nothing to do with the threat, he concluded, "We must stand together as one planet under my benevolent and absolute rule and drive them out of Israel and back to where they rightfully belong. In the Upper West Side! Oh, and forget anything I said about absolute rule. I haven't implemented that part of my plan yet."
The American President spoke too. "You know, we must never negotiate with terrorists. That's what this muppet Fred Johnson is. You don't make threats about destroying the world if you're not. He wants us to execute an innocent man... er, that is, an innocent muppet. Or he says he'll destroy the world. I ask the leaders of the world, why should we even think he's capable of destroying the world?"
Talk show blowhard Rush Limbaugh was quick to criticize the President. "You know, this is just typical! Typical of this godless liberal who thinks he's the President. This is not a time for calm and reasonable discussion! This is a time for a call to action! For doing without thinking! Well, my friends, I have had it! It's time for us to rise up and take back our country! One country, under Rush, divided into God fearin' and gun totin' good Americans and traitorous Commie liberals."
Right wing dominatrix and self absorbed snit Ann Coulter had her own remarks on the issue at hand. She spoke to a gathering of reporters in New York. "If it comes down to the life of one left wing socialist Marxist muppet versus all of the people who buy my books, well, I know where my loyalties lie. Give me Grover's location. I'll kill the muppet myself. And his girlfriend. Then we have no more problem. See? Problem solved. In the meantime, check me out at my new website MistressCoulter,DominatrixoftheTeaParty.com. And don't forget to read my new book, Liberals Want To Eat Your Children."
What of the man in charge of the hunt for Johnson? Lars Ulrich, the legendary RCMP Inspector, is hard at work tracking down all leads in the Alberta foothills. Reporters gathered at a detachment to speak to him, finding him heading out with his men. "I haven't got time for this," he said as he tried to pass through.
An entertainment journalist stepped in front of him. "Lars! Lars! Kip Bannister, Entertainment Tonight! Are you in that uniform shooting a video? And where's the rest of the band?"
Ulrich glared at the man, and then at the other reporters. "Is there some sort of school for entertainment reporters that suck out their brains? Are they all this stupid?" His glare returned to Bannister. "Listen, dimwit. Are you listening? Good. I am not that Lars Ulrich!!! Now do the world a favour and jump in front of a train!!!"
Surprisingly, the Inspector passed by him rather then strike him. Bannister looked around, confused. In the experience of this reporter, it's a common problem for entertainment journalists. Then Bannister made his second mistake of the day by speaking again. "So does this mean you've had a falling out with the rest of Metallica?"
Ulrich stopped. He turned, walked back, and threw a punch, connecting with Bannister's jaw, knocking him to the ground. "Drop dead, jackass!" the Inspector said, delivering a swift kick to the ribs before walking off with his men.